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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband beat me up. Help and advice please

365 replies

unmumsyma1 · 05/03/2024 22:19

My husband and I went out on the weekend had a few drinks
Got home had an argument that he started over nothing and he beat me.
Threw me on the floor kicked me, strangled me and smashed my face into the wall and made my nose bleed.

I tried to call the police and my friends but he took my phone so I just went to bed and sobbed and fell asleep

I've ignored him since he is still in the house I don't know what to do... he's saying he remembers nothing and he's cried when he has saw my bruises and cuts and ripped out hair.

I know he has to go I can't even look at him or speak to him or even have the energy to tell him to get out I haven't slept hardly since it happened. My body is black and blue

I'm too ashamed to tell my family or anyone that I've just not done anything and lied about why I called them at that hour, I've just been going to work and carrying on caring for my 2 boys like normal.. (they where not in the house) I feel like I'm in a dream just like I'm just functioning but not really here.

I can't process what has happened at all

What do I do now
I am literally just surviving for my kids and in some kind of limbo I need to snap out of

OP posts:
bluesclues91 · 05/03/2024 23:03

Go to the police now before he murders you.

There's nothing more to discuss. Call them now or leave now and go to a police station.

bluesclues91 · 05/03/2024 23:05

Your my not going to the police you are not protecting your children. You must go.

Social care support you when you safeguard your children from harm. When you don't safeguard them, which you aren't right now, they become concerned.

bluesclues91 · 05/03/2024 23:06

Typos!! * by not going to the police

ButterflyTable · 05/03/2024 23:07

I'm so sorry you're going through this, please report it. Good luck tomorrow.

Cornishclio · 05/03/2024 23:11

You have to report him before he kills you. Tell your family and the police. The longer you leave it the more you are endangering yourself and your children. I would have left immediately. No way could I stay in the same house as him especially as you have family and friends to help.

Dotty87 · 05/03/2024 23:18

I'm so glad to read that you're starting to sound more resolved and are making plans to leave, this man is incredibly dangerous.

It sounds like he's trying to keep you on side with his remorseful act, guilt you into not reporting him while the bruises heal.

He will definitely do it again, and it will be worse, don't give him the chance.

MamaMode · 05/03/2024 23:29

@unmumsyma1 if the children 'were' in the house at the time of the incident then the police have a duty to inform social services.

Check the link below for a better answer for your question.

www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/daa/domestic-abuse/how-to-report-domestic-abuse/#:~:text=Report%20it,in%20danger%2C%20call%20999%20now.

Also OP, as you say your close with your family, I believe it's worth you considering confiding in them to get additional support . I'm really sorry you've had to experience this Xx

Escapingafter50years · 05/03/2024 23:34

You poor thing. This is not your fault. Don't be embarrassed by his behaviour, it isn't your responsibility. You are responsible for how you behave, he is responsible for how he behaves.

I know you want to protect your children and you don't want your eldest to know. However s/he probably knows more than you think, and would be better off being shown that this behaviour is unacceptable, and that you are taking action to protect your children by leaving this despicable thug.

Read up, if you're not feeling too fragile, on Davy Tweed. A former rugby international, he was violently abusive to his wife - and tragically later on he abused his daughters and niece (who took her own life). He ruined lives.
From a news article this week "But his violent outbursts were usually followed by bitter regret when he ended up in floods of tears. He cried and cried and told me how sorry he was. He assured me it would never happen again, but of course it did,” said Margaret.
Later in 1984, Margaret married Tweed in a civil ceremony in Stranraer Registry Office in Scotland.
“Even on the day I got married, my arms were black and blue,” she said."

Abuse thrives in secrecy. You have been, and continue to be, abused horrifically. Please start shouting from the rooftops, tell everyone you can - but get yourself into a physically safe space first. Talk to police, women's aid, whoever. This "man" is a vicious monster who deserves no sympathy from you or your children. His behaviour is beyond unacceptable and you will be doing your children a huge favour if you teach them that no-one should accept abuse. Good luck.

ilovebreadsauce · 05/03/2024 23:39

What do you do? You go to the police now, today!
I hope you don't have kids!

murasaki · 05/03/2024 23:42

Listen to what @ElizaMulvil said. You are brave. You are strong. Your family love you.there is no shame on your part but I worry for your safety, particularly given the strangling . You need to take your kids and leave and figure the rest out later.

ilovebreadsauce · 05/03/2024 23:49

Just read that you do!! And it has been days since the attack.
I am going to be harsh here, but if you want to hang around until next time he feels like beating you up, then that's on you.Those poor kiddies fint have a choice.
I am pretty sure you know that SS would not allow them to be with their dad if they knew.You are colluding in keeping them in a violent home.Puttong them in danger.
If you can't do it for yourself, you have to man up and do ot for your kids.

