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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mother's Day from hell

384 replies

momentsofmadnesstoday · 10/03/2024 19:35

Our second child almost two weeks old. Today my husband went to his football and should have been gone for 1.5 hours including travel time but was gone for 3. I said nothing about it.

He hates my parents for no good reason other than my dad is a typical dad of his era and just like me talking and watching sport an doesn’t make much effort with grandchildren until they are about 5 and can play golf, chess etc. my mother is very involved will play games and imaginative play with her grandchildren but she is a worrier so she does make comments like ‘ oh no X banged their head, will they be ok, should we call the doctor’ which annoys my husband because he wants our children to be very rough and tumble but she does mean well. I said if he’s going to football I’ll ask my mum to come around he wasn’t happy but he said fine. I made sure they only stayed 1 hour to make sure she and my dad were gone before he came home. I washed the dishes, put away the washing put another wash on, wiped the kitchen sides down, tidied the toy room and took care of the two children.

Once he finally came home first thing he said was ‘ did your dad come’ I said yes because I won’t lie and he said ‘oh that fucking twat I’d love to smash him and your bother in The fucking face’. I burst into tears I simply said can you just not hold your tongue for one day as he says this to me pretty much every day. I went upstairs and he followed me and apologised and hugged me and when he hugged me I felt so angry but of course I just said ‘ it’s fine’ and he has gaslit me and said ‘ it’s ok it’s your hormones’ again this made my blood boil but I said nothing.

We watched the rugby which I can’t stand and he refused to talk to me and I kept trying to talk because I’m weak and just want to move on and try and salvage the day.

then my mum text and said would I like an electric clothes dryer and I said yes please he then kicked off about that saying wtf is wrong with mum mum why is she wasting money on shit like that and I explained it’s to make my life a little bit easier and he just kept on about how my mum is a Fucking idiot and just wants to add clutter to our home. Bear in mind our home is spotless as we have a toy room for the kids. He then called me a cunt and several other names and kept saying how he would love to beat up my brother and dad. wtf . Then I said my brother and dad don’t even give you a second thought why do you hate my brother and dad so much. That was then turned back on me by him as me apprently saying ‘my family are better than his’ …again another wtf moment as I never said that!

Anyway he then turns the football on after the rugby but continued to just be in his phone and I lost it… well lost it may my standards as I never kick off and said ‘it is Mother’s Day you have done all you wanted all day again and your not even watching the game your on your phone and I’m going to watch what I want’ I took the control and put the tv show friends on because it was lighthearted and to try and cheer myself up. Which he responded with ‘what fucking retard likes this show’.

This was further met with an onslaught of abuse… how ugly and lazy I am etc I went up to the bedroom and left him with the two children and within 5 minutes he brought he baby up saying he needs his nappy changed. Why he can’t do it I’m not sure! he has only changed the baby once and telling me my hormones are fucked and it’s just a normal day and to get a grip. He’s like this on Mother’s Day with our toddler he called me a cunt at half 8 in the morning ‘ for a laugh’ which made me cry as it was my first ever Mother’s Day. He does this sort of behaviour at my birthday and Christmas or any family gathering with my side of the family but Father’s Day and his birthday or events with his family are the absolute opposite

P.s he didn’t manage to get me a present and I had to call his mum to wish her a happy Mother’s Day and she thanked ‘US’ For the flowers which I obviously sent and paid for

I’m still held up in the bedroom and he’s now just come up and asked me what am I making for tea because him and our toddler are hungry. I told him he knows what a kitchen is and to use it. Now I can hear him in the kitchen saying things to our toddler like ‘ mummy is too tired to cook anything isn’t she’ and ‘ it’s boys night tonight by the looks of it’ he’s slamming doors and cupboards attempting to make something which is probably beans on toast. Will be interesting if he thinks to make me something

Just needed a rant or be honest

OP posts:
FunnyFinch · 11/03/2024 08:17

what a truly awful environment for your children OP. Utterly shite actually

FoxeyLady · 11/03/2024 08:28

Leave..your parent would help you,many have no one to turn to. Leave for god's sake!

Dibilnik · 11/03/2024 08:42

I'm willing to bet your parents are praying for you to turn up on their doorstep so that they can start protecting you from this pathetic excuse for a man. Please go. Now.

Patrickiscrazy · 11/03/2024 08:48

PinkLemonade555 · 10/03/2024 19:44

Why do women procreate with these absolute pieces of shit.

you don’t need a rant OP you need to leave.

Edited

Yes, you said it first. Another piece of sh*t.
Actually I feel sick.
Sorry no advice for the OP, no experience. 🤮

OhamIreally · 11/03/2024 08:49

As they grow older your boys may align with their horrible father and start to join in with the abuse of you.

I have seen heartbreaking posts from women whose sons are now calling her fat and lazy. Imagine living in that war zone with your innocent children corrupted further each day.

I'm so relieved to hear you have supportive parents and the fact that you have already considered your financial position (and found it to be good) tells me that you are well on the way to making the decision to leave.

Patrickiscrazy · 11/03/2024 08:52

Kizzy192 · 11/03/2024 07:31

I grew up with a father like this and it was a horrible childhood. Every special occasion is filled with bad memories and I struggle to not fear them even now. LEAVE.

If he's struggling to make beans on toast for the toddler 50/50 custody likely won't last long. He won't be able to hack it. Besides, if you can safely gather evidence of the abuse (diary, for starters - there are apps you can disguise as a calculator for safety) a court likely won't give him 50/50.

