Page 7 | Well now my self esteem is in tatters

Beepbeep18 · 2024-02-24T09:21:27+00:00

Few dates in with a man. On Thursday evening mid way through sex he says he ‘just doesnt find me that physically attractive’. Stopped and asked why he’d pursued dates before listing all the reasons I was a great catch and throwing him out of my house. Is this not just awful to say when vulnerable and also how do I now piece together my self esteem again lol

Sceptical123 · 24/02/2024 22:16

Beepbeep18 · 24/02/2024 14:37

weve slept together a fair bit. We’d also just finished having a conversation about my nerves around this (newish) dating situation and feeling unconfident.

Yeah I’ve read all your posts now and think he was genuine OP. I wouldn’t write him off. You’ve had sex multiple times, he was keen to date you. It makes sense after you saying about being vulnerable etc to him that he wanted to tread carefully and was just trying to say the right thing. I think you’ve got it wrong and I’d contact him if I were you.

The way you described it makes no sense for his behaviour but taking it that he was almost apologising that eh didn’t have the right words to tell you he found you attractive and to try to reassure you - sounds like it backfired on him big time bless him.

Unless there’s other instances of him behaving really badly and saying out of order stuff I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. I think he deserves another chance or at least for you to hear him out properly so he can try to explain more clearly.

Original poster

Beepbeep18 · 24/02/2024 22:17

I believe he may be ND but we’ve never had that discussion.

And no it was definitely i don’t find you - the context of the prior conversation also affirmed this, not just a mishearing. We’d had a full evening together as well, train trip to other nearby city etc

OP posts:

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 24/02/2024 22:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

This is a very good point! Some men get very embarrassed about that.

Sceptical123 · 24/02/2024 22:25

Maybe ask him (if you want to put yourself in that position) to explain himself then.

He found you attractive enough to actively pursue you. Attractive enough to sleep with multiple times. Going on to say he finds you physically unattractive while you’re having sex makes no sense whatsoever. He wouldn’t be able to perform if he didn’t find you attractive, surely. What would he hope to achieve?

Could it be something he’s witnessed watching porn do you think? Abusing the woman you’re having sex with to humiliate her - is he into that?

Was he drunk? Or sober for the first time and had been drinking on the previous occasions you met up?

If it was the first time you’d slept together and he had a problem maintaining or getting an erection, or ended the situation as soon as he said it I could possibly understand, but it just makes no sense whatsoever otherwise.

I’d be curious to find out the reason, as, if you got on well before this it might just be a huge misunderstanding that you can laugh about (or not!) in the future.

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 24/02/2024 22:28

Alchemistress · 24/02/2024 17:48

I'm in my 50s and tubby and average looking but my husband adores me. I can assure you that this is absolutely not about you or how you look and everything about his own inadequacies.

This morning I was sitting on the train to work and there was a group of 4 blokes chatting VERY LOUDLY about the women they intended sleeping with this evening after the football/ pub. Pictures were passed around and all of the men commented on the women's pictures in various awful degrading ways. It was horrible to hear. They then were clearly watching some porn and passing that around too. It was absolutely vile.

They were nothing to write home about to look at either - to listen to them you'd think that the women would be crawling over broken glass to get at them. But no, just your usual dim, creepy young men in their 20s.

Just before I got off I went over and sat myself down on a seat opposite two of them and said ( very calmly, very conversationally, as I'd been practising in my head for the last few stops)

" Hello lads. Couldn't help overhearing your conversation there. Now I'm old and you probably won't listen to what I'm about to say. But one day some of you will have children and some of those children will be girls. And I don't think that you'd like to think that there were men like yourselves talking about your own daughters 'fucking huge gash' on public transport. So maybe you afford the women you're treating like shit the same respect, eh?"

I'd like to say that I was able to seamlessly finish my speech and glide off the train at my stop without breaking stride, while they sat in stunned and reverential silence, but instead I was left standing at the doors pressing the button helplessly while the train just sat at Denmark Hill for what seemed like an eternity while they called me a fat stupid cunt. Eventually the doors opened and I ran away.

I can only hope that I shamed just one of them even a little bit. I'm continually saddened by the way I see and hear men speak about women.

Agreed but if women started giving them a wide berth I bet they'd soon straighten up and look sharp! Women need to start telling men like this to fuck off!

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 24/02/2024 22:37

StickyProblem · 24/02/2024 09:58

Completely agree with this. If he had meant it meanly he would have said more when you kicked him out. Sounds like he was blabbering nonsense to get himself out of a situation that you may not even have noticed. But also, sod him. His natural instinct is to throw out cruel words in tricky times - you dodged a bullet.

And well done for not trying even harder, banging him senseless all night long, swinging from the chandeliers just to prove you are worthy. You did absolutely the right thing. He can look in the mirror and sort himself out with someone he really fancies next time.

