Going Crazy Deciding If I Should Go Back To Him

[EightiesGal]

Hi MN people
Im looking for advice on my situation.
I’m 42 soon. Have one son he’s 20. Lives with his best mate and another mate.
I split with his dad a long time ago. Just concentrated on him while he was growing up. Almost 4 years ago I started dating for the First time. My son wasn’t too bothered as he was 16 then and absorbed in his social life. He barely had anything to do with my bf but admittedly my bf made no effort to spend time with him or get to know him. I dated him for 18 months nearly then called it off. I was feeling insecure and there were things that I was unhappy about. He’s 9 years older, that’s ok as he’s mature and established in life. His two daughters are grown up.
The issues were he is a dictator. He probably means well but he would lecture me and talk at me not to me. He was always right and if I did things differently to how he wanted me to, he would be angry and even ignore me for a day or two. I felt criticised often and like I couldn’t be my authentic self. He would criticise my parenting too. He probably thought he was looking out for me and could be loving and caring but only when what I said and did met his approval. I could not tell him things that upset me about him without him becoming very angry, telling me I’m stupid and overreacting or telling me to F off. He is obsessed with porn and I tried talking about how that upset me and it was dismissed like everything else, swept under the carpet. Basically I learnt do not challenge him, he’s not changing, he’s going to do what he wants no matter what.
After breaking it off I took a job several hours away. Slightly better pay but I needed a change of scenery.
He has stayed in contact and didn’t want me to go. He has asked me to come back and actually move in with him. I’m not sure what to do. Most people would’ve given up the moment the partner left town, but he’s persistent. However he’s telling me that I need to win back his trust after leaving and his affections as I’ve been away a long time. He’s not in love with me anymore and not sure he wants me as a life partner, not sure he wants a long term relationship. I told him I want commitment and to settle down. I want to be wanted. It’s hard to just take a gamble that I pack up and go to him when he can’t reassure me he’s in it for the long haul. I realise there’s no guarantees in life but he’s being quite lukewarm which makes me worry he’s already decided he’s not wanting anything serious. He says I must take a chance and stop being so intense.
In conversations over the past 6 months he’s been very hot and cold and when he’s in a mood he calls me names, runs me down and swears at me. It hurts and he won’t apologise as he says I’m in the wrong for leaving and being away this long.
I still love him but I’m in two minds.
would love opinions

he’s telling me that I need to win back his trust after leaving and his affections as I’ve been away a long time. He’s not in love with me anymore and not sure he wants me as a life partner, not sure he wants a long term relationship

give your head a wobble and cut this guy off. He's not your friend and he's certainly not the man for you.

Do you want to go back to someone you described as a dictator? That won’t change OP. It’s who he is.
please bin him off for your own sake

He sounds horrible! I wouldn't go back to him, I'd feel glad I got away. I'm saying this honestly and with kindness - perhaps you could talk to a therapist to find out why you are considering giving up your freedom and dignity just to have a man like this in your life.

I'm sorry, I stopped reading here;

"However he’s telling me that I need to win back his trust after leaving and his affections as I’ve been away a long time. He’s not in love with me anymore and not sure he wants me as a life partner, not sure he wants a long term relationship"

The guy is a dictator and gives you the silent treatment, which is abusive, and he wants you back but he wants you to grovel grovel grovel for crumbs.

I mean this with kindness, but what on earth are you thinking??

The silent treatment alone is enough to tell him to fuck off into your past for good. Dictating how you should do things, and sulking if you dare have your own voice or autonomy is the same. He doesn't want you back because he loves and misses you, he has literally told you that. He wants you back so that he can continue having a woman to control, and the fact that you left him once is going to be a fantastic stick to beat you with.

The guy is a whole truck load of red flags. You've escaped him once, why the ever loving fuck would you go back?!! Block the controlling, abusive and just not very nice fucker, you owe him nothing.

Drag your self esteem out of the gutter and spend the money you would have spent on dates with him to get yourself some therapy to help you to understand it all better and to be able to recognise and break the cycle in the future.

Good luck!

He sounds appalling. This is a firm no. Do NOT go back to him, do NOT move in with him. Why are you even talking to him? Block and move on. He sounds like a controlling dickhead.

Work on your self-esteem.

Most people would’ve given up the moment the partner left town, but he’s persistent.

Is that what he's told you? That you should be grateful the prick is still bothering you?

I'm pretty sure you've posted about this before and the advice doesn't change. This guy is no good for you. He's openly telling you that. You desperately need to work on your self-esteem and to do that you need to go no contact with him so you don't have him constantly pouring self-doubt and negativity into your ear.

Read your post back to yourself. Why on earth would you want to be with this guy?

He said the mere fact he’s still talking to Mr after I left and been gone over 2 years should prove his loyalty, patience and show he still cares even though he’s not in love. But - if I come back and we spend time together we should reconnect and rebuild what has been lost and ‘hopefully’ it will work out but I need to get myself back and try because we will never know unless I try.
Is there any truth to the above or has he brainwashed me? One conversation he will call me a dumb c**t but then say it’s only out of frustration that I’m far away from him sitting on the fence.

