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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mother's Day from hell

384 replies

momentsofmadnesstoday · 10/03/2024 19:35

Our second child almost two weeks old. Today my husband went to his football and should have been gone for 1.5 hours including travel time but was gone for 3. I said nothing about it.

He hates my parents for no good reason other than my dad is a typical dad of his era and just like me talking and watching sport an doesn’t make much effort with grandchildren until they are about 5 and can play golf, chess etc. my mother is very involved will play games and imaginative play with her grandchildren but she is a worrier so she does make comments like ‘ oh no X banged their head, will they be ok, should we call the doctor’ which annoys my husband because he wants our children to be very rough and tumble but she does mean well. I said if he’s going to football I’ll ask my mum to come around he wasn’t happy but he said fine. I made sure they only stayed 1 hour to make sure she and my dad were gone before he came home. I washed the dishes, put away the washing put another wash on, wiped the kitchen sides down, tidied the toy room and took care of the two children.

Once he finally came home first thing he said was ‘ did your dad come’ I said yes because I won’t lie and he said ‘oh that fucking twat I’d love to smash him and your bother in The fucking face’. I burst into tears I simply said can you just not hold your tongue for one day as he says this to me pretty much every day. I went upstairs and he followed me and apologised and hugged me and when he hugged me I felt so angry but of course I just said ‘ it’s fine’ and he has gaslit me and said ‘ it’s ok it’s your hormones’ again this made my blood boil but I said nothing.

We watched the rugby which I can’t stand and he refused to talk to me and I kept trying to talk because I’m weak and just want to move on and try and salvage the day.

then my mum text and said would I like an electric clothes dryer and I said yes please he then kicked off about that saying wtf is wrong with mum mum why is she wasting money on shit like that and I explained it’s to make my life a little bit easier and he just kept on about how my mum is a Fucking idiot and just wants to add clutter to our home. Bear in mind our home is spotless as we have a toy room for the kids. He then called me a cunt and several other names and kept saying how he would love to beat up my brother and dad. wtf . Then I said my brother and dad don’t even give you a second thought why do you hate my brother and dad so much. That was then turned back on me by him as me apprently saying ‘my family are better than his’ …again another wtf moment as I never said that!

Anyway he then turns the football on after the rugby but continued to just be in his phone and I lost it… well lost it may my standards as I never kick off and said ‘it is Mother’s Day you have done all you wanted all day again and your not even watching the game your on your phone and I’m going to watch what I want’ I took the control and put the tv show friends on because it was lighthearted and to try and cheer myself up. Which he responded with ‘what fucking retard likes this show’.

This was further met with an onslaught of abuse… how ugly and lazy I am etc I went up to the bedroom and left him with the two children and within 5 minutes he brought he baby up saying he needs his nappy changed. Why he can’t do it I’m not sure! he has only changed the baby once and telling me my hormones are fucked and it’s just a normal day and to get a grip. He’s like this on Mother’s Day with our toddler he called me a cunt at half 8 in the morning ‘ for a laugh’ which made me cry as it was my first ever Mother’s Day. He does this sort of behaviour at my birthday and Christmas or any family gathering with my side of the family but Father’s Day and his birthday or events with his family are the absolute opposite

P.s he didn’t manage to get me a present and I had to call his mum to wish her a happy Mother’s Day and she thanked ‘US’ For the flowers which I obviously sent and paid for

I’m still held up in the bedroom and he’s now just come up and asked me what am I making for tea because him and our toddler are hungry. I told him he knows what a kitchen is and to use it. Now I can hear him in the kitchen saying things to our toddler like ‘ mummy is too tired to cook anything isn’t she’ and ‘ it’s boys night tonight by the looks of it’ he’s slamming doors and cupboards attempting to make something which is probably beans on toast. Will be interesting if he thinks to make me something

Just needed a rant or be honest

OP posts:
lightisnotwhite · 10/03/2024 19:57

Seriously? He’s a vile human in his own right let alone being the father of your kids. Who calls anyone a cunt for no good reason? How can you let your kids be near this pond life.

He hates you. He’s just can’t think of a way to leave. Do him a massive favour

sunshineandshowers40 · 10/03/2024 19:57

This is one of the worst things I have read on mumsnet. Please take your children and go to your parent's house. Your husband's behaviour is vile.

