He finally told me why he hasn't been able to tell me he loves me...

[Tearroller]

My ex husband of 1 year came over tonight to talk about us potentially getting back together after we recently went on a few dates to see if we could revive our marriage. His request. I was saddened to end my marriage but needed so much more from him: love, sex, affection and commitment- all of which were missing. We have continued to get along and raise our children pretty well as a coparenting team. So, I was open to the discussion.

By the end of the conversation, I just feel so upset. First we both discussed our core values which are quite different in some ways, so we acknowledged that there could be some issues there. I talked about the things I needed from our marriage- all the things that were missing- him telling me he loves me, physical touch etc.

He managed explain for the first time (thankfully but upsettingly) that the reason he has felt unable to love me or be affectionate with me in recent years is because of these values. One of my values is freedom and primarily having the freedom to express myself, my feelings, my thoughts. He told me that he finds this unattractive and that because I am so open and expressive and will speak up about things I feel are wrong it has caused him to feel less attracted to me and unable to tell me he loves me. This value is such a big part of me that him basically implying that he sees this characteristic as ugly has really hurt my feelings. Although I am glad he has told me.

What do you make of this?
My head is spinning.
I feel like he has never really loved me for me if this is how he feels.
Will any man ever value this characteristic in a future relationship?

Strong independent women who speak up when they find something wrong scare some men. They scared little men like, they want women who smile and nod along.

A friend of mine is very outspoken, she’s clever and self assured. She always fights for truth and values being independent and true to herself. Not to mention she’s slim and very attractive. However, she is now just over 40 and she has never been in a relationship in her whole life. Men seem to run away from her as soon as they get to know her better. I could never get my head around it. Your post sort of makes it all make sense now. Im afraid men that like those above mentioned qualities are few and far between. It’s like … I’ve never felt more attractive then when I was 14 years old. Almost as if men are scared of women and prefer meek nimble creatures… that are easy to manipulate and control 🤔

You'd be fucking bananas to ever think about putting yourself back in this situation. A wise woman once told me it is dangerous to revisit paths we've previously turned away from in life.

Don't put yourself through the hell of that again, and don't do that to your kids either. Clean break and be done with it.

It seems to me that the issue is not your mind set and your way of dealing with the world. Your issue is that this man is an anti-feminist. It that who you want to spend the rest of your life with? I wouldn't.

If he doesn't like your personality why did he marry you? I'm sure that you haven't changed. There is nothing wrong with you. He sounds like is a total manipulative knob.

So why marry her in the first place and why go on dates with a view to getting back together? He's just being a manipulative twat.

So he likes his women seen and not heard, and women daring to use their voices are ‘unattractive’.

Wow.

Tell him to fuck all the way to off.

OP I think you sound awesome! Fuck this misogynist off and find someone who deserves you.

Excellent post

I think you sound great and deserve someone that appreciates you - especially for having values and challenging bad behaviour. Your ex sounds like he's firmly where he should be - in your relationship past.

Fuck him off.

This was in a rural area. So two generations or more back three homes were built on the land as each child grew up more homes were built, more children born. It's a community. The women work hard on the land as well as raising the children. The old men womble off to drink coffee and liquor. The old women care for grandchildren. BUT the women are in charge. Friends were very lucky 20 years ago to be admitted to this area. Haven't been back since covid but we chat a lot it hasn't changed.

loose relative in Milan wow was she in charge, no children, career driven. They've retired to Switzerland now in a place they bought 40 years ago for holidays. She scared me.

Another loose relative in Naples a poorer area was in charge, her husband and children adored her. Her word was law, she worked so hard to care for her family, her parents, husbands parents. She with a soft voice wove them all together. Leukemia took her but not until her children were fully fledged.

I can't see from your updates that you are going to grow closer as you get older. Sometimes people mellow with age but I think you will continue to want to fight injustice and do so vocally. He just doesn't value that in you, in fact he's embarrassed. Move on, carry on coparenting effectively and try to acknowledge qualities you do admire in each other. Twisting yourself into someone he finds attractive is not going to make either of you happy long term. Somebody else will appreciate your values.

Having been through separation I think my outlook is that sometimes love isn’t enough. If your morals and values are different you are both going to struggle which is why you have hit a wall. You don’t need to apologise for being who you are. A partner that loves you enough will accept you.

I agree with the above. It appears he wants you to change into somebody else in order to be acceptable to him. You could waste time trying this but might end up hating who you have become and knowing all along that it is false. Did you make similar demands of him and the things he needs to do to be acceptable to you? Did you insist that he has to agree with your views on what is right and wrong and to be open and communicative at all times? I bet you didn't and I doubt he could or would do these things.

Recommend that you get on and file for divorce and just tell him that he's simply confirmed to you that it isn't going to work. Then enjoy your freedom and be yourself.

Agreed 💯. If you can't either sing from the same hymn sheet or let your other half do their thing, you're doomed.

We've never agreed politically but respect each others viewpoint

Let him go and find the sort of person he's happy with.

Don't change yourself for him, don't let him manipulate you. He's basically saying he wants 'you' but not the 'you' that you are, he wants his version of 'you'.

fuck'im.

sounds like his grass wasn't greener without you but he's trying to create a version of you that suits him better.

Reading your updates, he's a twat. Keep him as an ex an don't look back.

I feel like he has never really loved me for me if this is how he feels.
Maybe not, you're too opinionated and independent of thought for him. Were you married long? Did you marry young? If you found your voice and confidence later in life then he's telling you he doesn't like it. His family don't sound great either. Do not submit yourself to his manipulation.

Will any man ever value this characteristic in a future relationship?
That's perfectly possible but it's true to say plenty of sexist men prefer their women less vocal and more 'mild'. Be your authentic self and don't sell out! There's someone for you who gets you and appreciates your strong values..

'I could love you if you change a fundamental facet of your personality which involves being a smaller person and taking less emotional space' is not really a good starting point for a relationship. Find someone who actually appreciates you.

As people have said, implying that you having opinions and stating them is a bad thing is just a recipe for control - the minute something isn't fair or right and you say so he can hold you to 'But you're being all opinionated again' even when you are totally justified. Not a healthy dynamic - you'd be constantly second guessing yourself and it sounds like that's what he wants.

I think you are lucky he was this honest - he's told you why you shouldn't go back to him.

Fights for truth and justice? What does that actually mean though? Sounds pretty extreme and fawning language.

sounds like a real dream boat, if this doesn’t work out then maybe you could find your next husband in North Korea !

My ex was like this. I am the same way as you. Do not go back to someone who does not love who you are. Especially when you'll also need to deal with his family again too. No chance.
I've been single for 6 years now. Haven't tried to date yet. I am perfectly happy on my own. I'll never accept less again, but if someone decent pops up then I'd consider it. I'm not actively seeking anyone though!

Your position resonates with me. My first DH wanted me to be a traditional DW and look after him and the DC despite my having a professional career of my own equal to his. He squashed me into a smaller and smaller space as he became more successful. I do sport competitively and have a reputation for taking no shit from men who try to bully me in competitions. I am happy to stand against unfairness and tackle sexist or racist behaviour when I see it. After my marriage ended I flourished at work and at home as I grew into myself. I now have a lovely second DH who is proud of me.
You sound like a fabulous person who needs space to grow and blossom. You won’t do that if you get back into the small box your ExH wants you to live in.
Set him free to find a doormat and move on!

Being open, expressive and speaking up about something you think is wrong are wonderful and admirable traits.

It sounds like your values are aligned at all and I don’t think you should compromise this side of yourself for someone else.