I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

Only bring a child into the world you actually want. Beyond a doubt.

Oh and grow up.

@MyLadyTheKingsMother

why does op need to grow up?
Do you think when she grows up she will want children? Are all those people who are child free by choice needing to grow up do you think?

I see. Thank you for the insights, think I have a lot to think about and a lot of planning to do before the baby comes.

Yikes @LuckySantangelo35

Why is there all this massive defensiveness from CF all the time…

I didn’t read that comment like that - was thinking that she meant OP needs to develop some maturity and realise that just because there is another person to love doesn’t mean love for DH will diminish.

Afterall, she is able to love her mother, friends etc. currently without same happening.

Her and DH have gone through challenges and experiences together before and it has brought them closer together. Parenthood is one of the bigger challenges and makes a relationship grow, develop and become more solid (or you find out the hard truth about your relationship not working - doesn’t sound like that will happen for OP).

Genuinely, all they need to ask themselves is do they want the challenge, if so are they enjoying life so much right now that they want to wait a bit…. That’s it.

That's what I suspected really, she told me years ago that she couldn't cope with changing my nappies so my grandma did it (my dad's mum, she had 7 children so was totally desensitised). She did say that she can do cooking and cleaning though which would still be helpful since her cooking agrees with me, wouldn't be able to get it right if we were to hire someone, plus we feel uncomfortable telling strangers what to do. I wasn't kin on the idea at first but really wanted the baby to bond with my mum. We are having the first couple of weeks just dh and I and the baby though, to enjoy some us time.

@Usernamel

If she can cook and clean that is the main thing you need. If you have recovery after birth and/or are breast feeding you won’t have much time for anything domestic.

Thank you, I understand it better now and will make sure not to make other people feel bad about their situations. I personally think not having parental help can make you grow stronger and faster, which could be a good thing. We all have to deal with things alone in life at some point.

Thank you, I won't refuse her offer and will just be low key about it.

Thank you. I never thought about this side of being a parent. Now come to think of it, from the posts I read recently many people did have different opinions on things. I'll get ready to brave this.

No.

She is clearly very emotionally immature. Very codependent on her DH.

Nothing to do with wanting kids.

Babies are the best. Send yours my way. You know they are not fully adult until about 25yo? WHat a weird reason to have a child! You should have your own friends by now.

Babies - smoochilicious; toddlers - adorable but slightly annoying at times; young primary - the bees knees ( can talk and walk but still think you are the best and smartest person in the whole wide world) ; early high school - things may go a bit downhill but generally ok; late high school - hide under the bed ( oh and never drink on a weekend as you will be called at all hours to pick up one of your kids or their friend who is currently vomiting behind a soccer club; uni/college - easy but think they know EVERYTHING ( also "borrow" a lot of money) ; working- gorgeous souls they have always been without the kiddy drama, which was really quite fun most of the time and so sad when it's gone.

After that; so many fun nights chatting and playing games and drinkinig and eating. Alsoas a bonus get to go on holidays and have them mind your house and pets! So much love in every age group. Still love babies the best ( and I've had 4) Waitiing for a GC. Not saying a word to my DC but hoping for super snuggles soon.

😂 Babies are the worst. I wish you could just skip to 2 or 3. Don't get me wrong, I loved my DD when she was a baby but bloody hell they're hard work.

I’m glad to be beyond babies/toddlers, young primary my fave, though all the school work is a pain and school demands… from then on out.

I find it crazy how some people here like to judge other people’s reasons to have children. What do you gain by convincing yourself that you have the best reasons to have children? This is a weird way to feel better about yourself. I feel a bit sad for you. I hope you all the best.

If someone in my NCT group had moved their mother in for 6 months post birth I would not have felt envy. I’d have felt the opposite!

I move my mum but holy moly I would not want her living with us!

I’d have been envious that they could bear to live with their mum for 6 months without losing their minds!

I don't have anything to add that others haven't said, but having read your responses, you seem like such a lovely, gentle, reasonable woman who I imagine is very likeable, well spoken and polite IRL. If you do decide to have children, I'd bet you would be a lovely mummy.

I'm very sorry to hear that @SpringtimeBunny Sending you a big hug 🫂 I am very sorry.

I'm childfree and I don't want to grow up, it's a trap!

Well yeah!

can’t see many advantages tbh!

Literally nobody said childfree people need to grow up. Some posters really need to read the OP's posts, where she is apparently jealous of a baby that hasn;t been born yet. She either needs to change that, or stay child free. The second is fine. Even recommended.

Glad you've found a thread that you can relate to and will help your thoughts on this, but you need to calm the fuck down. You have no idea if you're happier, healthier or more in love than Jimbob who lives down the street.

You've also got plenty of time left on your clock, so spend a lot of time thinking about your kid conundrum.

How on earth do you know how ‘in love’ anyone else is? How do you measure it?

It's fine not to want kids but I'd be wary of telling yourself it's because you're so much more in love than anyone else in the world because that's patently bollocks and therefore not the real reason, and you should know your true rationale for making major life decisions. It's OK to just not want them.