Husband beat me up. Help and advice please

[unmumsyma1]

My husband and I went out on the weekend had a few drinks
Got home had an argument that he started over nothing and he beat me.
Threw me on the floor kicked me, strangled me and smashed my face into the wall and made my nose bleed.

I tried to call the police and my friends but he took my phone so I just went to bed and sobbed and fell asleep

I've ignored him since he is still in the house I don't know what to do... he's saying he remembers nothing and he's cried when he has saw my bruises and cuts and ripped out hair.

I know he has to go I can't even look at him or speak to him or even have the energy to tell him to get out I haven't slept hardly since it happened. My body is black and blue

I'm too ashamed to tell my family or anyone that I've just not done anything and lied about why I called them at that hour, I've just been going to work and carrying on caring for my 2 boys like normal.. (they where not in the house) I feel like I'm in a dream just like I'm just functioning but not really here.

I can't process what has happened at all

What do I do now
I am literally just surviving for my kids and in some kind of limbo I need to snap out of

@unmumsyma1 I’m not surprised you’re finding it hard, you shouldn’t be having to go through this, nobody should. you’ve been so amazingly brave, we are all behind you xxx

Good Morning @unmumsyma1 You're still in shock and I'm glad to hear you've blocked him and as others have said, once he sees the pleading isn't working the anger will set in, he'll be on the booze, there's always a pattern, he'll blame you and you know that's not true. But you need to be pro active today, GP and Police, just one foot in front of the other and get through it but above all else don't think for one minute this is a one off, it isn't, if he gets away with this now at the back of his mind he'll blame you so the anger he feels will always be bubbling away and the next time there's a 'date' night you might no make it, I don't want to read about you in the papers, neither do your children and mum, stay strong, there's a thin line between hate and love, choose hate for now and get rid of him. We're all always here, I thought of nothing else last night and wish I could be with you giving you strength so I'm sending it virtually X

This makes me so angry……how dare he be making you cry and be making you feel guilty for something he has done.

The blame is all on him and he needs to be punished for what he did to you.

Men always get away with things like this because they play to the woman’s gentle side with their apologies, constant grovelling and selfish tears and it infuriates me.

Any man who was truly sorry would be prepared to face the consequences of what he’s done, not manipulate his parter to get himself off the hook.

Fight against him and do not let him get away with this x

You will feel bad, and feel like a failure as a mother but you are not! You are AMAZING! You are keeping yourself and your kids safe, happy and healthy. I know it doesn't seem like it just now and it will take a while for you to get over the trauma. Just remember you weren't at fault here, he was!

Whatever you do, don't go back to him. Social services will help you and the children as long as you stay strong but they can and will see you as a threat to your children as soon as you enter back into a relationship with that man. Take it from someone with experience and a lot of regret.

Your children will be confused just now but they will benefit from a safer, happier environment in the long run. The age old saying 'staying for the kids' is totally wrong and causes more damage.

Well done for keeping strong OP.

Agree with the two PP saying he’s not genuinely sorry or scared by what he did (or he would have reported himself, be seeking help, leave you alone).

Also that it is time to tell the police. You need to have this logged. You need to be on their radar. As several PP have said, you need to show SS you are prepared to do the right thing by DC.

This was a serious assault. As tempting as it might be to keep it quiet, it needs dealing with properly for everyone involved. You, DC and even H.
💐

It's awful

But you are doing the right thing

Once is more than enough
It gets worse

I forgave and alsmost ended in a grave because of what he Then did to me

So sorry op xxxxxx

@unmumsyma1 if and when you have to have a conversation with him, all that needs saying is
’someone who can do this is not someone we’re safe with’

You need to think about what I'm going to say next.
Right until he beat you up, you thought you were safe with him. Now you know you are not safe with him.
So you also know that your children can't be brought up with him around 24/7. You can't trust him any more.
You might be tempted to stay in the marriage for their sakes, but you won't be doing them any favours. Yes the next days and weeks would be easier if you pretended nothing was wrong, but that's just kicking the can down the road. Please don't put them through a childhood watching their mum being scared of their dad.

This is a normal emotion although it is completely irrational in a sense. You've built a life with this man and you are in shock that he has done this to you. The guilt is coming from the pleading and the apologies so that it almost makes you feel bad for punishing him. But there are (lots of) men who show remorse time and time again only to do it again.

