Why do ppl take issue with Stay at Home Mothers?

[Thefirstime]

one child, stay at home parent, child now school age.. choosing not to go back to work right now but look after my family/food/house/clean..look after myself too (which went right out the window)

I had PND and anxiety so am recovering.. still have wobbles..

why do people take issue with SAH parents? I do not earn right now but what has that to do with anyone..

really negative responses from family and old friends on my current living situation it sucks..

Jealousy and sometimes because they worry they’ve made the wrong choice by staying at work, so perhaps a bit of guilt in there.

It's much easier to have one parent at home when you have children. (See one of the many threads on here where panicked parents have to pick up sick child from nursery, school, etc, or leave an older child at home because they just can't take any more time off work without their employer being seriously unimpressed.)

Not everyone can afford to have one parent at home these days, I get that. But it would be ideal (fighting about which of the two parents it would be SAH is a whole different story,)

In my household, I was happy to stay at home till the kids were 3+ and in preschool and only worked part-time thereafter. We could afford it, no benefits involved (for those of you who love to leap in). It was how DH and I had envisaged family life would be when we married, and we were (and are) happy.

I never even knew it was considered such a terrible, regressive thing till MN!

And?

In any case I protect myself as best I can as a SAHM. I have my own pot of savings, have my DH pay into my pension, have joint access to all of the money and financial info, jointly own the house, have critical illness and death in service and income protection on DH. Yes there's a risk we may one day divorce but I'm not going to be miserable to try and mitigate that risk, life is too short.

We made a joint decision that one of us would be a SAHP and we feel it makes family life a lot less stressful. I have always found fulfilment outside work whereas DH finds it in work so that was that really.

I never even knew it was considered such a terrible, regressive thing till MN!

Its not by the majority, some like to genuinely warn of the pitfalls but its just a tiny portion of people who feel the need to be awful to others and make nasty incorrect generalisation to get their kicks. Im not sure anyone respects their opinions.

On the whole, people understand not everyone is the same and everyones choice is valid.

I only have an issue with them describing themselves as ‘full time mummies’.
Mums who work are full time mothers too, you’re not having a nice little break from your parenting responsibilities when you work.

@LadyNijo i was a psychologist. I have a good career and good income. But always hated my job. I’m not happy. If the household income more than enough. Why would i want to live unhappy life?. I trust my DH, he share everything. All of his income straight goes to join account and i can do whatever i want with it. I cant speak about any other sahm out there, but in my circle i can tell its jealousy. Lots of my friend talk about me behind my back about what i have and what i bought despite i’m not working and bought it with DH money.

Interesting to see people automatically assume all SAHMs are being "kept".

The reality is you have no idea of people's finances and what they might have done to prioritise staying at home one day.

I started a long post about my own circumstances and deleted it because it seemed boasty and irrelevant but all I will say is some people have built up savings, have their own properties bought prior to marriage, invested, have passive streams of income, paid mortgages off, "side hustles" etc.

As it stands, I've enough saved to realistically afford to SAH for 5 years with no contribution from anyone else, man or government. I'm single and started preparing 7 years ago I might have to adopt alone, an a year's adoption leave is a requirement so I knew I needed to start building up funds, prioritising, finding income streams etc (no, not Only Fans).

If I was married...I'm guessing everyone would be thinking I was "living off my husband".

But you never know what the reality is. I'm not the only woman who has saved and planned.

I SAH, i have worked FT, PT, had a nanny, used nursery. All have their pros and cons - i will go back one day. It's the right choice for the situation I'm in, whereas I had envisioned working FT before DC!

Do you like being a SAHM?

If you do - who cares what people think.

I’ve met SAHMs that have loved it, got bored after a few years then began working.

I’ve met working parents that hate their jobs. Then go part time or decide to become SAHM if able.

I don’t think it matters what you do, but your opinion of yourself is all that matters.

I love being a working mum and was judged for that - but I really don’t care as I’ve enjoyed motherhood, I’ve enjoyed work (fortunately) and I’ve been in positions where I’ve reduced hours to be at home longer.

People just need to mind their business and find their own happiness.

Being a mum always comes with judgement.

Some people can only build an identity by hating everything they are not.

Again for me it is the complaining not whether a SAHM or a working one, pick your choice and stop complaining about it, I dont mean on this thread but how many SAHM complain they have no money, their partner is useless then runs of with their girlfirend so they have to support themselves, or I work so I go on about 'mummy guilt'

Just own your decision and get on with it

Maybe it's not luck. Maybe she just made better choices than you.

Alot of what happens in life is to do with luck. You could make a 'better choice' of husband. Some who can afford and his happy to carry the financial burden and something could happen that means he can no longer do this. Or he could turn out to be abusive, but only show that once you have a child and given up work. Or he could be lovely but finds carrying the financial burden, unexpectedly stressful and not want to do it.

I have a career. I earn well. Over twice as much as I did 6 years ago. I have worked hard. Made good choices. But much of it is down to luck. I am lucky the company decided to give shares as part of an incentive scheme a year after I started. I am lucky the company has undergone a huge transformation that's opened numerous doors. Lucky that my new boss is at the top of the industry and opened more doors. Non of this could have been predicted when I joined 6 years ago.

