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Original poster

Well now my self esteem is in tatters

232 replies

Beepbeep18 · 24/02/2024 09:21

Few dates in with a man. On Thursday evening mid way through sex he says he ‘just doesnt find me that physically attractive’. Stopped and asked why he’d pursued dates before listing all the reasons I was a great catch and throwing him out of my house. Is this not just awful to say when vulnerable and also how do I now piece together my self esteem again lol

OP posts:
lightwhiteongrey · 25/02/2024 16:15

Alchemistress · 24/02/2024 17:48

I'm in my 50s and tubby and average looking but my husband adores me. I can assure you that this is absolutely not about you or how you look and everything about his own inadequacies.

This morning I was sitting on the train to work and there was a group of 4 blokes chatting VERY LOUDLY about the women they intended sleeping with this evening after the football/ pub. Pictures were passed around and all of the men commented on the women's pictures in various awful degrading ways. It was horrible to hear. They then were clearly watching some porn and passing that around too. It was absolutely vile.

They were nothing to write home about to look at either - to listen to them you'd think that the women would be crawling over broken glass to get at them. But no, just your usual dim, creepy young men in their 20s.

Just before I got off I went over and sat myself down on a seat opposite two of them and said ( very calmly, very conversationally, as I'd been practising in my head for the last few stops)

" Hello lads. Couldn't help overhearing your conversation there. Now I'm old and you probably won't listen to what I'm about to say. But one day some of you will have children and some of those children will be girls. And I don't think that you'd like to think that there were men like yourselves talking about your own daughters 'fucking huge gash' on public transport. So maybe you afford the women you're treating like shit the same respect, eh?"

I'd like to say that I was able to seamlessly finish my speech and glide off the train at my stop without breaking stride, while they sat in stunned and reverential silence, but instead I was left standing at the doors pressing the button helplessly while the train just sat at Denmark Hill for what seemed like an eternity while they called me a fat stupid cunt. Eventually the doors opened and I ran away.

I can only hope that I shamed just one of them even a little bit. I'm continually saddened by the way I see and hear men speak about women.

Respect. You are a total Shero.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/02/2024 16:19

Sceptical123 · 25/02/2024 15:18

I understand what you’re saying. Are you aware of the characteristics of people with ND?

Show quote history

The op isn't running a fucking charity for shit men, whether they have ND or not. It's not her job to accept horrible behaviour, no matter what the reasoning.

Notquitegrownup2 · 25/02/2024 16:33

Oh. My.

Look on the bright side op. Next time there's a MNet thread for 'Who has met the biggest waste of time/tosser online dating?' you get to win hands down!

So sorry that you had to go through this. It's definitely, definitely him not you.

fiddlemeg · 25/02/2024 16:53

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

fiddlemeg · 25/02/2024 16:57

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Geebray · 25/02/2024 17:01

What did he actually say, OP?

fiddlemeg · 25/02/2024 17:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

ClutchingOurBananas · 25/02/2024 17:07

Sceptical123 · 25/02/2024 15:18

I understand what you’re saying. Are you aware of the characteristics of people with ND?

Show quote history

Yes. I am aware. I am ND.

However the he might be ND here is entirely speculative.

Even so, this isn’t advice for a parent or teacher or employer. It is dating. Early dating.

The OP doesn’t have to make reasonable adjustments to enable this man to start in a relationship with her. If he is ND and wants to succeed in starting a relationship then HE needs to learn from this. It isn’t the OP’s job to make all sorts of accommodations and give him multiple chances.

It’s also unlikely that being ND is actually an excuse for insulting someone mid sex.

ClutchingOurBananas · 25/02/2024 17:11

BabyWorker · 25/02/2024 15:56

I agree with you.

Wires must have been crossed here as it doesn't make sense

Show quote history

Who cares if it makes sense or what he was thinking.

He behaved in a way that made the OP feel bad. So bad she stopped and told him to leave her house.

She doesn’t need to psychoanalyse him or diagnose him with autism or whatever to make it OK.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 25/02/2024 17:28

User135644 · 24/02/2024 09:45

Women often mock men's bodies too. Some people are just not nice.

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ODFOD.

Alwaystransforming · 25/02/2024 18:32

Sceptical123 · 25/02/2024 15:29

If OP has the impression he is a sleazy, desperate man with no other options sexually, and a profound lack of social skills or view of women that they are just suitable for sex, right. Why would he apologise?

Are you serious?

How about because if he gets op to feel bad and believe she over reacted m, he knows she will take a little bit more shit next. Then more and more. Because that’s what some people do.

Or maybe he is panicking and thinking that any sex is better than no sex and it’s easier to try and talk op round, than it is to find someone else. Again, lots of people (mainly men) do this. These men aren’t that fussed who they are having sex with.

If he gave a shit about her at all, he would have apologised then left her alone

Bobbotgegrinch · 25/02/2024 18:50

Beepbeep18 · 24/02/2024 14:37

weve slept together a fair bit. We’d also just finished having a conversation about my nerves around this (newish) dating situation and feeling unconfident.

Grasping at straws maybe but could this have been what was bothering him. Maybe it was going round his head that you didn't feel that confident about sleeping with him and didn't really want to.

I just struggle to think what else would make him want to stop having sex, while in the middle of it, other than worrying his partner wasn't really into it.

