DP pulled back from affair and told me

[Tartanboots]

Sorry it's a bit long!

My DP works with a younger woman and when she started working there, about a year ago, he said her behaviour was overly flirty and attention seeking, both with him and with other blokes. He mentioned this to others also, and they agreed (he says). All her friends seem to be male incidentally (he says) I was not overly bothered, some people are just like that. She is married with young children.

He started talking about her daily. We were on holiday and she was messaging him early in the morning- about a work emergency (he says). I was annoyed at that. He started staying up late on WhatsApp. I was a bit concerned but he just said he was reading stuff his brother has sent him. I said it was a bit weird that she would message him on his personal number out of hours, rather than at work, he would shrug it off as that is what they all do at his work, which is true.

Before Christmas a mutual male friend of DP and this woman told DP she was splitting from her husband. She said to this friend and others at work that her husband had banned her from having coffee or lunch with blokes at work.

Last week DP said she's been seen looking dreadful and parks her car in a different place from before so she doesn't have to see anyone going in or out of the building.

This weekend he's been very stressed and down. He said he is sick of women coming on to him and trying to use him for attention and to distract themselves from their own poor relationships. Specifically women from his work, and this woman in particular. He said he realised what she was up to ie wanting an affair, and that it would wreck his life if he did so, so he has pulled back from it and has distanced himself.

He said he told me all this in the hope it would make our relationship better. As we have been distant lately and he doesn't like it as he wants us to be happy together so he isn't "that person" who goes looking for extra sex as they're not getting it at home, like that woman, and potentially him.

Over the last few days, more details emerged, like she said to him it was his indifference that made her interested (he'd asked why she was interested in a 50 year old bloke) and that was when he realised the contact had gone too far, she was being more than just flirty, and he started being distant, not replying to messages. This was about 2 months ago he says, so around the time her marriage difficulties were mentioned by the mutual friend.

I had a go at him when I got in from work today because I just don't know what to think. I knew something was off in the summer and now various things are popping into my head like why did his messages suddenly stop showing content on his lock screen, and other things like his lack of interest in sex.

He had a massive go at me after I got angry, saying all he wants is to make things better and that was the reason he told me, he didn't fuck her or touch her in any way, he is not attracted to her as he sees her for what she is (an attention seeking temptress presumably), he wouldn't have told me at all if there was something serious going on and I am being unfair giving him a hard time.

I just can't understand why he told me. If he realised he was getting into an inappropriate situation and stopped it surely that's that, why tell me? I can't compete with a 34 year old at 50 and I'm not going to try. I get he wants to make our relationship better as do I, but telling me he's nearly shagged someone is not helping at all.

I asked if he'd blocked her and he hasn't as she's stopped messaging now anyway so he feels he doesn't need to.

We've lived together for 6 years, both previously divorced, joint mortgage, no kids together, I've got 2 teenagers. Both work full time.. I'm not fat or unattractive but the other woman is much more attractive than me, from what I've seen of her, and throwing herself at him as well, wow.

Am I being unfair to him by being angry and not being sure how I feel about this yet?

A vacuous 34 yr old? I've met many older vacuous women, it's not age related.

Cover story.

I agree

Do you believe him?

I don’t. He is getting ahead of the narrative.

Why did he distance himself from you over the summer?
Not interested in intimacy
Constant messaging
OW leaving her dh
Why didn’t he mention this was an issue months ago, when it started in the summer?
The affair sounds like it’s blown up and he is blaming her.
Wants to now try and save his relationship with you.

Please don’t wait until he walks out or you find out the truth, get your finances in order now. Make a plan. I am dealing with now with a relative. You have some red flags waving in your face, please protect yourself.

He’s sick of women coming into him 🤣, poor lamb. Utter bullshit he’s telling you.

I think he is being upfront. Take his word and move forward.

…she said to him that it was his indifference that made her interested.

