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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mother's Day from hell

384 replies

momentsofmadnesstoday · 10/03/2024 19:35

Our second child almost two weeks old. Today my husband went to his football and should have been gone for 1.5 hours including travel time but was gone for 3. I said nothing about it.

He hates my parents for no good reason other than my dad is a typical dad of his era and just like me talking and watching sport an doesn’t make much effort with grandchildren until they are about 5 and can play golf, chess etc. my mother is very involved will play games and imaginative play with her grandchildren but she is a worrier so she does make comments like ‘ oh no X banged their head, will they be ok, should we call the doctor’ which annoys my husband because he wants our children to be very rough and tumble but she does mean well. I said if he’s going to football I’ll ask my mum to come around he wasn’t happy but he said fine. I made sure they only stayed 1 hour to make sure she and my dad were gone before he came home. I washed the dishes, put away the washing put another wash on, wiped the kitchen sides down, tidied the toy room and took care of the two children.

Once he finally came home first thing he said was ‘ did your dad come’ I said yes because I won’t lie and he said ‘oh that fucking twat I’d love to smash him and your bother in The fucking face’. I burst into tears I simply said can you just not hold your tongue for one day as he says this to me pretty much every day. I went upstairs and he followed me and apologised and hugged me and when he hugged me I felt so angry but of course I just said ‘ it’s fine’ and he has gaslit me and said ‘ it’s ok it’s your hormones’ again this made my blood boil but I said nothing.

We watched the rugby which I can’t stand and he refused to talk to me and I kept trying to talk because I’m weak and just want to move on and try and salvage the day.

then my mum text and said would I like an electric clothes dryer and I said yes please he then kicked off about that saying wtf is wrong with mum mum why is she wasting money on shit like that and I explained it’s to make my life a little bit easier and he just kept on about how my mum is a Fucking idiot and just wants to add clutter to our home. Bear in mind our home is spotless as we have a toy room for the kids. He then called me a cunt and several other names and kept saying how he would love to beat up my brother and dad. wtf . Then I said my brother and dad don’t even give you a second thought why do you hate my brother and dad so much. That was then turned back on me by him as me apprently saying ‘my family are better than his’ …again another wtf moment as I never said that!

Anyway he then turns the football on after the rugby but continued to just be in his phone and I lost it… well lost it may my standards as I never kick off and said ‘it is Mother’s Day you have done all you wanted all day again and your not even watching the game your on your phone and I’m going to watch what I want’ I took the control and put the tv show friends on because it was lighthearted and to try and cheer myself up. Which he responded with ‘what fucking retard likes this show’.

This was further met with an onslaught of abuse… how ugly and lazy I am etc I went up to the bedroom and left him with the two children and within 5 minutes he brought he baby up saying he needs his nappy changed. Why he can’t do it I’m not sure! he has only changed the baby once and telling me my hormones are fucked and it’s just a normal day and to get a grip. He’s like this on Mother’s Day with our toddler he called me a cunt at half 8 in the morning ‘ for a laugh’ which made me cry as it was my first ever Mother’s Day. He does this sort of behaviour at my birthday and Christmas or any family gathering with my side of the family but Father’s Day and his birthday or events with his family are the absolute opposite

P.s he didn’t manage to get me a present and I had to call his mum to wish her a happy Mother’s Day and she thanked ‘US’ For the flowers which I obviously sent and paid for

I’m still held up in the bedroom and he’s now just come up and asked me what am I making for tea because him and our toddler are hungry. I told him he knows what a kitchen is and to use it. Now I can hear him in the kitchen saying things to our toddler like ‘ mummy is too tired to cook anything isn’t she’ and ‘ it’s boys night tonight by the looks of it’ he’s slamming doors and cupboards attempting to make something which is probably beans on toast. Will be interesting if he thinks to make me something

Just needed a rant or be honest

OP posts:
pavedwithgoodintentions · 11/03/2024 20:56

So happy to read your update, OP.

Stay strong. You will likely have a wobble when he tries to pretend he's changed and tell you that he's 'given you time' (out of the goodness of his heart, no doubt), to realise you need him. You don't. AT all. Your life will be SO much better without him in it. And your children's lives will be better without his full time influence as well.

Your parents are awesome for being there for you so quickly. Lean on them; it's why they're there.

HalebiHabibti · 11/03/2024 21:00

I am proud of you OP. Well done and I am delighted that you have such lovely and supportive parents.

DriftingDora · 11/03/2024 21:01

What a lady! Well done, OP - you should be proud of yourself! Your MIL seems under no illusions about him either, that's a big plus, but he'll no doubt try his 'poor me, I'm the victim here' act on. Cobblers to all that! Onwards and upwards now, girl! Here's to a great future for you and the kids.

MintyCedric · 11/03/2024 21:14

Congratulations! You are amazing to do this with such a tiny baby and your parents sound awesome.

Wishing you the best of luck for a fabulous future without this absolute turd in your life!

MzHz · 11/03/2024 21:18

I can’t tell you how happy I am for you

happy you have been strong and brave enough to do what you had to do

to see it through

and most of all, happy you have the family around you to help and support you.

i didn’t have any of that love/support when i had to leave and it made the whole journey so much harder

DoYouWantMeToBeTheCat · 11/03/2024 21:21

I fucking love your parents!!!

please expect at some point you will miss him. Your love for him is real. It’s ok to think back and ask “was it all as bad as I imagine now? There were good times. My kids love him …”

write yourself a little note or print out this thread and keep it to open up when you’re feeling vulnerable and your memory or his behaviour twists things over time. And don’t be shocked when the time comes and you believe you made too much of a deal over everything. It’s an inevitable season you will go through- it’s a process and your brain needs to contextualise everything that’s happened. And that’s ok.

best of luck with everything - you know you are on the right path!!!

