Husband beat me up. Help and advice please

[unmumsyma1]

My husband and I went out on the weekend had a few drinks
Got home had an argument that he started over nothing and he beat me.
Threw me on the floor kicked me, strangled me and smashed my face into the wall and made my nose bleed.

I tried to call the police and my friends but he took my phone so I just went to bed and sobbed and fell asleep

I've ignored him since he is still in the house I don't know what to do... he's saying he remembers nothing and he's cried when he has saw my bruises and cuts and ripped out hair.

I know he has to go I can't even look at him or speak to him or even have the energy to tell him to get out I haven't slept hardly since it happened. My body is black and blue

I'm too ashamed to tell my family or anyone that I've just not done anything and lied about why I called them at that hour, I've just been going to work and carrying on caring for my 2 boys like normal.. (they where not in the house) I feel like I'm in a dream just like I'm just functioning but not really here.

I can't process what has happened at all

What do I do now
I am literally just surviving for my kids and in some kind of limbo I need to snap out of

Tell your family and tell the police. Police first. Submit all evidence. Don’t look back. He has the capability and he’ll do it again. You’ll be sad and devastated but staying will not help your kids.

Been the kid of a mum who stayed to ‘keep the peace’ and all siblings are dysfunctional adults. We all wish she left. Don’t stay for the status quo. Leave. There is so much help available.

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this. All the best.

By not telling everyone, you're protecting him @unmumsyma1

Your children probably already know because it likely woke them up. They need honesty not to be shielded.

Please call the police. He needs to be arrested and he needs to be told to leave, both will happen. You can then change the locks put up cctv. He won't be able to come back to the house (though he could but the police will arrest him).

SS will only be involved if the police think they are at risk.

I put up with this before, it escalated. It's the hardest thing to do, but the only thing you must do to protect yourself and the kids.

Your mum will say the same thing.

Sending a big hug, you're traumatised, be kind to yourself xxx

I am so sorry - what a shock for you. It’s a very serious assault. Things have changed forever now. The fact your H has not addressed it or handed himself in to the police means there is a worrying chance it will happen again.

I am certain that the adult version of your child would not want the risk of losing their mother and maintaining idolisation won’t help the child in the long term and may lead to an even worse nightmare for them if the assault happens again.

Children are resilient if they have a support structure such as family members and counsellors around them. Please tell your mum and ask for support. It sounds like she loves you very much.

If you wake in the night OP or soon, just send one text to your mum

I’ve been in your position. Please tell someone. I didn’t for a long time and it happened repeatedly. Please don’t make the mistakes I did, you have children so that’s even more of a reason. They need protecting from this. Strangulation takes this to a different level also, in that moment it’s an intent to kill. My ex did this once and that was the night that finally kicked me into action of getting rid. It took me years. Don’t make the same mistakes.

Speaking to social services will be a lot easier on them then either being beaten by their dad or watching him beat you up 🤷‍♀️

Well done for deciding to meet your mum. Maybe also call the police whilst with her. You do need this all on record.

I bet your mum already has her suspicions about him.

Good luck with everything, one step at a time.

Your 12 year old will learn that you don’t tolerate being hit in an argument. Simple. He’ll handle it & respect you for it. If he doesn’t see his Dad in the same light as before then that’s on his Dad, not you.

You deserve to be happy. Bad energy in the house when grown ups are pissed off with each other is far worse than them separating.

You can do it.

It will be much worse for your 12 year old when his dad does this again, and he will. And the chances are that it will be when the children are in the house. You just can't risk that.

Please get to your GP as the first step, then the police.

Your son should know, as he needs to realise he could be in for the next beating and you need to protect him from that not worrying what he bloody thinks about his repulsive dad. I was bought up in a family like that. Get out now before your sons see and experience life at his hands.

I completely understand the freeze response;
It's a freeze like state you're in. I was the same when I found out some awful things about my husband. And you feel stuck due to the children. It's a truly horrible position to be put in.

Things will only get worse. What if he does it next time in front of the kids? You were lucky they weren’t there this time. SS will only get involved if you keep a violent man in the house

If he can do this to you he can do it to your boys too. You probably read that and thought "he would never hurt them" but this time last week you thought he wouldn't beat you either. I'm so sorry this has happened to you 💐

Good morning OP. Child of a violent father here. Whatever you do, don't be ashamed. Do tell your mum, the police, the GP, women's aid... and get him away from you. Your children will thank you one day.

Start now, please. Please. Things will get better.

