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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mother's Day from hell

384 replies

momentsofmadnesstoday · 10/03/2024 19:35

Our second child almost two weeks old. Today my husband went to his football and should have been gone for 1.5 hours including travel time but was gone for 3. I said nothing about it.

He hates my parents for no good reason other than my dad is a typical dad of his era and just like me talking and watching sport an doesn’t make much effort with grandchildren until they are about 5 and can play golf, chess etc. my mother is very involved will play games and imaginative play with her grandchildren but she is a worrier so she does make comments like ‘ oh no X banged their head, will they be ok, should we call the doctor’ which annoys my husband because he wants our children to be very rough and tumble but she does mean well. I said if he’s going to football I’ll ask my mum to come around he wasn’t happy but he said fine. I made sure they only stayed 1 hour to make sure she and my dad were gone before he came home. I washed the dishes, put away the washing put another wash on, wiped the kitchen sides down, tidied the toy room and took care of the two children.

Once he finally came home first thing he said was ‘ did your dad come’ I said yes because I won’t lie and he said ‘oh that fucking twat I’d love to smash him and your bother in The fucking face’. I burst into tears I simply said can you just not hold your tongue for one day as he says this to me pretty much every day. I went upstairs and he followed me and apologised and hugged me and when he hugged me I felt so angry but of course I just said ‘ it’s fine’ and he has gaslit me and said ‘ it’s ok it’s your hormones’ again this made my blood boil but I said nothing.

We watched the rugby which I can’t stand and he refused to talk to me and I kept trying to talk because I’m weak and just want to move on and try and salvage the day.

then my mum text and said would I like an electric clothes dryer and I said yes please he then kicked off about that saying wtf is wrong with mum mum why is she wasting money on shit like that and I explained it’s to make my life a little bit easier and he just kept on about how my mum is a Fucking idiot and just wants to add clutter to our home. Bear in mind our home is spotless as we have a toy room for the kids. He then called me a cunt and several other names and kept saying how he would love to beat up my brother and dad. wtf . Then I said my brother and dad don’t even give you a second thought why do you hate my brother and dad so much. That was then turned back on me by him as me apprently saying ‘my family are better than his’ …again another wtf moment as I never said that!

Anyway he then turns the football on after the rugby but continued to just be in his phone and I lost it… well lost it may my standards as I never kick off and said ‘it is Mother’s Day you have done all you wanted all day again and your not even watching the game your on your phone and I’m going to watch what I want’ I took the control and put the tv show friends on because it was lighthearted and to try and cheer myself up. Which he responded with ‘what fucking retard likes this show’.

This was further met with an onslaught of abuse… how ugly and lazy I am etc I went up to the bedroom and left him with the two children and within 5 minutes he brought he baby up saying he needs his nappy changed. Why he can’t do it I’m not sure! he has only changed the baby once and telling me my hormones are fucked and it’s just a normal day and to get a grip. He’s like this on Mother’s Day with our toddler he called me a cunt at half 8 in the morning ‘ for a laugh’ which made me cry as it was my first ever Mother’s Day. He does this sort of behaviour at my birthday and Christmas or any family gathering with my side of the family but Father’s Day and his birthday or events with his family are the absolute opposite

P.s he didn’t manage to get me a present and I had to call his mum to wish her a happy Mother’s Day and she thanked ‘US’ For the flowers which I obviously sent and paid for

I’m still held up in the bedroom and he’s now just come up and asked me what am I making for tea because him and our toddler are hungry. I told him he knows what a kitchen is and to use it. Now I can hear him in the kitchen saying things to our toddler like ‘ mummy is too tired to cook anything isn’t she’ and ‘ it’s boys night tonight by the looks of it’ he’s slamming doors and cupboards attempting to make something which is probably beans on toast. Will be interesting if he thinks to make me something

Just needed a rant or be honest

OP posts:
Aguinnessplease · 11/03/2024 10:52

I feel sick reading this. Please, just leave. You don’t deserve any of this crap. Life is so much better without these sorts of abusive ar**holes.

