I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

If you don’t want children for any reason it’s valid and fine.
I would say though, that having children has not negatively impacted my marriage at all. I know that it can test relationships but for us it has only ever made our love stronger.

It doesn’t decrease. Think of your love for your husband as a cake. When a child comes along you get another cake, you don’t cut the first one. I was worried about having my second child and how the love would be between the children and my husband. Nope, still no cutting, baby 2 brought another cake.

Rule number 1 - never have a baby unless you really really want one.

Based on this..

"I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother"

..I don't think you should.

IMO, you should both love the child more than each other. It's a different kind of love. But stronger. You should both absolutely put the child first always.

Yes you could have a baby and fall in love with it and love it even more than your husband and love him more seeing him being a dad.

But motherhood can be so so tough. You will have to 'share' him. How will you deal with this?

Will you become bitter, jealous and resentful?

Because based on what you've said this is quite a possibility.

Motherhood can be so hard. Many women go through feelings of resentment even towards their children at times. Because they dictate everything. You are their whole world and you are needed constantly. They change your body, your mind, your mental health and your relationship.

It's relentless.

Don't have a baby unless you both really want one. It could be disastrous for everyone. For you and your partners mental health, your relationship and certainly a poorly child growing up with parents who quite clearly resent them.

oh dear, you sound terribly insecure ( despite your wonderful relationship ) if you are worried your husband may love your baby more than he loves you

what if in years to come your husband really does want to have a family, and you don't. That will be the end of the relationship / marriage as he will not want to be with you / will find someone else to have a family with

but you cannot bring a baby into this world just because your husband wants a family.

It's very good that you are honest to yourself. Based on what you shared, I think you should at the very least wait with having a baby.

Most parents love their kids more than their spouse or partner, it's biological and very normal. In a secure relationship that's completely ok, as you are both happy for each other to experience that particular love you feel towards your children. You and your partner will be the most important people for your child for many years, probably until they have a partner and children of their own.

If there is any risk of you being jealous of your own child and your husband's love for them, that would be a very unhealthy dynamic, I really wouldn't recommend it.

Children completely throw a bomb into the habits and dynamics of couples, you really, really have to want this to put up with it.

How about getting a dog and seeing what that's like in terms of sharing love and care for it?

I think a lot of your thinking is about the philosophical questions of sharing love and so on.

You need to think of the practicalities - careers, childcare, finances, sick children, weekend, hobbies, housework, homework, activities, holidays…..these are the issues that kill relationships if not handled correctly, not vague concepts of who loves who the most.

Do you have any reasons why you WANT to have a baby? Because there is no should, I can't think of anything more wonderful than a child free by choice couple remaining child free.

One thing that did jump out on me from your OP is your worry that your husband would love your child more. To me, I would feel very differently to my partner if he didn't! Obviously it's a very different love, and doesn't take away from the love we share.

I love my partner immensely, we're bloody good together, our sex life in incredible, we treat eachother with such respect and kindness. But honestly, watching him be a father to my son is the most beautiful thing. Seeing that side of him grow makes me loves him so much more. He's not the biological father to my first. I'm currently pregnant with his baby. I can't wait to see him support me during labour, I know how calm and reassuring he'll be, how well he's going to look after me and I love him for it already.

But we are family people, that's who we are, that's the life that we want, the relationship that we have isn't as two single people, we are meant to be the embarrassingly loving parents of a family.

I can't tell you if you will be happy as a family instead of a couple. But personally, I absolutely love my partner more becuase of who he is as a father.

I haven't rtft but your post resonated with me. I had similar but less extreme feelings before having our baby (now 11m).
I don't know if another couple who got on line me and my OH. I wasn't worried I wouldn't love the baby, but I was nervous about the lack of time we'd have together. We have two dogs and whilst pregnant I used to get a bit teary thinking that we'd never again be able to walk them together on a summers evenings because someone would have to be home with the baby.

But honestly like pps have said, love is infinite and having our daughter has made our relationship even better and stronger. I can honestly say my favourite part of having a child together is seeing him be a father.

No part of me had a burning desire to have children, but I knew we wanted a family. I think when you're perfectly content with you current life there is no right time

I wasn’t initially going to post this but I think it’s relevant as you’re all being so insightful about me: it’s not just my husband that I’m worried about not putting me first/loving me less.

I also hate the idea that my mum would love my child. Isn’t that so strange? My mother in law is so obsessed with her grandson and it’s made me hate the idea of my mum and my child having that kind of relationship. I wouldn’t want my mum to only care about me as the mother of her grandchild. I hate that she would get on the phone and want to just hear about her grandchild or only would want to visit me to see her grandchild. I want to still be the most important person to her.

Is this an anxious attachment style? What causes this apart from spoilt brat syndrome?

It sounds like you don't want a child so don't have one just to make your DH happy. I also love my daughter more than my DP (baby's dad). I would die for her but I wouldn't die for my DP even though I love him. If you think you'll be jealous of your DH loves his child more than you and he wants to spend more time with his child then you, then I don't think it's fair to bring an innocent child into this dynamic.

OMG, OP, please don't have a baby if you hate the idea of your mum loving your child. Stay as you are. I don't know anything about attachment style, but this is not good. My mum lives in another country and still adores my DC.

Oh. I can't relate to your update I'm afraid.