He clearly invented this statement to manipulate you with the key word indifference, which is a lie. He’s never been indifferent about OW.

@Tartanboots, from the very beginning your P has had an agenda to spin a cover to throw off your suspicion and hide his infidelity in plain sight. Now his thirsty faithlessness is coming back to bite him. They’ve been rumbled and he foresees the fallout, so he’s getting in there first to manage you via his contrived ‘hussy/victim/hero’ story.

His intensely defensive response to your valid anger is a manipulative tactic to put you back in your lane. As usual, he feels entitled to control the narrative.

It’s likely that OW’s H has vital information about your life. I would contact him (without giving P a heads up) using a platform that OW can’t sabotage. Hopefully he can provide you with details and bring you out of the dark.

Before coming to any conclusions I’d want him to immediately give you both of his phones and I would be reading every single message between the two of them.
If he won’t hand the phones over, you know exactly what’s been going on.

So whilst I agree he's been a bit fishy with all this, just wanted to say. My affair started with someone at work, who massively came on to me and was relentless in his attention.
I did not know how to speak to my ex DH about it as he'd already blown his top the year before at an old friend of mine who was male and was paying me "too much attention" on social media, liking posts etc. literally nothing had happened, my mate lives hundreds of miles away but he banned me from having any contact.
So when this person at work started up, I was unable to speak to exDH and so I didn't tell him. And I deeply regret that now. Because that started a chain of events which ultimately led to the affair. The discovery. The divorce. The works.

Not trying to excuse your DH here just saying it may be that it's taken him some courage to raise it and discuss it and tell you what he's told you. Only you can decide if he's telling the truth or not because we don't know him. But reacting with anger may drive him into stopping talking to you and he then starts talking to others instead because he doesn't know how to raise it with you again

You are describing

a) A controlling relationship
b) Your ex dp’s suspicions did not drive the affair or the divorce (It seems he was spot on) You did that.

Talking through the stress of an infatuation in the work place and how to manage it, is a world away from messaging a colleague out of hours and checking out of your current relationship.

It seems you are blaming your ex dp for your own infidelity, which sounds incredibly dishonest to me.

Sorry OP but I think they've had an affair and she has dumped him. This is why he has been 'stressed and down'.

Maybe he was one of a pool of possible affair partners for her and didn’t get picked and is now backtracking.

I do not blame my ex for the affair. I've been through years of therapy post divorce so I know exactly what led to the affair thank you.

I was merely pointing out that if it's hard to talk to a DP about this stuff then you don't. And if you don't talk, then you push that conversation elsewhere and that can have other consequences. In my case,, the consequences were that I ended up building a relationship with someone I could talk to who was not my exH.

I was trying to help the OP keep the conversation going with her DH

Had he thought that when her marriage broke up he’d be picked and then wasn’t.

How can having a conversation or seeking support lead to an affair unless you are open to having one?

I have spoken to male colleagues and friends about some issues I have had, it didn’t lead to an affair.

I am all for keeping communication open but not because I don’t want them to speak to others. I also think op is being lied to. A trusting relationship should be able to withstand close and supportive relationships with others.

If she's such a terrible person, why did he want to get to know her so much? According to him, she's an evil seductress trying to tempt your poor loyal partner.

In reality, she's probably a 34 year old woman in a male dominated workplace trying to fend off sad, desperate old men who want to use her as a source of excitement in their unfulfilling lives, while still having to remain friendly or she will be labelled a bitch.

Maybe he's the one who has been sexually harassing her (which is way, way more likely - what does a 34 year old want with a 50 year old?!) and now the games up he's worried you're going to hear about his inappropriate behaviour from someone else so he's getting in there first.

