He finally told me why he hasn't been able to tell me he loves me...

[Tearroller]

My ex husband of 1 year came over tonight to talk about us potentially getting back together after we recently went on a few dates to see if we could revive our marriage. His request. I was saddened to end my marriage but needed so much more from him: love, sex, affection and commitment- all of which were missing. We have continued to get along and raise our children pretty well as a coparenting team. So, I was open to the discussion.

By the end of the conversation, I just feel so upset. First we both discussed our core values which are quite different in some ways, so we acknowledged that there could be some issues there. I talked about the things I needed from our marriage- all the things that were missing- him telling me he loves me, physical touch etc.

He managed explain for the first time (thankfully but upsettingly) that the reason he has felt unable to love me or be affectionate with me in recent years is because of these values. One of my values is freedom and primarily having the freedom to express myself, my feelings, my thoughts. He told me that he finds this unattractive and that because I am so open and expressive and will speak up about things I feel are wrong it has caused him to feel less attracted to me and unable to tell me he loves me. This value is such a big part of me that him basically implying that he sees this characteristic as ugly has really hurt my feelings. Although I am glad he has told me.

What do you make of this?
My head is spinning.
I feel like he has never really loved me for me if this is how he feels.
Will any man ever value this characteristic in a future relationship?

I think you basically need someone else who shares your values. If you're constantly pushing views he finds difficult then he's going to get be unhappy.

I doubt I'd be happy to be married to someone who pushed ideas I objected to.

Find someone with similar views.

I wouldn’t go back if I was you.

If you're that kind of person, OP, you're never going to be everyone's cup of tea. That's okay. You'll find someone who thinks it's amazing and loves you for it, just like your ex will find someone who loves his conflict-avoiding ways. Different strokes and all that. You're just not compatible and that's fine.

Given your update OP, I think I'd leave him as an ex. Don't compromise yourself just to have him back.

Who cares? The marriage is over! Coming over to “share” why he “couldn’t love her” is utterly insulting and besides the point!

I had to have many years of therapy because of his whole family dynamic which was hard to escape from. It has been great to be free of that.

For the love of all that's holy, why on earth are you thinking about getting back with him? He's an arsehole and you're clearly incompatible. He'd be incompatible with anyone with a brain and you really need someone who values your ability to speak up. Unfortunately IME very few men value that, but if you're going to be part of a couple, find one of the rare ones.

Just stop dating him. Stop dancing to his tune. He is a manipulative nightmare who doesn't share your core values. I know it will sound weird, but one of the things that drew me to my partner is that we both obsess about what can and can't be recycled and spend ages working it out and trying to reduce and reuse before we even get to the recycling point. Might seem minor to some people but to me it said that our core values aligned and I couldn't be with anyone where that wasn't the case.

Thanks for this OP.

I don't think he is entirely wrong for finding it all a bit much, he's allowed his red lines too, but you're definitely not wrong to have strong and valid opinions and to express those.

I don't think he's the right man for you. I think you need a man who is more secure in himself and comfortable in his own skin. I think XDH is trying to mould you into something you're not and dampen your spirit in order for him to love you, and you deserve a better relationship that doesn't stifle you.

Re his mother and sisters calling them rude and ignorant really wasn't on. Can't you see that they've been brainwashed. You should pity them

I think you'd be happy with a matriarchal man, so if you ever should be interested the Italians I knew their women were amazing. This was in the Puglia region.

He’d sulk? A grown man sulking!? Forget the rest of his (quite frankly horrible) personality- sulking is just immature and would give me instant ick. He also doesn’t want to say he loves you because you’re too honest and vocal about your feelings? No, most men do not behave like this manchild. Get rid immediately!

There's a reason why he's an ex!! Leave it that way!!

You don't sound compatible. Why on earth are you thinking of getting back with him?

would you describe Italians /Italian families as matriarchal or more equal / less sexist than what you’ve experienced?