You know deep down that a line had to be drawn here. Your H will need to learn and understand that there are some things that no amount of apologies can fix. These are the consequences of attacking your wife. That is not your load to carry.

You must report
He needs to have it on his record

So any future issues it is there
It is up to him to go to perpetrator courses etc to reform

Your dc need to know in approprriate terms ask for gp to refer to child psych for help

But for now do not engage
Only thru a third party via emsil

Yes it's hard. Many women who leave abusive men make several attempts before they finally leave - or are killed by their abusive partner. Have you told your children yet, have they seen the bruises? "Daddy hit mummy in a drunken rage, he really hurt me and I cant be around him now because he will do it again. I'm also worried he may hurt you".

It will be hard but keep strong. I think you should try and see a doctor today if you can about your injuries, your stress and so they can help you. Do contact the police, can mum be with you.

Oh bless you. It is going to be awful. And hard. But not as hard as a lifetime with a violent abuser. Sending strength op xx

He’ll be firmly in the reconciliation stage now but you must remember it won’t last. Keep blocking any methods of communication he has for you at the moment as you need the space to process what’s happened. If you tell the children in an age appropriate way that you’re not together anymore then they can also begin to process this.

@unmumsyma1 It's strangely normal to feel irrational 'Guilt' after something like this- the attacker is so very manipulative, and our self confidence is on the floor after such an attack.

They know exactly how to make you feel ''sorry'' for them which is why so many woman take attackers back.

Do not fall for it!

How would you feel if it was your daughter who was beaten up?

You'd not stand for it.

So begin to take care of yourself, and your children.

The children will be asking about him...Get some advice from Women's aid...they are probably the best people to ask how to deal with the kid's questions.

Well done for staying strong.

If he's apologising via text then keep it! Have it in writing him admitting to doing it! He could have killed you. You could be dead, leaving your kids without a mum. Remember that.

OP I am so sorry you’re going through this, you must feel like your whole world has imploded.

As others have said, strangulation is the biggest warning sign when it comes to domestic violence that the risk of future harm or death is significant . He could have killed you on Saturday.

He has crossed a line and you can never go back. It is completely understandable that you are feeling so conflicted, please know that your feelings are normal and this is the hardest part. You don’t have to figure everything out right know with regards to the children or how it will work as a single parent, you will find a way to make it work.

I urge you to contact Women’s Aid, the support they can offer you is invaluable. I would also encourage you to contact the police if you feel like you can x

Yeah they're something like 5 or 6 times more likely to kill you ultimately if they are the sort who put their hands on your neck. Stat wise.

I mean tbf the damage he did to your ribs alone could have killed you.

I'm not to sure there wouldn't be a potential for the pursuit of an attempted murder/manslaughter charge, let alone assault.

If you go to the police it also means you can tell your kids the truth. Which is a hard thing to do but better in the longterm.

'Mummy had to get us out of there because daddy hurt mummy. It's never OK to hurt someone. So just like when teachers have to decide on how to punish children who bully, the police have to decide on how to deal with adults who bully. I know you love daddy. But we have to stay safe so we'll be staying here for a while. I don't have all the answers yet but I love you very much'.

Ps: tell the school what has happened. That you and the kids are out and safe. And that he isn't to collect them from school under any circumstances.

If you can face it, I'd try and tell the gp receptionist what has happened to you. That you've been assaulted, you don't need to elaborate. It will help you to get seen sooner.

I'm sorry he's harassing you by text. He's a POS.

I would recommend getting in touch with a domestic violence charity. They will be more equipped as to what your options are, a safe space to talk about your emotions and advice as to how to navigate from here ( advice on how to tell the kids for example).

You are grieving for the husband you knew before he attacked you and that is completely normal and okay to feel. The emotional pain of losing him will take a while to pass. But whenever you are really struggling with your guilt or having a moment of thinking if this is the right choice, remember what he did to you. Not in a way that completely distresses you but enough to remind you of whos fault it is for ultimately breaking up your family because it certainly isnt yours. Be gentle with yourself.

FGS don't say this. Bloody hell. Far too dramatic and scary for little ones.

I wouldn't say anything to young children about their father,they won't thank you for it.

Put yourself in their heads before you explain anything,they don't need the details yet.

I think it would be entirely inappropriate to tell a young child this and courts would take a similar view. They do not need to know about adult issues. It's too much of a burden for them to carry. They will then feel torn on whether they should love their father after what he did to the mother and it could cause a lot of mental health issues in the future.