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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mother's Day from hell

384 replies

momentsofmadnesstoday · 10/03/2024 19:35

Our second child almost two weeks old. Today my husband went to his football and should have been gone for 1.5 hours including travel time but was gone for 3. I said nothing about it.

He hates my parents for no good reason other than my dad is a typical dad of his era and just like me talking and watching sport an doesn’t make much effort with grandchildren until they are about 5 and can play golf, chess etc. my mother is very involved will play games and imaginative play with her grandchildren but she is a worrier so she does make comments like ‘ oh no X banged their head, will they be ok, should we call the doctor’ which annoys my husband because he wants our children to be very rough and tumble but she does mean well. I said if he’s going to football I’ll ask my mum to come around he wasn’t happy but he said fine. I made sure they only stayed 1 hour to make sure she and my dad were gone before he came home. I washed the dishes, put away the washing put another wash on, wiped the kitchen sides down, tidied the toy room and took care of the two children.

Once he finally came home first thing he said was ‘ did your dad come’ I said yes because I won’t lie and he said ‘oh that fucking twat I’d love to smash him and your bother in The fucking face’. I burst into tears I simply said can you just not hold your tongue for one day as he says this to me pretty much every day. I went upstairs and he followed me and apologised and hugged me and when he hugged me I felt so angry but of course I just said ‘ it’s fine’ and he has gaslit me and said ‘ it’s ok it’s your hormones’ again this made my blood boil but I said nothing.

We watched the rugby which I can’t stand and he refused to talk to me and I kept trying to talk because I’m weak and just want to move on and try and salvage the day.

then my mum text and said would I like an electric clothes dryer and I said yes please he then kicked off about that saying wtf is wrong with mum mum why is she wasting money on shit like that and I explained it’s to make my life a little bit easier and he just kept on about how my mum is a Fucking idiot and just wants to add clutter to our home. Bear in mind our home is spotless as we have a toy room for the kids. He then called me a cunt and several other names and kept saying how he would love to beat up my brother and dad. wtf . Then I said my brother and dad don’t even give you a second thought why do you hate my brother and dad so much. That was then turned back on me by him as me apprently saying ‘my family are better than his’ …again another wtf moment as I never said that!

Anyway he then turns the football on after the rugby but continued to just be in his phone and I lost it… well lost it may my standards as I never kick off and said ‘it is Mother’s Day you have done all you wanted all day again and your not even watching the game your on your phone and I’m going to watch what I want’ I took the control and put the tv show friends on because it was lighthearted and to try and cheer myself up. Which he responded with ‘what fucking retard likes this show’.

This was further met with an onslaught of abuse… how ugly and lazy I am etc I went up to the bedroom and left him with the two children and within 5 minutes he brought he baby up saying he needs his nappy changed. Why he can’t do it I’m not sure! he has only changed the baby once and telling me my hormones are fucked and it’s just a normal day and to get a grip. He’s like this on Mother’s Day with our toddler he called me a cunt at half 8 in the morning ‘ for a laugh’ which made me cry as it was my first ever Mother’s Day. He does this sort of behaviour at my birthday and Christmas or any family gathering with my side of the family but Father’s Day and his birthday or events with his family are the absolute opposite

P.s he didn’t manage to get me a present and I had to call his mum to wish her a happy Mother’s Day and she thanked ‘US’ For the flowers which I obviously sent and paid for

I’m still held up in the bedroom and he’s now just come up and asked me what am I making for tea because him and our toddler are hungry. I told him he knows what a kitchen is and to use it. Now I can hear him in the kitchen saying things to our toddler like ‘ mummy is too tired to cook anything isn’t she’ and ‘ it’s boys night tonight by the looks of it’ he’s slamming doors and cupboards attempting to make something which is probably beans on toast. Will be interesting if he thinks to make me something

Just needed a rant or be honest

OP posts:
piscofrisco · 11/03/2024 18:25

Good. It won't be easy op. But it will be a whole lot easier than living with him.

FirstBaba · 11/03/2024 18:30

Be prepared for a WHOLE lot of love bombing, then threats, then tears, then emotional blackmail (repeat cycle) in the coming weeks/months.
I can tell you are strong enough to get past that though.
And don't forget, above all else, ensure you and your children are safe. If that means going to your parents for a while I'm sure that could only be a good thing. Men like him, who are beginning to lose control, can be extremely dangerous and it may shock you just what he's capable of. Please don't take any chances x

Dustydoilies · 11/03/2024 19:08

Stay strong! Listen to mum and dad, they can see who he is.

He is an absolutely despicable abuser. How dare he blame it on your hormones.

Stay safe & doing it alone is 100 times easier than this xxxxx

Chatonette · 11/03/2024 19:11

I’m proud of you. You’re putting your children and yourself first. Your parents’ reaction tells me all I need to know.

He was gaslighting TF out of you last night. I’m worried about more manipulation coming down the pipeline.

Keep strong, do what’s best for your mental health and for your children, and lean on your parents and support network. You’ve got this, Mama.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 11/03/2024 19:21

You need to be very careful now. He will likely turn even nastier now. You need to keep yourself safe. Please have your Dad stay with you or still go to your parents. Don't fall for the lovebombing, now you've decided it's over, stand by your decision, you will be so much happier without him, once everything is settled.

Epidote · 11/03/2024 19:22

OP, I speak for myself and some others munsnetters that have been in that kind of relationships and I can tell we are very proud of you standing on your grounds anf feet.
Come on girl you got this!

Bluetrews25 · 11/03/2024 19:22

Hmm

Still think you'd be safer out of there.
A 2 week old baby does not care where they are as long as they are fed, dry and warm. Same for little ones. If you are in the marital home you are still on his patch and he has rights to get in there.