My mother’s family is from (southern) Italy and I personally wouldn’t have described the “average” Italian family in that manner…

which is probably why I’ve found your comment so interesting. This isn’t meant to be an attack btw, I’m genuinely curious.

That's a strange take.

What way do you usually express your opinion on everything? I feel it may not be the fact of "openness" itself but perhaps the tonality, choice of words ,etc.
"Openness and honesty" for one person may mean "being rude and picking on every minor thing" for another.

Oh for pity's sake, why on earth would you even consider getting back together with him? You have strong views on issues around feminism that he doesn't agree with - not least because I suspect he's deeply misogynist. You don't get on with his family. He used to sulk when he didn't get his own way. You felt unloved.

Just keep this one in the past and stick to co-parenting.

Having read your replies, with some detail about how you are passionate about these sort of things, I do tend to agree with your husband. I dont find the traits of opinionated complainer type people attractive and your specific examples wouldnt gel with me either. I hate all this social media over sharing, calling people out etc. Its just not for me.

Thats not to say you are wrong in what you are doing or are anything other than a lovely person, but I just dont like that type of thing and wouldn't want to live with someone who was like it as I find is exhausting.

I dont think either of you are wrong, just not compatible with each other.

OP, please ignore these posters who are telling you you don't have th right to these opinions or to state them.

It's perfectly fine for a relationship not to work out because your partner doesn't share them, but you're allowed to think and feel what you like, and campaign for whatever issue you are most interested in.

OP- THANK YOU! its great that you clarified what you meant by freedom of expression as its so hard to know otherwise. A lot of posters never do and just leave the thread, leaving everyone wondering what they meant.

From what you've said, I agree 100% with you. You are better off without him. I am a little surprised you would even consider getting back with him on this basis as it sounds like you've finally come into your own and he is a bit of a dickhead TBH.

I think it's wonderful that you are standing up for what you believe in, and not in a bulldozing manner. Sounds like you've found a great balance of being assertive which is neither aggressively OTT nor passive. I admire you for finding your voice.

From what you've said, it sounds like you two are deeply incompatible and he is being very childish and unreasonable. You deserve so much better and if I was you, I'd leave this relationship well in the past, move on, and find someone better who shares your passion for the issues you mention.

I wish you all the best and I hope you find someone better x

yeah , hes not the one for you. Please dont stop standing up for yourself

You're fundamentally incompatible. At least you know now and do not need to take these dates any further.

Thanks for the clarification @Tearroller . In that case it sounds like you are much better off without your husband (and some other people) in your life. I hope you have people who do share your world view and who can support you in real life. Social media is a tricky one. I have muted some friends and family sometimes, not because I don't like them or even disagree with them but just because I'm not particularly interested in what they keep posting about.

OP, you say your follow Zawn. What do you think she would say about all this?

What do you make of this?

I believe that your ex is influenced by the men’s rights movement. He has come to you to give you the opportunity to submit to his requirements. He has explained to you that you are inadequate and your needs are inappropriate. Who you are is what puts him off loving you. This is extreme manipulation and emotional abuse. Of course you feel disturbed by it – that was his intention.

Be glad he is your ex. There is nothing in this man worth fighting for. Keep up your strong feminist position. Don’t have him back – he has shown you who he is – believe him.

You sound wonderful. Don't bend yourself for a man. Find someone who (doesn't necessarily agree with you) but doesn't want to quash you either.

“Stay silent and suppress your needs. Only my needs matter- if you don’t obey this I won’t be attracted to you…have we got a deal? So basically I can control & manipulate you and you won’t speak up about anything because we will have struck this deal and you will stick to it because of course you won’t want me to be…..dern dern derrrrn..,,not attracted…to you?
Deal?

Fuck him riiiight off. What an abusive manipulative toxic wanker! The fucking cheek if it. And if nothing else ut just shows he simply doesn’t care about your feelings & needs in the slightest.

OP thankfully you are out of this marriage - stay out if it or all the things you say you believe in won’t really be true. Live by your values and have no more thoughts of getting back with this man, who is the opposite of all you value.