I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

I know that my mum still loves me very, very much but to be honest, my two little ones are the focus of my whole family and I wouldn't have it any other way. They are only little once and they are the light of our life right now.

I thought about this too! It was one of my (many reasons) not to have children.
We had (still have) such a lovely relationship and why would I want to risk jeopardising it.
Life had other ideas and we had a complete surprise of a pregnancy.
The baby is lovely and our relationship is as good as it ever was (so far of course as baby is under 1 year old), but we don't have the time to dedicate to us that we did before.
We've spoken about this, acknowledged it's a stage and we know that it will pass as baby gets older, so we're happily enjoying our gorgeous baby until then.
I can't guarantee it would work out the same for you of course, but I certainly don't love my partner less now I have someone else to love, in fact if anything I love him before because I see everything he does to keep us both happy

I agree with pp that you would benefit from some therapy to explore your feelings around love and being loved. It doesn't sound healthy.

I love my dh but if he walked out tomorrow I'd survive and I'd move on.

Everyone's relationships are different. My marriage isn't perfect, but that's ok. The foundations are good and we have the same goals in life. I wonder whether you've ever had a proper disagreement with your dh and how you both navigated this? It's healthy to have disagreements but how you manage this is a big indicator of how strong your relationship is. Perhaps you're worried about how your marriage would manage the upheaval?

You do grow more love when you have a child. It's a different type of love, but stronger. I would absolutely push my dh in front of a bus/ bullet to save my child and I know (and would expect) my dh to do the same.

Having a dc has made our relationship stronger. Dc is 13, but we've always made time for each other. We have always had date nights/ weekend away. We have supportive family around this. Your parents won't love your dc more than you, again they will grow more love and a grandparents relationship is different and can be very special.

Ultimately you have time to think more about this.

OP, you have plenty of time for children as you are only 30 and you seem to have a very good foundation in your relationship with your partner.
However, you seem to have some issues stemming from your childhood and your relationship with your parents, etc. (to be honest, we all do as that is what moulds us into what we are today). But that is also something you can and you should explore with a therapist. Therapy can be very helpful in getting to the bottom of all sorts of feelings. Once you discover what is really bothering you, it will be much easier to make your decision.

You talk about being worried your husband would love your baby more than you. Don't have a child. You sound like you wouldn't cope not being centre of attention...

I am on my way home from visiting my son and his wife, in another country- their child is one month old.

They lived with me for 6 months, before they moved, and have always been very in tune with one another. I watched them watching each other with the baby… the love in their eyes at the tenderness they both displayed was absolutely gorgeous.

Your heart will expand. But… babies/children/teenagers/adult children WILL change your dynamic. Most people love the shift, and still get adult time courtesy of grandparents/friends. But some people don’t.

DH an only child - and never doubted his parents love him even when our kids took center stage.

Do you have a bad relationship with her brought up with a worry you have to compete for her attention despite being an only child? - it seems such an odd and alien way to think.

I think I understand where you're coming from. Like, I agree with all the posters who say love isn't finite, it's a different kind of love - they're right. Caring about one thing has never decreased how much I care about something else. And I don't think thought experiments like "who would you save first" are helpful because contemplating a horrifying situation in the abstract is very different from reacting to it in the split-second moment, fuelled by adrenaline and panic and what have you.

However I do think something would be depleted - the practical ability to show love. You see posts all the time on here about being touched out after looking after babies, about craving solitude instead of time with your partner. I already need solitude to recharge and am not especially tactile. This would only be exacerbated if I had a child. And it would be at the expense of my relationship. Whether I still loved DP or not would be immaterial if, practically speaking, I no longer had any bandwidth to be near him.

☝️

Hey OP, having read this update I think you would get a lot more help from a therapist than here on Mumsnet. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with you at all, or that you're not really healthy mentally, but it would be super interesting and helpful for you I think to explore with a therapist where these feelings are coming from, and what they are really about. Once you have a proper deep understanding of that you will be so much better placed to decide whether or not you want a child, and you will also be so much better placed to be a great parent if you do decide to go ahead.

No-one should have a baby unless they're at least 100% into it. I get you completely.