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 11/03/2024 21:28

So proud of you. As I was going to sleep last night I imagined all the strangers who had written to you all going to sleep with you in their hearts, hoping you’d do the right thing and claim your power back. X🥰

Bluetrews25 · 11/03/2024 21:36

Your parents are ace.
It will get better again in time
You've got this
With a little help from your family and friends xx

Motnight · 11/03/2024 21:47

Well done Op

Your parents must be incredibly relieved and proud of you.

Outlookmainlyfair · 11/03/2024 21:58

Well done, sounds horribly difficult for now but things will get better, so much better without him!

livelovelough24 · 11/03/2024 22:16

Oh OP I do not know you, but I am so happy for you, so proud and in owe of you for doing this. You are so strong and powerful, your children are so luck to have you as their mom, and you are lucky to have support of your own parents. Stay strong and move on. You are young, a whole life is in front of you. The best is yet to come.💐

Iamnotalemming · 11/03/2024 23:17

Soubriquet · 11/03/2024 20:20

Well done. A big fucking well done

This with bells on.

BunniesRUs · 11/03/2024 23:28

Yay! Onwards and upwards OP!

Therealjudgejudy · 12/03/2024 00:29

Well done!

lifesrichpageant · 12/03/2024 03:24

Huge congratulations OP! You did it! Remember that this is a tumultuous and uneven process so don't be surprised if you have wobbles. Stay strong, this is an enormous gift to yourself and your children.

RadRad · 12/03/2024 07:23

Well done OP, rarely do we see here action taken so swiftly, well done! I wouldn’t be surprised if he is waiting for your “hormones” to calm down and try to weave his way back in, and if this doesn’t happen, to turn angry on you, so please plan an exit where he can’t reach you easily, perhaps as others have said, you should go to your parents house.

Gowlett · 12/03/2024 08:23

Well done, OP. Your parents have always known, it’s great to have them. He will come back (the way he had to “leave” you is another classic, so he can tell friends / family it was you & you’re “hormones”). Glad your MIL knows too! I only found out recently that my SIL ended her marriage when her second daughter was a newborn. You’ve done a very brave thing!

Teacup19 · 12/03/2024 08:33

OP I found this book by Lundy Bancroft invaluable during my separation/divorce. It really helped me process things and is recommended on Mumsnet regularly Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men amzn.eu/d/bYdzf3G

Ellsbells22 · 12/03/2024 09:03

Listen, when he realises how much a solicitor and court fees are then he won’t do a thing. Also. Contact a women’s domestic abuse charity as they will support you if it comes down to the courts. They will not let him have 50/50 if he is abusing you as it is taken very seriously now. Write every instance of verbal abuse down, date, time and everything. Leave this at your parents if you need to. He is a narcissist and will never change and will continue to hurt you and you will regret it if you leave it too late. Your family sound mega supportive and I promise you, you will be strong and will be miles better off when you’re out the other side.

Ellsbells22 · 12/03/2024 09:08

Wow sorry I didn’t see your other threads!!! Well done you this is amazing news, your family are amazing too!! The holiday will be such a welcome break for you as well!! So glad he’s left. Amazing work, well done, I hope you are super proud of yourself!!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/03/2024 10:16

Just a thought: have you registered the baby's birth yet, if not do it now - you do not want your husband doing it and having the birth certificate

then whilst you are packing clothes and toys etc. to go to your parents home, collect any important paperwork i.e. birth certificates / passports / marriage certificate - this is needed for a divorce

Do you know who the mortgage is with etc.
in the long term would you want to stay in the house ? or would you want to start afresh ?
take meter readings as he may move back in the minute you go to your parents

submit a claim for Universal Credit - even if you are on maternity leave from a job
submit a claim now for CMS, as it takes time and he will need to be paying support for the children
do you have your own bank account / do you have a joint account ? - don't be surprised if he empties it :(

you have help at the moment with mum and dad being there, think of as much as you can, maybe mum and dad will think of something that has not occurred to you yet

and I am sure other people will be along with other advice / ideas / help...

Aprilrosesews · 12/03/2024 11:36

I am so proud of you for taking this step! I hope you are proud of yourself ❤️

applebee33 · 12/03/2024 12:09

Oh op I couldn't read and not reply. This man is a dangerous abusive cunt! Please please talk to your family and let people know what he is doing. He is trying to cut you off from your proper loved ones and your little babies will grow up thinking this is the norm. I beg of you to leave him

DaisyCat33 · 12/03/2024 13:01

applebee33 · 12/03/2024 12:09

Oh op I couldn't read and not reply. This man is a dangerous abusive cunt! Please please talk to your family and let people know what he is doing. He is trying to cut you off from your proper loved ones and your little babies will grow up thinking this is the norm. I beg of you to leave him

If you read OP's posts you will see she has just left him!

Teacup19 · 12/03/2024 13:40

My experience after separating from an abuser if helps prepare you, is that he alternated between lovebombing-threatening-nasty all against my emotions swaying between hate-wanting things back to how they were-regret-heartbreak. It can be a very confusing time, but it doesn't have to be. I'm sure your family will help you stick to your guns. 🤗

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