On the other hand, I am a single parent. I was married for 15 years. For 13, happily. Unfortunately my exhusband had a massive mental health crisis that he hasn't recovered from. Became quite dangerous and isn't involved with the kids at all now. I couldn't have predicted that when we married. He wasn't a poor choice of husband. There's no history of poor mental health in his family no way to predict it. It is what it is. I think if someone wants tp be a sahp and they can and it works for their family they should definitely do it. But I am lucky that I didn't decide to be a sahm when we had our first. Again, luck. Not better choices. If someone was in the same position I was with my husband, but chose to be a sahm and found themselves in difficult circumstances. Wouldn't enter my head to say 'hmm I just made better choices'.

All of the above have a huge helping of luck involved.

My only concern is for any woman who throws away her career to be a SAHP. So many marriages fail and the man has been happily forging his way with his career, whilst she supports him. Then, when if all goes wrong, she is left with looking for a job which will no doubt pay far her less than he earns. Then there’s the pension situation.

I’ve been a SAHM. My dh provided for his family whilst I took care of our dc. Many people questioned how I could afford to stay at home. Once all our D.C. were in school I got a full time job and a child minder to take and collect them from school. Many people questioned why I chose to not
be a “proper” mother to my D.C. and be on hand to collect them from school if they were ill, watch school concerts and all the rest of it….

Ignore the nay sayers OP. Whatever you do won’t be right for all. If you are not claiming benefits as a single mother whilst churning out a baby every year by your partner who doesn’t, officially, live with you then you are doing nothing wrong.

It makes me laugh when people say a SAHM wife is living on the back of their husbands wage. They are usually the very people who are single mothers living on the back of the taxpayer - yet they see nothing wrong with that.

When I was growing up it was common for dads to work and mums to stay home and look after the children. Now everyone seems to think the government is responsible for providing for their children whilst their parents choose to live apart. It’s become common for parents to not take responsibility for their life style choices now but feel they are entitled to a house and substantial money per month.

It’s sad that all SAHM mothers are now tarred with the same brush as the “can work, won’t work because benefits pay me stay at home” brigade that has recently become the norm.

It can’t last.

SAHM... makes you vulnerable as you're dependent on someone else.

I think sometimes people ask questions out of curiosity, and they aren't meant personally - eg asking if you work/when you are going back - for me that wouldn't be judgey or unkind - just someone discussing life in general. I went back to work when mine was 6 months and got a lot of 'oh no that's really sad, could you not afford longer?' Comments. The fact was that we could not afford longer, but we weren't desperately unhappy with the situation and had worked our own choices and circumstances, and we were comfortable with them. Should people have commented or made an assumption? Perhaps not - but I think people sometimes view their way as 'best' or want to justify their own choices. I got lots of comments on going back to work at all before mine was at school from my family members - not awful comments - but when discussing the plan things like 'that's what we all say, that we will go back to work! But once you have and love your child you won't!' - at the time that felt horrible as the reality was we wouldn't be able to keep our home if not both working, and I felt my mental health needed me to work also! However I think it was really them reflecting on their own decisions - all/most were SAHM and gave up careers, so that is what seems the 'right' path for them.

Always believe in your choices, it's your family, and long in the future remember when others choose differently to not comment! Chances are most the people commenting had comments themselves so always feel the need to 'over justify' what they did. Long as child is cared for, loved, fed, watered, it is no one's business what working situations the parents are/aren't in

Good luck and congrats!

We know a family where the mum was a SAHM for both children and has remained ever since.

Do you assume that mothers who are in paid work only go to work in addition to those things? Either sounds like a boring life for anyone. People need to use their imaginations more if their life is that boring.

I'd go mad if my life only consisted of cooking and cleaning, maybe the gym, (and possibly paid work on top of it).

Sometimes it's not a choice though. I was just starting to build my own career to a high level after being a SAHM when I was forced home by a child who developed a serious medical condition. That's not going away in a hurry.

Recently I was thinking maybe I could start a few hours again but events yesterday reminded me that no, that would be the wrong choice. So that's on the back burner again.

I do have the assurance that I could get back into well paid work if I did have to though. The one who would pay the price with the changes that would being would be my child though, and I'm not choosing that for them. I do like to know I have the ability to support myself though.

I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever actually go back though. That's not how my life seems to be panning out.

I'm far from bored though. It's a different life but I'm creative enough to find ways to make it interesting and fun.

I am one and regret it in many ways. It has allowed husband to have a great career and earn very highly and if we split financially I would be fine. I reap the benefits of this now with travel etc.. Circumstances would have made it extremely difficult for me to work with one child’s issues. However I feel I have missed out on so many things. My daughters are studying very academic and potentially lucrative degrees and I have emphasised the importance of working and being a mum if they can manage it in future, for their own enjoyment more than anything else.

I'll be honest. I do feel a bit judgemental about SAHMs. The reason is that I don't think they are being very smart. They are voluntarily putting themselves in a very vulnerable position. I know their DH loves them, would never leave them etc.. but just look at some threads on here, unfortunately happens all the time.
The other thing is that I think it must be incredibly stressful to solely provide for the whole family. I would feel very resentful if it was me.
Also, not the best role modelling for kids, especially daughters.

I don't think simply asking those questions are judgements. Could they be making conversation?

I know I've asked those questions before but never with any malice intended and I certainly don't judge SAHP. I think everyone should chose what works for them.

My youngest DD starts school this year and I've been asked many times if I'm planning to increase my working hours (I currently do 2 days). The answer is no for similar reasons to yourself. I love the balance of work and time to be a parent/housewife on the other days.

Are you making any provision for a pension, and have you checked where you are with your entitlement to state pension? Can you help your child financially as they become an adult?

For me it wouldn't be just about the here and now but about future job prospects and longer term financial considerations.