I wonder @willyoutakethisrose what love looks like to you? What does it feel like? How do you know someone loves you? There's a kind of sense that you maybe need a person's full gaze, their questions, their direct attention, their touch, their verbal appreciation etc to feel loved? That is what you might struggle with - my mum, my husband, many loved others dedicate a much higher % of those things now to my daughter. They still love me utterly but these concrete things go much more to her.

Sounds like you don't want kids and he does

So either one of your compromises in this perfect relationship

Or you split up

You are young. You have age on your side so you may feel differently in 5/10yrs time

It may be too late then

One of my friends never ever ever ever wanted kids. Got to 40 + and tick tick

Luckily she fell preg easily for her age

Or you have me

Wasn't sure if wanted kids at 20. Maybe one day. Got to 34 and wanted them but had infertility issues

Took 10yrs ttc and 5 private ivf so many thousands to have my one and only ever bfp

Mini blondes is almost 7. I'm almost 51

She is my world

You have enough love for a husband and a child

If two children etx

Love and heart expands if that is your true concern

And the love you have for your child is different from husband love

I would kill to save her and die to protect her 💕

Based on this and as a psychotherapist I would strongly advise getting therapy. This is sometimes what happens to single children.

Does part of you long to be a parent? If not, then that’s ok and maybe best to leave it.

I agree with those who have said therapy would be good. But you know what even with or without kids your relationship with your H will probably change over time. Also whilst you should never have a child to appease your partner, if he really wants a child and you don’t then this may be what splits you up.

Your heart expands as many others have said, and for me personally having children has helped me develop and grow, and with that my relationship has, too. I'm an only child and although I don't struggle with the concept of sharing, I'm incredibly pleased I've had children as for me personally it brought me out of quite a self centred way of being (I'm not for one minute saying you're like I was, btw!).

However, it really sounds like you aren't longing for a child and for that I'd say absolutely avoid. It's the biggest commitment you'll ever take and although it being the best thing in the whole world for many of us, if you're not feeling it - don't do it! You sound really happy, and that's heartwarming to hear. You do you 🙂

I can't even begin to explain how much a baby/children changes the dynamics of a relationship. Based on what you've written in your OP, please don't have any children.

Maybe you're not ready. Don't have one.

It sounds like you don't want a baby, and that's absolutely fine. Having a baby is hard, and I'm inclined to think unless you want one so much you are willing to sacrifice everything else to parenthood, then it's best to avoid.

The reality is that most parents love their dc more than their partner, so if you can't cope with that, then definitely avoid! I think it's great to be honest about your feelings before having a dc.

As a parent, I can honestly say you do not need to have a baby and it's not the making of an incredible life.

Right, young friend.
Not meaning to sound patronising.
Another very happy couple here, well used to our dynamics for 20+years.
Remaining child free was and is the best decision I could ever make, for myself, by myself. Also an only child, although not the best parents.
😊

All the PP saying it's a different kind of love, love expands etc. are right of course, but if you may see a helpless wee human that you've created as competing for or diluting the love you currently have, or potentially 'ruining' what you currently have, or that you couldn't possibly love someone as much as you love your husband, then perhaps you shouldn't have children.

I’m not a therapist but I feel like a lot of this might be rooted on your own perception of what mums are. There is a tone to your posts that I can’t put my finger on but almost like you think that you might not matter any more (or as much) to the people in your life once you become a mum. As a mum your life will change and so will your relationships with others but you don’t cease to matter when you become ‘mum of …’

Anyway, I think you really ought to unpick this before embarking on motherhood. I do think it’s important to say that women are still valuable and worthy as human beings once they become mums. We aren’t just one big homogenous group of tired women who dream about pushing our husbands in front of buses. Many of us are still living our love stories with our husbands who we love even more because of the fathers that they are. Some of us have created stronger loving relationships from the ashes of others. Some have learnt to love ourselves. We change, we evolve and we trust in the bonds that we make. Sometimes they last and sometimes they don’t but that is life. Like I said I’m not a therapist but that’s my two pence worth.

It doesn't sound like you actually want to have a child but think it's something you 'should' do. If you have no desire to have a baby, don't have one! Becoming a parent changes your life immeasurably because their needs will always come first.