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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband beat me up. Help and advice please

365 replies

unmumsyma1 · 05/03/2024 22:19

My husband and I went out on the weekend had a few drinks
Got home had an argument that he started over nothing and he beat me.
Threw me on the floor kicked me, strangled me and smashed my face into the wall and made my nose bleed.

I tried to call the police and my friends but he took my phone so I just went to bed and sobbed and fell asleep

I've ignored him since he is still in the house I don't know what to do... he's saying he remembers nothing and he's cried when he has saw my bruises and cuts and ripped out hair.

I know he has to go I can't even look at him or speak to him or even have the energy to tell him to get out I haven't slept hardly since it happened. My body is black and blue

I'm too ashamed to tell my family or anyone that I've just not done anything and lied about why I called them at that hour, I've just been going to work and carrying on caring for my 2 boys like normal.. (they where not in the house) I feel like I'm in a dream just like I'm just functioning but not really here.

I can't process what has happened at all

What do I do now
I am literally just surviving for my kids and in some kind of limbo I need to snap out of

OP posts:
HollyKnight · 06/03/2024 00:38

The purpose of strangling someone isn't to inflict pain. The purpose is to inflict death. It is attempted murder, not a beating.

Noseybookworm · 06/03/2024 00:39

Please follow the advice on here and tell your mum. Don't worry about breaking down when you see her. Let her put her arms around you and have a good cry. You have been functioning through shock so don't feel ashamed. Your family will support you, you need to report this and get him out of your house. I'm so sorry he did this to you, the shame is his and you have nothing to be embarrassed about 💐

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/03/2024 00:41

I was you once. I was shocked into silence and eventually it became a "thing" that happened once.....except it happened again. And again. and the frequency increased until one night 5.5 years ago he nearly succeeded in strangling me.

The kids were in the house, SS were indeed very involved after that.

Call them while you still have the bruises, it does make a difference believe me. Tell everyone you trust what happened.

Dont feel like you have to hide this, it is HIS shame, not yours.

Edited to remove something that probably isnt helpful.

Dery · 06/03/2024 00:52

“Oh, love. What your boys need more than anything is their mum to be alive. You very nearly weren't. Strangling is incredibly high risk for killing you. And it will escalate. It always escalates. Call the police. Speak to Women's Aid. Get out to your family. But do not stay. Do not let him finish what he started. Do not let him murder you.”

This with bells on. You say you’re not scared of him. You should be. I have worked on about 35 non-molestation order applications for clients and I have rarely heard anything as bad as what he did. He could so easily have killed you or at least caused life-changing injuries. Next time he probably will. Don’t give him that chance. Don’t discuss this with him. Take tomorrow off work, get your stuff together and go. Let your parents help you.

Dweetfidilove · 06/03/2024 00:53

That is a horrific beating and it gets worse each time. Strangling is the most dangerous and can go very wrong, very quickly.

Contact the police and tell your family. Remember they love you and will want to protect you as you would them.

I’m sorry this has happened to you 🫂

Runnerinthenight · 06/03/2024 00:56

Escapingafter50years · 05/03/2024 23:34

You poor thing. This is not your fault. Don't be embarrassed by his behaviour, it isn't your responsibility. You are responsible for how you behave, he is responsible for how he behaves.

I know you want to protect your children and you don't want your eldest to know. However s/he probably knows more than you think, and would be better off being shown that this behaviour is unacceptable, and that you are taking action to protect your children by leaving this despicable thug.

Read up, if you're not feeling too fragile, on Davy Tweed. A former rugby international, he was violently abusive to his wife - and tragically later on he abused his daughters and niece (who took her own life). He ruined lives.
From a news article this week "But his violent outbursts were usually followed by bitter regret when he ended up in floods of tears. He cried and cried and told me how sorry he was. He assured me it would never happen again, but of course it did,” said Margaret.
Later in 1984, Margaret married Tweed in a civil ceremony in Stranraer Registry Office in Scotland.
“Even on the day I got married, my arms were black and blue,” she said."