If he's that keen to make it work he can uproot his life and move to you. Except he won't, because he isn't. And you shouldn't want him to, because he's a tosspot.

I went back and read past that point and oh, oh it gets worse.

He flipping calls you names, swears at you, runs you down and that's him trying to win you back!!! And let's call it what it is, gaslighting, because he won't accept any responsibility for verbally abusing you because apparently it's all your fault for having the audacity to leave him for his poor behaviour back then!

And you're honestly considering leaving the wonderful new job to go back to this utter c**t? Really?

Is there any truth to the above

Are you reading anyone's messages, or just using the thread to post repeatedly about this sad sack? I'm pretty sure you are the same poster who does this every few months.

I haven’t asked for advice on this before. I am apprehensive reaching out to others as ive been hurt by people for asking for help in the past such as when going through my divorce.

Why do you think you're worth so little that you're thinking of moving to be with a man who doesn't love you, isn't making any commitment to you and calls you names? Really?

Please run, don't walk, away from this situation. For your sake and for your son. He may be an adult but don't model this to him as a normal relationship. It's abusive.

FFS he is a twat. Block him. He is talking absolute bullshit. He is lying to you. Would any decent person say that to someone?

Please go to therapy and work on yourself. You deserve so much more than this.

He said the mere fact he’s still talking to Mr after I left and been gone over 2 years should prove his loyalty, patience and show he still cares even though he’s not in love

The mere facts that he was an abusive, sulking dictator when you were together and is still being a gaslighting name-calling tosser should be more than enough evidence for you that he doesn't even like you, let alone love you. He despises you, and always has done.

And even if he cares (he doesn't), why the fuck would that be good enough for you to excuse the name calling, minimising, controlling and sulking? We aren't in a Disney movie, the fact that you love him and he says he cares about you (he doesn't) and he may grow to love you again (he won't) - this things aren't enough to plaster over the gaping chasms that are a man who is openly controlling, gaslighting and abusive - and that's him on his best behaviour to win you back!

Oh my god no do NOT get back with this man. He’s an abuser!!!

I think you need to do some work on yourself: see a counsellor, try to work out why you think so little of yourself that you would consider going back to a man who hates you. Probably hates all women.

No no no!

You don't seem to acknowledge that all his behaviours constitute abuse. I'm going to change some words in a few of the sentences you wrote:

He probably means well but he would hit me and talk at me not to me. He was always right and if I did things differently to how he wanted me to, he would be angry and hit me, even ignore me for a day or two.....could be loving and caring but only when what I said and did met his approval, otherwise he would hit me . I could not tell him things that upset me about him without him becoming very angry, hitting me, telling me I’m stupid and overreacting or telling me to F off . He is obsessed with porn and I tried talking about how that upset me and he hit me, it was dismissed like everything else,

Sounds appalling? Who would go back to a man like that? But that's the man you are thinking of going back to.

You need to work out why you believe this is what you are worth. It's not true, you are worth so, so much more.

Of course you shouldn't give him another chance! Your shouldn't even be communicating with him any more. You've listed all the reasons why he's not worth your time in your post.

But the fact that that your are even contemplating this shows that you really really need some help. You've moved away and got a good job, that is fantastic, you have geographic distance between you and you ate not reliant on anyone to support you - keep it that way!

But you need to work on yourself, your confidence, your self esteem.
Can get some professional counselling? Maybe your work offer an employee scheme?

If you can't afford that, talk to your friends and family. Talk to your son...I bet he has an opinion on him. And the one thing I can guarantee is that if you were to make the mistake of going back to this control freak, he would isolate you from your son. Don't let that happen.
I hope MN had helped your clear the fog abs are him for what he really is. You don't love him, really you don't!

Cut this man off OP. Not only should you not get back together with him, you should not speak to or text him, block him on your phone. He is abusive and will never change. Run away, literally!

Hi. I'm going through something very similar. Reading your post I find myself comparing my situation to yours. Trying to find where my ex is ok compared to yours and where mine has failed more. Such a futile exercise. It's all the same. Keep yourself safe and do not engage. I wish you all the best. Leaving a relationship that has broken you will not fix you by going back to if. I had this advice of another forum and it's something I keep telling myself.

NO NO NO NO

He is a controlling, porn-obsessed manipulator who doesn’t love you but expects you to move miles to pander to him to “win his trust”. He wants you back under his control because you had the temerity to dump him.

Block him and move on, preferably to some therapy to understand what healthy relationships look like and why you deserve them.

I can't believe you would even THINK about going back to this abusive man. He is extremely abusive. Honestly op you need to actually block him and have nothing further to do with him. Report him for harassment if he tries to contact you again after you've made it clear it's over.

He calls you a 'c•••' in conversations?

This is simply unacceptable.

Please OP, this is not someone who should be in your life. Block him.

I can find literally nothing in your post that helps me understand why you would be considering getting back together with him. What’s the dilemma here? He’s a control freak with a temper and a porn addiction who wants to keep you constantly feeling in the wrong. What’s in it for you?