sprigatito · 05/03/2024 23:55

I can't add much to the amazing advice here, but just wanted to send you a huge hug. Please don't feel ashamed or embarrassed, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. You feel numb and in a dream-state because you're in shock and your mind needs time to process the enormity of what has happened to you. You need to be safe - away from that bastard - and around people you love and can trust. Go to your mum tomorrow, let her look after you. Yes, your life and the children's lives are about to change, but you will be ok, you will be safe and you will get your confidence and your happiness back. This is the hard bit, so take all the support you can get.,FlowersFlowersFlowers

ScabbyHorse · 06/03/2024 00:05

This happened to me 15 years ago and I so bitterly regret not telling the police. It is the right thing to do in this situation. He's committed a crime. Have you read Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That? You can download it free online if you type 'Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That pdf'. It has a lot of useful information about abusive men and what to do. Good luck

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 06/03/2024 00:07

ilovebreadsauce · 05/03/2024 23:39

What do you do? You go to the police now, today!
I hope you don't have kids!

What a weird comment to make about the kids, how is that helpful? It says in the first post she has kids

SwordToFlamethrower · 06/03/2024 00:09

999 now. Please OP. Please call them. Protect yourself and your children

FlamingoFloss · 06/03/2024 00:14

At the moment you have gone into shock. So sorry this happened to you

PizzaPastaWine · 06/03/2024 00:18

SwordToFlamethrower · 06/03/2024 00:09

999 now. Please OP. Please call them. Protect yourself and your children

This is not a 999 call as the is no immediate threat to life/danger st this present time.

Please call 101 or report online first thing tomorrow OP.... previous posters have said they regret not doing this and I can understand why.

Whilst your DM may wipe the floor with him it won't be enough.

Contact Womens Aid too for advice on moving forward.

Good luck.

Londonismyjam · 06/03/2024 00:23

unmumsyma1 · 05/03/2024 22:49

I've decided I'll go and see my mum tomorrow

I feel like she might hunt him down and give him some bruises though

Show quote history

Oh OP, this is awful. Please tell your mum. She will support you - you need that. If you were my daughter I would want to know and I would do everything to help you.

ClairDeLaLune · 06/03/2024 00:25

I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP. Please tell your mum and get her to go with you to the police. Wishing you strength Flowers

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 06/03/2024 00:26

If you really really really think you are SAFE tonight, then yes skip work and go to your mother, whilst at your mother's you phone the police.
You cannot protect your children from this, nor hide it from them.

They will not have you if he kills you next time.

and there will be a next time.

he knows he has committed a crime, that is why he is acting as he is.

you are in shock / disbelief hence feeling like you are in limbo

NOW you need to take charge

make sure your phone etc. has a password on it, make sure you have a password and have to log onto Mumsnet - you do not want him reading this.

Catoo · 06/03/2024 00:27

OP you do need to report this to protect you and your DC.

It’s likely he’ll be arrested and the police get an order to keep him away from you.

If you haven’t read around already this is a nice clear resource: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse/#:~:text=If%20the%20police%20think%20you,the%20home%20and%20contacting%20you.

Please act sooner rather than later while there is still evidence of this attack.

I’m so sorry he did this.
💐

Domestic abuse

Find out what what you can do when you're fleeing from violence in the home, including finding emergency accommodation.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse/#:~:text=If%20the%20police%20think%20you,the%20home%20and%20contacting%20you.

homezookeeper · 06/03/2024 00:29

Please be so careful, women are often most at risk when the partner finds out that they're making plans to leave. Do this as behind his back as possible. Pack when he's left the house, then get you and your kids somewhere safe. You don’t want any chance of him discovering your aim to leave. Just be so careful please. Once you're safe, give a full report to the police. There is no way that this is a one off. This has set a precedent. He will do this again. If not worse. I’m so sorry you're going through this OP Flowers please keep us updated and know that you've got a bunch of women behind you, cheering you on to safety.

tolerable · 06/03/2024 00:32

womans aid/refuge som abuse helpline -any will supprt you.
PLEASE
he doesnt need to remember-they ALWAYS cry.
REgardless of who employs you-confide-for lng nuf they support you call any of 3 i said-they WILL help you.please.do it-you ARE NOT alone.it IS NT your shame. ACT asap.xxxxxxxxxxxxx

PawsisShady · 06/03/2024 00:37

Tell your mum. Or anyone you can

If a neighbour I had never met knocked on my door and asked for help, I would help every time and have done before

Butterfly44 · 06/03/2024 00:37

Must report and have it on record. Especially if leaving. If not, you risk your children being alone with him in visits as he's not perceived to be a threat. And while "nice" now that can quickly change if you take charge of the situation. Wouldn't be surprised if he became bitter and used the kids to get to you.