Everythingtoseehere · 10/03/2024 19:58

Run away
as fast as you can
and when he manipulates and gaslights ypu
read back what you wrote here
stay standing and strong

momentsofmadnesstoday · 10/03/2024 19:58

I've told him countless time he is abusive and he has laughed in my face and told me I don't know what abuse is. He's made it clear to me it's my hormones this time, it was my hormones when I was pregnant. He wasn't like this until I was pregnant with my first child. He never raised his voice or called me names or gaslit me and he even got on well with my family but as soon as I got pregnant he switched

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 10/03/2024 20:01

You have support from your parents. No excuse to stay with an abuser.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/03/2024 20:02

I know he would fight me tooth and nail for 50/50

Men like your husband never want 50/50. Your husband would never want to deal with them on his own for that much time. It will never fucking happen.

You are so bullied and beaten down by him that you can't even think straight. Get out right now with your kids and report this pig to the police for coercive abuse.

newyear2024 · 10/03/2024 20:03

PinkLemonade555 · 10/03/2024 19:44

Why do women procreate with these absolute pieces of shit.

you don’t need a rant OP you need to leave.

Edited

Because it happens slowly slowly. They don't just start off being abusive, they test the waters very subtly with little things like gentle criticism, "humorous" jokes about your appearance, nit picking about your family, comments about where you've been etc, little subtle things that can go on for a long time. Then (usually after they've sealed the deal with marriage/a baby) etc they progress onto outright abuse like the above. Complete control, alienating the victim from friends/family aka their support system.

By this time the victim has been worn down, they feel like they are the ones in the wrong,, they can no longer lean on family for support, they are too worried about their kids having a broken home or they are now convinced their husband will take the children from them. They are told they are going mad, imagining things, abused and then love bombed over and over and can't see a way out.

But in alot of cases something will happen to make the victim see their husbands for what they are, and they find the strength to leave. But it rarely happens over night or by family begging them to leave. Sometimes it takes their children being affected, sometimes it takes a physical crime being committed resulting in police involvement. They have to reach this decision themselves, with their own strength. Sadly alot of women don't make it out alive if there is physical violence as well.

I hope you get out OP xx

RandomMess · 10/03/2024 20:04

If you are breastfeeding he simply can't have 50:50 for the baby and it will be empty threat to keep you there trapped.

Leave, it will just get worse.

lightisnotwhite · 10/03/2024 20:04

You don’t need to psychoanalyse him. It doesn’t matter why he switched.

Sadly he has and he is hurting you and the children. He’s an adult. He can get help if he wants it. Give him the space to do that by leaving him.

momentsofmadnesstoday · 10/03/2024 20:06

Gowlett · 10/03/2024 19:56

A lot of posters don’t actually understand marital abuse, and how insidious it can be. OP’s husband is clearly horrible, but she is just used to it now. She’s being alienated from her family (classic abuse). She has a new baby. He knows that she doesn’t have the strength right now. He knows! But someday hopefully you will, OP… I know how bad it is, though.

I think you have hit the nail on the head. He knows it too week to live right now and he can pinch me down as much as possible because I'm an easy target but this is the first time in the 9 years we have been together that I have walked away from him to another room and me riding to leave means he's texting me constantly and coming up and saying 'come down before the boys go to bed'. So in my head this is a little win as I'm not budging for once in my life

OP posts:
duende · 10/03/2024 20:06

OP, please leave this horrible, abusive disgusting piece of work ASAP. I am glad you have supportive parents who can help you.
Please leave before he destroys your and your children's lives.

chocolatelover91 · 10/03/2024 20:07

Yep. He needs to go! You deserve better!

PinkLemonade555 · 10/03/2024 20:08

newyear2024 · 10/03/2024 20:03

Because it happens slowly slowly. They don't just start off being abusive, they test the waters very subtly with little things like gentle criticism, "humorous" jokes about your appearance, nit picking about your family, comments about where you've been etc, little subtle things that can go on for a long time. Then (usually after they've sealed the deal with marriage/a baby) etc they progress onto outright abuse like the above. Complete control, alienating the victim from friends/family aka their support system.

By this time the victim has been worn down, they feel like they are the ones in the wrong,, they can no longer lean on family for support, they are too worried about their kids having a broken home or they are now convinced their husband will take the children from them. They are told they are going mad, imagining things, abused and then love bombed over and over and can't see a way out.

