Meeting Boyfriend's Daughter -age gap relationship advice

[Stepppingontoes]

Hello mumsnet, this might be a bit long because there's a bit of context. I (23) have been with my boyfriend (40) for a year and a half now and we are thinking of moving in together, so he thinks it's time I met his daughter (18). I know age gap relationships are controversial on mumsnet so let me get some context clear:- we met in real life, he used to come into my work a lot and we hit it off. He was not out trawling tinder for 20 somethings. - I thought he was younger, about 30 because he looks good for his age (and in general in my opinion) and because he would always come in with his dad and his dads friends who are 60s, so next to them he looked young. - No, he was not married when I met him. Had been divorced for 10 years. - He does not normally date younger, ex wife is older, ex long term GF was two years younger. - I do not normally date anyone significantly older than me, have always said 30 is my hard cut off but I guess God had other plans. - Yes my family do know, they have met him and like him. My parents were a bit hostile at first but he won them over. - I will be moving into his house and his daughter sometimes stays there when she's back from uni. Just including these things because I think they're relevant and I feel like they answer the common questions. He has had regular contact with his daughter and she knows he has a girlfriend, she wants to meet me. He has only introduced one girlfriend to his daughter since he split with her mum so I am feeling pressure. I am looking for general tips, ideas for where to go/what to do (I was thinking maybe a nice pub quiz or something I know she likes a quiz). Obviously I am also looking for advice on the elephant in the room... she will definitely know I'm younger than her dad when she sees me. Her dad says she's not asked how old I am and he hasn't approached it with her. My gut feeling is that he should mention it before we meet, but I really don't know. I feel like maybe if she was prepared for the shock it would help? I don't know if I'm overthinking this. Any advice would be great. I posted this to step parenting but on retrospect it's probably better on relationships. Also no one responded and I'm really in need of some advice Ps sorry if there's typos English instead my first language!

"god he's really done a number on you. He must be fucking delighted with himself, such arrogance"
^THIS^ in spades
No woman his own age would put up with this type of shit, and he knows it.

I think that’s a bit harsh, @Rosindub
Personally, I can understand that it would be shocking to my DD (18) to realize that either of her parents was in a relationship with someone close to her own age. Many of her friends have siblings who are 23, for example. It would be like realizing that Dad could fancy X’s older sister or I fancy Y’s older brother!

17 years seems an enormous age gap when you’re 18, it’s almost double your own age.

Such a large age gap wouldn't work for me, but it seems to be working for you OP. It sounds as if you're being sensible, taking things slowly (I agree that moving closer is better than moving in at this point), have realistic expectations re daughter etc.

To maybe reassure yourself and friends/family who might worry, have you thought of writing down a list of boundaries that you would need to be feel fulfilled in the relationship? E.g. meeting your friends by yourself 1 per week, always having an emergency fund of 3-6 months expenses to fall back on, sharing chores equally, always being spoken to respectfully etc etc.

Then every couple of months or so, read over your list and check with yourself that the relationship is still on the right path and that your boundaries aren't being stepped over. It's what I did (in a different context) and it reassured me I wasn't in some sort of boiling frog scenario.

he has helped me reflect on my behaviour at times and it's resulted in me realising I have been immature or harsh. He doesn't make fun of me for it or make me feel bad about it though which I appreciate.

Of course you're immature at times. You're 23! So instead of being able to just grow up in your own time, in your own way, you have this old man telling you how to behave and how to think. He doesn't make you feel bad about it? But of course you do feel bad about it, how could you not? These are criticisms of your character and of course you feel you want to change for him. Be more gentle and forgiving, be more 'mature' (according to his lights).

It's manipulative - can you see that? It gives him so much power. Because he can tell you anything. It's so immature to expect sexual fidelity. It's so immature to have needs he doesn't want to meet. It's so immature to expect to go out with your friends. It's harsh of you to criticise him when he does something wrong.

Btw, I doubt very much that your parents have accepted him because he makes you happy. They're accepting him because they don't want to alienate you. They're not going to make you choose. I expect your dad in particular thinks he's disgusting.

So, a 40 year old man is leaving his 23 year old girlfriend to work out how to make sure the meeting with his 18 year old daughter goes well? I'm sorry, but if your man thinks this is OK then he's either thick as the wall, or he really couldn't care less about either of you. There is no way this woman is not going to be extremely shocked, and possibly also disgusted by your relationship, and if she fails to hide it then this could be very upsetting for you too.
A 40 year old father of a teen has the life experience to know this, so what's wrong with your man that he's letting it go ahead anyway?

Just shows the power imbalance in these type of relationships even if you can’t see it yourself.

