Why do ppl take issue with Stay at Home Mothers?

[Thefirstime]

one child, stay at home parent, child now school age.. choosing not to go back to work right now but look after my family/food/house/clean..look after myself too (which went right out the window)

I had PND and anxiety so am recovering.. still have wobbles..

why do people take issue with SAH parents? I do not earn right now but what has that to do with anyone..

really negative responses from family and old friends on my current living situation it sucks..

People take issue with every type of mum. I was on a work trip last week and was basically asked where my child was. We all have to deal with this crap.

Never had a cleaner in my life and I'm not a member of the gym. I home educate my kids, I look after my animals, I read, I write, I make art, I cook, I do some freelance work and yes - I clean and tidy on occasion although tbh I'm shit at both, I'm quite a messy person.

Most SAHMs I know do similar things; I don't know any who just drink coffee and go to the gym!

there has been a recent (pre budget) thread on AIBU re: keeping salary under 50k by reducing hours from FT in order to retain child benefit, pay less tax but net out about equivalent. Many posters berated the OP for taking public money and minimising her tax payments. It was like the OP was some sort of cash cow with an obligation to society to keep on working to the max. Not working at all is the extreme of this - no contribution to the public purse and sometimes UC to support the family unit. Meanwhile, people who work through choice or necessity have to navigate all the tricky situations mentioned here; wrap around childcare, holiday clubs, lack of personal time, household duties…. I think being a SAHM is a perfectly legitimate choice but take a long view - what’s the route back to employment? What is the situation post retirement? What happens if the partner loses their job, dies or divorces?

Probally for this reason, I wouldnt advise being financally dependent on your husband, thats a form of control. What happens if he leaves, what would you do then for money ?.
Ive been criticised by my so called ex best friend for actully working full time with 3 kids, so its not just SAHMs that get abuse. She accused me of being not very maternal because I choose to work, (I didnt have any choice). It turned out she was jealous of me, because she found staying at home doing house work all day a bit tedious and boring, she had a very small social circle (which was just me), because she wasnt meeting anybody. She was very bitter for this reason.

I wouldnt criticise you for your decision to stay at home, its your choice, but I would advise you not to in the long term.

Exactly. It really annoys me that, im still a full time mum. I still do the exact same things as a SAHM does, plus hold down a job. Im still a mum evan whilst I am in work, I dont stop being 1.

It’s not 25. If you are a couple it’s 50.

I haven’t missed any assemblies or sports day or parents evening. Or meetings. Even a volunteer at various points. Because the advantage of having the career job is I have far greater say over my terms. I wouldn’t go on a school trip. My mum used to and I didn’t like but did want to say. I had that discussion fairly early on with my kids and they didn’t want me to go either. I did put them to bed every night. Kids come out smiling when you pick them up at 4pm as well.

And usually, the women at my level priories their kids far more than men. Which is why some many people think men with a career is the norm. That you can’t do these things.

You keep saying things like ‘it’s not that I don’t want to work’ you don’t need to justify anything.

I think it’s completely your choice but I disagree with the narrative that for the man to have the career and be a decent dad there needs to be a sahp. And if there isn’t life is too busy, people don’t have much time to spend with the family

In my experience it’s always men with the big careers that can’t seem to manage it all or agree terms that suit their families and yet women do. And still thrive in their careers.

I dont find it a sacrifice. You do and that’s ok. You choose to be at home because it suits. But I can’t agree a man with a big career needs it to be a good and engaged parent.

It’s points of view. I don’t squeeze in cooking. I cook when I get in. There’s no squeezing. And using annual leave for family time? All annual leave is family time. Wether there’s a sahp or not. I have never felt the need to reconnect with my child. I never feel not fully connected.

As said, it’s not about whether someone should be a sahp. It’s the line about it being required so men can do well in their careers and be a good parent. And what I was saying is that why men often come across as useless on these threads. Because there’s plenty of women that manage it and also raise happy, confident children who they have a fabulous relationship with.

