DP pulled back from affair and told me

[Tartanboots]

Sorry it's a bit long!

My DP works with a younger woman and when she started working there, about a year ago, he said her behaviour was overly flirty and attention seeking, both with him and with other blokes. He mentioned this to others also, and they agreed (he says). All her friends seem to be male incidentally (he says) I was not overly bothered, some people are just like that. She is married with young children.

He started talking about her daily. We were on holiday and she was messaging him early in the morning- about a work emergency (he says). I was annoyed at that. He started staying up late on WhatsApp. I was a bit concerned but he just said he was reading stuff his brother has sent him. I said it was a bit weird that she would message him on his personal number out of hours, rather than at work, he would shrug it off as that is what they all do at his work, which is true.

Before Christmas a mutual male friend of DP and this woman told DP she was splitting from her husband. She said to this friend and others at work that her husband had banned her from having coffee or lunch with blokes at work.

Last week DP said she's been seen looking dreadful and parks her car in a different place from before so she doesn't have to see anyone going in or out of the building.

This weekend he's been very stressed and down. He said he is sick of women coming on to him and trying to use him for attention and to distract themselves from their own poor relationships. Specifically women from his work, and this woman in particular. He said he realised what she was up to ie wanting an affair, and that it would wreck his life if he did so, so he has pulled back from it and has distanced himself.

He said he told me all this in the hope it would make our relationship better. As we have been distant lately and he doesn't like it as he wants us to be happy together so he isn't "that person" who goes looking for extra sex as they're not getting it at home, like that woman, and potentially him.

Over the last few days, more details emerged, like she said to him it was his indifference that made her interested (he'd asked why she was interested in a 50 year old bloke) and that was when he realised the contact had gone too far, she was being more than just flirty, and he started being distant, not replying to messages. This was about 2 months ago he says, so around the time her marriage difficulties were mentioned by the mutual friend.

I had a go at him when I got in from work today because I just don't know what to think. I knew something was off in the summer and now various things are popping into my head like why did his messages suddenly stop showing content on his lock screen, and other things like his lack of interest in sex.

He had a massive go at me after I got angry, saying all he wants is to make things better and that was the reason he told me, he didn't fuck her or touch her in any way, he is not attracted to her as he sees her for what she is (an attention seeking temptress presumably), he wouldn't have told me at all if there was something serious going on and I am being unfair giving him a hard time.

I just can't understand why he told me. If he realised he was getting into an inappropriate situation and stopped it surely that's that, why tell me? I can't compete with a 34 year old at 50 and I'm not going to try. I get he wants to make our relationship better as do I, but telling me he's nearly shagged someone is not helping at all.

I asked if he'd blocked her and he hasn't as she's stopped messaging now anyway so he feels he doesn't need to.

We've lived together for 6 years, both previously divorced, joint mortgage, no kids together, I've got 2 teenagers. Both work full time.. I'm not fat or unattractive but the other woman is much more attractive than me, from what I've seen of her, and throwing herself at him as well, wow.

Am I being unfair to him by being angry and not being sure how I feel about this yet?

I have a personal mobile and a work mobile and always will. It appears to be standard for most people I know.

If I leave,I don't want to have to change my number and don't want work related calls if I keep the number.

I don't want work to have access to my photos, what apps I've downloaded (used to be on dating apps), what Google searches I make, private WhatsApp messages, how much time I'm on MNs etc.

It allows me to keep work and personal life completely separate. Time off it time off etc.

Maybe to pre warn each other of dissapointed partner behaviour.

Also is his work involved, could there be complaint going on.

Anyway you know him op, it's his second marriage so maybe you know a little of his previous behaviour, people don't change. It also sounds a dreadful place to work, full of immature arseholes.

I'd just think he was a creepy, slag.

Thanks for the replies.
We've had further talks and the more that comes out, the less bad it seems which is not what I expected.
Clearly still not good as there was an emotional connection there at one time, which he realises totally.
He's not being defensive any more and has decided to block her (but still they could be in touch at work, so not sure how significant that is).
I'm pretty sure his attachment to her, whatever it was, is no longer a problem but I'll be more proactive if anything occurs like this in the future. I won't be putting up with caginess. It's up to him to put a stop to things like this, if he wants to be with me.
There are no issues with work complaints, or any dodgy previous behaviour whilst married, that I know of.
Thank you to everyone who's contributed to this, it's really helped me.

I think your reaction was totally reasonable.

We've had further talks and the more that comes out, the less bad it seems which is not what I expected.

Are you sure that that's not because he's very manipulative and paints himself as a saint? "Interested in me because I was so disinterested?"

He's unlikely to say anything incriminating,
Have you seen any of their messages?

@Tartanboots I went through and read your posts only and my take on it is that he's telling you the truth. Rather unusually for a man who finds himself in this sort of situation, I think he has been honest with you because he knows that he's allowed this situation to carry on beyond acceptable boundaries and he wants your help in mending the potential damage to his and your life together.

He hasn't swept it under the carpet and hope it goes away, like a lot of people would probably do. It does sound to me like he feels ashamed that he allowed the situation to escalate.

