Going Crazy Deciding If I Should Go Back To Him

[EightiesGal]

Hi MN people
Im looking for advice on my situation.
I’m 42 soon. Have one son he’s 20. Lives with his best mate and another mate.
I split with his dad a long time ago. Just concentrated on him while he was growing up. Almost 4 years ago I started dating for the First time. My son wasn’t too bothered as he was 16 then and absorbed in his social life. He barely had anything to do with my bf but admittedly my bf made no effort to spend time with him or get to know him. I dated him for 18 months nearly then called it off. I was feeling insecure and there were things that I was unhappy about. He’s 9 years older, that’s ok as he’s mature and established in life. His two daughters are grown up.
The issues were he is a dictator. He probably means well but he would lecture me and talk at me not to me. He was always right and if I did things differently to how he wanted me to, he would be angry and even ignore me for a day or two. I felt criticised often and like I couldn’t be my authentic self. He would criticise my parenting too. He probably thought he was looking out for me and could be loving and caring but only when what I said and did met his approval. I could not tell him things that upset me about him without him becoming very angry, telling me I’m stupid and overreacting or telling me to F off. He is obsessed with porn and I tried talking about how that upset me and it was dismissed like everything else, swept under the carpet. Basically I learnt do not challenge him, he’s not changing, he’s going to do what he wants no matter what.
After breaking it off I took a job several hours away. Slightly better pay but I needed a change of scenery.
He has stayed in contact and didn’t want me to go. He has asked me to come back and actually move in with him. I’m not sure what to do. Most people would’ve given up the moment the partner left town, but he’s persistent. However he’s telling me that I need to win back his trust after leaving and his affections as I’ve been away a long time. He’s not in love with me anymore and not sure he wants me as a life partner, not sure he wants a long term relationship. I told him I want commitment and to settle down. I want to be wanted. It’s hard to just take a gamble that I pack up and go to him when he can’t reassure me he’s in it for the long haul. I realise there’s no guarantees in life but he’s being quite lukewarm which makes me worry he’s already decided he’s not wanting anything serious. He says I must take a chance and stop being so intense.
In conversations over the past 6 months he’s been very hot and cold and when he’s in a mood he calls me names, runs me down and swears at me. It hurts and he won’t apologise as he says I’m in the wrong for leaving and being away this long.
I still love him but I’m in two minds.
would love opinions

I appreciate the posts here. People’s honest views and opinions. The way a lot of the comments are worded, it puts things in more perspective and sheds a different light on this. I could very well have issues and need therapy! But maybe I’ve just had that many conversations with this guy and he’s said things often enough and in a way to make me believe he’s a good guy and I’m at fault and he’s exonerated for being unsure about having me back in a long term relationship.
If someone says things often enough, it plants thought that become beliefs and strongholds I guess

My advice is the same as everyone else’s, but I’m going to say more because I can see you are getting stuck on his latest ploy to lure you in.

Your description of your ex sounds uncannily like my husband I’m divorcing.

An experienced chartered clinical psychologist said my husband had many narcissists traits.

Things never end well for the victims of narcissistic abuse.

Please believe that whatever he says may or may not be the truth. He may or may not even believe what he says. His sole aim is just to get you to do what he wants (same old behaviour) and he will say anything (true or not), to get you to do what he wants.

He’s obviously sussed your authentic core values/vulnerabilities - mentioning trust, and loyalty. He doesn’t care about you deep down, he only cares about himself. He enjoyed you being submissive to him and you’ve removed that supply by moving away. He wants that supply back, because it makes him feel good about himself.

If he has offered financial help, that’s only to trap/and or control you further.

Please believe all of us - this new behaviour is just more of the same old behaviour that you didn’t like before. It’s just dressed up different.

The fact you don’t see it and keep asking us about this latest version of his manipulation, that is proof of how successfully he’s mind fucked you.

Read up on Narcissism as you run for the hills.

He's extremely emotionally abusive and extremely manipulative.

He wants you to move in so he can have total control of you. Things would go rapidly downhill if you did this and you would be in great danger.

I'm actually quite worried about you although you're a total stranger.
Please look after yourself by reinforcing your boundaries, wishing him farewell,then blocking him.

OP I am struggling to believe this is real.

When you read your own posts can you see it yet?

There are zero reasons to go back to this man.