It all about perspective. I genuinely don’t find working and running a house and raise kids, overwhelming and I appreciate I am lucky in that. I dont find having another adult here a requirement.

Though maybe I can convince my dad to be a stay at home grandad 😂😂😂

I'm not going back to work as such.I had my second baby 8 months ago and it's hard to juggle two kids without any help.On top of that we don't want to high childcare costs. The plan is for me to go back to work when she's 2 which technically is not that long. By staying at home you are supporting your husband so he can support you by providing financially.But I do resent my husband from time to time.Mostly for the fact that having kids costs me more than him.

I was a SAHM for 12 years as I was in a low paid job that wouldn’t have covered childcare fees. Our family income would have been diminished by me carrying on working. I did do some part time jobs and had a small dressmaking business.

However once my DCs were in junior school I did a degree and re-entered full-time work when the eldest started secondary school. I had help with the transition from grandparents with school runs for some days.

I find the black-and-white all-or-nothing attitude irritating. Most parents manage their lives in ways that work for them. Children require different levels of care and supervision at different life stages. Now I’m in a well paid professional job that I enjoy. I’m financially independent and have pensions for my retirement. It can be difficult to imagine things changing when you’re DCs are very young, but as Maureen Lipman famously said ‘You give birth then you teach them to drive’. The years of dependency for most DCs can pass very quickly.

@Alwaystransforming Because the advantage of having the career job is I have far greater say over my terms

that’s a really good point. It’s hard to go into a new job demanding working pattern x,y,z. Much easier to make requests when you have earned some equity in a business and also have a good feel for what is possible for the business. Same goes for getting out for an assembly/activity.

@Muthaofcats I think you have been spending too much time with the top 1% in surrey, home counties and down south, this is certainly not the reality of most SAHMs across the country. I don’t think there is that much time between the school drop off and pick up to do more than clean, cook, food shop, iron, wash and repeat.

SAHM here, ex teacher with an dbs on update if I wanted it. Oh yes really judged - I take nothing and we live off one income - I can’t have what I want now- money doesn’t grow on trees. I work very hard with the children, I work in the family business and my husbands too doing all paperwork - my nearly 2 year old will dip into nursery but only because I think the social aspect is good and she will lead into reception . I sometimes would love to go to work being a Sahm can be lonely and hard.

You are an amazing mum. Happy mother's day 😁

I agree! Wtf was that post?!! Is muthaofcats a male that's been divorced? Because i don't know any SAHM that does nothing.....amd pilates lol. i am fed up with the applauding of men because they work...but the SAHM is slated. Ignorant and misogynistic..

Yes agree divorce lawyers only see a v privileged snapshot as only the wealthy can afford to scrap it out through lawyers…. But all the tasks you just listed, cleaning cooking shopping and washing, these are all things working parents manage to ON TOP of their jobs. And if you aren’t privileged then I understand your desire not to work even less; why would you do your family out of that extra income that could pay for amazing family experiences or enriching clubs etc ?

there’s no need for all or nothing; pretty much every working parent I know still manages to volunteer at school, go to the assemblies, pick up their kid etc.

@Muthaofcats like I said, you have a totally privileged view. The reality is working mums struggle as they are still expected to be the main caregiver. Unless they compromise their career by reducing hours and taking less responsible jobs, the reality is many working mums miss assemblies, don’t have the time to volunteer and don’t pick their kids up…..they rely on a combination of after school clubs, family/friends and other mechanisms. If you are lucky enough to have a senior role earning over £100k, then you are expected to behave like a man in that role i.e. take no responsibility for your kids, work like you have no kids, put the business first etc.

And yes I know, because I have that six figure salary, I do the washing, ironing, bathtimes, bedtimes, shopping without any additional paid help and I’m the main caregiver of a young child. And I'm telling you now I have no time to volunteer, are you kidding me 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️.

I think whatever anyone wants to do is their business. I think the government decided some years ago that it wanted to promote both parents working as this brings in a lot more taxes. Over the years society generally started to then look down at sahm’s. If the earner takes home over £50k there’s no benefits received (rightly) but if two earners bring home £49k each they qualify. Everything is set up to penalise those in that situation so there’s no unfair advantage for the sahm. Do what feels right for you and be proud of what you do.