Notsuretoputit · 25/02/2024 19:11

Beepbeep18 · 25/02/2024 13:54

He has messaged me several times since explaining himself and it does make slightly more sense and now I’m worried I’ve over reacted

Exactly what did he say and what reasons did he give you? It really sounds so odd for him to just come out with that during sex. Is there absolutely no way you’ve misheard - did he say ‘I don’t just find you physically attractive?’, as in, he finds you attractive in other ways too? Otherwise it just is so insane.

ClutchingOurBananas · 25/02/2024 19:34

Bobbotgegrinch · 25/02/2024 18:50

Grasping at straws maybe but could this have been what was bothering him. Maybe it was going round his head that you didn't feel that confident about sleeping with him and didn't really want to.

I just struggle to think what else would make him want to stop having sex, while in the middle of it, other than worrying his partner wasn't really into it.

Show quote history

It sounds like the OP stopped the sex. He said something about him not finding her attractive and she stopped sex, then spoke to him and asked him to leave.

You’d think this would be a cut and dry case of everyone telling her she’d done the right thing and it’s a lucky escape for her.

But weirdly people are trying to find some justification for it and urging the OP to be sensitive, consider that she made him feel uncomfortable and give him more chances.

bloody hell.

Bobbotgegrinch · 25/02/2024 19:45

ClutchingOurBananas · 25/02/2024 19:34

It sounds like the OP stopped the sex. He said something about him not finding her attractive and she stopped sex, then spoke to him and asked him to leave.

You’d think this would be a cut and dry case of everyone telling her she’d done the right thing and it’s a lucky escape for her.

But weirdly people are trying to find some justification for it and urging the OP to be sensitive, consider that she made him feel uncomfortable and give him more chances.

bloody hell.

Show quote history

Ah fair enough, I read that wrong then.

In that case, I agree that OP is best of cutting running.

It just seems like such a weird thing for the bloke to say though. He's actually in the process of having sex, most men really aren't in the habit of trying to jeopardising that while it's happening!

Dhekaksnsjellfv · 25/02/2024 19:49

Beepbeep18 · 25/02/2024 13:54

He has messaged me several times since explaining himself and it does make slightly more sense and now I’m worried I’ve over reacted

I need to know how he’s convinced you this was an ok thing to say??

Planesmistakenforstars · 25/02/2024 20:11

What is it you think he should get another chance at? The words he said humiliated you, made you doubt your worth, made you feel shit. Stop thinking you owe him a chance and start thinking that you owe yourself more.

Original poster
Beepbeep18 · 25/02/2024 20:19

sorry I work at weekends so I haven’t had my phone on me to update really - just heading into a night shift.

it wasn’t a negging power play thing I don’t think but the only real explanation has been that it just came out b/c he struggles with feelings - but that he does find me attractive etc etc etc.

either way, I’m not getting into something where every time I take my clothes off I’m worried it’s going to happen again so I’m simply not replying.

and yes I didn’t block because part of me wanted to see the apologies and leave on read

OP posts:
lto2019 · 25/02/2024 20:26

SkatieKatie · 24/02/2024 09:41

He couldn't get it up so decided to blame you

You're well rid of him

I think this too - he sounds like he has ED and was hoping being with someone new would help - it didn't so tried to blame you. He is fucking awful .

newyearnewknees · 25/02/2024 21:38

His back tracking is doing nothing to redeem his actions. How does 'struggling with feelings' equate to 'saying the total opposite of what I mean'?

I could understand how 'struggling with feelings' could result in someone not opening up at all, but not mistakenly saying 'I don't find you attractive' instead of 'I DO find you attractive'.

For what it's worth, I don't believe that he finds you unattractive. I think it's much more likely that he's used the insecurities you have told him that you have, to make you feel even more insecure, and ever so grateful.

Catoo · 25/02/2024 23:14

Beepbeep18 · 25/02/2024 13:54

He has messaged me several times since explaining himself and it does make slightly more sense and now I’m worried I’ve over reacted

It’s hard to understand how it can ever make sense if he said those words.

However, if this was a miscommunication I think he would have been desperate to explain at the time.

Seems more likely he’s had a day or three to come up with some semi plausible explanation. But I for one can’t think what the fuck that could be!

Onwards and upwards OP
💐

Original poster
Beepbeep18 · 26/02/2024 08:55

For transparency he did try to explain but I told him and the horse he rode in on to fuck off immediately.

the vibe is a misspeak about how he struggles to say compliments and was worried that won’t be enough for me. However why this had to be brought up right then I don’t know. Five days on and not replied so thanks evertone

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 26/02/2024 09:11

Struggles to pay compliments but is very deft at insults.

What a dickhead.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/02/2024 09:21

BlastedPimples · 26/02/2024 09:11

Struggles to pay compliments but is very deft at insults.

What a dickhead.

And tries to turn insults into 'oh I mean the opposite really.' Who wants to spend their time decoding what someone actually meant?

Original poster
Beepbeep18 · 26/02/2024 09:52

Well, this is my point. Also irl friends think it was some masculine fragility projection that he felt threatened that he was possibly starting to like me (and also not to sound too up on myself but I’m quite accomplished for my age in a fair few areas of life clearly apart from choosing men lol) and that’s why he said it. Luckily we live quite far apart so won’t see him

OP posts: