Why do ppl take issue with Stay at Home Mothers?

[Thefirstime]

one child, stay at home parent, child now school age.. choosing not to go back to work right now but look after my family/food/house/clean..look after myself too (which went right out the window)

I had PND and anxiety so am recovering.. still have wobbles..

why do people take issue with SAH parents? I do not earn right now but what has that to do with anyone..

really negative responses from family and old friends on my current living situation it sucks..

But some of us are happy to give up the senior roles because we don't want our children in wrap around care. For those who don't mind and find it a necessity to keep their role, then it's good they can afford it. I've always been someone who would choose the lower paying role that gave me the best ability to be there for my kids, over a higher paying one that gave me less family flexibility. A friend of mine went back to work and had her preschooler in care from 8-6 every week day. More power to her but I would never choose that. No criticism to those who do, it's just not what I personally wanted.

Like you said, every situation is different. Probably some aspects of each are harder or easier. Just do what's right for you and be comfortable with it. I think a lot of the debate comes from people feeling they need to justify their choices. They don't.

As long as you are financially covered & I don’t see the issue. Those who are stay at home parents by choice, claiming off the state and moaning they have no money I have an issue with. Those who claim it is a full time job to keep the house etc, when many many parent work full time as well as keep the house etc I also have an issue with. And sorry but those that say they have earned it due to mental health issues need to check their privilege as many of us have no choice to go back to work.. No matter how mentally tough it’s been. No offence, if you can afford it then do it, but don’t brag that it’s a right you’ve earned.. no you are simply lucky you can afford to do that

Oh I feel you. I always get the 'oh bless you, wow I could NEVER do that! I need stimulation, I would die of boredom!'.
It's this fake 'i look up to you' when they're really trying to tell you that you have no ambition and just sit on your bum all day. Like 'i need stimulation'. Really??

Hi, I hear you. It is sometimes hard when we're in the drudgery of everyday kid things, but maybe I can help with perspective a little bit? I get that my husband has more freedom than I as his at work and I'm at home . But if push comes to shove and we sat at the table and I was the one that had 4 or 6 weeks parental leave and had to leave my baby at home, stop breastfeeding and I work everyday, I wouldn't want that if it makes sense? Like if roles were reversed, I wouldn't take it. To let me work for the first 2 years of my child's life and my husband stay home. So I think it's easy to resent but in reality we wouldn't change it. Also the constant mental load of having to provide, the fact that he probably works longer hours than I would. (Thus he has more stress as he works harder and has less time at home, it's a fact that on average women and men who work full time, men work longer hours). Anyway maybe it's different for you but when I start resentment about something, I always try to stop and think 'okay what would you change for that resentment to go away' . If I were resenting him for speaking to me rudely , we could have a conversation about it and it could change. But I don't want to change the childcare arrangements so I try to stop resenting. ❤️

I was a full time working mum in a demanding job with 3 under 3 at the beginning. Got so much grief from a variety of people but especially from DH’s family, had some really horrible and upsetting comments.

Went part time when youngest was 7 and then eventually gave up when we moved from London and then got a whole lot of different grief from different people. Am beyond caring what anyone thinks.

Funny I’m currently being judged by family for not working, I took a career break due to stress.

Not to mind that I’ve always been the higher earner and do 90% of the household admin, my husband works in fiancé and no matter how many conversions we have doesn’t know a thing about his own outgoings.

So feeling I’m being judged by his mother for putting too much pressure on her son
is a lot.

Agree entirely - approach my career in much the same way; but you’re still working. The issue I have is SAHM who don’t understand judgement when they pretend like what they’re doing is hard work or equivalent to a real job given working parents do all that they do on top of their jobs.

You know what, I think you're right. The comment looks like mum shaming and I dislike that.

For those who are in this position, I totally understand that there is little choice. Hey, I had to use some crappy childcare and at times it was because I just needed a break not work.

We're so often projecting our own issues here. Guess who was stuck in childcare for ridiculously long hours as a child 🙋. It really was a hard experience for me and that's obviously where that comment originated.

I am of the feeling that ridiculously long hours in childcare isn't great for kids. The Governments attempts to continually normalise this and the ever increasing work load on women is what frustrates me primarily. There are so often no choices because of the way society now is and I find that really sad. I imagine so many moms are in bits over it.

But that is your opinion. It has absolutely no basis in fact or reality - it is perfectly fine for children to do full days in childcare, provided the setting is good (and I acknowledge not all are in the uk).

there are entire countries where it is absolutely normal for children to be in childcare for full days from 1yo - the much vaunted Nordic countries, for example. A mother staying home with her children would be looked at very suspiciously in those countries.