Thats not true though. You get to go to work and do something else. You pay someone else to look after your child and be responsible for that time. I hate this pretending that working mums are so much better as they do double the work.

Im not of the view that working mums are better, and they don’t do double the work as such but I can’t see how they don’t do more work than a SAHM.

Yes, someone else minds their child during working hours but they still do more work than a SAHM. They have to do what they are required to do by their employers, get their kids fed, washed clothes, homework checked, life admin, hobbies, etc.

A SAHM especially one with kids in school can doing admin & food shopping, laundry etc done during working hours.

I don’t think that making working mothers but I think some SAHM are understandably I think given that they are subject to a lot of why don’t you work over defensive & claim that SAHM mothers do just as much as working others whereas in fact all often all they do is mind their children a few more hours a day.

I think it's jealousy as most women I know would not be able to afford to live on one salary.

I personally would also feel guilty for my husband having all the financial responsibilities and working away every day while I did as I pleased at home while the children were at school!

As a working mother (self employed, own business) who has recently retired at 59 on a pension that is very comfortable I have at times been jealous of some SAHM who were able to attend class assemblies, school events and had the time to do justice to book day costumes etc. But once the children reach senior school most of those opportunities are in the evenings and weekends so they had no advantage. I actually felt quite sorry for most of them who had to fill their day between drop off and pick up. Some had younger children but most had cleaners and other help at home.
I remember my SIL pointing out to me that I had much less housework than she did because no one was at home during the day to make a mess. I did acknowledge that this was true but then realised that I still had the same amount of washing, cooking and admin to do.
I think that working mums are just far better organisers of time and perhaps more laid back. Most admin can be done online in your phone at work during lunch break. I have been grocery shopping online for over 20yrs. Most uniform and clothes shopping is online.

I don’t really understand what you’re trying to say. If you’re working and doing all the domestic load too then of course you don’t have time to volunteer ? Why would a working mother be expected to also volunteer?

Re women in senior roles; often the higher pay that comes with them affords them the ability to pay for wrap around care and lots of these roles are flexible these days.

I do agree working mums have it so much harder because they’re expected to both earn AND do the bulk of the domestic load, but my point is that sahms act like what they do is the equivalent to a job and it just isn’t. If they admitted that it wouldn’t bother me so much.

Yes working mum’s have a really hard job. Never said it’s less work, just agree it’s not double and I don’t like the constant posts about how much better they are and how much harder they work . When you’re a sahm you spend your entire day being a nanny/childminder/nursery for a preschool child. I don’t know about kids who are at school as neither or my two are yet.
Anwyay I have a SEN child. Trust me, being with him all day was much harder than me going to work. And so much less respect even though it really helped him I was there.

I’m think generally people are talking about the most common situations. Obviously having a child with additional needs is different and a lot of work.

Of course you're always a Mum and you'd leave the office if you got a call that your child needed you. You never stop being a Mum, even if your children aren't with you.

The difference is that while you are sitting in the office, I'm taking my kids on nature walks, doing crafts with them, reading to them, educating them, playing with them, taking them to socialise and on trips, and all the other things I couldn't be doing at the same time as being in an office. This is why I chose not to be in the office - because I want to be the one to do these things with them and can't be in two places at once.

I probably do my cleaning at the same time as most mothers who are in offices because I had a mother who was obsessed with cleaning and I think it's better to focus on the kids. I'm home to spend time with the kids, not to clean. If I get that done during the day, bonus.

It's really not the same. I've also sat in an office when the kids got much older, till I was forced home again, and it really isn't the same. If I could be in an office and still accomplish all I do now caring for a sick child, I'd be doing that. But I can't, so I'm home again, just this time not by choice.

Why do people get so het up about one being harder than the other anyway? Surely it totally depends on your individual circumstances.

I found going out to work way harder, that's why I stopped doing it. You don't get a medal of effort for having a difficult life.