Why do ppl take issue with Stay at Home Mothers?

[Thefirstime]

one child, stay at home parent, child now school age.. choosing not to go back to work right now but look after my family/food/house/clean..look after myself too (which went right out the window)

I had PND and anxiety so am recovering.. still have wobbles..

why do people take issue with SAH parents? I do not earn right now but what has that to do with anyone..

really negative responses from family and old friends on my current living situation it sucks..

"People" take issue with mothers. It's misogyny, women can't get anything right. If you worked you'd be accused of prioritising yourself/career/money over your family.

I imagine that poster’s point is that how the OP describes herself is likely to have an affect on how other people respond to her.

I echo another poster — are you sure you’re not mistaking criticism for concern?

Personally I think it’s almost always a poor choice, but I don’t feel the need to share the opinion.

I have been a SAHM at a couple of points in my life. DS1 is autistic and, when he was younger, I had to be available to collect him from school at a moment's notice or attend a meeting. There was absolutely no childcare or wrap around care for children with special needs back then. I still got the comments though, I was even called selfish for putting the burden of earning on to DH.

I work full time now & have done for many years. Youngest DC is 12. I have always done whatever is best for me & my family at any given time. It's nobody's else's business but it doesn't stop the comments.

That said I've also been criticised for working full time with a young child. It seems as though the expected default for a woman with children is a part time job earning a full time wage 🤔.

Welcome to being a woman.
Everything you do is wrong.
Even if you do the exact opposite of what you did wrong the last time you were wrong - you're still wrong.

Oh people take issue with everything- when I became a sahm I got the ‘well for some, I’d do that but we can’t afford it (even though I left work because it was costing us money), I’d do it but I’d feel like a kept woman … the best was me standing with dh and a woman said well I’m off to work, some of us have to work to pay the bills, don’t we? (Aimed at dh).

When I returned to work family said ‘that’s crazy, you know we can’t help with childcare don’t you?’ Others said: working weekends too? The kids will never see you both together, the poor things. Oh and the lady who made the bills comment said ‘ your poor kids, school all day then having to go to a stranger’s house.

op you will never ever win!! Best of luck with it, if it works for your family so be it!!!

I imagine that poster’s point is that how the OP describes herself is likely to have an affect on how other people respond to her

That's the bit I don't understand, why would it bother you how she referred to herself ?
Why would you care enough for it to affect how you respond to her?

this^
Whatever people are saying here that they don’t care or have no interest in your circumstances but in real life they do judge and take issues with you being SAHP straight away.
And they assume that if you are SAHP you sit on your arse eating biscuits all day.

I dont until they complain 'we have split I have 4 kids under 4 have not worked in years and have no income what do I do I am totally reliant on another adult'

We are married, yes I am financially dependent on Husband..

People are busybodies and will always look what to gossip for. My elderly neighbour was thinking how we make it with my husband ( humble looking accommodation ) but husband does fine, so quite a bit of cash leftovers and even so I do not spend much because I am not into that. She asked me do I work. She is lovely lady and it never bothered me. I just replied forgot what now and anyway, moved on

Because if the OP says something like ‘I’m someone who’s far easily bored, I just couldn’t do you type of job’ or ‘I made the decision to be a proper mum, I wouldn’t have time to work like you do and focus properly on our child’ then her her description of herself is in turn a put down and would probably tick the woman she was talking to right off. I’d certainly respond to her nonsense.

It's jealousy, speaking from experience.
Being very honest here, in my 20s and 30s I hated my stressful corporate job and was wildly jealous and judgy about mums who stayed home with their kids.

Now I'm at home having had 4 lovely (but hard) years off and finding it impossible to get back into even a minimum wage job. And I'm the one who is judged. Feel like karma has definitely come to bite me on the bum for being a dick in my 20s!

I wouldn't take issue with it exactly. Zero issue with it when young children are involved.

Once kids are at school, I guess I can't understand how anyone could find it fulfilling to spend their time cleaning, cooking, shipping kids about etc. It seems very old fashioned and as if you're sacrificing your ability to achieve in order to support husband and kids. I also think kids with SAHM grow up thinking women's role in life is mainly domestic.

