Well now my self esteem is in tatters

[Beepbeep18]

Few dates in with a man. On Thursday evening mid way through sex he says he ‘just doesnt find me that physically attractive’. Stopped and asked why he’d pursued dates before listing all the reasons I was a great catch and throwing him out of my house. Is this not just awful to say when vulnerable and also how do I now piece together my self esteem again lol

You are disturbingly keen to encourage OP to stay in a relationship with someone whose behaviour was so appalling that she had to throw him out of her house and was so upset she posted for support on MN.

A short duration relationship, no kids no financial entanglements - that is the very best time to LTB. And it's way off the mark to imply that her choice is between this prince of a bloke and the cesspit of alternatives in OLD - it very much isn't. There are decent men out there and OP won't meet any of them if she settles for this level of shit.

Good! Please don't. There are better men out there.

Or she gives him another chance and he damages her self esteem even more. Makes her not trust her own judgement more. And she forgives him again.

and quickly find herself unable to to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship.

The block him. You don’t need his excuses or his reasoning.

You have started to doubt yourself just for reading them. And he hasn’t even taken the hint and left you alone. This isn’t someone to be in a relationship with.

There really isn’t any context that can make telling a woman you don’t find her physically attractive mid-thrust okay. Either he is entirely thoughtless, in which case this will not be the last time you are left upset by something he says, or he is a despicable negging twat, in which case you should run for the hills

OP has to live with wondering what if, she’s sounded unsure - again, were you there and have you spoken to him to get his side?

OP may be so convinced the man’s a shitty cunting fucking arsehole that she wouldn’t give it a second thought and happily carry on convinced she’s in the right and it was a bullet dodged. More power to her.

If hed hinted this was his character and he found her repulsive earlier fair enough. His behaviour was the polar opposite according to OP. Why can’t ppl be arsed to wonder why this was?

Yes. I cannot believe you’d advise a woman who stopped sex because he behaved unacceptably and told him to leave her house that she should give him another chance, because she might feel bad about not having given him a fair go. 🙄

So you’re saying she’s incapable of misunderstanding him because…?

this isn’t some knee jerk LTB thing.

It’s not even a LTB thing. It’s the extremely early stages of dating. Not even a relationship at this point.

This is him at peak trying to make a good impression.

No one should get or deserves a second chance after negging someone mid-sex a few dates in.

Years ago I dated a guy who wanted me to read his diary (he had some weird notion he might get it published one day 😂) I got to the part where he met me and he'd written "she's a bit plain". Needless to say I felt like crap after that but I let him talk me round. To get dumped a few months later. Oh and his diary was boring AF and I told him so!

I've learnt that a man needs to make you feel amazing. If he can't or won't, you're likely just a place marker for him, until he meets someone he actually wants to be with. I wouldn't let yourself get reeled back in.

Why are you so determined that the OP must be at fault for misunderstanding a man who told her mid-thrust that he doesn’t find her attractive?

That’s like being annoyed at a job interview panel for not hiring someone who tells them they have no intention of doing the job properly and just want the salary.

@ClutchingOurBananas

You aren’t running some rehabilitation programme for crap men.

I love this. This needs to be a sticker or something!

What if what?

What if the man that told me he didn’t think I was very attractive while his cock was inside me, was the one?

Don’t be ridiculous. Here’s a tip. When someone is reminiscing about their amazing relationship it never includes the above story. Ever.

absolutely no excuse for it. There was absolutely no reason for him to comment on her or her looks, at all.

You haven’t. You have self respect.

Above you say this please don’t fall back into this pattern - What’s actually nice is 5 years ago I probably wouldn’t have kicked him out, but I did this time. Progress in small ways ey

I understand what you’re saying. Are you aware of the characteristics of people with ND?

@Sceptical123 It may very well be because he is ND.
I was with someone ND who blurted things out. Does wonders for the self esteem...
This doesn't mean she should give him a second chance. I would never be with anyone like that again.

But we don’t know the whole context. If he was saying I can’t say you’re attractive - that doesn’t just mean one thing.

He could have meant he doesn’t have the appropriate words to say it without sounding weird - I’m not saying this is right.

Why would someone pursue a woman, give her no reason to suspect he thought she was physically unattractive, have sex with her multiple times - to tell her mid sex she was ugly? And THEN be surprised at her reaction and write a lengthy apology etc afterwards?

Why would he want to have sex with someone he wasn’t physically attracted to? Then apologise?

Surely - if he had this revelation mid sex-session - he would stop, himself, and then explain he wasn’t actually attracted to her and presumably wouldn’t want to see her again. He’s spoken to her afterwards and not said he doesn’t want to see her again.

Can anyone offer a plausible explanation other than he’s a massive shit and that’s that? It just doesn’t make sense

If you take one thing from this thread let it be that you have NOT over-reacted. 💜

If OP has the impression he is a sleazy, desperate man with no other options sexually, and a profound lack of social skills or view of women that they are just suitable for sex, right. Why would he apologise?

OP has to live with wondering what if, she’s sounded unsure - again, were you there and have you spoken to him to get his side?

No she doesn't have to live with wondering anything. This was a few dates, not a 30 year marriage. OP probably won't even recall what he looks like come Easter.

Who the hell cares about 'his side'? he's HAVING SEX with the OP and he says he doesn't find her attractive, then when he (quite rightly) gets booted out of OP's house he tries to backpedal by saying he 'didn't mean it.' What do you want - that she gets in contact with him so he can either a) put the boot in a bit more or b) weasel his way back into bed with her?

I’m not going to bother writing any more about this view as there seem to be a majority of posters who are determined to take the simplest view and that’s their right. I also have better things to do on a Sunday I’m glad to say.

Good luck OP in whichever way you decide to go. You asked for advice, at least you’ve received a more balanced opinion ✨

I agree with you.

Wires must have been crossed here as it doesn't make sense

Like it's the OP's right to say she's not carrying on with dating someone who makes her feel bad about herself.

Not read rest of thread but imagine by now 100 women have told you that he’s the type of man who gets his kicks with this sort of negging power play.

It’s not about you, it’s about him being an utter, utter arsehole, and a rather pathetic one at that.

It doesn’t matter if he is ND or NT. No one should be with someone who makes them feel
shit about themselves. Whether they did it intentionally or not is immaterial. They still make you feel shit.