But in alot of cases something will happen to make the victim see their husbands for what they are, and they find the strength to leave. But it rarely happens over night or by family begging them to leave. Sometimes it takes their children being affected, sometimes it takes a physical crime being committed resulting in police involvement. They have to reach this decision themselves, with their own strength. Sadly alot of women don't make it out alive if there is physical violence as well.

I hope you get out OP xx

I’ve been in an abusive relationship, so I know how it works. But honestly I think you intuitively know it’s not right. You just ignore it.

I’m not blaming the OP at all I just honestly despair. It’s all too common and it’s just devastating.

Natty13 · 10/03/2024 20:08

You, frankly, need to raise your bar as it is currently in the gutter.

I'm sure he makes you feel worthless but you are not. You and your kids deserve way better. If my daughter ended up with a man like this I would despair, what disgusting behaviour towards you.

momentsofmadnesstoday · 10/03/2024 20:11

@newyear2024 that is exactly what has happened and how I am feeling

OP posts:
Dearover · 10/03/2024 20:13

Please don't let him alienate you from your family. They love you and it must be breaking their hearts to leave you & your babies with him.

RenoDakota · 10/03/2024 20:14

This was heartbreaking to read.
Please just leave. Take your children to your parents' house where you will all be safe and cared for.
Wishing you all the very best.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/03/2024 20:15

Go with your children to your parents. Let them help you along with the likes of Women’s Aid and a solicitor in order to divorce him.

Abuse like this is insidious in its onset and often creeps up on people unawares. Pregnancy and childbirth are flashpoints for such men to show their true colours to their target, in this case you. Your now husband targeted you in order to abuse you

Abusers like your h can be nice sometimes because if they were not, no woman would want to be with them. Their nice/nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one. You have seen this re him in your day to day life.

He may well start shouting about 50/50 etc but he could well be saying that to keep you there with him in your cage. Also such men are inherently lazy and his children would interfere with both his work and leisure time. He is not a good father to his children anyway because he abuses you, and in turn them, as their mother.

Paidanddone · 10/03/2024 20:16

Please please go to your parents and let them help you, this is just so awful and heartbreaking to read xx 😔

StedeBonnet · 10/03/2024 20:19

There's absolutely no fucking way he'd want 50/50. No way.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/03/2024 20:19

Better to be from a so called broken home op, than to remain in one. This is no environment for them or you to remain in. When he decides that verbal abuse is no longer sufficient against you he could well go onto physically hurt you.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Never forget that truism.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/03/2024 20:19

Call your mum, right now. Tell her everything. Absolutely everything. Tell her you have to get your kids away and you need her help, can she please help you. Use every resource possible to get away.

LouOver · 10/03/2024 20:19

If your made up that your not going to leave for the time being. I think you need to secretly record him on your phone. Catch a few of these outbursts on record for when he then tries to gaslight you to his family and potentially court.

Only do it if you can safely do it. This man is awful and you need to get out.

StrawberryEater · 10/03/2024 20:19

Just want to add my voice to the others who are telling you that this is vile, abusive and disgusting behaviour and you need to leave. The things he says about beating up your father and brother are NOT normal or ok and might be said in part designed to make you very aware of his physical strength and put you in fear. Don’t worry about the children not having their father around - it would be much worse for them to grow up watching their father abuse their mother.

I am so sorry this is happening to you but it is wonderful that your parents are willing and able to help. One tip - don’t let them help you buy a house until you are divorced or he will be entitled to up to half of it.

Good luck OP.

newyear2024 · 10/03/2024 20:21

PinkLemonade555 · 10/03/2024 20:08

I’ve been in an abusive relationship, so I know how it works. But honestly I think you intuitively know it’s not right. You just ignore it.

I’m not blaming the OP at all I just honestly despair. It’s all too common and it’s just devastating.

I don't think it's 'ignoring it' I think it's being afraid, being hopeless, being unsure/confused, sometimes guilt, feeling trapped emtionally/financially etc. It's not black and white, as you know. So it's completely understandable to me why people stay longer than they should. Its more complicated than simply "LTB" even though its clear as day on the outside why the victim should leave. Its like when a person or child is sexually abused/molested, it sometimes takes years and years to come forward if they ever do - they know it was wrong but it's not a case of ignoring it for years, the victim has been made to feel worthless, guilty, ashamed and so years go by until they find the courage to come forward.