DP pulled back from affair and told me

[Tartanboots]

Sorry it's a bit long!

My DP works with a younger woman and when she started working there, about a year ago, he said her behaviour was overly flirty and attention seeking, both with him and with other blokes. He mentioned this to others also, and they agreed (he says). All her friends seem to be male incidentally (he says) I was not overly bothered, some people are just like that. She is married with young children.

He started talking about her daily. We were on holiday and she was messaging him early in the morning- about a work emergency (he says). I was annoyed at that. He started staying up late on WhatsApp. I was a bit concerned but he just said he was reading stuff his brother has sent him. I said it was a bit weird that she would message him on his personal number out of hours, rather than at work, he would shrug it off as that is what they all do at his work, which is true.

Before Christmas a mutual male friend of DP and this woman told DP she was splitting from her husband. She said to this friend and others at work that her husband had banned her from having coffee or lunch with blokes at work.

Last week DP said she's been seen looking dreadful and parks her car in a different place from before so she doesn't have to see anyone going in or out of the building.

This weekend he's been very stressed and down. He said he is sick of women coming on to him and trying to use him for attention and to distract themselves from their own poor relationships. Specifically women from his work, and this woman in particular. He said he realised what she was up to ie wanting an affair, and that it would wreck his life if he did so, so he has pulled back from it and has distanced himself.

He said he told me all this in the hope it would make our relationship better. As we have been distant lately and he doesn't like it as he wants us to be happy together so he isn't "that person" who goes looking for extra sex as they're not getting it at home, like that woman, and potentially him.

Over the last few days, more details emerged, like she said to him it was his indifference that made her interested (he'd asked why she was interested in a 50 year old bloke) and that was when he realised the contact had gone too far, she was being more than just flirty, and he started being distant, not replying to messages. This was about 2 months ago he says, so around the time her marriage difficulties were mentioned by the mutual friend.

I had a go at him when I got in from work today because I just don't know what to think. I knew something was off in the summer and now various things are popping into my head like why did his messages suddenly stop showing content on his lock screen, and other things like his lack of interest in sex.

He had a massive go at me after I got angry, saying all he wants is to make things better and that was the reason he told me, he didn't fuck her or touch her in any way, he is not attracted to her as he sees her for what she is (an attention seeking temptress presumably), he wouldn't have told me at all if there was something serious going on and I am being unfair giving him a hard time.

I just can't understand why he told me. If he realised he was getting into an inappropriate situation and stopped it surely that's that, why tell me? I can't compete with a 34 year old at 50 and I'm not going to try. I get he wants to make our relationship better as do I, but telling me he's nearly shagged someone is not helping at all.

I asked if he'd blocked her and he hasn't as she's stopped messaging now anyway so he feels he doesn't need to.

We've lived together for 6 years, both previously divorced, joint mortgage, no kids together, I've got 2 teenagers. Both work full time.. I'm not fat or unattractive but the other woman is much more attractive than me, from what I've seen of her, and throwing herself at him as well, wow.

Am I being unfair to him by being angry and not being sure how I feel about this yet?

This too.

The vast, vast, vast majority of 50ish blokes don't even register on a 30-something women's romantic radar.

(Unless they're like Rose Hanburys husband level of richness).

Workplace sounds like a cesspit of gossipy elderly men thinking this younger woman is trying to pursue and seduce them.

Down to analysing every little thing she does and putting their Mills and Boon spin on it, and working out which one of them will "have" her.

Handshake on the first day at work = "She deliberately caressed my hand with her bosom heaving. I could have taken her there and then".

And if she tries to put up boundaries and parks her car elsewhere its not because she's trying to detach/protecting herself from gossip, its because her husband is trying to control her behaviour and is afraid of her insatiable desire for a geriatric lover.

All this stuff her husband has "allegedly" said about her so-called seductive behaviour...sounds like an old geezers fantasy to me.

Do you think that he is usually very open and honest with you about other things in general or is this bout of openness unusual?

I think if there was nothing going on most men wouldn’t tell their wives about women flirting with them at work as it would cause too much concern …..which this has….I find it quite unusual that he has been telling you all about it

Thanks for all the replies. I was asking if my angry reaction was reasonable, not for reassurance, as obviously no-one here can provide that. The replies have been really useful as it is clearly not an unreasonable reaction, though some have said it's an unfair one, if his words and intentions are to be taken at face value.
He's certainly not claiming to be a victim of harassment. I think there may have been elements of that initially in her flirty approaches, but not once he started replying to messages. He said he enjoyed the attention.
We didn't speak after the row last night and had an angry exchange of messages this morning after he'd gone to work, where he said if I wanted more details I'd have to ask her, as he's done with talking about it as he didnt lay a finger on her and he's told me all there is to tell, which I was not going to accept at all. So I called him and he did then tell me a load more details about how it had arisen, how they'd communicated, why he'd only told me now. All fairly banal and no additional revelations, absolutely adamant they had no physical contact and he told me because he knew his behaviour was wrong and he didn't want to continue keeping it from me.
My gut says he's telling the truth, which is bad enough, as it was a secret emotional connection lasting months.
Lots to think about, including whether I'm going to contact her husband or not.

Yes he is open. I am less emotional and sharey which I think is an issue for us generally. He's been far more open than I would be, had I been in his shoes, but this is normal for him.