Your parents will be relieved to have you and the kids safe under their roof, I'm sure. Good luck and be strong, your kids need you ❤️

Sorry.
My father was an abusive pig, too.
Apparently suffered fallout from being in the Army.
💐

MorningSunshineSparkles · 11/03/2024 08:53

Sending you love and strength OP, I hope you’re ok and find the strength to leave Flowers

iamwhatiam23 · 11/03/2024 08:59

Oh op! Please get rid of this abusive twat! Do not allow your dc to be raised in a home where they will be emotionally damaged by watching their dm be treated this way! Your dh is a selfish, abusive bully. Your dp seem lovely and would likely give you so much help to raise your dc without this absolute specimen of a man ruining your lives!

Peekaboobo · 11/03/2024 09:05

I'm really shocked that you're raising your children under these conditions to be honest.

Xenoi24 · 11/03/2024 09:05

Men say they want 50-50 - usually to get out of child maintenance, but they really don't usually go for 50-50.

Cause that would be work.

Unless they can get a woman to do it for them. Like their mum or a new gf.

Even then he's unlikely to end up doing 50-50.

Only over nights count for child maintenance, nothing else.

If you breastfeed/say you're breast feeding the new baby; you could put off him having them 50-50 for quite a while too.

You might also be able to reduce his access by talking to women's aid and social services about his behaviour.

Xenoi24 · 11/03/2024 09:07

Oh and btw your parents sound normal and nice.

He's got a problem with them, with everybody by the sounds of it, cause there's something wrong with him. He's a total dickhead. And it sounds like he wants you cut off from their support.

His threats and aggression, even if he doesn't act on it, towards your Dad etc is pathetic crazy behaviour. What a big man. Bet if he ever into actual fisticuffs with a man his own age, who knew how to fight - he'd be as weak as piss.

Like most bullies and abusers he picks who to be nasty to and who to threaten... People smaller, weaker, older, much younger, dependant on him, and people too civilised & nice to be a threat to him.

Make this your last child by this specimen, please.

DriftingDora · 11/03/2024 09:11

Heavens, this man is vile. He sounds unhinged as well. Get away from him as soon as you can and call the police when he kicks off - you need to get a record established of his behaviour. He's in the business of deliberately alienating you from your friends and family as well - as soon as you can, please get away.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 11/03/2024 09:24

You need to report this abuse to the police. And leave. Reporting it will hopefully protect your children too. He should only have supervised visitation in my opinion, he sounds dangerous. Call womens aid for advice x

FartSock5000 · 11/03/2024 09:40

@momentsofmadnesstoday You know you are being abused.

What you may not know is that your brain can actually become addicted to it.

Don't try to stay for the kids. You'll end up with anxious, worried children or they'll learn from Dad and give you more of the same.

Leave. For your own sanity and for your children's wellbeing. Being raised in an abusive household does not create happy, well adjusted kids.

JPGR · 11/03/2024 09:41

This man is a monster. Please don’t stay with him.

CockSpadget · 11/03/2024 09:44

Oh sweetheart, my heart hurts for you. You are living my old life, and I wish I could wave a magic wand and make him disappear.
Please believe me, you can leave. Wrap yourself in your family and let them help you through this.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 11/03/2024 09:51

Wow. Do your mum and dad have room at home for you and your children? I'd be waiting for that twat you are married to to go to work and I'd get my dad to pick me up and take me home for good.

He is a selfish, abusive arsehole and unless it literally came on out of the blue during your pregnancy I can't understand for one moment why you thought a a second child with this complete prick would be a good idea.

Yes you are probably hormonal and yes we might overreact emotionally to things when we have a two week old baby but none of that excuses or explains his revolting, entitled, abusive behaviour.

PinkyFlamingo · 11/03/2024 09:52

You will know this is only going to get worse. So you have a choice to make to protect your children when you still can. Another few years and it will be too late as the emotional damage to them will have been set.

BryceQuinlan · 11/03/2024 09:54

Send your mother a link to this thread and pack your bags. Your children need protecting.

redalex261 · 11/03/2024 10:09

Oh my god, please leave. This man (and he’s no man, he's a fucking walloper bully bastard) is an abuser. He is systematically eroding your self confidence, self respect and sanity. For the sake of your kids who should not be exposed to this please leave. Do you think they should believe this is how relationships work? Please make a record of what has happened, seek help from Women’s Aid and your family and get out. Good luck x

Whalewatching · 11/03/2024 10:14

Try and find the strength to leave him, op. He will grind you down for ever. Leave while you have your parents to help you, they sound like good people. Think of your kids - not to pressurise you but it is your duty to protect them. Think of yourself - you should not tolerate this from another human being. He is a pig. I’m absolutely raging on your behalf. Who the hell does he think he is.

PostItInABook · 11/03/2024 10:14

Has he hit you yet OP? Because he will if he hasn’t already. It’s just a matter of time. He is a disgusting piece of shit. Take your kids and go to your lovely parents.

Verv · 11/03/2024 10:17

OP you have to leave this man. Go to your parents, let them help you.
Please leave him - permanently.

VickyEadieofThigh · 11/03/2024 10:20

Verv · 11/03/2024 10:17

OP you have to leave this man. Go to your parents, let them help you.
Please leave him - permanently.

Absolutely this. He's not going to miraculously change. He WILL get even worse.

BronwenTheBrave · 11/03/2024 10:41

This is awful. If you can leave him you should. It will only get worse, and affect your kids.

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