I dont know what to make of DH’s behaviour

[Leilalala]

We are new parents to a 3-month old DS. DH on the whole is a caring and thoughtful person. Always sends birthday/Christmas cards to friends & family, makes a lot of effort on special occasions etc
He has been under some work related stress lately plus the obvious stress relating to being a new father so maybe a bit more cranky/tired/withdrawn than normal.
About a week ago he raised the subject of the upcoming Mothering Sunday (in 2 week’s time from then) and asked what I would like to do. I confirmed that I would really like to spend my first Mother’s Day with him and DS and go for lunch somewhere but also that he should make effort to see his mum and not just drop her just because we’ve had a baby (they always see each other on Mother’s Day). He said he wasn’t going to go see her initially but agreed he would do so in the morning before we do sth together as a family.
Today his dad called him to ‘discuss Sunday’ but DH asked him to call tomorrow. Over dinner I asked DH what they are thinking of doing with his mum (ie coffee/walk) and DH said that he will need to speak to his dad later as he hasn’t decided. I then asked what we are doing (thinking he has arranged this - he is very well organised normally) and he said ‘I don’t know’. I asked if he was going to book us into a restaurant and his response was ‘they will all be booked up by now, so there is no point’. I was shocked by his behaviour (him being quite indifferent and then dismissive about my first Mother’s Day having brought up the subject himself just a week earlier) and suggested that I try to find somewhere. He snapped out of it after that and apologised for his behaviour but I cannot help feeling uneasy about such out- of- character behaviour. It’s like his mask has slipped and this ‘ I can’t be bothered with you’ attitude shone through right then.
Am I overthinking this? Why would he be like this all of the sudden?
He obviously felt guilty as he went upstairs after dinner and when he came back down he said we are all booked in.
I can’t help feeling uncomfortable about tat exchange though.

Well, @Itsmychristmasdress we could have eaten out with a 3-month old, but we were considerate enough to recognise the potentially screaming baby might spoil other diners’ experience.

Everyone is different. Personally I prefer to spend mother's day doing something with my mum and my DC, not DH and DC. Maybe he's just a bit disappointed he won't get to do that this year (yes, yes, I know he can go round for a bit in the morning).

Everyone has different opinions on mother's day clearly, for lots of us it's not a huge extravagant day where we feel the need for our husbands to spoil us all day so OPs reaction seems rather bizarre to me.

But aside from all of that he's not actually done anything wrong. Everyone gets grumpy sometimes, Jesus when I think back to how moody I was from time to time when my DC were newborns!!!

He apologised for being snappy and booked the bloody restaurant. This is such a none event.

I really think the pressure a new dad gets over the 1st mother's day is immense.
They may have just got their own mum a card, and their own father probably did nothing 30 odd years ago.
Suddenly this new expectations is a major surprise to them.
Like most mother's I get my own mum a card and a small gift.
Cut him some slack, have a chat, telling him for the next 6 years both of you will be required to provide 3 gifts a year from the child to the other parent. Maybe set up a list for this on Amazon.so HE knows he will also receive. Also set a limit....

Honestly I think you need to chill out a bit!!

Yes you are overthinking it. He's under a lot of pressure and was momentarily irritated. You jumped into blaming him (albeit in your head) for "slipping mask", as if he's not allowed to show any human emotions other than loving kindness (which is an ideal most of us are quite far from achieving).

I grew up in a dysfunctional family so I'm used to tougher interactions than you (full on yelling matches, although we don't do that in our house with DH). My upbringing wasn't a good way to live but seriously, he crossed his arms and glanced at you irritably and you're shocked? You need to give him a bit more leeway to express how he feels. Nobody is able to be 100% thoughtful, lovely and pleasant every waking second. Also he fixed it already so please simply move on. This is a non-issue.

The last few months have brought a lot of changes to your life.
He just sounds tired and a bit overwhelmed to me - which is very normal. I think you're overanalysing things tbh.
Hope you have a very nice Mother's Day.

You were the one moaning about him not seeing his mother, now your moaning he’s not organised something for you! It’s really not that big of a day! Book the table yourself!!! Your expectations maybe need to come down to reality a bit (as do his family’s)

I’m really wondering if any of the posters who say that the OP is a pain in the arse would

• give as much leeway to a new mum ‘getting irritated’. From reading posts on MN the answer would be a flat NO. Mothers are supposed to stay level headed at all times.
• be on here moaning about how their dh hasn’t done anything about Mother’s Day/hasn’t helped the dcs make a card etc…. Strangely enough, none of those posters are told they are needy

I think you are over thinking this

He fixed it though, didn't he?

When he realized booking a meal out for you was important, he did it, yes?

I think you need to cut him a bit of slack, especially as you said, it's out of character. He's got a lot on his plate.... (as do you, & of course you deserve to be celebrated & spoilt on your first mother's day).