Abuse thrives in secrecy. You have been, and continue to be, abused horrifically. Please start shouting from the rooftops, tell everyone you can - but get yourself into a physically safe space first. Talk to police, women's aid, whoever. This "man" is a vicious monster who deserves no sympathy from you or your children. His behaviour is beyond unacceptable and you will be doing your children a huge favour if you teach them that no-one should accept abuse. Good luck.

I went to primary school with Davy Tweed. He was a few years older than me. Lauded because he played rugby for Ireland. His younger brother I recall once tried to strangle a classmate.

@unmumsyma1 Please get yourself and your children to a place of safety. Confide in your family, they will support you. Don't give this evil bastard any opportunity to do this to you again. Take care of you x

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/03/2024 01:00

To add to those who said about the strangulation risk (men who have done this are never accepted onto perpetrators programs as they are deemed to be unable to be rehabilitated), its funny isnt it how he was so drunk he cant remember what he did but was sober enough to make sure he didnt touch your face........

He remembers, he knows.

NicholJO · 06/03/2024 01:04

Hi op I'm dv lady I had 17 years of it for the first 2 years it was arguments that I got blamed for.then he started hitting me slapping me punching me.the worst he did was somehow knock me out cold then stamped on my ribs I was in so much pain when I woke up I couldn't look after my children please don't the next me get out now

oakleaffy · 06/03/2024 01:05

unmumsyma1 · 05/03/2024 22:26

He's being so overly nice and trying to wait on me it's making me feel sick

Show quote history

My lovely friend had a violent partner.

We tried to make her see sense, to get out- she refused.
The injuries got worse and worse-

She has disappeared completely now.
No online presence at all.

I sincerely hope this means she was finally able to get away.

She had a DC with this brute and a child from her first relationship-

I just hope she is alive.

Please please get out.

The violence always escalates.

Ignore the tears, the presents, the flowers... Get you and your children out.

oakleaffy · 06/03/2024 01:13

Dery · 06/03/2024 00:52

“Oh, love. What your boys need more than anything is their mum to be alive. You very nearly weren't. Strangling is incredibly high risk for killing you. And it will escalate. It always escalates. Call the police. Speak to Women's Aid. Get out to your family. But do not stay. Do not let him finish what he started. Do not let him murder you.”

This with bells on. You say you’re not scared of him. You should be. I have worked on about 35 non-molestation order applications for clients and I have rarely heard anything as bad as what he did. He could so easily have killed you or at least caused life-changing injuries. Next time he probably will. Don’t give him that chance. Don’t discuss this with him. Take tomorrow off work, get your stuff together and go. Let your parents help you.

@unmumsyma1 You should as Dery says be extremely afraid of this brute.

Your poor children.

They absolutely need their mother alive, not dead.

Strangulation is lethal. He's a clearly very cowardly but dangerous man to target a woman.

Get out - do not give him another chance.

He WILL attack again. They always do.

Mum's friend {very middle class} got out after the tendons on her hand were severed in an attack by her ''charming'' husband.

The defensive scars on her hand will be there for ever, but at least she has her life and her DC {now an adult} is safe.

Her abusive EX now lives in another Country.

ilovebreadsauce · 06/03/2024 01:23

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 06/03/2024 00:07

What a weird comment to make about the kids, how is that helpful? It says in the first post she has kids

Edited
Show quote history

You obviously didn't bother to read my follow up post 🙄

Ohlookwhoitis · 06/03/2024 01:32

ilovebreadsauce · 05/03/2024 23:49

Just read that you do!! And it has been days since the attack.
I am going to be harsh here, but if you want to hang around until next time he feels like beating you up, then that's on you.Those poor kiddies fint have a choice.
I am pretty sure you know that SS would not allow them to be with their dad if they knew.You are colluding in keeping them in a violent home.Puttong them in danger.
If you can't do it for yourself, you have to man up and do ot for your kids.

