Meeting Boyfriend's Daughter -age gap relationship advice

[Stepppingontoes]

Hello mumsnet, this might be a bit long because there's a bit of context. I (23) have been with my boyfriend (40) for a year and a half now and we are thinking of moving in together, so he thinks it's time I met his daughter (18). I know age gap relationships are controversial on mumsnet so let me get some context clear:- we met in real life, he used to come into my work a lot and we hit it off. He was not out trawling tinder for 20 somethings. - I thought he was younger, about 30 because he looks good for his age (and in general in my opinion) and because he would always come in with his dad and his dads friends who are 60s, so next to them he looked young. - No, he was not married when I met him. Had been divorced for 10 years. - He does not normally date younger, ex wife is older, ex long term GF was two years younger. - I do not normally date anyone significantly older than me, have always said 30 is my hard cut off but I guess God had other plans. - Yes my family do know, they have met him and like him. My parents were a bit hostile at first but he won them over. - I will be moving into his house and his daughter sometimes stays there when she's back from uni. Just including these things because I think they're relevant and I feel like they answer the common questions. He has had regular contact with his daughter and she knows he has a girlfriend, she wants to meet me. He has only introduced one girlfriend to his daughter since he split with her mum so I am feeling pressure. I am looking for general tips, ideas for where to go/what to do (I was thinking maybe a nice pub quiz or something I know she likes a quiz). Obviously I am also looking for advice on the elephant in the room... she will definitely know I'm younger than her dad when she sees me. Her dad says she's not asked how old I am and he hasn't approached it with her. My gut feeling is that he should mention it before we meet, but I really don't know. I feel like maybe if she was prepared for the shock it would help? I don't know if I'm overthinking this. Any advice would be great. I posted this to step parenting but on retrospect it's probably better on relationships. Also no one responded and I'm really in need of some advice Ps sorry if there's typos English instead my first language!

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/age-gap-relationships-dating-experts-b2353072.html

There’s loads of comments with assumptions such as he’s manipulative, he’s trying to make OP financially dependent on him etc based purely on his age and no other factors.

You seem to have missed an awful lot of details if you think those are the only factors that pp are talking about. Notably his lack of consideration for his daughter, and the inequalities in his relationship with OP have been flagged up.

Maybe it will end up being a great relationship. Let's hope so. But women here with experience of these kinds of relationships are saying, look, in my experience, this is a red flag. This is something I thought was okay when I was your age, and looking back I was wrong. So my advice is slow down, don't meet the daughter yet, don't move in, don't get pregnant, make sure you have your own money, friends, and resources, think about how maybe you're going to change and take everything super slowly.

I genuinely don't think it's good advice to say, hey I'm in a relationship with a large age gap and it's been great so far, so everyone telling you to be careful or pointing out red flags is just bitter and troll like.

My ExH was 13/14 years older than me.
My 20’s were a blur, in my 30’s I was in effect a single mum seriously struggling in a shit relationship. It didn’t start that way. You’re a smart cookie, don’t do this to yourself. It’s not just the daughter thing, it’s everything else you’re only going to discover when it’s too late. It’s the he knows best cause he’s older, it’s the nah, not doing that, I did that in my 20’s, it’s the expectation that you’ll want to be you but the expectation is that you’ll behave like someone 15 years older.
And you know, I didn’t realise just how bad things are from an age difference perspective until I met DP who is 3 years older than me. We’re at the same stage in life, we want the same things and can’t be arsed with the same things. And it’s EASY. God, it’s so easy.

I know that’s not what you’re asking. And I’m not asking you to leave him. Hang out, but don’t entwine your lives.

This thread.

The ageism is vile. What does MN have against 60 year olds? Why are they fair game, to be referred to as disgusting?

I should know better than to read these threads, they upset me every time.

we need better chat rule guidelines from Hq

Exactly, you don’t know how it feels when your Dad gets together with someone five years older than you. Neither do I.

The OP has to be prepared for his DD’s to be upset. That’s what I was asking-how would you have felt at 18 if your Dad had got together with a 23-year-old?

It’s as if posters think men morph overnight into trolls the minute they hit 60.

My DH is 65, funny, adorable, runs 5k regularly and is stronger and fitter by far than my XH who can barely get up a flight of stairs at the age of 53.

I shouldn’t need to post all that, but these threads make me feel really defensive!

I wish I’d married him when I was 23, rather than the apparently age-appropriate dickhead I did marry, and who led me a life of misery.

He’d have got the MN seal of approval though, because y’know. Young.

I have a good friend who is younger than her stepdaughters. She is in her 40s, her DH in his 70s. They are very much in love and happy together, have been for a long time. Plot twist: he is now her carer for medical reasons, which she may not recover from.