I’ve read your posts with interest as I’m kind of going through the same but I think I’ve caught it at an earlier point and I’m monitoring the situation. When I asked my DH about out of hours texts he got very angry at me questioning his integrity which I took as defensive him hiding stuff. I’m still undecided on his feelings (I think he enjoys the attention but would never take it further as we have a strong bond) but I’m fairly certain she has her sights on him in some way. She’s younger attractive, lots of male friends, in a relationship but clearly wants the attention of my DH too. Some women are so needy and pathetic. Some like the idea of taking someone else’s partner to prove they can. It’s sad. They’re sad inadequate people... If my DH had done as your partner has and ‘come clean’ I think I’d be on an emotional rollercoaster too like it sounds like you are as there’s a lot to process. However, on balance, I think I’d appreciate his honesty and be grateful he’s wised up to her and wants to invest in you not seek an affair which was clearly on offer. So my advice is thank him, explain it has spun you out but thank him for his honestly. Feelings are complicated but his actions sounds like those of a man with integrity. Sounds like you’ve bagged a good one (that clearly others want too) this is how I’m managing my feelings at the moment - framing it in the context of I’ve got a man other women want but he’s with me so they can jog on. good luck I hope this works out for you both. She sounds unhinged. Don’t let her damage the special relationship you have with your DP xx

This made me laugh. (They're not that bad thankfully)

I think a lot of 30 year olds quite like the idea of ‘having’ a 50 year old man eat out of the palm of their hands, or get a thrill from ‘stealing’ them from their wives. I know a couple of women like this. They’re both very messed up from childhood and like the constant drama and attention. So I don’t think this is unlikely that she’s perused him and others for her own needs.

Thank you. Very interesting and I'm sure you're right that you've nothing to worry about. Some women do need male attention and men are all too happy to provide it.
I too was faced with defensiveness when I questioned him, so I backed off as I didn't want to seem like I didn't trust him.
I wouldn't do that again, I'd pursue it all guns blazing. Which is a bit unfair if they are innocent and could drive them away if repeated, but I'd be persistent with it now, at least if there were also distancing behaviours, along with the evening texting.

Still wondering now and why she has personal number, when she could easily communicate on his work phone?

It's the defensiveness that seems wrong. Also don't confuse wallowing in self pity with him being ashamed.

His personal number is on his work calendar. They all use personal phones to communicate outside of work hours or if working from home. Hasn't been an issue usually.

Funny how middle age men always get a bad case of mentionitus, out of hours messaging, and helping younger women isn’t it? It’s never Arnold the sixty year old guy in accounts who they take an extra special interest in.

Yes - and funny how it's the 35 year old falling all over herself for him. As a 35 year old women, I see the men 50 and older at work like dad figures. There is one who is like a mentor to me and I've confided in him in the past but if he thought it was anything romantic I would be horrified. I wonder if DP got the wrong end of the stick and she's actually engaged in an affair with someone else and leaving her husband over it, DP has just found that out hence he is so down. But that's complete conjecture.

This is what DP said about her marriage difficulties actually. This was when their mutual friend told him of them, weeks before he told me about his own attachment to the woman, and DP said then that he knew she was looking for an affair/ s and that he thinks she's actually had a full on affair with someone else, her husband has found out hence the bans on her lunching with male colleagues etc. He said he was glad to have ended his contact with her as he knew that would happen. Which is plausible.. but so is him being the cause of her marriage issues as it all seemed very coincidental time wise.

What effect did he want?

Probably a round of applause and a pat on the back for being such a good boy and not shagging around, and your undying gratitude that he chose you instead of her.

He didn't expect your reaction, and now of course he needs to find some way of blaming you for his brush with temptation.

My guess would either be that what the husband found out about your partner was bad enough and your partner is concerned you'll find out, or that she had a full affair with someone else and he is jealous and sad. I don't think you're getting the full story.

Also, the fact that he's had a flirty exchange before at least once would suggest to me that all his finger wagging at this woman for being inappropriate at work is really projection on his part or at least seeing in someone else something that he doesn't like about himself.

Sounds like typical male pack behaviour whereby they were all chasing after her, and she was enjoying them all fight for her attention.

Now the real question is who took it that step further, your h definitely initiated or encouraged the communication but did he manage to score the goal. Only this ow's husband can tell you, forget calling her, she's probably blocked you anyway.

His stress could be due to having the possibility of an angry husband on his hands, he needs your relationship back on track so you support him if this man turns up. He's probably shitting himself.

He sounds like a liar to me.

Your husband said to you 'go and ask her then'....id do that to call his bluff. Id say to her this is only between me and you... no need to involve husbands...then id ask her.

I’m sure you’re quite a catch but slagging off another woman is very unattractive and frankly sounds a bit insecure 🤔

Does anyone still have a work phone in these days of hybrid working and office hoteling? I haven't had an office phone for 6+ years.

All fairly banal and no additional revelations, absolutely adamant they had no physical contact and he told me because he knew his behaviour was wrong and he didn't want to continue keeping it from me.

So at least, he recognises that his behaviour wasn’t ok.

Assuming that he is telling the truth, then I agree with him that working on being closer again is a good thing.
But it would start with being clear that the distance is a consequence of his behaviour.
Maybe having a chat about boundaries could be helpful too.
eg no constant contact with work like he has done with that woman.

I thought most people had a work mobile.
I mean that’s something I’ve had for the last 20 years….
I would refuse to use my own mobile for work purposes. Too much of being dragged into work/working mode out of work.

His behaviour and words don’t line up
personally I think he’s covering his arse
sorry op
id be watching hi like a hawk tbh

He had an affair and either she dumped him or else it didn't progress as he wanted so he is getting his story in place.

His been threatened that his going to be thrown under the bus so his got in there first throwing her under!

Hid the notifications on WhatsApp and now still won’t block her. If she doesn’t text anymore, what’s the problem in blocking her?

Id be wary, personally.