Please get counselling. And for the love of everything on earth, cut this man out of your life. He’s told you he doesn’t love you. Believe him.

💐

Well, I did say to him if he was enthusiastically asking me to come back and being positive to me and about me instead of critical and lukewarm - I’d feel more secure as I’d feel wanted and like I have worth. He says if I loved him I would not have left. I’ve explained many times it was his mood swings and nasty words that made me leave and he hasn’t taken any responsibility for his part.

it was his mood swings and nasty words that made me leave and he hasn’t taken any responsibility for his part

This is all the proof you need that he will do this to you again - only next time you will be trapped and it will be 1000 times worse and will eventually become physical.

You can explain until you’re blue on the face and he’ll never accept responsibility because that’s what narcissists do.Hes not hearing because he doesn’t care - it’s all about him, you’re irrelevant. You’re no more important to him than a chair.

DARVO - honestly this guy is so textbook there’s probably a photo of him in the dictionary under gaslighting

This is all real. There’s other things I haven’t mentioned that would be red flags and also why I left. I would never go on a forum and make up anything. It’s not my nature. Maybe as someone posted previously, my ex has narcissistic traits and I’ve been blinded to it because he’s very clever at masking it and my head is so messed up I can’t see it for myself.
it’s very sad and scary to feel pulled toward someone and bonded to someone if deep down they’re not genuine and don’t truly give a crap about me

You really need to stop pondering the mans words and instead do extensive work on yourself. It’s horrific that you hold yourself in such contempt that you think such scum is appealing, for your own sake, you really shouldn’t go near any bloke until you’ve worked on developing standards and self esteem in order to only select an exceptionally high quality man in the future if necessary.

OP this relationship doesn’t work.
Stop explaining to him. It’s ridiculous. He knows and doesn’t care.
He’s not even really trying to get you back and has already said it’s you who will need to make all the effort.
If you move in, how convenient for him! No packing and admin, gets regular sex and someone to clean up after him, who gave up their own home and is financially trapped in his home and who he can threaten to throw out whenever he likes.

It’s a no from me

Ditto what others have said a big fat NO No

why would you want to go back with someone that said he doesn’t LOVE you ?
what he going to do , build it up again and fall in love with you when YOU do as he says

you broke up with him for a reason
You had months of him being like he is and he didn’t change then!
So with NO love for you in the mix , there’s not a very lot of chance of it

You've made the big decisions back then to break up and move away, which must have been hard back then
So knowing what you know now what he’s said and how much he’s dictating what HE wants you to do and be like

Dont up heave yourself again
If you must, why don’t you try a few weekends with him . I’m sure you’ll come to the conclusion of

NO NO

It sounds like you have a trauma bond to him. It often happens in abusive relationships. Please get trauma counseling. You can't see him for what he is because his abuse has damaged your mental health. He wants to get back with you because you're an easy "mark" to control, not because he loves you. Please block him and get help.

Absolutely do not go back to your abuser.

This is a concern. I don’t want to give up my independence. He’s using the fact that I can save money living with him as a draw card because I don’t have much after years of solo parenting. He’s comfortable financially and makes out he wants to help me, but after reading these posts it’s now a concern that it’s just a ploy to gain control

There are even more red flags that you haven’t mentioned?

There are already so many you could make bunting to go round a moderately sized city.

Please go online now and search for a counsellor and message them for an appointment.

Go no contact with him all weekend. Go and buy yourself some flowers (or something you like) and have a coffee and cake out somewhere, with a friend or on your own and enjoy the peace.

💐

@EightiesGal I'm not going to repeat what has been said many, many times.

im just going to say this is him, not you. Stay away, cut ties, he's fucking with your head.

you could cover the world in the red flags.

STAY AWAY FROM HIM.

im very sorry for your past that has led you to your way of thinking. Xx

OP please do yourself the biggest favour ever and block this abusive arsehole.

The whole time you’re in contact with him he’s manipulating the fuck out of you. Until you go NC you won’t be able to think straight and that’s exactly what he wants to control you.

Do not go back to him. He has got you trauma bonded to him.

He does not want to help you, he wants to control you and will further use money to do so. He targeted you and deliberately so too. Your boundaries here, already skewed by him and poor life experiences, are being further eroded and otherwise got at by this master manipulator.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of example did your parents show you?.