Show quote history

Seen a couple of posts like this but what woman would ever do this?! Bang someone harder cos they'd just been insulted?! If OP was my mate they'd be rolling down the stairs!

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 24/02/2024 22:46

Beepbeep18 · 24/02/2024 13:28

Thanks for all the extremely kind replies. Honestly madness. Also the acting like I was salivating over him whilst he looks down upon me - I was just saying nice normal things to this guy! Also HE CAME ON TO ME AND KEPT ASKING ME ON DATES. I do think I might have also said “thanks for dashing my fragile self wsteem” which I’m worried makes me seem insane but also ?

Sorry WHY would that make YOU seem insane exactly? If anyone is insane it's him! Say what you like to him! If I was your mate he would be getting an absolute earful from me!

justtidying · 25/02/2024 06:25

Alchemistress · 24/02/2024 17:48

I'm in my 50s and tubby and average looking but my husband adores me. I can assure you that this is absolutely not about you or how you look and everything about his own inadequacies.

This morning I was sitting on the train to work and there was a group of 4 blokes chatting VERY LOUDLY about the women they intended sleeping with this evening after the football/ pub. Pictures were passed around and all of the men commented on the women's pictures in various awful degrading ways. It was horrible to hear. They then were clearly watching some porn and passing that around too. It was absolutely vile.

They were nothing to write home about to look at either - to listen to them you'd think that the women would be crawling over broken glass to get at them. But no, just your usual dim, creepy young men in their 20s.

Just before I got off I went over and sat myself down on a seat opposite two of them and said ( very calmly, very conversationally, as I'd been practising in my head for the last few stops)

" Hello lads. Couldn't help overhearing your conversation there. Now I'm old and you probably won't listen to what I'm about to say. But one day some of you will have children and some of those children will be girls. And I don't think that you'd like to think that there were men like yourselves talking about your own daughters 'fucking huge gash' on public transport. So maybe you afford the women you're treating like shit the same respect, eh?"

I'd like to say that I was able to seamlessly finish my speech and glide off the train at my stop without breaking stride, while they sat in stunned and reverential silence, but instead I was left standing at the doors pressing the button helplessly while the train just sat at Denmark Hill for what seemed like an eternity while they called me a fat stupid cunt. Eventually the doors opened and I ran away.

I can only hope that I shamed just one of them even a little bit. I'm continually saddened by the way I see and hear men speak about women.

@Alchemistress I love you for doing this. I wish more people stood up to vile humans.

BlastedPimples · 25/02/2024 09:01

@Alchemistress I bet at least one of those young men privately took stock of what you said.

The rest probably will never give a shit, daughters or not.

Original poster

Beepbeep18 · 25/02/2024 13:54

He has messaged me several times since explaining himself and it does make slightly more sense and now I’m worried I’ve over reacted

OP posts:

ClutchingOurBananas · 25/02/2024 13:58

Beepbeep18 · 25/02/2024 13:54

He has messaged me several times since explaining himself and it does make slightly more sense and now I’m worried I’ve over reacted

Why are you making so many excuses for this man and giving him any chances?

Just block him.

You aren’t running some rehabilitation programme for crap men. If you want to date, set some sensible boundaries and stick to them.

Deciding that telling you mid-sex that he doesn’t find you attractive is unacceptable is so far below acceptable behaviour there is no excusing it. Doesn’t make any difference if you suspect he’s ND either.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/02/2024 14:00

Beepbeep18 · 25/02/2024 13:54

He has messaged me several times since explaining himself and it does make slightly more sense and now I’m worried I’ve over reacted

Why in the fuck are you still communicating with this idiot?? Block him , FFS.

He just wants an easy shag.

Grenola · 25/02/2024 14:00

Oh just wanted to send a hug. Just is not a nice option to be in. My gut is that he performance anxiety and stacked in midway.

run run run x

Aquamarine1029 · 25/02/2024 14:03

I’m worried I’ve over reacted

Well, I'm worried that you are still giving him the time of day. Why are you seemingly more concerned about his feelings than your own? There is no excuse for what he said to you. None.

Sceptical123 · 25/02/2024 14:08

Beepbeep18 · 25/02/2024 13:54

He has messaged me several times since explaining himself and it does make slightly more sense and now I’m worried I’ve over reacted

I’d give him one more chance. I think it came out wrong bc every thing he’d done up too that point had been normal and indicated he was really interested. You were there, only you know if there was any hint of performance anxiety. If that’s what you suspect maybe raise it and reassure him it’s not and issue etc. But I still genuinely think he was trying to apologise for not being able find the right way of telling you you’re attractive, bc he’s not good at that sort of thing - that was him being vulnerable with you.