Everythinggreen · 11/03/2024 10:54

Reading this has made me so angry I want to come round and help you pack up and go to your parents. You do not deserve this at all and you don't have to put up with this vile abusive man. Please tell your parents and brother, let them help you. Keeping yourself safe is also keeping your DC safe. I'm so mad for you!!

SallyWD · 11/03/2024 10:55

It doesn't matter if he's "only" like this once a week and the rest of time he's fine. It's completely abnormal. I've been with DH 21 years and he's never once called me a cunt, or any other name, or said he wants to beat up my family members. It's abusive, aggressive and a horrible environment to raise your children. They will undoubtedly be deeply affected if they see their mother treated like this.

femfemlicious · 11/03/2024 10:58

😭 gosh it's so horrible that you have 2 children with this man😭 please make sure you don't get pregnant again and work towards leaving him. This is no way to live, I'm sorry😭

Bobthethird · 11/03/2024 10:59

I'm glad your family are sticking by you op, you need them. You say you have a toddler but this is your first mothers day so i'm assuming your oldest son is nearly 1? How will you feel when he calls you a cunt? when he copies Daddy and the names to you, Nanny, the kids at nursery? When he learns that marriage is one person grinding the other down until they have no fight left? That Mom isn't someone worthy of respect?

It doesn't have to be today, but you really need to start thinking about how you get away from him and raise your boys in a home where they arent learning this is how men should be

ButterBastardBeans · 11/03/2024 11:16

momentsofmadnesstoday · 10/03/2024 19:58

I've told him countless time he is abusive and he has laughed in my face and told me I don't know what abuse is. He's made it clear to me it's my hormones this time, it was my hormones when I was pregnant. He wasn't like this until I was pregnant with my first child. He never raised his voice or called me names or gaslit me and he even got on well with my family but as soon as I got pregnant he switched

Your eyes are opening now OP. tine to start hearing everything that comes from him as white noise and get the hell out.

anunlikelyseahorse · 11/03/2024 11:17

Op you need to leave. Easier said than done, but you have your family for support. This is a hideous and damaging environment for both you and your children to be brought up in. This isn't your fault, you've been hoodwinked by a complete toss pot, but you do need to leave, not just for your own well-being but for your children too.
It's so boringly familiar, seemingly decent male partner until your first pregnancy and then the scales slowly fall off. Again not your fault, he's played his cards well, but yours is the next move. And you need to play your hand carefully, because he's an abusive twat and he won't let go quietly, until he can find someone else to play the hero and then the bully.

NOTANUM · 11/03/2024 11:19

One day your toddler son will call you a “c*#t” and will treat a partner like his dad treats you.
Your baby daughter could seek out an abuser as a partner as she didn’t have a role model of a father when she was growing up.
All that can change if you make a new life away from this horrible man. But I know it’s hard. Many hugs.

Frangipanyoul8r · 11/03/2024 11:24

he said ‘oh that fucking twat I’d love to smash him and your bother in The fucking face’.

There will come a point very soon that your children hear him say words like this and think it’s normal. For the sake of your poor innocent children, you must leave before threats like this becomes their normality too.

Pipsquiggle · 11/03/2024 11:26

Sounds like a horrible situation @momentsofmadnesstoday

Please start making a plan to leave. Please start documenting every time he does / says something awful. You can start with your OP.

No one should stay with anyone who calls them 'a c*nt' - it's deliberately derogatory, belittling and disrespectful.

He is being abusive and it's not an environment to bring your DC up in.

Flyingsquirrelr · 11/03/2024 11:26

He’s awful OP . Maybe you stood up to him a little today but please don’t think that you can make it all ok . He is an abuser and will get worse . Please go to your parents today tell them everything and ask for their help .

pinkyredrose · 11/03/2024 11:26

Your husband hates you.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 11/03/2024 11:28

It sounds like he hates your dad and your brother because they make him feel less of a man. He thinks they judge him for being an abusive twat who is nowhere near good enough for you. He's probably right and they probably do. My guess is they see right through him and he knows it. That's why he hates them and wants to punch their heads in.

