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Original poster

I dont know what to make of DH’s behaviour

228 replies

Leilalala · 04/03/2024 02:44

We are new parents to a 3-month old DS. DH on the whole is a caring and thoughtful person. Always sends birthday/Christmas cards to friends & family, makes a lot of effort on special occasions etc
He has been under some work related stress lately plus the obvious stress relating to being a new father so maybe a bit more cranky/tired/withdrawn than normal.
About a week ago he raised the subject of the upcoming Mothering Sunday (in 2 week’s time from then) and asked what I would like to do. I confirmed that I would really like to spend my first Mother’s Day with him and DS and go for lunch somewhere but also that he should make effort to see his mum and not just drop her just because we’ve had a baby (they always see each other on Mother’s Day). He said he wasn’t going to go see her initially but agreed he would do so in the morning before we do sth together as a family.
Today his dad called him to ‘discuss Sunday’ but DH asked him to call tomorrow. Over dinner I asked DH what they are thinking of doing with his mum (ie coffee/walk) and DH said that he will need to speak to his dad later as he hasn’t decided. I then asked what we are doing (thinking he has arranged this - he is very well organised normally) and he said ‘I don’t know’. I asked if he was going to book us into a restaurant and his response was ‘they will all be booked up by now, so there is no point’. I was shocked by his behaviour (him being quite indifferent and then dismissive about my first Mother’s Day having brought up the subject himself just a week earlier) and suggested that I try to find somewhere. He snapped out of it after that and apologised for his behaviour but I cannot help feeling uneasy about such out- of- character behaviour. It’s like his mask has slipped and this ‘ I can’t be bothered with you’ attitude shone through right then.
Am I overthinking this? Why would he be like this all of the sudden?
He obviously felt guilty as he went upstairs after dinner and when he came back down he said we are all booked in.
I can’t help feeling uncomfortable about tat exchange though.

OP posts:
Concannon88 · 04/03/2024 18:23

Leilalala · 04/03/2024 02:44

We are new parents to a 3-month old DS. DH on the whole is a caring and thoughtful person. Always sends birthday/Christmas cards to friends & family, makes a lot of effort on special occasions etc
He has been under some work related stress lately plus the obvious stress relating to being a new father so maybe a bit more cranky/tired/withdrawn than normal.
About a week ago he raised the subject of the upcoming Mothering Sunday (in 2 week’s time from then) and asked what I would like to do. I confirmed that I would really like to spend my first Mother’s Day with him and DS and go for lunch somewhere but also that he should make effort to see his mum and not just drop her just because we’ve had a baby (they always see each other on Mother’s Day). He said he wasn’t going to go see her initially but agreed he would do so in the morning before we do sth together as a family.
Today his dad called him to ‘discuss Sunday’ but DH asked him to call tomorrow. Over dinner I asked DH what they are thinking of doing with his mum (ie coffee/walk) and DH said that he will need to speak to his dad later as he hasn’t decided. I then asked what we are doing (thinking he has arranged this - he is very well organised normally) and he said ‘I don’t know’. I asked if he was going to book us into a restaurant and his response was ‘they will all be booked up by now, so there is no point’. I was shocked by his behaviour (him being quite indifferent and then dismissive about my first Mother’s Day having brought up the subject himself just a week earlier) and suggested that I try to find somewhere. He snapped out of it after that and apologised for his behaviour but I cannot help feeling uneasy about such out- of- character behaviour. It’s like his mask has slipped and this ‘ I can’t be bothered with you’ attitude shone through right then.
Am I overthinking this? Why would he be like this all of the sudden?
He obviously felt guilty as he went upstairs after dinner and when he came back down he said we are all booked in.
I can’t help feeling uncomfortable about tat exchange though.

Really wish I had your problems

Radioshark · 04/03/2024 18:23

Going my experience from when I was a young mother and some of my friends a lot of men want to be family men when it suits and behave like single men at other times.