@Newchapterbeckons I was not talking about any old conversation. I was talking about deep conversations about your relationship with your DP.
My perspective is that your primary person to talk to about your relationship is your DP. Yes you can support this with other friends. But I am simply saying if you CANNOT have that conversation at all with your DP because you are worried about their reaction then that gives rise to other problems.
I am not saying those other problems have to be affairs. I'm saying the conversation needs to be between the two people in the relationship. And that neither should shut down that conversation.
Anyway clearly I'm not the right person for this thread and I don't want this to be about me so I'm out.

Unless I’ve missed sit, he hasn’t apologised for letting himself get distracted by this woman to the extent that it interfered with your personal family time and holiday time.

he got to the point where he was hiding content on his phone

he’s hinted that people without enough sex might go looking for it elsewhere

yes I’d be cross. And curious as to why he’s telling me now. Something must have prompted it. He was happy enough to have secrets up until now.

hopefully it will all work out, but I would be wanting to get to the bottom of the above,

Tbf, it could easily lead to an emotional affair? If you're being emotionally abused and you develop a friendship with someone that you have to hide from your partner because they isolate you from friends generally and male friends in particular then it seems likely you might develop feelings for that person. Even more so seeing as you'll be isolated generally, so any friendship will feel more intense and nourishing.

Your relationship sounds suffocating and not being ‘allowed’ to speak because of jealousy and possessiveness is toxic for you. I am glad you have had therapy, and worked it through. It sounds like you were afraid to talk about your experiences and this fast tracked an intimate relationship with someone else. I have close relationships with men, but I also have a rock solid marriage I wouldn’t compromise. There is the difference.

I wonder if you were taken advantage of?

Op isn't shutting the conversation down, she has listened with good grace in my view, but has noticed the changes in her relationship. Questions whether she can trust a man seemingly checked out, and openly talking about someone at work.

You say he would be furious if it was the other way around yet he gets angry at you for being dissatisfied with his behaviour.

He blames you for a lack of affection

He went off sex with you

He says she complained to him about other men Late might messaging whilst Late night messaging with him.

I suspect this last thing was her trying to make herself seem instantly wanted to increase his interest.

But no way would he have been late night messaging with her and go off sex with you had there been no affair. Physically or emotionally there has been an affair.

This needs to be spelled out to him and he needs time acknowledge this before there is any chance of healing.

If you decide to believe his version of events, Although I still say he needs to report the harassment to HR as no harassment is acceptable in the work place, I would still research affairs and relationships. I would then set clear boundaries as to what you find unacceptable. It is then his choice to say he does or doesn’t accept your boundaries.

If I found myself single I would not date any man who believed in Unmet Needs being an acceptable reason to cheat. I’d far prefer to be single. A non monogamous relationship is fine as long as ALL parties are aware of the situation. Not believing in monogamy and fidelity is fine but not if you are pretending to be faithful. If being faithful and honest isn’t a core value it’s fine but don’t get married and pretend. It’s so easy to cheat nowadays, just download an app and a world of potential is there at your fingertips.

So I need to know why someone doesn’t cheat. Not because ‘I’m so happy with you and I love you’. Or ‘you are the one for me’. Well one day I’m going to piss you right off. Or I’ll be sick. Or grieving. Etc. Does that change the acceptability as your need to be happy/need for attention isn’t being met?

And I think mr ‘the ladies throw themselves at me’ encourages/doesn’t shut down this nonsense. Then he blames your lack of cuddles. Read about walls and windows. I choose to shut down such nonsense, I don’t start on the slippery slope thinking I’ll never cheat, it’s only a few ego kibbles. Anyone is capable of cheating it’s a choice not to start down that path. So I shut it off before it starts.

But if a story doesn’t make sense it’s always because part of the story is missing. And I think part of his story is missing.

Funnily enough I don't think you are being unfair at all.
Why unfair? Your partner "pulled back" from an affair, wow, what a self restrained hero.
Didn't catch if you have kids.
For me, that would be the end.

Wasn’t that gracious of him?
🙄
There’s far more behind his so thoughtful behaviour (not), I’m another thinking he’s definitely hiding something.