I wonder if those on here who said they are in a long term large age gap relationship which started when you were very young, look back honestly and accept there was a power imbalance

The vast majority of men (of all ages) will be sexually attracted to women in their 20s. You'd have to be very naive to think otherwise.

Not just men @PeggyPoggleshaw!

It’s acting on it when you have a child close in age to them that’s less common. Many parents just wouldn’t for that reason.

Yhe I tell him when he's being a dick. He can sometimes be a bit of a snob for example especially when we first met, and I found that really annoying so I would tell him. Over time he's changed and now is much less snobby. He can also be really blunt and not always realise that he comes off that way (part of the reason I was stressed about him talking to his daughter) but he has gotten much better with that as well. A lot of the things he's said about me being harsh or immature have been in relation to my friends and how I have treated them - he has defiantly helped me become a more considerate friend.

This is actually a really good idea (in general) I will definitely do that! All the things you mentioned are things I would take as a given, but I think writing them down is probably still a really good idea.

Hi OP, I was nearly afraid to read the replies to this as I knew it would be ‘fun, he’s a creep, you’re a silly immature girl’ etc etc

my DH is 15 years older than me. Met when I was 24 and we’re married and have our beautiful baby and as happy as the day is long. Have our normal disagreements like any other couple but no he isn’t manipulating me, he isn’t a creep and I’m not immature so (sorry I know this isn’t the point of your post) but sorry that you have to deal with those comments from some mumnetters who offer no help or advice only troll like judgement. I hope the view is nice from their pedestal!

anyway - I definitely think the daughter should be told about you. Not even in a ‘she’s 23’ way but ‘my girlfriend’s name is x, she’s like y and z, she’s 23, she’s from such and such a place etc’ so it’s not made a big deal out of by your bf.

she will probably address it but over time it’ll be fine.

hope everything goes perfect x

@PeggyPoggleshaw but most wouldn't act on it. Would they ?!

@Shoehire3 Of course it might be fine, people are just warning her to tread carefully.

How did you feel at 18 when your Dad got together with a 23-year-old?

@BruFord he didn’t? Wtf are you talking about

sorry that you have to deal with those comments from some mumnetters who offer no help or advice only troll like judgement.

Loads of women have given OP advice and shared their own experiences, same as you have. Just because your experience has been positive, doesn't mean the majority of women sharing less positive experiences are trolling.

You say you're not immature but this comment seems to give the lie to that.

Isn't it funny how the comments from people who see no issues with this situation are all about how older women are 'embittered' or 'troll like'?

Yeah that does sounds a bit suspicious, meeting the daughter throws up more
Trouble down the line , but if you go with friends to a public place you may know more about the situation and significantly more information find out more before you do meet up.

Even google the name
And email of the new guy.

@Stepppingontoes I thought you maybe had a handle on this until I read the following:

EDIT - just seen your response about making me a better person - he has taught me loads of things, and helps me be a bit more reflective. He doesn't do the 'you're so mature for your age' thing that a lot of older men do, but he has helped me reflect on my behaviour at times and it's resulted in me realising I have been immature or harsh. He doesn't make fun of me for it or make me feel bad about it though which I appreciate. Also a big one is stress management - I am considerably less of a stresshead and it has made my life so much better from personal relationships to grades.

In other words you are not maturing naturally and organically - you are being fed what HE considers to be good and appropriate behaviour. We should be able to develop our own personalities not create one which suits someone else's definition of what is immature or harsh.

There's no way he's going to be able to drop 'she's 23' in unnoticed between 'she works in a bank and has a cat called Clive' like by acting as if it's nothing the girl will be somehow fooled. That's very optimistic and pretty insensitive tbh. Your father having a girlfriend that age when you're 18 would be a pretty big deal for most young women, as a lot would see their father in a very different (creepy) light. The least he can do is sit her down and tell her properly.

There’s a reason he hasn’t already told her your age. If you were similar age to him I bet she would know and would probably have met you by now

Not if they were already in a relationship, or at least they shouldn't. But if they're single, and there's a mutual attraction, why not?

No hold on it’s not fair to say people are basing it on experiences. There’s loads of comments with assumptions such as he’s manipulative, he’s trying to make OP financially dependent on him etc based purely on his age and no other factors. That’s not experience? My advice actually is my real life experience of the biases and shitty assumptions because of being in a relationship with an age gap.

ps I didn’t the daughter wouldn’t notice it. I’m saying don’t make a big deal out of it.

You can do better.

@PeggyPoggleshaw I respect what you are saying but I honestly could not get past the closeness in age to his daughter.

I would disown my dad for this.