Looking at this objectively, as OP doesn't mention her mum (and there's no need to speculate why as that's not the point here) perhaps she hasn't had the chance for a while to be involved in mothers day the way a lot of us have who still have/have contact with our mothers.
Maybe that's why it's so important to her and I think if that's the case then let her make as much fuss as she wants, let it be a special day for her.

Going out for a meal is high expectations? Wow that bar got a little lower.

but sure, let’s overlook the emotional baggage that comes with being a new mother doing the lions share of parenting because it’s so much worse when a man has to make plans for ONE day. Poor him.

@Sako81
"Going out for a meal is high expectations? Wow that bar got a little lower."

After reading this thread it would seem the bar is already subterranean I'm not sure it could sink any lower at this point.

@Leilalala I think your DH has just been a bit flustered that his dad has also asked him and possibly pulled him in the other direction at the same time you happened to bring it up. I'm not sure why anyone is saying you're needy/nagging/beating him with a big stick over it unless they sit and eat dinner in abject silence it seemed like a perfectly normal conversation to me and one which he had started previously by asking what you would like to do. You don't need to lower your expectations you have every right to celebrate and be celebrated if that is something you and your family enjoy doing. I hope you have a wonderful first mother's day.

@Leilalala You are all booked in now, I don't see the problem.

LTB!!!

be on here moaning about how their dh hasn’t done anything about Mother’s Day/hasn’t helped the dcs make a card etc…. Strangely enough, none of those posters are told they are needy

That isn't remotely what has happened though. It's not even mothers day yet!

He got a bit snappy, apologised and has booked the lunch OP wanted. What's the big deal?

I don't know a single person who hasn't snapped at their partner every now and then. Providing you apologise and just move on, which he did, it's just part of normal life. All this talk of a mask slipping and going over his behaviour as if he's done something abhorrent is just a bit... dramatic.

@Leilalala it depends on how long you've known him. A sudden shift in behaviour in the way you describe could be a sign that you got a glimpse of the 'real' him. But if you've been together years, I think this it is more likely to be that he's tired? Your baby is still very young.

Mothering Sunday is just a Sunday in this house. I've never seen the attraction myself. It's like valentines day. Restaurants are open every day, why wait for the few times it's very overpriced to go out for dinner with loads of other people.

Do something special at home and take the pressure off. Maybe you can all do something with his parents. Could it be that he's had his dad in his ear complaining that his own mother gets “5 minutes” ?

Maybe I've just gotten over the whole mother's day thing but surely a card is fine, seems like a lot of fuss is being made. It's just a load of arse really.

What never fails to dishearten me on a lot of these threads is how women will race to criticise other women and defend the men. I don’t know what that’s about. Maybe just as women we are so conditioned to keep our expectations of men low that any woman stepping a toe out of line and asking to go out for lunch (what frippery and outrageous expense!) is immediately bashed as “needy” “a princess” and “high maintenance.”

I just read OP’s original message and some of the replies to my DH and he just said he’s “glad he’s not a woman and OP’s DH might not have realised it but there’s 24 hours in a day and it’s possible to do more than one thing and if they have more than one kid he’d best get used to it. Man up.”

I love this 🖕

It’s his first year and he’s not used to having to think about it. My daughters 8 and I still forget I need to buy presents and cards for her to give to family on birthdays etc. Give him a break.

I think the issue here is that no matter how important you think you are in your partners life you will never win when it comes to family. Well some families anyway.
My fellas mum is very very important to him, there's no way I could compete so I don't bother.
Always, always, always keep your MIL close because if the shit hits the fan later on the mother will convince their darling son that it's not them it's you.
I would completely forget about it now and tell your DH to go spend the day with his mum.

What are you saying. This is awful advice. Just because you feel this way with regards to how you see your mil and your hubby does not mean that's how it is for everyone else. He's going to see his mum in the morning then be with his wife and child as he should. Mils have had years to be with their dear sons , wife and children are in in the mix too now. Sorry that you haven't been able to be your hubby's priority but don't give advice to others , trying to get them to be in the same boat as you.

I think it's the false offer rather than the offer itself.
I would never want to go out for lunch on Mother's Day because it's stressful and busy.
You do want to go for lunch, which is fine. He suggested it and made comments about making Mother's Day special so I think it's understandable that you are then upset when he seemed to be dismissing it and a bit annoyed when you mentioned it.
I think he behaved like that as he is being pulled in different directions and can't please you and his mum at the same time.
I would see what happens this year but work out a way for other years that incorporates everyone because he will have to consider his own mum as well. If you eat out regularly then maybe a family tradition to eat out the night before just your family then on the day you get breakfast in bed and a lie in then he is free to do whatever he wants with his mum for the rest of the day. Or the other way round. He starts a tradition where he takes her out for a meal the night before Mother's Day. I do random things for my mum as I'm a shift worker. She doesn't mind if we go out for breakfast or lunch on a slightly different day. I have several siblings who will see her on the day. Everyone pinning everything on one day will lead to stress for everyone. Maybe that's why he reacted badly as he realised that.