My love for my husband hasn't decreased. You don't have a set amount of love to share around!

The love I have for my children is completely different. I love them more than anything, I would die for them, and I think that's pretty normal. I would be shocked and not pleased if DH said that he loves me more than he loves the children.

I’ve done a lot of thinking and talking about these issues and I have no concerns with them. I feel that we could handle well and are prepared for and would be in a good position. It’s the theoretical concepts that I can’t seem to work through.

@trousersearch thank you for your message. I’m so happy it’s worked out for you like that.

OP, with kindness, you absolutely aren’t ready to have a child at the moment.
Your perception of love as some sort of measuring beaker, and the thoughts you’ve expressed above, spell that out. I genuinely think you’d benefit by exploring your thoughts with a professional, especially if you start erring towards desiring to have a child.

Thank you to all the people reminding me it’s fine to be child free. I desperately want to be 100% confident in that, but there’s just this nagging feeling in my head of “what if you regret it”.

It's not really spoken about but there are women who regret having kids entirely - or more usually regret having them at time the did or who they did. It's why you need to be sure.

I don't think it's a wide spread phenomenon - and mother nature re-wires pg brains to avoid it as much as possible - but I know of two women who admit that - one family member who later loved being a grandmother other an early years/nanny career thought she knew what she was getting into and felt pressure from DH and rest of family - both case child was oblivious and well care for and happy.

Having kids is a total gamble - it best to be sure as possible before rolling the dice. Though as you say I do know many good parents who are very happy who had surprised pg.

If you are uncomfortable about your baby or child coming first it's best not to have children.

Babies and older children thrive with that love and only with such love.

Having an envious and jealous mother would set them up for a life of pain and disappointment.

Out of interest, is your partner much older than you?

@ForLiam 6 months older, if that counts as much 😂

This. The world is not short of babies.

I think you are quite sensible to ask if this is what you really want. Because you are right, it’s hard to maintain a happy marriage when you have a baby.

One reason is the unequal impact it has on the man and woman. Many men think they will go on with their lives as usual, plus this will have a cute baby for a few mins a week ( when it suits them ) and everyone will look up to them as a father.

For women their whole lives are blown apart.

Many adults have loved their lives pre baby doing what they want, when they want it . Like you and your husband, they can put themselves first, priorities having fun together.

With a baby, all that changes. Babies need 24/7. Some are very high demand, but they all need care RIGHT NOW. If they are hungry / cold / hot / bored / tired / not tired/ lonely / have a dirty nappy / whatever , they have a very good system for getting their needs met.

yes a small number of easy going babies will fit into their parents life. But most of them don’t. So it’s very hard when one parent has to put the baby first all the time and the other parent is busy sulking saying “ but what about me / us / sex / my dinner ? “.

Your marriage is a lot more likely to work if both parents share the work and self sacrifice and both are able to put the needs of the child and their partner above their own.

So in your situation I’d ask your husband how his life would change with a baby - how will he alter his working hours ( or his job ), what about his hobbies and his social life, what about your extended families.How will caring for a newborn baby fit into his life.

None of this “ oh it will be fine, it will all work out “. What that means is “ I won’t change, I will refuse to see or meet any needs so you will have to do it all”.

That conversation will let you see how ready he is for a baby and give you a tiny glimpse of how it will affect your marriage.

I also hate the idea that my mum would love my child. Isn’t that so strange? My mother in law is so obsessed with her grandson and it’s made me hate the idea of my mum and my child having that kind of relationship. I wouldn’t want my mum to only care about me as the mother of her grandchild. I hate that she would get on the phone and want to just hear about her grandchild or only would want to visit me to see her grandchild. I want to still be the most important person to her.

That seems very odd - our parents did get focused on grandkids in early years - possibly as they know they go so fast - but we know they didn't love us any less.

Maybe therapy - I really don't get this mindset but I have siblings and my parents had each other.

Quick question- you say you’re an only child so struggle with the idea of sharing love.

But you love both your parents, right?

(or loved, if one or both has sadly passed away).

I sort of understand where you are coming from, but I think you are over-thinking it a bit. Maybe reading a bit too much online.
Sounds like your husband would like to have a child, and he has some very sensible and well-expressed views about the potential impact. Great that you are able to talk about it so much.

My advice would be that you won’t regret one child, but you might not be cut out to have more than one. I am parent to an only child myself and in a very happy marriage where we discussed at huge length whether or not a baby was right for us. One child fits into your life quite easily and we don’t find that we have lost too much time for “us”. So far anyway- he’s 7 now. But you do have to accept that you won’t be able to do things like on-impulse nights out and mini breaks or just spontaneous meeting for a drink after work, and weekends do have to be much more child-centred, so if those things are the bedrock of your relationship, don’t become parents. That said it’s hard to predict if those things would remain important- is a cliché of course, but it can be a revelation how you happily change interest and priorities when you bring a child into your life. Good luck.

Seems to me that you are not ready for the huge emotional upheaval that a child would bring. Don't feel pressured into having one - stay happy as you are.

But there isn't always the time to spend together like before once children come along, is there? Additional stresses can arise and have an impact on your relationship, tiredness, conflicting parenting styles, sometimes resentment creeps in.

For some people, having children together completes their relationship, but there's no guarantee either way.