Plenty of people have the “choice” and choose childcare. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. And for every person like you who didn’t like being in childcare, there are people who felt stifled by SAHMs who made their kids their project.

less judgement please all round!

To feel that ridiculously long hours in childcare, to accommodate long working days is not ideal is far from a judgement. It's of course going to be stressful to a child and to think that isn't the case feels incredibly naive. Yes, as is being stuck with a stifling SAH parent or a neglectful parent is going to be stressful.

It's also going to be stressful for the parents who have little choice in the matter these days. This is the primary point. I don't believe the majority want to be in that position but would prefer a better balance.

There’s nothing “of course” about childcare being stressful for children. That is your feeling about it. Which is fine, but don’t then extrapolate it to everyone else being stressed and unhappy.

I feel you're just reading what you want to because this is somehow triggering you or you personally feel judged. I have never said childcare is an issue.

I will reiterate that my feeling is that 'ridiculously long hours' in childcare aren't ideal and as per my original comment I feel for young kids who have to be there 10 plus hours a day every day. I really feel for the mums who don't want to do that! And if anyone chooses that and is happy then that's also great because they're happy and not feeling judged so there's no problem. They won't be hurt or offended by my comments at all because they will see no truth in it. They won't be triggered will they.

I'm quite confident in that viewpoint and won't apologise to you for that. I certainly don't wish to offend or hurt anyone who feels judged on that viewpoint, including you.

Not triggered at all. But the faux “im not judging I just feel sorry for people in this position” is a little wearying. (As it is indeed in the other direction with sahms being head tilted as being boring / financially dependent etc.) You can be perfectly
comfortable in your own decisions and still roll your eyes when someone comes at you to tell
you how they feel your situation is not ideal and stressful.

No, I don't accept that suggestion. It isn't ' faux'. I have made a multitude of parenting decisions that one may see as not ideal.; some where there was little choice, others I wanted to.

My child was in a pretty rubbish nursery for ridiculously long hours whilst I worked a very demanding job as a single parent. Do I feel sad about that for me and him? Yes I do. Was it ideal? No, I don't believe it was. If someone suggests it wasn't ideal for him nor me and feels sorry for those kids like mine, do I agree? Yes I do. But I won't beat myself up over it nor feel judged.

I have also been a SAHM and you hit the nail on the head ref stifling. I've done that at times also. Do I feel judged about that? No. But your point is right, SAHM situations can also be less than ideal.

I really dislike the system we have wherein there's little choice but to work yourself to death and have the little ones in childcare all day every day. As I myself have also done. I absolutely do feel for those kids and I have been a parent putting my child in that position.

Probably a mixture of jealousy and concern OP. Many working parents would love the ability to be a SAH parent but just don’t have the financial means to do it. Secondly, perhaps a concern for you if things were to go tits up between you and your husband and how you’d fare financially.

I say do what makes you happy OP, obviously protect yourself in the best way that you can financially but your health and happiness is a priority.

@Mumkins42

this…

“I really dislike the system we have wherein there's little choice but to work yourself to death and have the little ones in childcare all day every day”

VERY true! modern day society isn’t set up well for mothers in general whether you stay at home or work, we’re screwed either way!!

I think you are projecting massively @Mumkins42 . You really don’t need to feel sorry for other people. But I am sorry you feel you weren’t able to make the choices you wanted for you and your kids. I’m sure they recognise all the brilliant things you did for them - not least working to keep them safe and fed and clothed.

Yes definitely to some extent. Why are so many on here commenting so passionately like you and I if projection and triggering isn't coming into play.

I sadly will always feel a bit sorry for little ones I see crying wanting their parents, particularly when they're stuck there day in day out for whatever reason.

That's kind, thankyou. Fortunately I know I'm a good enough mum despite all my choices. I hope all mums on here feel the same in that regard despite the choices they have to make ❤️

I don't know anyone who has issue with SAHM. If it works for you. That's great!
Each to their own. As long as your work is viewed as equal
To Your partner and you are treated equally with housework, financially , raising your child, what's the issue ?
Perhaps jealousy ?
I work full time for me but now, as a divorced woman, for
My
Kids and me . It is my therapy. I'd rather eat my elbow than stay at home all
Day long. Not
For me as I need my
Financial
Independence and professional integrity . It's v important to me and always was . I also
Want to be a role model to my daughter in case they ever get shafted as I did , enabling my exh to
Educate himself
And to
Clinb the ladder for
Twenty years , for him
To
Fuck
Off out of the blue.

I think as long as your husband doesn't come home, wipe his brow and say how tired and stressed he is to
Absolve himself of raising his kids and all the drudgery that comes 24/7 and fucks off cycling/ drinking/ golfing ... delete as appropriate on a sat and sun, youve nothing to worry about !