Why do ppl take issue with Stay at Home Mothers?

[Thefirstime]

one child, stay at home parent, child now school age.. choosing not to go back to work right now but look after my family/food/house/clean..look after myself too (which went right out the window)

I had PND and anxiety so am recovering.. still have wobbles..

why do people take issue with SAH parents? I do not earn right now but what has that to do with anyone..

really negative responses from family and old friends on my current living situation it sucks..

depends if there's a household income.

I'm all about being responsible for yourself so I'd perhaps judge someone who has multiple kids knowing they don't have the cash to fund them. Not fair on the kids or the taxpayer.

What better job though than being at home with your children? I'd do it in a heartbeat if we had another.

I would hope to model to my daughters that they can make whatever choices are right for them, that they can think outside the box, go against the grain of how society tells them they should live (as long as it's sensible) and make unconventional choices if they want to. (My sons too). I also hope to model to them that judgemental people have the problem and they shouldn't worry about them. I think judgemental people aren't secure in their own choices. I want them to march to their own tune. I've also told them it is smart to make sure they are always able to support themselves if they need to and the risks of not doing so. I'd be disappointed for them if they ran themselves ragged all week in the pursuit of money and were too tired to enjoy their weekends.

Yep, completely agree.
What the OP is role modelling is being financially dependent on her DH, though. Not a smart move in my opinion.

I am financially dependent on my DH, currently through circumstances with a seriously ill child, which is likely to last many years. However, it is possible to maintain your employability and be a SAHM. I could get a job easily if I needed to.

@Poppyislost “fundamental part of the issue here is people's complete inability to conceive that maybe, just maybe, others might be fulfilled by different things”

AbsoLutely!!

My partner died before our child was school aged. Neither of us chose that. Maybe try to be a little more understanding of what could have happened in people's lives?

I agree with this.

I couldn't have been a SAHM - I hated it I fact!

But I have a friend who didn't work a day after the children were born and her children are now in their 20s. Financially, they didn't need to and it suited the family better that way.

I think it's reasonable to be concerned about women who've made that choice when financial planning hasn't been considered or they're financially vulnerable. I think some women don't understand the longer term implications or naively trust that their relationship will last forever and then find themselves in dire straits later on.

But, otherwise, I don't really care what other choices people makes their lives and don't really understand if people.have found a way to be happy in life - good for them!

Meow.

It only seems to be an issue on here, and I agree that it comes across as jealousy. I have read so many nasty posts and threads about SAHM over the years. Are people really that concerned for the financial independence of women that they don’t know? I doubt it.

The same as all the nasty posts towards people who say they earn a very good salary - it’s jealousy. These people are financially independent. You can’t win on here!

In any case, many women are still not financially independent even working full time. I certainly wasn’t - my full time salary would only just cover the mortgage, and none of the other bills. My DH earns enough to pay for everything and more, and I enjoy being a SAHM - so why not? It might not suit some people - I know plenty of people who couldn’t wait to get back to work - but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t suit everyone. Why judge other people? We’re all different, and in different situations.

I found the same after telling people I wouldn't be going back to work for a while.
One friend seemed to think I had the life of Reilly and didn't deserve to do anything nice for myself ever unless I am working (had a short break away)
Another told me that it would be better for myself & kids if I was working as we would get out of the house to socialise etc.
My aunt asked me how I would get back into a job and suggested that maybe I could do a refresher course in my field.
All worrying on my behalf about something I wasn't worried about myself! So frustrating. I would just ignore them op. Definitely agree that there is an amount of jealousy. Maybe they feel that you have extra free time that they would love themselves. They forget about the work that goes into being a sahp

The point about fulfilment is a good one.
I love my DC and spending time with them but I also love my job. It gives me a lot more than just my financial independence. But I guess not everyone loves their job so the question of becoming a SAHP is a bit easier.

And I was a stay at-home Mum because we couldn't afford the childcare ! No family support available so no other option.