If you ask your dad if you can come home with your children, my guess is he won't sound shocked or even bother questioning your decision. He'll just be straight in the car.

pinkyredrose · 11/03/2024 11:32

He wants your Dc to be rough and tumble? He's showing your sons that this is how men treat women. You need to leave. Would he even want 50/50?

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/03/2024 11:33

You’re confused as to why he’s nice some of the time and really abusive others. It’s because that’s the way he keeps you trapped. Being nice to you isn’t him being nice. It is part of the abuse and is designed to keep you under his control, to stop you wanting to leave so that he can continue to abuse you. He only started to abuse you in pregnancy because he needed to be nice until he trapped you.

Please read this short article to explain. https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/cycle-of-abuse#the-cycle

You don’t have to stay trapped. There are some great mumsnetters on this site, who can guide you and advise you how to collect evidence, to see the signs and support you to get out of this situation, leave him.

Cycle of Abuse: Understanding the 4 Parts

The idea of looking at abuse as a cycle is common practice among experts, but it has its limitations. Here’s a closer look at what the cycle involves and why it doesn’t always represent the full story.

https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/cycle-of-abuse#the-cycle

KreedKafer · 11/03/2024 11:42

OP, you absolutely MUST leave this man. This isn't low-level abuse. It's extreme.

FrenchandSaunders · 11/03/2024 11:46

Blimey this is awful OP. Your parents must be so worried about you and your DCs. I have adult DDs and I would want them to ring me to help get them out of this situation.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/03/2024 12:39

Another one adding to the chorus here. I don't know about a mother's day from hell but you're having a life of hell with this horrible, vile excuse for a human.

Divorce him and watch your happiness increase. Maybe not straight away but it will. I can imagine your family (mum, dad, brother) also walk around on eggshells around him and you for fear of upsetting him and the consequences to you.

You don't want this relationship, OP, it will not ever, ever improve but the way you say he's talking, it could well become violent if it hasn't already.

Get away from him. Flowers

BakedBeansAndChips · 11/03/2024 12:57

Oh my god, OP this is very, very abusive. Your parents sound very normal but your DH's words and behaviour are not OK. Your children will be much happier for you not being stuck in a relationship with an abuser. Please, you are putting them first by getting out - you really, really are

Folklore9074 · 11/03/2024 13:36

This isn’t normal OP, he’s abusing you. It will be so much easier without him, and yes it will be so so hard to leave but please for your kids, for yourself, for your parents do it.

JustBloodyWellSayNo · 11/03/2024 13:42

Your husband is a vile, abusive bastard who doesn't care a toss about you or your children. He is a crap father and partner. PLEASE, get rid of the absolute cunt. He will never, ever be any good. Spend MORE time with your parents and brother, in fact, anyone who will be there to support you. This scumbag you are with is NO good at all. You and your children deserve so much better than that. Get all the help you can in turfing this bastard out.

Bluetrews25 · 11/03/2024 13:45

I hope your next Mothers' Day is a whole lot better than the one you have just had.
Please let your parents come and scoop you up, take you to safety.
Please don't let yourself become a statistic.
This will become physical in time (assuming it hasn't already) as he is threatening it by threatening your family.
He is dangerous.

If I said you had to stay with him for the rest of your life, how would that make you feel?
Your OP was chilling to read, dear @momentsofmadnesstoday .
Sending a hug.

SpringtimeBunny · 11/03/2024 15:05

Oh OP. This was my childhood. Please please do what my mum didn't and leave. Please

FourLimesAndSomeMangeTout · 11/03/2024 15:07

Terrified for you OP.

I am sure that reading this thread in its unanimity is scary and overwhelming. My heart goes out to you having a newborn and toddler too with this disgusting abusive excuse for a husband and father.

But, you have a supportive family who can help you on ALL levels, you are young and your children can be saved. Make no mistake though, not leaving and exposing them to that vile specimen's violent tongue (and physical violence IS a strong possibility) will damage them irreparably.

You must process quickly and get away from him.

You gave birth 2 weeks ago and instead of cherishing you and opening your home to your parents on mother's day, he is calling you a c*. I have no further words for just how awful and grave this is. I could cry for you.