Why do ppl take issue with Stay at Home Mothers?

[Thefirstime]

one child, stay at home parent, child now school age.. choosing not to go back to work right now but look after my family/food/house/clean..look after myself too (which went right out the window)

I had PND and anxiety so am recovering.. still have wobbles..

why do people take issue with SAH parents? I do not earn right now but what has that to do with anyone..

really negative responses from family and old friends on my current living situation it sucks..

Ultimately it’s no one’s business of course but fascinating how different situations and genders are judged..

Completely agree

To be honest if I had a good, highly compensated, professional, ‘career’ type job I’d built over the years then I would most certainly be inclined to go back to work at some point but I don’t! I’m retraining now..

On MN it tends to be:

• your DH will leave you for a younger woman and you will left destitute

• only thick, boring women with no interesting thoughts become SAHMs

• SAHMs are lazy

• It is anti feminist to be a SAHM

Take your pick, I've seen them all on here over the years.

@albaalba351 you hit the nail on the head 👏

I think thevnegativity is for a host of reasons, what I will say is that I don't think either side has it easier or better, and I don't think that you should even judge the people who are judging you.
Their beliefs come from somewhere...not all beliefs are based exclusively in what peoples ideal situations are.
I don't know a mother who doesn't feel trapped into their situation, whether it is being a SAHM or a mum who works out of the home.

@Mamaraisedadoughut very good point

Its jealousy. Because not everyone can become a SAHM now. I’m a SAHM. All my kids are back to school now. And i’m not working, i dont wanna. I’m lazy. I rather keep the house clean, cooking and going to the gym. As long as i my DH afford it and we dont take any benefits what so ever, than its fine. We have very healthy household income than why do i bother to work?. Its a jealousy, lots of my friends and family also asking and pushing me back to work. I’m fed up by it so i always tell them i’m lazy. Lol.

@Poppyislost 😂😂 brilliant

Thing is when I was no longer happy in my marriage I was able to leave as I wasn't financially dependent on him. Given the divorce rates I'd have never made myself dependent on someone who might end up resenting me for having to be the sole earner

Haha that's an interesting way to do it! Kinda like it because you can form memories with them now 😊

You're right - people need yo do what's right for them and not care what others think!!

Respectfully, why would you think someone was jealous of someone who is financially dependent and spends her time cooking and cleaning, enlivened only by the gym?

I don't have an issue with them generally and it's really none of my business. However, one I did have an issue with was a woman whose children were at school and she stayed at home blasting her music all day or shouting outside down her phone, which was invariably on speakerphone. I worked from home so was frequently disturbed by her. Absolutely awful piece of work she was, and thick as mince, so no reasoning with her.

They didn't have much money either. They claimed tax credits and her husband was a self employed plumber who did minimal hours. Thankfully they were renting and forced to move as they couldn't afford to buy.

The biggest noise and criticism about women actually comes from other women.
This forum is a living breathing epitaph.

With the one person I know who goes on about SAHM really negatively and horribly,
it's utter jealousy.

Her husband wouldn't let her SAH.

And she has issues with overspending...she wouldn't be willing to reduce the money she spends on luxury items for herself.

None of her kids are at school yet nor are they entitled to free hours. They are forking out an absolute fortune on childcare. It would make sense for stay home and, after years of vitriol towards SAHMs, she's finally admitted she'd like to SAH in a moment of vulnerability. But he wouldn't even let her take her full maternity leave.

If I had kids I'd be staying home. I've got some ideas regarding bringing in an income. Given the level of hate for SAHMs from her, I'm wondering if she'd cut me off.

one child, stay at home parent, child now school age.. choosing not to go back to work right now but look after my family/food/house/clean.

As others have said, what you do doesn't have any effect on those around you. It's your business. And you are right. None of us can do 'right'

However your first post on this thread did make me think 'do you think that those of us who work full or part time time don't do all of that every day that as well?' If I'm being honest.

In all seriousness I kind of think a fundamental part of the issue here is people's complete inability to conceive that maybe, just maybe, others might be fulfilled by different things.

I hate working, I always have. I bloody hated having a job, and, after two degrees, I had a successful professional career that I daresay others would find interesting and fulfilling. But I didn't. I'm happy as a pig in shit at home, looking after my kids and my animals, reading, writing, gardening, making art, cooking, and just generally pottering about. That fulfils me. I recognise it wouldn't fulfil others. That doesn't mean I have to be disparaging about them or say they're jealous.

Because people take issue with everything. I work full time so I have had many comments from my family about my children being neglected. They weren't neglected but I am not at home as much as I would like so I feel bad for them. Maybe the unkind comments are from people who are jealous and wish they could stay at home? That doesn't make the comments ok though. Just enjoy your time at home with the family. No one else's opinion is relevant.

If they are jealous, then fuck them. if its concern, then maybe listen, but overall, do you own thing.

Respectfully, that shows the limitations of your thought processes, if you can’t actually conceive of the ways in which your decision to become economically inactive does not only affect you as an individual,

Is it possible that some of what you’re interpreting as judgement really is just social awkwardness of small talk? I mean the ‘what do you do for work’ questions etc. I have no judgement whatsoever of SAHP but it’s really easy to continue small talk about someone’s job, and less easy to ask follow up questions about parenting and home stuff cos as parents we all know what that entails.

I’ll be honest; but I do privately judge SAHMs. Wouldn’t ever feel I could admit it though as I know it would upset people and so I’m just sharing my feeling as OP did ask….

i am open to considering that it may be in part jealousy and also a large part of thinking it’s naive not to have your own means when divorce, Ill health or death is so common and no one ever thinks it will happen to them until it does; and the idea of maintenance on divorce is no longer a reality either. You might get half of any equity in the house but the courts have got rid of ‘meal ticket for life’ type payments and you’d be expected to get back to work but with that much time out of the market it’ll be slim pickings.

Another big feeling is that all the things SAHMs say they have going on (like mental health stuff or pp recovery) applies to most mothers and the things they say they do for their school aged families is what working parents have to do too on top of their jobs? Cleaning, washing, life admin etc all happens for us too, but we are getting up early or staying up late or scrabbling around in any break that crops up around the working day to get it all done. I can’t think of one thing a SAHM says they do that I’m not expected to also do. It’s hard not to think it’s unfair that some people have time to go to the gym or do those domestic things in a leisurely way.

Finally, it just feels a bit entitled and Princessy to let another person provide for you. Like, why don’t you feel any sense of duty to get out there and contribute ? I don’t know; I just wonder what message it sends your kids about women; also the expectation that ‘all’ the man needs to do is earn and he need not contribute to any of the domestics. It all just feels wrong to me.

I know I sound judgemental. I do feel judgemental about it. So I’m really sorry and I don’t mean to come across badly. Open to being challenged (politely) and having my mind changed….

'Economically inactive' is such a disparaging term for the valuable roles of childcare or being a carer for older folk as a lot of part-time or SAHP also are. I'm not a SAHP as it didn't suit me and I love my work, but if I didn't and I didn't earn a good wage, I would feel no moral duty whatsoever to be economically active in a capitalist society which is designed to tire you out through working longer and longer and make you feel guilty if you stop, rarely for massive benefit for your own family or own communities and often to the benefit of already very wealthy people. If you are economically active as a family unit, that's fine, each person within it doesn't have to contribute in the same way.

I know someone who divorced her husband last year after 20 years of not working and she walked away with the house, 50% of his pension, spousal maintenance and child maintenance too.

I’m a divorce lawyer.