SaviourofSchoolUniform · 04/03/2024 18:34

Mothers day is the best day of the year. Better than Christmas. All I've ever asked for was for the kids to give me a day off. When they were little they used to do the chores with my ex husband and I didn't have to lift a finger. Now my children are older 22/20/17 they take me out, usually for a drink where I don't have to pay.
This year my daughter is 400 miles away, and my daughter is at training 250 miles away. It's fallen to my 17 yr old who is autistic. So instead of him taking me out alone I am going out for tea with my boyfriend's mum and family. My youngest is coming with us, so I still get to have a special time with him.
I'm sure it's too late now, but I think you should have recognized the tradition that your husband has with his mum. It can be very special to mum's of all ages, and for you to change what he has always done has quite likely made him quite annoyed. When we are new parents we can sometimes live in a bit of a bubble where only the baby is important.
If my daughters suddenly stopped doing what they usually do, I would be very upset. This year there isn't much I can do about it, but if my children lived 5 minutes away and were available it would be very disappointing. Have you considered how your MIL feels? You get to spend all the time with your DH and a quick poop round may have made your MIL feel second place. Maybe your FIL picked up on this and was trying to mend it and encourage your DH to make it right.
Ultimately I think YABU and put yourself 40 years in the future, would you want to play second fiddle to your daughter in law?

itsachange2024 · 04/03/2024 18:49

SaviourofSchoolUniform · 04/03/2024 18:34

Mothers day is the best day of the year. Better than Christmas. All I've ever asked for was for the kids to give me a day off. When they were little they used to do the chores with my ex husband and I didn't have to lift a finger. Now my children are older 22/20/17 they take me out, usually for a drink where I don't have to pay.
This year my daughter is 400 miles away, and my daughter is at training 250 miles away. It's fallen to my 17 yr old who is autistic. So instead of him taking me out alone I am going out for tea with my boyfriend's mum and family. My youngest is coming with us, so I still get to have a special time with him.
I'm sure it's too late now, but I think you should have recognized the tradition that your husband has with his mum. It can be very special to mum's of all ages, and for you to change what he has always done has quite likely made him quite annoyed. When we are new parents we can sometimes live in a bit of a bubble where only the baby is important.
If my daughters suddenly stopped doing what they usually do, I would be very upset. This year there isn't much I can do about it, but if my children lived 5 minutes away and were available it would be very disappointing. Have you considered how your MIL feels? You get to spend all the time with your DH and a quick poop round may have made your MIL feel second place. Maybe your FIL picked up on this and was trying to mend it and encourage your DH to make it right.
Ultimately I think YABU and put yourself 40 years in the future, would you want to play second fiddle to your daughter in law?

Yes

CharmedCult · 04/03/2024 18:51

Ultimately I think YABU and put yourself 40 years in the future, would you want to play second fiddle to your daughter in law?

I'd think I've had 40 Mothers Days, and now that my DIL has a baby it's her turn.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 04/03/2024 18:59

My first thought reading this is that he sounds tired and stressed.

Honestlyy · 04/03/2024 19:02

Phoenixfire1988 · 04/03/2024 18:06

Seperate a 1st time mother from her 3 month old baby on her FIRST mothers day so he can go and be with his mammy WHAT PLANET ARE YOU ON ??? He has been doing stuff for his mother for years he now has a wife and a baby it's really not that difficult to plan for his wife instead of his mother

Show quote history

Bloody hell. Calm the fuck down. Some mums might actually appreciate the peace for an hour or two. 🤣

It actually is Mother's Day so why should his mum get sidelined?

WhoSaidWhat123 · 04/03/2024 19:06

I book my own Mother’s day meals etc. just do that then tell him you’ve booked a table at whatever time, then he knows what time he has to work with to see his Mum.

Luckyduc · 04/03/2024 19:10

I find it odd that you want him to spend mother's day with you....your not his mum. I ditch my husband every year on mother's day and have a day out just me and my son

nc1q84r0v · 04/03/2024 19:21

Well he was fine until his dad called. It seems pretty obvious to me that he's anticipating a MIL tantrum. What are you so confused about?
If you're going to call his usual demeanour a mask and never let him have any off time future challenges are going to be so much harder.
You should have just left it alone when he said 'I don't know!'.

WimbyAce · 04/03/2024 19:22

Think he was prob tired tbh and he had his dad on at him and then you on at him. I don't think I've ever been out for lunch on mother's day since I has kids. Cut him some slack. Nothing to see here.

Rosscameasdoody · 04/03/2024 19:24

Is it possible he feels a bit conflicted ? Maybe his dad is expecting the same type of thing they’ve always done on mothers’ day and hasn’t factored in that you’re now a mother too and will be expecting to celebrate your first MD in your own way.