ClutchingOurBananas · 25/02/2024 14:09

Aquamarine1029 · 25/02/2024 14:03

I’m worried I’ve over reacted

Well, I'm worried that you are still giving him the time of day. Why are you seemingly more concerned about his feelings than your own? There is no excuse for what he said to you. None.

Edited

Exactly. No excuse.

@Beepbeep18 You have under reacted here.

You should basically tell him he’s behaved unacceptably and you have no interest in communicating with him further. And block him.

He’s tested you to see that he can treat you like shit and you’ll accept that. Fail that test. Any man who treats you with open contempt (and this is open contempt) at this point is not going to be anything but bad news.

Alwaystransforming · 25/02/2024 14:15

Fucks sake. You posted about how destroyed you felt after the encounter.

You are now still allowing his messages to reach you and think you might have over reacted?

Are you serious? This is one of those cases where you will be treated how you allow yourself to be treated. Every time he does something awful, he acts guilty and tells you he feels so bad you end up feeling sorry for him and question yourself. Then in a few years your self esteem has gone and you can’t trust your own judgement.

You are already on that path. Put yourself first.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/02/2024 14:17

Alwaystransforming · 25/02/2024 14:15

Fucks sake. You posted about how destroyed you felt after the encounter.

You are now still allowing his messages to reach you and think you might have over reacted?

Are you serious? This is one of those cases where you will be treated how you allow yourself to be treated. Every time he does something awful, he acts guilty and tells you he feels so bad you end up feeling sorry for him and question yourself. Then in a few years your self esteem has gone and you can’t trust your own judgement.

You are already on that path. Put yourself first.

Exactly this. He is gaslighting you, and you're letting him do a pretty good job of it. He said something absolutely fucking horrible to you and now you are feeling bad for him? Come the fuck on. Block him.

HellonHeels · 25/02/2024 14:17

ClutchingOurBananas · 25/02/2024 13:58

Why are you making so many excuses for this man and giving him any chances?

Just block him.

You aren’t running some rehabilitation programme for crap men. If you want to date, set some sensible boundaries and stick to them.

Deciding that telling you mid-sex that he doesn’t find you attractive is unacceptable is so far below acceptable behaviour there is no excusing it. Doesn’t make any difference if you suspect he’s ND either.

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All of this!

His behaviour was shit. It is not possible to explain why what he said was acceptable, because it isn't. And if he has problems of whatever sort that compel him to say things like this, then he needs to get some help before dating and inflicting himself on others.

You most certainly did NOT overreact.

HellonHeels · 25/02/2024 14:21

Sceptical123 · 25/02/2024 14:08

I’d give him one more chance. I think it came out wrong bc every thing he’d done up too that point had been normal and indicated he was really interested. You were there, only you know if there was any hint of performance anxiety. If that’s what you suspect maybe raise it and reassure him it’s not and issue etc. But I still genuinely think he was trying to apologise for not being able find the right way of telling you you’re attractive, bc he’s not good at that sort of thing - that was him being vulnerable with you.

Show quote history

Why on earth would you give him another chance after this episode? If he can't make himself vulnerable or tell someone they're attractive without coming out with negging shit, then he needs to do some work on himself and OP should not be hanging around being a support human and exposed to more of the same.

Sceptical123 · 25/02/2024 14:22

I guess you have to weigh up the possible outcomes.

If you give him another chance and he displays gross behaviour you’ll feel bad but at least you’ll know it’s the right choice to ditch him and have no regrets.

If he proves it was a misunderstanding and doesn’t act gross then you’ll hopefully have a great relationship.

Which would you feel better or worse about?

ClutchingOurBananas · 25/02/2024 14:23

I cannot believe anyone is advising the OP to give this man another chance. 🤯

Sceptical123 · 25/02/2024 14:26

ClutchingOurBananas · 25/02/2024 14:23

I cannot believe anyone is advising the OP to give this man another chance. 🤯

Did you read my previous posts?

Original poster

Beepbeep18 · 25/02/2024 14:31

I’ve not replied or communicated back dw!

OP posts:

Sceptical123 · 25/02/2024 14:31

People are so quick to tell OP’s to LTB.

None of us were there. None of us have access to the guys brain. With all the info OP has given us it sounds like he was really keen and pursued her. They’ve slept together multiple times. Why would he suddenly - MID SEX - say something so bizarre? Why do ppl jump straight to the easy - he must be a terrible cunt conclusion?

She told him she was feeling anxious about certain aspects etc, isn’t it worth considering reasons why he may have said what he said? I’m not going to repeat everything I’ve already written.

ND ppl find articulating their feelings difficult. If this guy cares for OP and she does him, why is everyone racing for her to trash this potentially good relationship if there’s a risk it’s all misunderstanding?

She’ll be back to square one - back in the shitty dating pool - she may meet prince charming straight away - it’s more than likely she won’t. I’m not advising her to put up with a load of crap, I am advising her to try to understand the situation fully before binning it.