NRFT.
Sorry you are being treated this way. He is 100% a narcissistic abuser. This will only ever get worse. Nothing you say or do is ever good enough, you are always wrong. He will wear you down over time with his controlling behaviour, regular emotional and possibly financial, sexual abuse, disgusting unfair insults and constant put downs. He constantly has mood swings, jekyll & hyde behaviour, treats you abusively at home and wears a nice guy mask in public, angry outbursts over the smallest slight wether real or perceived. While you constantly have to walk on eggshells, as you can never tell what is going to trigger him next. He uses his tactics of gaslighting and trying to get between you and your family to eventually isolate when you give in for a quiet life, he always gets his way. He has zero empathy and compassion, and will always put himself before you and your children. He makes you feel crazy. You make yourself smaller and smaller until you no longer recognise your self. You change in so many ways trying to appease and anticipate his behaviour and moods.
He deliberately spoils special occasions like birthdays, xmas, girls night out, days with family without him, where it’s your day and not about him, and he kicks off every time before hand in attempt to stop you going, or if you do that you are too miserable to enjoy yourself. After only so many of these traumatising showdowns you can take, so eventually you stop even trying to go out or see anyone.
He was s likely insanely jealous and accuses you of cheating, even if you have proof to the contrary he will never believe you, he will monitor your phone, emails, chat apps and social media and try to catch you out, possibly with phone, computer and camera spyware at home, and tracker in car if you have one.
He wore a mask and love bombed you in the beginning of the relationship to win you over, he did idolise you in the beginning but switches to devaluing you when he realises that you are not the perfect subservient sex goddess he thought you were in his fantasies in his twisted mind, and that you are human with flaws and and emotions that do not fit with his agenda. He frequently flips from a fun, nice guy to the beverly happy and always angry monster. You likely try your best to get back the nice guy you fell in love with, and after he trods you down for so long, you will do all in your power to try to please him and stop triggering him if you only behave as he says, you will start to feel like maybe it’s all your fault.
His behaviour likely worsened when you moved in together, and after marriage and especially having children. These narcissistic abusers finally drop the nice man mask that you fell in love with, when the feel they finally have you under their control and firmly in his grasp.
He will get a million times worse if he feels he is losing that at any time, there’s also a risk of violence down the line, which is why it’s especially dangerous to say to him that you are leaving him, rather than getting help to get you and your children safely away from him with help from the police, womens aid, and family support. His nasty behaviour cannot be fixed with therapy, counselling, anger management or similar promises he will change. This is because it is actually personality and he has no control long term to fix it. He changed his behaviour at times for the better only if it serves him. ie you are going saying you want to leave or that you will tell someone about it all, he will pull you back in with love bombing you, turning in tears and playing the victim, he makes you feel sorry for him when he blames it on how horrendously he was treated as a child and his upbringing, things he may blame on crazy exes that have left him scarred. He may threaten suicide if he really believes you are leaving him.
If you don’t leave him, he eventually can just discard you in a heartbeat because he has found someone new that can give him the ego boosts and narcissistic supply he needs from others to make his small fragile self esteem to be constantly validated and inflated. You will find yourself dropped and alone, and broken and a shadow of who you once were.
My advice is get your ducks in a row, and run. Only do it safely without his knowledge in advance, and as i say with the help and professional help from womens aid, the police, and the support of family and friends. He is likely to not make leaving easy but it’s so worth it to escape his torture before it gets much much worse. Please read up everything you can on narcissistic personality disorder, and look on youtube for the amazing professional advice from Dr Ramani, she is astounding and will make you make sense of the madness that has become your life, and why he does what he does, and tips on how to act, the do’s and don’ts of engaging with him. Also read all the comments under her videos, there’s hundreds of other people who are living your exact scenario. They are predictable creatures once you get to know the depth of knowledge and advise needed to arm yourself against them. There’s also videos about how to cot with a narcissist. I wish you strength and luck going forward, give yourself time before doing anything to make sure you are safe and ready. No one deserves to be treated this way. 💐