Alwaystired23 · 04/03/2024 19:24

Honestlyy · 04/03/2024 14:50

Mothering Sunday is important for me too, marketing ploy or not. My DH also built it up in my head saying before we had our DS how amazing it will be and how we will have a lovely day (he loves eating out and so do I so this is something we both like to do). I am a first time mum and wanted to do something special. We had spoken about this with DH and he said it himself that we should go out. I do most work around DS, all nights and days and put no pressure on DH with regard to childcare as he works full time whilst I am on maternity leave atm. He does help out (mainly on the weekends) but gets tired very quickly so I end up pretty much caring for DS 24/7 7 days a week

Eating out with a 3 month old doesn't sound like an amazing day to me. 🤣

Don't build the day up because you will be disappointed. I was tired and tearful on my first Mother's Day because I wanted DH to treat me like a queen and quite honestly he was a bit of a cock instead. We weren't in a good place then really and I find that now we have a good relationship these days matter less to me. As long as I have a lie in, coffee hot cross buns and some flowers, I'm happy. I have my own mother to see anyway. I lowered my expectations and I'm so much happier.

Yes, dont build the day up. My 1st mother's day wasn't great. My dh picked me up from a hen weekend. I was expecting flowers. Every time he left the room or went outside, I thought he'd come back in with flowers. He didn't. I was so hurt. I'd had a hard pregnancy, growth scans every 4 weeks, pprom, prem baby. I wanted a bunch of flipping flowers, chocolates, and a card, to be honest. Apparently, my present was being picked up from the hen party. Anyway, things have improved since then. My dc are 10 and 12, and I will be getting a cup of tea and a plate of custard creams in bed from them, plus a card and maybe some chocolates. Happy days.

LivStanshall · 04/03/2024 19:28

Andthereyougo · 04/03/2024 02:52

First year he’s had to multi task Mothers day.
I really don’t think there’s anything there to get worked up over.

I agree.

Why can’t you all go and have lunch with his mother and celebrate being mothers together? Mother’s day is for the children for their mothers, not husband/partners.

BluesBird19764 · 04/03/2024 19:29

MarchMoon · 04/03/2024 03:57

‘His mask slipped’ seems like an overreaction. Every one has imperfections and you caught him at a bad moment. Maybe he felt a bit hassled and he was upset he’d forgotten to book - and so he came across as cool and offhand.
The fact he asked you a week ago shows he was planning to make a fuss of you so I’d let this go… He probably just has a lot on his plate and being a new parent is a big life change!
Hope you have a lovely day!

Agreed, massive overreaction.

BotterMon · 04/03/2024 19:33

But but you're not his mother! He needs to celebrate his own mother and you should yours (you don't mention your DM so sorry if she's no longer alive).

You would be far better going out on Saturday as Sunday will be manic and not an easy situation with a young baby.
Your DH probably feels a bit pressured by his dad and guilty towards his own mother.

TheEverlovingFork · 04/03/2024 19:42

Well he was fine until his dad called. It seems pretty obvious to me that he's anticipating a MIL tantrum. What are you so confused about?

Completely read it this way too, and someone's body language changing when they're feeling pressured is normal, not their 'mask slipping', that's insane. I get that you want your first MD to be special, truly, because it is! But this is a slightly odd overreaction.

Debtfreegoals · 04/03/2024 19:45

I think he was maybe in a bad mood and I’d encourage you not to read too much into it. Come Sunday I bet you have a lovely day :)

Libra24 · 04/03/2024 19:45

GoodOldEmmaNess · 04/03/2024 07:06

YABU. Mothers Day is about the relationship between a child and his/her mother. Not a requirement for a husband to arrange a treat for his wife. Your DH's responsibility begins when your child is old enough to learn about Mothers Day - he can help the child make a card or whatever. Even then, the school has that pretty much sorted.
He is dealing with new parenthood and still making time for his mum. That sounds good. Don't exhaust yourself and him by being ridiculously needy about Mothers Day.

Totally disagree.

Why shouldn't he celebrate her as a mother? So by the same token she should ignore father's day until the child is big enough? Load of crap.

Hes a grown man. Capable of making plans for special people in his life especially when the predictably happen once a year with a lot help from the world around him. Plus he brought it up first.

I agree OP is perhaps being a bit sensitive to his reaction but tbf it's easily done when someone pulls a bit of an unexpected move on you.

To OP I say you know this man. He's your husband. If he upset you. Tell him. Ask him why he acted like that and say it surprised you.
Ignore these people gaslighting you. It's fine to enjoy these little things in life. I love treating my mum around mothers day and now I'm a mum I like to enjoy it too. Don't know why some people want to perpetuate the bar for being appreciated being so low it's on the floor. It's not like you are expecting something hugely unrealistic and expensive that you know can't be achieved.

Just give your husband some feed back and see what he says.

