I dont know what to make of DH’s behaviour

[Leilalala]

We are new parents to a 3-month old DS. DH on the whole is a caring and thoughtful person. Always sends birthday/Christmas cards to friends & family, makes a lot of effort on special occasions etc
He has been under some work related stress lately plus the obvious stress relating to being a new father so maybe a bit more cranky/tired/withdrawn than normal.
About a week ago he raised the subject of the upcoming Mothering Sunday (in 2 week’s time from then) and asked what I would like to do. I confirmed that I would really like to spend my first Mother’s Day with him and DS and go for lunch somewhere but also that he should make effort to see his mum and not just drop her just because we’ve had a baby (they always see each other on Mother’s Day). He said he wasn’t going to go see her initially but agreed he would do so in the morning before we do sth together as a family.
Today his dad called him to ‘discuss Sunday’ but DH asked him to call tomorrow. Over dinner I asked DH what they are thinking of doing with his mum (ie coffee/walk) and DH said that he will need to speak to his dad later as he hasn’t decided. I then asked what we are doing (thinking he has arranged this - he is very well organised normally) and he said ‘I don’t know’. I asked if he was going to book us into a restaurant and his response was ‘they will all be booked up by now, so there is no point’. I was shocked by his behaviour (him being quite indifferent and then dismissive about my first Mother’s Day having brought up the subject himself just a week earlier) and suggested that I try to find somewhere. He snapped out of it after that and apologised for his behaviour but I cannot help feeling uneasy about such out- of- character behaviour. It’s like his mask has slipped and this ‘ I can’t be bothered with you’ attitude shone through right then.
Am I overthinking this? Why would he be like this all of the sudden?
He obviously felt guilty as he went upstairs after dinner and when he came back down he said we are all booked in.
I can’t help feeling uncomfortable about tat exchange though.

You don't think the OP would like to spend it with her own child given it's only three months old and it's her first Mother's Day?

It’s not needy to want to spend your first time as a mother yourself with your baby and your own dh!!

Come on, if that was the case, no one would ever spend mother day with their own family but only with their own personal mother!!

Maybe he's being out under pressure by his father who called to "discuss Sunday". Sounds quite formal when your DH was planning on popping over in the morning. I wouldn't be surprised if your MIL is kicking up a fuss behind the scenes.

@Leilalala i think it’s I possible to know what’s going on people’s mind and it’s very easy to think we know and we actually don’t.

From what you’ve said, I agree that your dh reaction was off but the reasons can be much more complicated than appeared.

I absolutely do not think it’s because ‘he is tired’ (I wish new mothers would stop saying that about their dh who don’t get up during the night and only help out tbh).. Afterall, the managed to book something pretty quickly a few moments later.

From his reaction with his dad, I suspect there is something going on there. Maybe a strong expectation that he’ll always be there and he doesn’t know how to handle it.
Does your dh have any sibling who already have children themselves? What’s the situation then? Still going to spend Mother’s Day with his parents, aka there is a precedent?

As a one off, I wouldn’t be worried.

But I certainly would stop with all the excuses as to why he is more distant etc… I mean you are a new mother too. You also have to adjust to a lot, on very little sleep. And I doubt you’ve been given that type of leeway (incl by yourself).

I think it's because he normally die ds the day with his own mother. That's what Mother's Day is about. You are not his mother. Yes you can celebrate MD with your baby and yes he can treat you in appreciation but a lunch takes up most of the day that he would have previously spent with his mother and that's the conflict.

OP, ignore the people who don't celebrate Mother's Day so think you shouldn't either - I don't celebrate every special occasion on the world either, but the ones I do I do, and so can you.

Regards the "mask slipping" I guess the key here is that only you were there and saw how unpleasant (scary?) he was. It's hard to imagine because we don't know him and didn't see him.

For example my husband has a temper and can be moody and quite nasty at times (he has other good qualities to balance it) so it's not that rare (once a month or so) for him to have a dig like this about a fairly innocuous thing. While I don't like it, I know it's just how he is and then he gets over it so I would be concerned as such if you see what i mean.

There are other men I know, my boss for example, who if he ever spoke cruelly or coldly I would be quite unnerved, because he is so unlike that in day to day life...

All you can do is watch for further signs I think OP. I don't mean there definitely will be any either. But some men do change and become less pleasant once you have their child. I am probably being alarmist, but you keep an eye on yourself and trust your gut in these matters......

Poor guy, maybe he has just had a glimpse into the future, decades of high expectations, hassle and expense, and he will probably never win.

Much better to set early mothers day expectations very low. It really means nothing.

Understand why this will have perturbed you OP after your update (you will get the competitive low bar people on here, or people who have never met certain personalities so don't understand why for some people this is unusual, ignore them)

But you need to expand here - why are you doing 24/7 childcare because he's working full time? So he works 40 hours a week and does 0 childcare but you do 168 hours childcare? I understand wanting to give him a little breather/time to rest but given the baby can't be awake long after he gets back from work, I'd have thought he'd be desperate to take over then to spend time with them. Why is he so tired all the time?