He will be back
He will threaten suicide unless you have him back
He may make up another health scare.

It will all be fake.
Well done on being decisive.
But he'll try to get back within days, possibly.

momentsofmadnesstoday · 11/03/2024 19:34

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to message. I have read every comment and it just reassured me that I am doing the right thing.

I’ve googled the freedom programme and will start that in a few days. My parents are staying here tonight and we will be going to go stay at my parents house for a few weeks. I have had a bit of a cry but we have had a takeaway and are relaxing all of us together. DH has text and said he needs some other things so my dad rang him and told him anything he needs my dad will drop whatever he wants to him as him coming to the house at the moment is not an option. He was nice to my dad on the phone and asked if I was ok and my told him yes he did not ask about the boys so my dad said that the boys are fine also 🙌

My parents are currently showing me holidays for the 5 of us for the end of May (my wedding anniversary) as something to look forward too

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 11/03/2024 19:40

@momentsofmadnesstoday im so glad that you have an amazing mum and dad there to support you, lean on them for the support you need.

you have a long road ahead of you but this is day 1 of the rest of your life.

keep chatting to us, we are all here to support you too .

Noseybookworm · 11/03/2024 19:41

momentsofmadnesstoday · 11/03/2024 19:34

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to message. I have read every comment and it just reassured me that I am doing the right thing.

I’ve googled the freedom programme and will start that in a few days. My parents are staying here tonight and we will be going to go stay at my parents house for a few weeks. I have had a bit of a cry but we have had a takeaway and are relaxing all of us together. DH has text and said he needs some other things so my dad rang him and told him anything he needs my dad will drop whatever he wants to him as him coming to the house at the moment is not an option. He was nice to my dad on the phone and asked if I was ok and my told him yes he did not ask about the boys so my dad said that the boys are fine also 🙌

My parents are currently showing me holidays for the 5 of us for the end of May (my wedding anniversary) as something to look forward too

I'm so glad you are safe and being looked after by your lovely parents ❤️ what an amazing strong woman you are! You and your children are going to be just fine. Sending you all a big hug 💐

Ewock · 11/03/2024 19:41

Your parents sound lovely, I'm so pleased you have their support. You've taken a huge step, take time for yourself aswell, allow your parents to care for you all. You're incredibly brave and strong

jocktamsonsbairn · 11/03/2024 19:43

Brilliant news!! I am so happy that you have made the first step and are planning on going to your parents house. Well done. Your life starts now!!

Whatwouldnanado · 11/03/2024 19:46

This is great news. You have been in my thoughts today. So pleased for you x

Hartley99 · 11/03/2024 19:47

I can 100% guarantee one thing – he won't change. In fact, he'll probably get worse. Did you know you were in an abusive relationship? Often it needs outsiders to make people realise.

momentsofmadnesstoday · 11/03/2024 19:50

Hartley99 · 11/03/2024 19:47

I can 100% guarantee one thing – he won't change. In fact, he'll probably get worse. Did you know you were in an abusive relationship? Often it needs outsiders to make people realise.

I agree with you I know he won't change. I don't think he is Carole of changing. It's always his way or the highway.
Yes I 100 percent knew it was an abusive relationship and I think the only reason I've been able to end it was because it was the straw that broke the camels back and I've been fanaticising about us breaking up for a few years I think I needed another big push to end it.

OP posts:
Mrsredlipstick · 11/03/2024 20:01

Get the house valued too whilst he's not there.

SuncreamAndIceCream · 11/03/2024 20:06

Very very proud of you OP.

I'm so glad your mum and dad are supporting you. I knew they would be worried.

Let your dad take care of any communication you need to have with your (ex) partner for now. Get yourself some peace and quiet away from that man.

Loubelou14 · 11/03/2024 20:08

So proud of you after reading this. Stay strong. Happier times are ahead. Remember your worth.

Sallyh87 · 11/03/2024 20:08

Well done @momentsofmadnesstoday ! You are so strong!

Also, your parents are to be admired for jumping to attention so quick and supporting you.

Have a good holiday as well x

teampacey · 11/03/2024 20:16

I have been where you are, it's scary but such a relief. You are free! You are going to have an amazing life. Anytime you have a moment where you worry if you have done the right thing read this thread.

I'm 5 and a half years on now and married again to the absolutely loveliest man. My old life seems like something that happened to someone else.

Well done for being so brave and taking the first step into your brand new wonderful life!

WilloTheWispy · 11/03/2024 20:16

OMG - your updates are great!
So pleased your parents are there.
Well done op.

Soubriquet · 11/03/2024 20:20

Well done. A big fucking well done

NicholJO · 11/03/2024 20:29

Hi op I'm so happy you have done this. Please don't take him back I'm saying this as I had 5 children and 17 years of mental/verbal abuse and was beaten black and blue he won't charge he's blaming you be emotional on your hormones he's doing that because he wants to beat you down thank god this time you didn't let him your a strong woman and a brilliant mummy for putting yourself and your little babies first the stronger you are the best mummy you will be it's easy for me to say this now but please believe me I know how terribly hard it is and also pleased for your mum and dad they must be relieved to know there little girl and their beautiful darling grandchildren are going to be OK

MyCatsAreFuckwits · 11/03/2024 20:31

You did it @momentsofmadnesstoday, you ARE starting your own new story.

You and your mum and dad sound awesome!

All the best and wishing you a happy start to a fabulous new life ❤

mcmooberry · 11/03/2024 20:50

Oh my goodness well done OP!! So glad you have such support from your parents!! So happy to hear your update! x