I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

I personally think the world would be much better if only those who really wanted kids had them. If your life feels awesome as it is, then why upset the applecart.

I love my kids to bits and I've never been happier since having them but for a mum they 100% fuck up your sleep, looks, time to pursue your own interests, time to pursue your career, time with your partner and social life! I think it's really admirable to consider whether this is for you rather than blindly assuming it's your next step.

However I should probably also add that I wasn't that bothered about kids and really our first was mainly dh's idea. However having them was easily the best thing thats ever happened to me.

It's inevitable that the dynamics of a relationship change after a baby.
Do you think your husband would love a child more than you?

Similar but not quite the same, I felt like this about having a second child. How could I ever love another baby the way I loved the first, we decided to have a 2nd and I got more and more anxious as the months passed. Baby arrived, I held him and all worries disappeared. I had enough love for another baby. I went on to have baby 3 and baby 4 and magically I still had enough love for them all. GC started arriving, could I ever love another baby the way I loved the first one? I adored him and he was perfect but as number 2, 3 ,4 and so on arrived I still had enough love, it just grows and grows.

I don't know if can grow any more but as eldest GC is now an adult I might have to find some more for first GGC.

Don’t have a child.
Do you feel like something is missing? Are you overwhelmingly broody? Do you need to raise a child to feel complete?

Please do not have a child if you do not want one, this comes a very unwanted (and knew about it) child.

I am currently nearly 7 months pregnant with my 1st DC. I have spent 10 years with my husband, I could not imagine not creating a family with him.

All loves are different. The love I imagine we will have for our child is wildly different to the one we have for one another.

Don't play guessing games with a life.

I am exceedingly happy with my partner of over 4 years. We have one son, and are desperate and trying for another, we had a devastating chemical pregnancy over Xmas.
Your heart expands.
if you want children you get an overwhelming feeling like I had my whole life before I had DS.
it honestly sounds like you don’t really want children, and that’s okay! :-)

you shouldn't have children if you don't want them.

I would also suggest some sort of therapy because some of your thought processes re sharing love are not healthy and almost seem like a trauma response

You'll probably be completely besotted with your DC because they're part of you both but smaller and cuter and you'll be borderline unbearable with rapture about it.

Well done to yourself for being so honest!
I think it probably has something to do with being an only child. You’ve never had to share your mum.
my advice - don’t have a baby xx

I don’t think you should have a baby. Not everyone is suited to be a parent.

Please don’t have a child, my mother treat me as competition for my DFs affection from the moment I was born, it was like I was the other woman. It was cruel and abusive to an innocent child whose only sin was being born.

Don’t have a child.

I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me

This, and the comment about hating the idea of your mum loving your child, is really really toxic. Don’t bring a child into this. You like being the centre of everyone’s worlds - fine, you do you. But don’t bring a child into it to compete with.

In your case I wouldn't have one if you are happy as you are. It will change your relationship.

It's absolutely natural to question things, and you can be perfectly happy with or without children, so it's really about going with your gut about what is right for you.

My husband and I were just as you describe. We have two children now, with a large age gap between them. 30 is when I had my first, and in hindsight we could have chilled as a couple a while longer no problem, I didn't need to feel as rushed as I did. We do have less time just us (read none, but we are bad at arranging babysitting and don't have local family). We do have to prioritise the children above ourselves or each other regularly. I do have "extra" /different love for my husband specifically seeing him in his role as a father.

Having gone from 1-2 children with a lot of deliberation and trepidation, your heart just expands as mentioned above. If you do have a child, you'll make space. If you don't, there are lots of other ways to attract different kinds of love and experiences into life. Best of luck deliberating!

Perhaps some counselling to help
you explore your emotions would be helpful.

And you have time on your side OP. Draw up a bucket list of childfree goals and start ticking them off together now (just in case!)

I think you're not ready to have a baby. So don't. 31 is still young.
You have to be ready to put your child first, before everything. Yourself included. You blend into the background so to speak. But what usually happens is your love for your child is so great, you don't mind. I'm not sure you're ready for that.