Agreed 100%. Get a grip, and stop being dramatic. His mask didn't slip, you were just being insufferable.

It is childish thinking indeed to say this doesn’t matter to me therefore you don’t get to care either. I care about Mother’s Day, many people do, including many people on mumsnet as si blindingly obvious from reading posts about it so if your only contribution is to say lots of people don’t care, despite being on a thread where it’s clear the op and her Dh intended to care about it, then what was the point of that? You just had to say something?

Since he’s done near zero parenting the expectations of him are actually very low. This day seems to be the first non zero expectation the op has of him. So hopefully that’s not too much for the poor man.

I do most work around DS, all nights and days and put no pressure on DH with regard to childcare as he works full time whilst I am on maternity leave atm. He does help out (mainly on the weekends) but gets tired very quickly so I end up pretty much caring for DS 24/7 7 days a week

🙄

You have gone from painting him as a lovely caring husband, to this update.

I'd stop worrying about Mother's Day and start having a good look at your relationship. I wouldn't put up with this.

"Helping out" indeed.

He snapped then apologised for snapping. I'd assume he got a bit overwhelmed. I'd let it go and see what he plans. Or you could offer to book some where?

I think perhaps there’s some suggestion from his parents to do a big family lunch or spend the day together - (the phone call from his dad to “discuss Sunday”) - and he’s decided to take the ostrich approach rather than tell his parents that things have changed now that you two are parents yourselves.

By not booking a restaurant until you pushed it, he may have been going for the “oops everywhere’s fully booked so we’ll all go to my parents instead” idea.

But overall he sounds a bit of a wet lettuce anyway.

If this is the first time your husband has ever had a sudden moment of irritation / grumpiness then he sounds like an absolute catch!

I honestly think you are massively over-reacting to a non-event.

He is stressed with work and being a new father anyway. Then his dad was ringing him about going to see his mum. Then you brought up your lunch out for Mother’s Day. He’s probably been feeling really overwhelmed and trying to keep it all together and although your question may have seemed minor to you it all suddenly got a bit much for him and so he snapped a bit.

Then he felt guilty and fixed it.

I think you should tell him how much you appreciate everything he’s doing and let him know he can talk to you if he’s ever feeling overwhelmed.

Although your post is written in a passive ethos im guessing the upset was caused by you saying you wanted lunch alone with him. Why not meet as a family for lunch? Trust me you will never win over his mother.

This was my immediate thought, and he put his dad off so he could talk to you first.

Perhaps his dad has suggested that they all go out for lunch as usual and he doesn’t want to disappoint his mum by saying no but he also doesn’t want to disappoint you by not having a lunch with only you and the baby. Maybe he has just been avoiding thinking about it because he is tired and now it’s stressing him out.

I think you are looking far too into it personally

It sounds like he’s just got a lot on his plate right now, I’d be more concerned he might be struggling with the stress and if you notice any other changes like lethargy, disinterest in things he usually enjoys, sleeping less or more, eating less or more and becoming more snappy or easily irritated. These are typical symptoms of depression.

You have massively missed my point. I do not think it's childish and silly. Notoriously on MN people never celebrate these things and anyone who does is called childish and needy.

Mothering Sunday is important for me too, marketing ploy or not. My DH also built it up in my head saying before we had our DS how amazing it will be and how we will have a lovely day (he loves eating out and so do I so this is something we both like to do). I am a first time mum and wanted to do something special. We had spoken about this with DH and he said it himself that we should go out. I do most work around DS, all nights and days and put no pressure on DH with regard to childcare as he works full time whilst I am on maternity leave atm. He does help out (mainly on the weekends) but gets tired very quickly so I end up pretty much caring for DS 24/7 7 days a week

Eating out with a 3 month old doesn't sound like an amazing day to me. 🤣

Don't build the day up because you will be disappointed. I was tired and tearful on my first Mother's Day because I wanted DH to treat me like a queen and quite honestly he was a bit of a cock instead. We weren't in a good place then really and I find that now we have a good relationship these days matter less to me. As long as I have a lie in, coffee hot cross buns and some flowers, I'm happy. I have my own mother to see anyway. I lowered my expectations and I'm so much happier.

T . B. H. With this being your first ' mothers day'
it is causing confusion among you. Dont beat yourself up, or your partner.
The ' Mothers Day' you speak of is really between your child and yourself.
YOU are not your partners ' ',mother' ..( with respect)..
IF your partner CHOOSES to make the day about YOU ( for himself) thats weird. It should be his own mother - however IF he respects you enough to give gifts ' as addressed from your child ' that's a bonus but should NOT be expected - surely????!! I dont mean to be hurtful but this is the truth as I see it.
Is there no way you could ALL Celebrate Together with his mother?????
Please dont shoot this messenger.

Thinking he’s trying to please everyone and as a result will probably end up pleasing no on

This is absolute nonsense. So who is supposed to sort out mothers day for a new mum with a baby? Because the baby certain cant!! Are mothers supposed to not celebrate mothers day until their children are old enough to sort it themselves? Get real! It should absolutely be DHs responsibility until DCs are old enough. Its not weird, its respecting the mother of his children