I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

If you don't want a child - don't have one.
You can't give them back and it really sounds like you don't want to have children. Which is fine! The species is abundant and we could do with fewer people reproducing tbh.

If you need to be convinced that it's the right choice for you then it isn't the right choice for you.

What a lovely reason not to have a baby! You guys struck gold. You know what OP? There’s plenty of time to give this thought. It may happen down the road and it may not. Try not to let having a baby become a thing and just cherish the great love you both have. It’s an enormous blessing. I have 3 kids. I never had a good loving relationship or marriage. At 51, this hurts very much. So for me, my children are my greatest love and blessing. But how I’d have loved to have known a love like the one you’re experiencing. That’s a lottery win.

Based on your update, as neither of you is particularly keen, don't have them.

I think this hits the nail on the head.

OP, you don't have to have "good" reasons or any reasons at all for not wanting a baby. "I'm happy as I am" is actually the best reason for not wanting a baby. (Years ago I was putting out feelers for other child-free women I knew, and one of my friends' answers has always stuck with me in its obvious simplicity: "I don't want children because I like my life.")

But if your husband is trying to persuade you to have a baby, that indicates he wants one. And this incompatibility isn't really resolvable because there's no compromise.

Don't have a child unless you really, really want one.

I would say you're probably in a better position than many, because having a child will test your relationship to its limits. If there is a strong base of love there, you're more likely to get through it and out the other side. Love expands, I love my son more than my DP but that doesn't mean I don't love my DP anymore... but I literally made our son. He's part of me. That's a completely different love to what you have for an adult partner.

Babies and children are really hard work and a life long commitment. They will put a huge strain on any relationship. If you don't want one don't have one! But I do agree with pp you need to broaden your emotional life, friends, hobbies wider family, it doesn't need to be a baby. We're fortunate to live in a time where it's a choice.

"I don't want children because I like my life."

Yes, I think this is a great way of putting it! When I had an only child lots of people asked when we were having more etc etc and someone on the only child board on here said I should say "why have more when I've already got the perfect child?". Honestly, I found that way too smug to ever say even to myself, but it's the same principle I think.

The other thing I think of is when people ask "how do you know if your family is complete"? I've heard someone respond saying that your family is already complete, whether you have 1dc, multiple dcs, just you or just you and your dh. You're a complete family already. There should be no pressure to have babies you don't want.

What do you mean by you “wouldn’t be able to have a child through the NHS”?

If you're questioning whether it's right for you, it probably isn't.

Babies become your entire world. Me and my husband were the same and I love him even more now we have a child. It's drawn us even closer together, we work as a team to look after our little family. We lie in bed laughing at all the funny things she said that day or marvel at the features we see from both of us in her. It's not all sweetness and light but very few things are.

It is concerning that you think you might be jealous of your child. Well done for being honest with yourself, that's a complex thing to realise about yourself.

We did have lots of conversations about this prior to our marriage by the way, and had settled as much as you can do on a decision. It’s me that’s reopened the conversation, as I always knew would happen as I got older and people around me started to have children.

Thank you to all the people reminding me it’s fine to be child free. I desperately want to be 100% confident in that, but there’s just this nagging feeling in my head of “what if you regret it”.

If I was single I know I wouldn’t be thinking about this at all, but I do wonder sometimes if all the issues I outlined about sharing our love would also mean we could have such a great family if we had kids. I know what it was like to grow up in a very close, very loving family unit and it was brilliant. Would that be worth the difficulties?

Gosh it’s just so complicated isn’t it. I kind of can’t wait to be on the other side of my fertility so I don’t have this question hanging over me, I just want the decision to be made but I know it won’t feel like that until the fat lady’s sung, so to speak.

I have definitely put my DC before my husband when they were younger, and vice-versa. They are now grown and we have plenty of adult time.

If you want your partner or husband to always put you first throughout your marriage, best not to have DC.

I have medical trauma from previous experiences and so I know that if I were to peruse having a baby I would have as much of my care as possible in a private hospital. I reduce my interactions with the NHS as much as I possibly can.

Op, you should look at the MNers without children board. Lots of good advice there for women who don't want to be mums.

If you don't really want a child then don't have one.

For the record, DH and I have an excellent relationship. But I would push him in front of a bus to save my children, and I would expect him to do the same. If you can't live with the idea of the child being the priority then you shouldn't have one.

I also find it interesting that some people say you shouldn’t have a child unless it’s not even a question, because some of the best parents I know are ones who really thought about it beforehand.

I agree with you completely here. I think it comes down to whether you think with your head or your heart. I would never make such a big life decision without properly questioning and considering it. Some people are much more instinctive with their decision making. Both are fine.

You've got a bit of time to think about it. Jo rush. You're only 30.

Having a baby definitely changes your relationship. If you work hard and you're lucky it may change it for the better or at least not worse. That's not the case for a lot of couples, but you seem to have a good foundation.

You will love that baby more than anything you've ever known.

But if you don't want kids don't do it. They totally change your life and it's valid not to do it!

So would I. I have been married over 25 years, and believe me OP, sometimes you may want to push him in front of a bus even without DC.😂

This. Simply this.

@DuploTrain I can’t even make a decision about what to have for lunch without a pros and cons list, if only I could be one of life’s instinctive decision makers!

OK. Without intending to derail your thread, but it’s a bit bonkers to generalise the NHS like that.

Back on topic: you’re only 30, OP. You’ve quite likely got 15 years of fertile years ahead of you. So don’t just sit there willing them away so you no longer have the “choice”. And equally, don’t rush in to having a baby.

This is a big consideration, as most health insurance in the UK does not cover childbirth. We have medical insurance but couldn't use it for having our babies. So it would probably need to be out of pocket (but look into it).

I know someone who had a phobia of hospitals and childbirth in particular. She ended up having a home birth which was a good option for her.

This is all only IF you want to have a baby and the more I read, the more I think you don't but just as you say needed the reassurance that it is OK not to want children, which is absolutely is! I know a few childfree couples and they have no regrets at all.

Agree with pp who recommended the child free board on here too. I don't go on there as I have children, but it pops up in active sometimes and seems supportive.

Also thank you so much to the people telling me I still have some time. I didn’t realise how intense turning 30 would be. Everyone around me seems to be announcing pregnancies, I get so much targeted advertising about getting pregnant, random people in my life questioning me… it’s a lot. I feel a bit overwhelmed with it all.

Do you want a baby op?

Honestly having a baby will test any relationship but if you're as strong as you say you are then you will be fine. Make time for each other, even if that's just snuggling up with a film at night when baby's gone to bed. Keep communication open and keep working as a team, it's the toughest thing we have ever done as a couple in the whole 20 years of being together and we're still in the thick of it with a 4yo and 11mo but it's soooo worth it. It's a completely different kind of love when it comes to your children, it's like a mutual love that you both share and one doesn't take love away from the other it just grows. I don't think it's a case of anyone putting the children before each other but your priorities in life change and that will be the case for both of you. I can honestly say watching DH become a parent twice over has only made me love him more and he has said the same thing for me.

@Donthideyourlight Thank you for this! It is something I’ve looked into quite extensively so I have an idea of the costs involved, but I appreciate the heads up!

I just can’t imagine the love increasing in the way everyone is saying - that love has to come from somewhere, surely? I think there’s something wrong with me, because I just can’t conceptualise that more love just comes from nowhere. And also everyone saying that they would push their husband in front of a car for their children just makes me think that it must be that their love transfers from their husband to their children, because how much I love my husband now I can’t imagine ever feeling like that. So that love must have decreased?