Being financially dependent is your choice - but perhaps they’re concerned for your future. Are your pension contributions continuing as a household expense for example?

Because we are conditioned to feel like we have to do it all so anything that's not that we fear it.

Children require a lot of looking after. Without someone doing that, our children would come to serious harm or die. If someone does that well we can instead have well-nurtured, secure children who grow up to be well-balanced, fully functioning adults (barring severe disabilities etc of course).

It always amazes me that some people think it's odd that the mother - the person who actually grew the child and gave birth to it (mostly, anyway) would want to fulfil that role. A role that human women on all cultures have traditionally done and which is also performed by most females in mammalian species.

Personally, I'd have hated it and was lucky enough to be able to afford a wonderful CM who did the day-to-day play/development much better than I ever could and left me free to enjoy them much more because I wasn't worn down by the daily grind and wanted to carry on with my career. She is an awesome woman who I admire enormously. I am also enormously grateful that we live in a society where I am not fully defined by the biological characteristics of my sex and had the choice.

Yes, SAHMs are undoubtedly more vulnerable in many ways, but there's nothing wrong in their decision to want to SAH. What needs to change is how society views the role of SAHMs and how much value it places on it. If it was valued as it should be and those who perform it were protected as they should be, then it would be a valuable choice.

The WOH v SAH debate is a false debate designed to get women to question and justify their own choices. That's why it often stokes such strong feelings. Women are effectively encouraged to think 'if you chose something different to me you are effectively saying what I did was wrong.' All of which detracts women from realising these things are just 2 sides of the same coin and they should demand more from society.

There is concern about vulnerability for SAHP.

It makes it harder to leave if there is abuse. It makes it harder to get back on your feet if tragedy strikes. There are ways to mitigate the risk of being a SAHP and every person who takes a career break would be wise to consider things like marriage, pensions, savings, updating training, and keeping current on career related certifications.

Because it can make you financially dependent on your partner and make you vulnerable

Then take issue with the circumstances that create that problem and how women can make better choices for their own situation. It's not 'being a SAHM' itself that is the problem here though.

This might be the issue OP. Most women think it won't happen to them but divorce is an option for every marriage. Being financially dependent is always a risk and that's maybe what people are concerned about.

I’ve had so many ppl ask ‘do you work?’ ‘When are you going back to work?’

some I do t know well.. ppl love to compare which sucks..

I agree about vulnerability but that’s different in each situation..

Because if the OP says something like ‘I’m someone who’s far easily bored, I just couldn’t do you type of job’ or ‘I made the decision to be a proper mum, I wouldn’t have time to work like you do and focus properly on our child’ then her her description of herself is in turn a put down and would probably tick the woman she was talking to right off. I’d certainly respond to her nonsense

But that isn't "how" they describe themselves, that is a reason "why" they are doing it, so not what was being talked about.
I was asking why on earth it would bother anyone how someone refers to themselves.

I'm not sure you would come across many people who would say those things unless their choices were already being attacked or challenged. Most people who talk in real life face to face, really don't care enough to even go into that conversation.

And if/when you do go back to work, people will start to ask, "Where are your kids when you're working? Who's taking care of them?" (My DH has never been asked this, I got asked it all the time). As a mother, you're always wrong.

My 100% honest feeling is that as long as your family are getting by and bringing in enough to pay the bills, it doesn't matter which parent it comes from.

My only issues are those who stay at home to be lazy - for example someone I know was a SAHM until the kids were 16 and 18, plus she didn't even do the housework as husband paid for a cleaner and washing/ironing service.

Doesn't matter a fig to me, I'm not the one asking the original question. Why does it matter to you?

Doesn’t matter what you do. People will have an issuex

i have a senior job and was told by a consultant who joined that I couldn’t possibly be a good mother and have a carer and I should really pick. She was a dick and was lost the contract.

But it’s not the first time people, usually (but not always) women seem to have an issue.

Some people just have issues with whatever anyone else does.