I dont know what to make of DH’s behaviour

[Leilalala]

We are new parents to a 3-month old DS. DH on the whole is a caring and thoughtful person. Always sends birthday/Christmas cards to friends & family, makes a lot of effort on special occasions etc
He has been under some work related stress lately plus the obvious stress relating to being a new father so maybe a bit more cranky/tired/withdrawn than normal.
About a week ago he raised the subject of the upcoming Mothering Sunday (in 2 week’s time from then) and asked what I would like to do. I confirmed that I would really like to spend my first Mother’s Day with him and DS and go for lunch somewhere but also that he should make effort to see his mum and not just drop her just because we’ve had a baby (they always see each other on Mother’s Day). He said he wasn’t going to go see her initially but agreed he would do so in the morning before we do sth together as a family.
Today his dad called him to ‘discuss Sunday’ but DH asked him to call tomorrow. Over dinner I asked DH what they are thinking of doing with his mum (ie coffee/walk) and DH said that he will need to speak to his dad later as he hasn’t decided. I then asked what we are doing (thinking he has arranged this - he is very well organised normally) and he said ‘I don’t know’. I asked if he was going to book us into a restaurant and his response was ‘they will all be booked up by now, so there is no point’. I was shocked by his behaviour (him being quite indifferent and then dismissive about my first Mother’s Day having brought up the subject himself just a week earlier) and suggested that I try to find somewhere. He snapped out of it after that and apologised for his behaviour but I cannot help feeling uneasy about such out- of- character behaviour. It’s like his mask has slipped and this ‘ I can’t be bothered with you’ attitude shone through right then.
Am I overthinking this? Why would he be like this all of the sudden?
He obviously felt guilty as he went upstairs after dinner and when he came back down he said we are all booked in.
I can’t help feeling uncomfortable about tat exchange though.

Sounds like he has a lot on his plate

Small baby, needy wife, needy mother

First year he’s had to multi task Mothers day.
I really don’t think there’s anything there to get worked up over.

Yabu.. and needy. Let him see his mum and take the baby and have a day off.. that's what Mother's Day is about imo.

Sounds stressed to me, first Mother's Day is really a lovely day, maybe he has planned a surprise, or perhaps he's really just forgotten with the stress he's under - I suffer stress/anxiety/depression and sometimes I procrastinate like a professional!!
Book a late brunch or an early evening restaurant I'm sure you'll find somewhere nice

I know your 1st Mother's day can be a big milestone but going out to a restaurant with a young baby and a stressed husband on Mother's Day has potential for disaster.

Restaurants are always manic on Mother's Day, Christmas Day and Valentine's Night.

Is there something less stressful you could do like a nice walk on a beach or country park? Maybe your husband could run you a nice bath with a glass of fizz and some chocolates.

Honestly, you'll pay over the odds for lunch and if your wee one (or big one) gets cranky you might feel stressed.

I hope you have a lovely 1st Mother's Day but try not to expect too much.

But him seeing his mum isn’t an issue- I encouraged him to do so when he wasn’t going to. He is seeing his mum in the morning on Sunday and she lives 5 minutes away so all really straightforward.
The gist of my original post is that I am confused by DH suggesting we do something for my first Mothering Sunday in the afternoon and then doing a 180 on the idea.

Raggydollz

I mean it's nice to have a day where you spend time with family but it's really not something to make a big deal about - have tea at your place and have the grandparents over to make a fuss and be done with it

@FloofCloud "maybe he has planned a surprise" why does he need to plan a surprise for bloody Mother's Day ?! So many unrealistic expectations of this kind of thing these days. It's just a day !!

For a lot of people, a present and breakfast in bed is Mother's Day. Taking a baby to a restaurant isn't that easy. Is he feeling the pinch and not keen on paying for a restaurant? You both have to work out how you want to mark these days going forward. I do understand though. My DH did nothing for my first Mother's Day and it was a bit stink.

It sounds like you were pestering him about plans at the same time as his dad called to pester him about plans and he closed off the idea of doing something.

"I was shocked by his behaviour" This is really an overreaction!
He has gone ahead and booked the lunch that you asked for so there doesn't seem to be anything to worry about now.
You are both new parents and no doubt both tired and a bit stressed. Just let it go.

‘His mask slipped’ seems like an overreaction. Every one has imperfections and you caught him at a bad moment. Maybe he felt a bit hassled and he was upset he’d forgotten to book - and so he came across as cool and offhand.
The fact he asked you a week ago shows he was planning to make a fuss of you so I’d let this go… He probably just has a lot on his plate and being a new parent is a big life change!
Hope you have a lovely day!