Imagine saying this to a woman who has just been battered by her husband, her whole world has imploded and you've managed to blame her for having her kids in a violent home. Utterly despicable post.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/03/2024 01:35

Ohlookwhoitis · 06/03/2024 01:32

Imagine saying this to a woman who has just been battered by her husband, her whole world has imploded and you've managed to blame her for having her kids in a violent home. Utterly despicable post.

Show quote history

And as for the use of the phrase "man up" one hopes it was intended to be ironic, but I sadly I dont think it was......

Dylanesque · 06/03/2024 01:42

OP, don't ignore all the good advice about going to the police and Womens Aid. Both were brilliant for my granddaughter who suffered DV from her vile partner. We didn't know about the first two times he put his fist in her face. It was only after she was kicked up and down the street and had cleaning fluid thrown in her face that she broke down and told the family. Womens Aid got her and her 2-year-old daughter a place in a refuge ( a large house where each woman had their own flat) and she now has her own place in another town. The skank is in prison, where he belongs

mathanxiety · 06/03/2024 01:53

Pull yourself together enough to take photos of yourself, and in a day or two, go to the police.

In the meantime, please go to the GP or to A&E so the injuries can be documented.

oakleaffy · 06/03/2024 01:53

Dylanesque · 06/03/2024 01:42

OP, don't ignore all the good advice about going to the police and Womens Aid. Both were brilliant for my granddaughter who suffered DV from her vile partner. We didn't know about the first two times he put his fist in her face. It was only after she was kicked up and down the street and had cleaning fluid thrown in her face that she broke down and told the family. Womens Aid got her and her 2-year-old daughter a place in a refuge ( a large house where each woman had their own flat) and she now has her own place in another town. The skank is in prison, where he belongs

Thank goodness for that.
Awful brute.
I bet he doesn't tell the other inmates he is in for brutalising a woman.

@unmumsyma1 Please get out. Don't wait for the next attack.

mathanxiety · 06/03/2024 01:55

That is, if you haven't already called the police.

Don't listen to posters telling you you can't call the police because you're not being threatened right now. That is nonsense.

What he did was a crime, and you call the police to report the crime.

2021x · 06/03/2024 02:44

Hi OP. I hope you are safe.

This is time for action and defer the learning and reasoning for later.

Tell someone in person and show them your injuries. Their response will give you the strength you need. This is the bravest thing your will do but you will feel at your most vulnerable when you do.

Then just take each day as it comes until you have some sustainable mental strength to deal with everything else.

scaredofff · 06/03/2024 02:47

Email yourself the photos op in case he takes your phone away again

What a fucking bastard. Horrible monster

CockSpadget · 06/03/2024 02:52

It’s never too late to report or tell your family. You need to get him out of yours and your children’s life asap.
With your oldest not being his biologically he will never have to see him again.

MariaVT65 · 06/03/2024 02:59

Please get your mum to help you call the police women’s aid first thing tomorrow Op.

Please stop mulling over it and take action urgently.

Please stop concerning yourself so much with what your kids will think. 12 year olds aren’t stupid, and you need to do this as much for them as for you. He will either end up harming them or leaving them without a mother. He will do this again!

Hope you’re ok and please let us know in the morning that you’ve taken action x

JohnSt1 · 06/03/2024 03:35

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Domestic violence is vile. You'll be protecting your children too when you get help. Save the life of their mother.

thebestinterest · 06/03/2024 03:40

unmumsyma1 · 05/03/2024 22:28

You are right
It's been days now and I just feel so fuckintg ridiculous I didn't get out the house or get him out the next day I just feel
Really really weird and in a dream

I don't even know where to
Start.

So so
Close with my family and it's killing me
I've not told them and I'm like how can I now ???

Show quote history

Easily. You pick up the phone, dial their numbers and tell them. You haven’t told them because you know that once you do there’s no return.

Honestly, OP… next time he could kill You.