I had a brief read on trauma bonding. Very interesting.
He has dated a lot of women but nothing long term. Remains friends with several of the women. Maybe another reason he can’t guarantee anything serious with me because he’s got attention elsewhere and can’t commit

If you go back he will use your initial leaving as a stick to beat you with forever. Not only will you have to constantly tell him how fabulous he is but he will completely control you under the guise of not trusting that you won’t leave again

Nobody EVER calls someone they love a cunt, never mind how frustrated they may be. This man does not love you, he just doesn’t want to relinquish control and that is what he is exercising here, control, not affection or love, it’s control.

his version of events would read like this;
I was in a relationship with a woman for 18 months but she wouldn’t move in with me because of her son. This pissed me right off as I want to be the only thing that matters to her. Sometimes she did stupid things and I made sure to fucking tell her because things should be done how I want them to be done. I really want her to move back but she needs to make up for leaving me and this means putting me first, she can see her son sometimes but ffs, not when I want her by my side and not until she’s completely made it up to me for leaving.

think to yourself, he’s said he doesn’t love you but might do if you make it up to him so why is he so persistent in chasing you? Why doesn’t he just move on? Control! Please run while you still can, find someone who builds you up, someone who makes you feel good about yourself. A loving relationship makes us happier and more confident not LESS confident

Dad had several affairs on mum and then walked out when I was a kid. My stepdad was faithful as far as I know but mum waited on him hand and foot and got little appreciation until her dying day.

Yes this is horrifying OP that you can't see any of this after writing it all out.

And even worse that you've fallen for his self-promotion so much that you think if he'd written on here, he'd have a sympathetic audience. Men do post on here asking how to get their exes back, you know, all the time. So I can tell you now exactly. He wouldn't.

He'd be told the exact same as those other men: to "stop bothering that woman, she left for a reason, let her go and live her life in peace. Even if you persuaded her and she did come back, without fixing the underlying issues, the relationship would never work. If you really wanted her back you'd put the work in and change yourself, instead of exerting all that pressure outward on her."

If you find that you tend to believe everything you're told by hearing it enough times, then you need to stop listening to nonsense. Your experience has already told you that's it's bullshit.

He’s not still contacting you out of love or affection. He hasn't met someone else to distract him, that's all. He loved being a dictator, Mister My Way or the Highway, and he enjoyed the way it felt bullying you and making you jump through hoops for him. That's what he wants back. Not you personally, but the way making you feel small made him feel big. If he could meet another woman to bully in the same way, he'd happily move on. But there's enough of his hooks still in you that he’s able to twist it. He’s not even nice to you or respectful of you as a person. And still he’s managed to get you to think that you could fix this by giving up your life to be his sacrificial victim and not wanting to return is somehow your fault.

Believing in this Gospel of the Abuser is only your fault for listening to it. Like if you spent your life on YouTube listening to conspiracy theories and started saying "well, there's so much of this content it can't ALL be wrong". He’s telling you the sky is green despite the evidence literally in front of your eyes, and you shouldn't be entertaining this nonsense. Block him and give yourself the headspace to listen to your OWN thoughts and opinions.

You only have his word for it that he remains friends with his exs. It would not surprise me if the actual truth was that one or more of them have got restraining or non molestation ordered against him.

Stop analysing him as of now and start to properly work on rebuilding you from the ground up. He does this because he can and there’s a ready supply of educated but with little to no self worth women like yourself all to ready to believe him. Like many abusers he is quite plausible. Educate yourself a lot more about trauma bonding and abuse and get therapy from the likes of a BACP registered counsellor.

If he was to post on MN saying that sometimes when frustrated he calls his ex a c**t. He'd be advised that he deserves to be alone.
Only once has a man called me that, which is one too many times and he's been blocked on everything, never to be seen again. This man has a poor view of women, acts like they are beneath him and are to be told what to do.
You can see it, but are chosing to ignore it as it feels familiar from your past experience.

He won’t guarantee anything serious with you because he doesn’t want to.
Who cares why OP?

This alone is enough to say no to.

You have to go no contact. Block block block. Week one will be hard. Week two you’ll start feeling you will let yourself down if you break NC but will panic a bit that he will forget you. He won’t. He’ll be mad. Week three and you will have so much more mental peace than you’ve had for ages and will want to get to a full month of NC. At a month you’ll be itching to go and do new things and meet new people and leave the misery behind. You’ll keep him blocked because it’s given you peace and a hopeful out look for a future free of his BS