Oh my gosh. He beat you viciously like a dog in the street, but I’m really alarmed that he strangled you, that’s not ‘just’ a beating, he could have killed you.

when I was much younger I lived with a man who was regularly violent, he had the most frightening red mist rages that came from nowhere but of all the shitty things he did, he never strangled me. Not excusing any of the behaviour but I think people that go that far are seriously dangerous.

i know it’s really hard to leave, because when they’re good they’re wonderful but what made it harder to leave is what you are doing now, carrying on as normal & none of your friends & family are aware to support you. When I finally left most of my friends & family took his side initially because I still stayed silent & he was someone they loved & to them it seemed out of the blue & how could I hurt such a great guy.

what you need to think of here is your children, if you stay you run the risk of those babies ending up motherless & fatherless too when he’s locked up.

I am so sorry this happened to you, he’s beneath contempt for what he’s done & he’s a snake for how he’s managing it since. If he was any way sorry he’d leave the family home, seek copious therapy & not be ok with you being isolated with this. Crying doesn’t take back what he did.

Please leave him and report him to the police. It won't be a one off men like him never change.
Once you make that call the police will help and support you. Please keep us updated

Police

If he snapped out of nowhere and did this to you, there’s no saying the same might happen with a child. It’s almost certainly going to happen again to you. Sorry to be so blunt, but I think that’s the bigger picture.

Protecting your children isn’t hiding this from them or hoping it works itself out, it’s dealing with the situation by reporting him and being open with your family.

I’m so angry on your behalf OP. It’s entirely on him, you haven’t done anything wrong and have nothing to be embarrassed about 💐

@unmumsyma1 hi sweetheart, I hope youre feeling physically a bit better today.

You need to go the police and your marriage is over. You can't take him back or he may kill you. It's never ever ever in the history of domestic violence been "a one off".

I did an ama on being a child growing up in a domestic abuse environment and the impact it had and quite honestly continues to have on me.
I hope you find the strength to protect yourself and children from the nightmare that your husband can potentially bestow on you and your dc, please trust me as someone who's past is somewhat harrowing, your children will suffer tenfold by you staying.

Divorced parents are a piss in the ocean to a mother who they dont know will be alive in the morning.

I remember my own mother wearing neckbraces due to strangulation, this was the 90s and she looked battered daily, but my father was extremely apologetic the first time.
Even writing this to you now I'm experiencing flashbacks, not memories, but flashbacks, please, for the sake of your children, don't have this notion that a single parent is worse than a beaten one.

You have to leave, it will be horrific mentally, but you absolutely need to to ensure your beautiful dc grow up with a mum.

Strangulation statistics are the most terrifying and if you dont go the police I'd be worried that if this did happen again he'd try and use the "bit of rough in the bedroom", excuse if you needed hospital treatment or worse, he killed you.

I can't tell you the police will be any use but I can tell you to safeguard your children you should document this and take action in some way. Social services will be wanting to help keep you safe, comply with them. Domestic abuse is child abuse rightfully so, social services will support you, they're actually great in situations where you actively want to protect your children.

I wish I could physically help you in some way, I really do and I'm sending you strength, solidarity & support. Love to you 💐

He's creeping round you because he knows he could find himself in court for what he's done. I won't say 'in prison' because our courts aren't reliable in that respect.
You need the police, and you need women's aid. You need a non-molestation order and whatever else is appropriate.
If you stay, he will kill you. That's not scaremongering. It's a possibility.
Your children need you. Get out.

Make sure you go to your GP tomorrow as well OP and get all of your injuries documented. You will need it for custody.

If you want him to leave and he is refusing, explain that he is giving you no other option but to call the police. You can apply for an occupation order, NCDV will be able to support you with this.
Please get checked out, your risk of stroke is higher if you have been a victim of non fatal strangulation.

Please send those photos to someone in case they get deleted off your phone by someone looking to bury this. Preferably someone who will have your kids absolute best interest at heart.

You will need the proof for next time. And if the next time you don't make it it'll help build a case so that your kids don't end up alone with him without anyone to protect them.

I think you should consider mentally rehearsing what you're going to say so that you definitely end up telling your mum today. What about a back up plan of showing her your original post on your phone, that way you don't have to actually say anything? As others have said, your life may well depend on it so a bit of preparation is a good idea.

Please go to the police today, also contact womens aid. I feel fir you, if you dont do anything this time, next time he might kill you and your kids will be left without a mum x