The love for your child is very different to love of a partner! It’s like comparing it to a parent or sibling (or pet!) but you have to really want it (imo) as it’s absolutely life changing. Picture your life in 10 years time. How does it look?

My experience was similar when my husband and I had one child; we were so ecstatically happy! I worried that I could never love another baby as much.
We need not have worried because I adored my next children too. My heart burst for all of them the same.

Being an only child, you perhaps have not had the experience of loving your siblings, all of them. While, from day to day, one might be your favourite playmate, deep affection is felt for them all.

I equate the ability to love like smiling and laughing. One can smile but it doesn't take away the number of smiles you can show. One can laugh but it doesn't mean you will find it hard to see more funny things and chuckle in future.

There is no one else who will love your child as much as you and your husband. So to share a child together gives you both an extra shared dimension to a meaningful life. It is also fun to see your spouse be a parent and to go on childish adventures as a family.

If you would like a child it seems that you and your husband would have as good a chance as any, in forming a happy family.
At your age, you should seriously consider whether you would cope without having one. How would you feel to be forty-two and to have no children? It is your choice but you should trust your capacity to love.

I remember a child of an ex politician saying her mum and dad were so wrapped up in each other she felt like she was as important as their relationship and felt left out. I don't think you should have a child OP, but be prepared for it to be a deal breaker in your marriage. Also, to comment on what another person said, I don't think 31 is still young to have a child.

I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me.

This bit alarmed me. If my house was on fire I would fully expect my DH to get the kids out before me and vice versa. In fact I'd never forgive him if he got me out first. It's incredibly difficult to explain this feeling. My DM always put my dad first over us and it was not a great experience.

Can you explain this a bit more please@scoobysnaxx ? As the parent of an only child I’d like to understand how best to prevent this from happening.

I think perhaps you could do with a broader emotional base in life.

I think this sums it up perfectly.

Hi OP, I think it's lovely that you and your husband are so in love and have this strong foundation for your lives. My DH and I also did not want children when we met - it was one of the reasons we saw a long term future together because it's not that common to find someone happy to be child free. Around age 34 I started feeling a shift. I started to see what children could add to my life, not just take away. I got to see my friends become parents and got to know their children. I realised one day I wanted that too. If you'd asked me at your age I'd have said no way, haha! So what I'm saying is, you have a lot of time. Take it and don't put pressure on yourself. In a few years you may feel differently or you may not and that's fine. I had my first at 37 and will be just 39 with my second. I am tbc on a third, I love being a mum so much but going to see how we get on with 2.

What I will say though is that my love for DH is even stronger now he is the father of my children. He is a fantastic father and watching him throw DS up in the air with shrieks and giggles is the happiest feeling I could imagine. And DH loves me more too in a new way, as the mother of his children. We didn't ever have a "grenade" in our relationship because we worked as a team from the start. We'd already been through a lot together and learned that making the other's life easier was always the better approach to conflict and that has continued after having children.

Also, I talk obsessively about my child. I want to talk to my mum about him! And it just adds more love, it really does. He's brought my family together in a way we haven't been for years. But DH and I still discuss everything else we used to. We have plenty time together in the evening and at weekends just like pre children. It's just that our favourite topic is our son (and soon to be DC2).

Please reconsider this if you do have a pregnancy. private hospitals do not usually have emergency care - intensive care for you or baby, enough blood if you need a transfusion, etc.

I don't think you should have a child until you have had counselling.
There's a lot in your various posts that needs to be worked through.
The thing about not sharing love and not wanting your Mum to love the child and perhaps then not love you in the same way because she loves her grandchild really needs counselling. It does point to some deep-seated issues around love and perhaps you need to work out the causes for this and how you can move forward.

But the other thing that stood out, which is possibly more significant, is your past trauma relating to a medical experience which has left you feeling unable to use the NHS.
You are young at the moment but as you get older you may well have several medical issues to deal with. Are you able to afford to go private every single time to avoid using the NHS? Do you have good private medical insurance?
You should also have counselling for this trauma, even if you already have, because it's a major issue. It obviously is significant as you mention it in connection with having a baby and higher costs being involved.