Point is, nothing in life is guaranteed or can be taken for granted.

OP has been given quite the unasked for battering on this thread. She asked for advice on meeting her partner's young adults child, not for a character assassination of both her and her partner, based on a few words and an awful lot of assumptions.

Not their age in itself! The fact they're going for younger women.

You haven't been with him two weeks but 18 months. !! You sound switched on. My brother in law was 40 when my sister of 24 got together with him. He is now 67 and she is now 51. They are and have been blissfully happy for years.

Had babies x 2 when she was 29 and 31. He was 46 and 48... there was a big benefit. He retired at 55 ... has done all of the school runs and childcare stuff.

MN is so weird sometimes.

Fast forward twenty years when you are his age……with a 60 year old partner. Great for him and shit for you

The point being, it’s shit having a 60 year old partner. Except it’s not, unless they are a shit partner. In which case, they were probably shit at 30.

“Most 40yo women do not find 60yo men attractive. Age difference increases with age as the older partner ages quite fast.”

Nice.

“Saw him recently and he is a little old man. I was horrified”

Because what could be more horrific than a little old man?

“Said she hated being with a boring old man who moaned all day, and had constant health ailments. And she had no intention of being his 'carer.'”

Nice.

” I can tell you that most of my friends in their 40s are having a lot of sex - and do NOT look at 60yos as potential partners. They are not attractive to us.”

Because they all look and act the same, obviously.

I’m just imagining my 24 year old stepson planning to be a stepparent to an 18 year old…

I was 18 and in a relationship with a man of 34 in the early 80s. I thought I was terribly mature and sophisticated ; so much more sophisticated than my friends who were dating farmer's sons our own age. He was the Head chef at the local hotel where I had a Saturday/ holiday job during A levels. He was in charge and basically shagging the teenage waitress. The power/ life experience dynamic was way off. He had grown up as a white man in Zimbabwe. He had played guitar in a band and had travelled the world doing it. He told me he'd never been married ( well I've never met anyone as special as you blah blah). He told me he had no children. He could have had multiple wives and loads of children. I look back now and think people must have been laughing at me behind my back or really creeped out. When I went to teacher training college he came to visit me at the start of the first term. People thought he was my dad. I didn't want him to meet my new friends because I started to see that he was actually a middle aged man trying to be cool. He didn't wear leather trousers but I definitely started feeling that vibe. He was becoming dismissive of me , he would suddenly say " you're talking shit again" if I was chatting . I didn't like how that made me feel. I changed as I got a little bit older. I came from a tiny market town. Now I was in a far more urban place. I wanted to go to parties and buy clothes I wouldn't have worn at home. He would make negative comments. I outgrew him.It was a huge relief when he got a job in Scotland and left. I'm 58 now. My husband is 62. We understand each others jokes and when either of us start singing a song from our teens and 20s the other can join in . We are both very fit and healthy. If I'd stayed with the older man he'd be 74 now.

When men of forty something leave their first wives, also forty something, and get themselves a 20 something girlfriend, it's not because younger is better, it's because it's easier to impress.

Mad isn't it.

Yep more naive and ready to stroke their ego. Put up with their bullshit

Reading this thread along with the one about the brother in law and his new younger girlfriend is thought provoking.

OP, his male friends may like you but I wonder what their wives think?

Speaking from personal experience of being the daughter of one of these fathers, please don't go shopping and definitely don't expect this to go well. Don't go for 'cool aunt vibes', you can maybe shoot for 'new work colleagues from different departments vibes'. If you play your cards right then his name, and not yours, will be mud when she tells her mates afterwards how horribly weird the whole thing is for her.
I met Dads partner at 18, they have now been together well over 15 years and I get along with her brilliantly, she's sensible, hardworking and the extent of her effort with me is to make sure she has my favourite snacks in when I visit. I'm genuinely happy for him but it took a long time and if they'd had kids it would have been totally different.
It's good he's telling her in advance, gives her an opportunity to decide whether she wants to face the first meeting sober. I've got 3 close friendships with others in a similar position to me and I'm lucky to be the only one that's got a cordial relationship with the younger partner. Tho mine has now aged up to the point it's not considered so weird. You'll get there, but even if have the loveliest of intentions, I'd plan for it to go badly.

What a creep he is. You sound naive, and not a little arrogant. Your plan to play happy families is doomed to failure I'd say.

There is always an element on these threads of fury that a single older man has been removed from the potential marriage market dressed up in faux concern about power imbalance.

@Rosindub Some posters perhaps.
The thread was originally about being introduced to his 18-year-old though, that’s what many of us are commenting on.