To this user below. I'm really sorry but I cannot delete your username. And I have no idea how it got in my post 🤣🤣 not aimed at you

@Acornsoup@Acornsoup

tachetastic · 04/03/2024 19:46

@Leilalala Over dinner I asked DH what they are thinking of doing with his mum (ie coffee/walk) and DH said that he will need to speak to his dad later as he hasn’t decided. I then asked what we are doing (thinking he has arranged this - he is very well organised normally) and he said ‘I don’t know’. I asked if he was going to book us into a restaurant and his response was ‘they will all be booked up by now, so there is no point’. I was shocked by his behaviour (him being quite indifferent and then dismissive about my first Mother’s Day having brought up the subject himself just a week earlier) and suggested that I try to find somewhere. He snapped out of it after that and apologised for his behaviour but I cannot help feeling uneasy about such out- of- character behaviour. It’s like his mask has slipped and this ‘ I can’t be bothered with you’ attitude shone through right then.

Sounds like you gave him quite a grilling over dinner, poor chap.

As a mother, enjoy Mothers Day with your DC. Let your MIL enjoy Mothers Day with her DC (i.e. your DH). The following weekend have a Mother and Father and Child Day where you all do something together.

I agree with others that the "his mask slipped" comment is being a bit melodramatic. Sounds like he just had a lot on his mind and I don't think what he said was particularly bad, despite your repeated questions about exactly how he was planning to make your day more special.

I assume you already have huge plans for Fathers Day?

RedToothBrush · 04/03/2024 19:47

Its mothers day.

Its a pointless.

You are being a total princess.

I can't be doing with the angst over a stupid date in a calendar. Id rather be treated well all the time and have a spontaneous nice treat on a day that suits rather than pander to this nonsense and get upset about it.

Gymnopedie · 04/03/2024 19:48

Why can’t you all go and have lunch with his mother and celebrate being mothers together? Mother’s day is for the children for their mothers, not husband/partners.

And her mum comes into it where exactly?

Mnk711 · 04/03/2024 19:48

I'd say maybe he was tired and a bit grumpy, perhaps he forgot about it and felt like you were pulling him up on it given his usual high standards. Honestly loads of these kind of things will happen with a new baby, people are tired and will sometimes be moody. Give him the benefit of the doubt any enjoy what he's organised.

MikeRafone · 04/03/2024 19:51

Leilalala · 04/03/2024 02:44

We are new parents to a 3-month old DS. DH on the whole is a caring and thoughtful person. Always sends birthday/Christmas cards to friends & family, makes a lot of effort on special occasions etc
He has been under some work related stress lately plus the obvious stress relating to being a new father so maybe a bit more cranky/tired/withdrawn than normal.
About a week ago he raised the subject of the upcoming Mothering Sunday (in 2 week’s time from then) and asked what I would like to do. I confirmed that I would really like to spend my first Mother’s Day with him and DS and go for lunch somewhere but also that he should make effort to see his mum and not just drop her just because we’ve had a baby (they always see each other on Mother’s Day). He said he wasn’t going to go see her initially but agreed he would do so in the morning before we do sth together as a family.
Today his dad called him to ‘discuss Sunday’ but DH asked him to call tomorrow. Over dinner I asked DH what they are thinking of doing with his mum (ie coffee/walk) and DH said that he will need to speak to his dad later as he hasn’t decided. I then asked what we are doing (thinking he has arranged this - he is very well organised normally) and he said ‘I don’t know’. I asked if he was going to book us into a restaurant and his response was ‘they will all be booked up by now, so there is no point’. I was shocked by his behaviour (him being quite indifferent and then dismissive about my first Mother’s Day having brought up the subject himself just a week earlier) and suggested that I try to find somewhere. He snapped out of it after that and apologised for his behaviour but I cannot help feeling uneasy about such out- of- character behaviour. It’s like his mask has slipped and this ‘ I can’t be bothered with you’ attitude shone through right then.
Am I overthinking this? Why would he be like this all of the sudden?
He obviously felt guilty as he went upstairs after dinner and when he came back down he said we are all booked in.
I can’t help feeling uncomfortable about tat exchange though.

The way this is written it comes across as though you are high maintenance.

A 3 month old baby, working he is probably also sleep deprived as are you, so give him a break about his mask

LivStanshall · 04/03/2024 19:54

Gymnopedie · 04/03/2024 19:48

Why can’t you all go and have lunch with his mother and celebrate being mothers together? Mother’s day is for the children for their mothers, not husband/partners.

And her mum comes into it where exactly?

She’s never mentioned her own mum.

The whole pressure on one day is ridiculous.