Why don't you say "I'm retraining at the moment"

And I have very few friends locally because I am a stay at home Mum.... people hate it and are judgy and opinionated. I am not claiming anything. Husband works v long hours, also away with work . No family close by to help , although kids older now. I'm still at home . Easier for our family.....husband would not be able to work full time if I was working too. It's a partnership. Simple. Judged every day for this. And staying at home with my kids has been harder than any job I've ever had .

My DCs are more or less adults now. I have always worked. When I was growing up (1970s and 1980s), my mum and my friends’ mums were pretty much all SAHM when we were pre-schoolers and then they all went to work (mainly as teachers) as we got older so my model is for mums to work, especially once DCs are older.

My friends have been a mix of SAHMs and WOHMs. In my view, SAHMs and WOHMs bring different but equally important things to the parenting table.

Why should she lie?

This idea is pedalled a lot on here and to me adds to the pressure on women to do the "right" thing when it comes to bringing up a family and working.

In my view, we can largely divide into two buckets:

1. The women who get their career in order and have kids later. If these women chose to stay at home with their children, and for whatever reason they divorced, they could go back to work.

2. The women who aren't career driven, they want to be at home with their kids. If they divorced and needed to work, they would get a job with no barrier to entry, which is probably what they would have done with no kids. There are plenty of these jobs about.

In terms of financial abuse in a marriage, it is remote and doesn't warrant all of the women in the world getting a job and not looking after their own children. This idea to me is crazy.

We make life as difficult as possible for women who want to be at home with their children when it should be encouraged.

What is better than feeling secure in your family unit? Your idea almost casts doubt on that and says "you shouldn't feel secure, just in case"....

I respect and have admiration for any mother. Period.

surely bringing up kids who are well rounded, securely attached human beings is important for future generations and the world/economy also…?

I do have one child only, I know some scoff at that when I say I am a SAHM.. I’ve seen looks and gossip.. ridiculous!

I am genuinely happy at home

I did a low paid part time role that took its toll on our family across 2 years so I left and am so much happier..

Also, just out of pure genuine interest!!

how do working parent/s manage the school holidays?!?

you need a high enough income to utilise school clubs?!?

I also have NO family support as don’t live close enough..

I only know one person who takes issue with SAHMs and I suspect it's partly jealousy - the SAHM her nastiest comments are reserved for has a rich husband, but also massive family wealth so she's not remotely vulnerable, and also does the least housework of anyone we know. (But she's a lovely and very fun person to be around, which is more important to me.)

But this acquaintance is the kind of person who has a cutting comment about literally everyone so I don't think she has an issue with SAHMs specifically.

I wouldn’t judge another woman for her choice now, but I judged my own SAHM as a child and teen. My DM remained a SAHM once I had gone to school and as I got to 9/10 and older I went through a long period of not respecting her very much for not having a job. I didn’t tell her that of course, but I wished she had a career like my friends’ mums did.

As you start to learn about different jobs etc at school, it seemed sad she didn’t have anything apart from me. She is an intelligent woman and it seemed such a waste of potential.

I’m incredibly grateful for the time she spent with me before I started school, but it took a long time for me to understand why a woman would make themselves so dependent on a man long term.

Because women can't do right for doing wrong....

If you're a SAHM then you are lazy, lack independence etc.
If you work full time then you are neglecting your kids etc. We can't win!

If your situation works for you and your family, then just tell everyone else to mind their own business....

Just to stop the new nonsense judgement really.

She shouldn't have to but sometimes you need to play the social interaction game if you are surrounded by judgemental others.

Really interesting thread.

I get it all the time, I know people judge me both in private and to my face. I have one child with cerebral palsy, in mainstream school but still requires a lot of extra time for appointments etc, I worked from home til he was about five but then the physical aspects became too much and I stopped for my health (the lifting when he was younger resulted in chronic regional pain syndrome).

We can afford for me to stay at home, we don't claim child benefit. I do worry about the financial side but I am on the house deeds, I have continued to pay my national insurance, and I have lots of transferable skills and hope to go back to part time working one day.

However that didn't stop my friend the other day from asking in front of a big group of friends "what do you do all day. Don't you get bored?". I've known she thinks like this for years. I just laughed.