This seems like a massive overreaction. Your husband sounds lovely and is having a normal moment of tiredness/stress/grumpiness. "The mask has slipped" is a particularly sinister sounding reaction! Like you think based off of this one interaction that he's been putting on a false persona all these years?

It's nice that he's organised something now but, personally, this is the last thing I would want for Mother's Day. I'd rather have a bit of a break and a bunch of flowers.

My husband is taking our toddler to his mum's for Mother's Day and they'll all go for a little walk together. I'll be spending my blissful morning having a break and then spending time alone with my own mum where we can actually talk to each other in peace and quiet!

Sounds too me as I'd be was getting pressure from his dad to spend the day with his mum. He probably over promised on what he could do with them.
But really mothers day is a ridiculous event! Don't give in to a marketing ploy!

My 1st Mother's Day was extremely special and emotional to me and I still like to be spoilt by my husband on Mother's Day, so I do understand your feelings of wanting it to be special. It also really annoys me when people claim it's a big marketing ploy- it's surely just an excuse to show someone you love that you love them, I don't see why that's something to be sneered at. Most people are more than happy to get fully involved in Christmas and that's a big "marketing ploy" too since most people aren't religious.

However I think you're reading too much into your DHs behaviour. I don't know what you mean that his "mask slipped". It sounds like he's been a bit slow to organise it on this occasion and perhaps feels overwhelmed by the pressure but it also sounds like he has sorted it way before the day itself. Just give him the benefit of the doubt this time.

YABU. Mothers Day is about the relationship between a child and his/her mother. Not a requirement for a husband to arrange a treat for his wife. Your DH's responsibility begins when your child is old enough to learn about Mothers Day - he can help the child make a card or whatever. Even then, the school has that pretty much sorted.
He is dealing with new parenthood and still making time for his mum. That sounds good. Don't exhaust yourself and him by being ridiculously needy about Mothers Day.

Completely agree with this.

First Mothering Sunday can feel huge and I can understand that you want to feel spoilt and special

It feels to me as if your FIL has said something to DH about seeing MIL , maybe lunch out , and now DH isn't sure what to do as he feels conflicted

I'd invite MIL and FIL over for afternoon tea, get DH to organise it.

DH can take baby to MILs during the day to give you time alone to pamper and rest

Thank you all for your replies. I should made some parts of my original post clearer to the reader:

1. him seeing his mum is not an issue. I never said he could not, to the contrary I encouraged him to make time for her (this is because it has always been a big deal within their family both to the children and the mum). And it would not be logistically difficult - PIL live very close to us
2. Mothering Sunday is important for me too, marketing ploy or not. My DH also built it up in my head saying before we had our DS how amazing it will be and how we will have a lovely day (he loves eating out and so do I so this is something we both like to do). I am a first time mum and wanted to do something special. We had spoken about this with DH and he said it himself that we should go out. I do most work around DS, all nights and days and put no pressure on DH with regard to childcare as he works full time whilst I am on maternity leave atm. He does help out (mainly on the weekends) but gets tired very quickly so I end up pretty much caring for DS 24/7 7 days a week. Q
3. DH has been out a few times since DS was born- friends’ birthdays, stag do, night out clubbing with a friend- all of this whilst under pressure from work and new parenthood
4. By his ‘Mask slipping’ (I agree it sounded a bit dramatic) I meant that his whole demeanour changed. He went from being nice and having a perfectly pleasant conversation to looking angry at me, putting his fork down (we were chatting over dinner) and crossing his arms. I thought this was a massive overreaction to my brining up a topic which was perfectly pleasant when last discussed. All I was doing is checking what arrangements have been made (last time we had spoken, he said he wanted to deal with this all). I know my DH and he honestly changed for those few minutes. It was strange

There was no unreasonable reaction on my part, no argument or drama caused. I even suggested I could organise. All I was saying to you is that I was really confused by his reaction last night

On here op, in mn land it is considered childish and silly to celebrate anything about yourself such as an adults birthday or mother's day.

Maybe he was just having an off day, we all have them.

I think he's under pressure to do the usual thing with his mum, is dreading saying they aren't invited to lunch and he will do a quick card, dash and run to go back to you. It will be a big step change for his mum and dad and I imagine his dad will let him know his mum will be disappointed.

I think with this in mind he has avoided arranging anything because he feels between a rock and a hard place and will probably end up either disappointing someone or everyone. In those circumstances the fun of arranging stuff has probably gone right out of it.

Not saying you are wrong for just wanting it to be the two of you for Mother's Day, this is my preference too, but I do acknowledge this then means his mum misses out so I can't always get it the way I want.

Interesting that he 'gets tired very quickly'. Poor lamb.

You're a mother everyday, there's absolutely nothing special about March 10th. I would look at his overall behaviour and not worry about this one inconsequential day too much.

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