It was probably a mixture of him loving the attention, and also not thinking about the potential consequences of continuing communication with this woman, which has led to the situation escalating to the stage where you have to wonder if he's done something more. A lot of people don't have the ability to project the potential consequences of their actions now into the future until things become more serious.

@Pirelli
Why did he have a massive go at the OP then when she got angry? and that she was unfair giving him a hard time?

How is not allowing her to have her feelings on it going to mend the damage?
Also anyone who 'owned up' to something like that would expect and allow their partner to be angry.

Don't forget that when the OP was suspicious of this he also played it down too.

Absolutely this. If there's nothing to hide you don't take steps to hide texts and so on. I'd say they've been found out and he's scrambling to put together his own story before you hear what happened. Up to you if you trust him but I'd want to see both sides of this.

You have every right to be upset. Being honest is best at the time it's happening.

I agree that a cheater will get angry in order to deflect. But an innocent person could also get angry when someone is suggesting they have done something they haven't. I wouldn't describe him as innocent as he's definitely pushed boundaries but it sounds from what the OP says that he's realised that he has done this (pushed boundaries and enjoyed the attention for a while but now realises that it could have got out of hand).
Of course, he could have pushed the boundaries beyond what he is admitting to, and he could be a brilliant liar. I was taking what OP has reported he has said at face value on the assumption he was being honest with OP. I can see your argument, and it's difficult to call actually, I see that now.

He could be lying yes. And it could be "getting in first" with his vanilla version, as they've been rumbled and I was about to be told much more. But he also knows I can get in touch with her or her husband and then if he was lying, he'd be likely to be found out.
I think his anger at me being angry at him was more that I'd taken it quite calmly at first when he told me, and then reacted angrily 2 days later once I had properly absorbed it all. But he does now get it, that I'm at liberty to feel exactly how I need to feel about him doing this, which he knows was totally wrong.

Sorry just saw your update post OP. Happy to hear you're moving forward in a way that works for you.

I'm so shocked by these responses. The guy tried to emotional manipulate you by expecting you to do something to prevent him from sticking his wick elsewhere. If he doesn't want to be 'that guy', then that's his responsibility to manage. The old 'she seduced me!' argument is a tale as old as time. Conveniently, men's weakness is always the fault of a woman in close proximity.

He wasn't angry she was flirting with him. He was angry she was flirting with him because her marriage is a disaster. He thought he was attractive enough, funny enough, smart enough to compete with this woman's husband and that's what appealed to his ego. The moment he learned there wasn't a competition, he became angry with her. Because that was the moment he realised he wasn't special. Just available.

This woman is not a succubus. Your partner is a weak man and he's expecting you to take the blame for the reason he's emotionally left you. Thing is though? If you choose not to communicate difficulties with your partner and then go looking elsewhere, you never wanted to fix it. He's just looking for someone else to blame but himself.

He will absolutely cheat the next time someone flatters his ego.

This is a fair point @NothingVenturedAndAllThat

@Tartanboots can you open up a discussion to say ‘what if this happens again?’
If he tells you ‘we’re done discussing it and need to move on’ that’s a red flag

He is covering his arse. I say that as someone who has had an affair.

Ooo you're brave admitting that here. Watch out for the vipers 🫣

Same I'm 46 and way better looking than lots of 35 year Olds. The average man who hits on me is 32-38. That's way too young for me as I prefer an older man but it does make me feel good. I get botox and fillers but this generation just looks good for the most part. I'm far from over and love to tell people my age as they are stunned.

Op you sound lovely and your husband sounds nice too. However I'm sorry to say my overriding feeling (and obviously it's just that!) is he has only given you a half story.

I hope you can both move on from this.

I know, I know. I'm not proud of it. I can't change the past though, and when you've been in an affair you really can spot it from a mile off.

Sorry to say but I think his anger is guilt.
He is trying to brush it under the carpet and silence you into not mentioning it again.
Listen to your gut.

Pretty gross seeing women putting other women down based on nothing more than their perceived attractiveness to men.

Internalised misogyny has a lot to answer for.

I see this as the conversation that should happen when things aren't going well in a relationship, instead of deciding to start an affair. It is a warning that one or both parties aren't getting their needs met, and it gives you the opportunity to work on it together. It is good that he had enough self-awareness to stop it before it was too late (although it would have been nice if he'd noticed he was on a dangerous path a bit sooner), and, imo, his honesty actually shows that he does have some respect for you.

As someone who has been cheated on in the past, as much as it would hurt I would have appreciated being told there was an issue in our relationship. Instead of being allowed to carry on as normal while being devastatingly betrayed behind my back.

I do hope this is the case for you, rather than him only telling you half of the truth.

This conversation has only come about because the shits hit the fan somewhere.

He didn't confide this to his partner earlier and nip it in the bud, no he enjoyed the buisness pleasure time at work and the fact that his friend is involved with this shows that there is much more to this than meets the eye.

I wouldn't trust him with a barge pole.

Why can't you compete with a 34 year old!?

Why would anyone want to???