Going Crazy Deciding If I Should Go Back To Him

[EightiesGal]

Hi MN people
Im looking for advice on my situation.
I’m 42 soon. Have one son he’s 20. Lives with his best mate and another mate.
I split with his dad a long time ago. Just concentrated on him while he was growing up. Almost 4 years ago I started dating for the First time. My son wasn’t too bothered as he was 16 then and absorbed in his social life. He barely had anything to do with my bf but admittedly my bf made no effort to spend time with him or get to know him. I dated him for 18 months nearly then called it off. I was feeling insecure and there were things that I was unhappy about. He’s 9 years older, that’s ok as he’s mature and established in life. His two daughters are grown up.
The issues were he is a dictator. He probably means well but he would lecture me and talk at me not to me. He was always right and if I did things differently to how he wanted me to, he would be angry and even ignore me for a day or two. I felt criticised often and like I couldn’t be my authentic self. He would criticise my parenting too. He probably thought he was looking out for me and could be loving and caring but only when what I said and did met his approval. I could not tell him things that upset me about him without him becoming very angry, telling me I’m stupid and overreacting or telling me to F off. He is obsessed with porn and I tried talking about how that upset me and it was dismissed like everything else, swept under the carpet. Basically I learnt do not challenge him, he’s not changing, he’s going to do what he wants no matter what.
After breaking it off I took a job several hours away. Slightly better pay but I needed a change of scenery.
He has stayed in contact and didn’t want me to go. He has asked me to come back and actually move in with him. I’m not sure what to do. Most people would’ve given up the moment the partner left town, but he’s persistent. However he’s telling me that I need to win back his trust after leaving and his affections as I’ve been away a long time. He’s not in love with me anymore and not sure he wants me as a life partner, not sure he wants a long term relationship. I told him I want commitment and to settle down. I want to be wanted. It’s hard to just take a gamble that I pack up and go to him when he can’t reassure me he’s in it for the long haul. I realise there’s no guarantees in life but he’s being quite lukewarm which makes me worry he’s already decided he’s not wanting anything serious. He says I must take a chance and stop being so intense.
In conversations over the past 6 months he’s been very hot and cold and when he’s in a mood he calls me names, runs me down and swears at me. It hurts and he won’t apologise as he says I’m in the wrong for leaving and being away this long.
I still love him but I’m in two minds.
would love opinions

So him doing his best for you is :gaslighting you, dictating your life to you, calling awful dispicable names, controlling and abusive well just look back at your list in your first post.....

If you has a friend telling you her relationship was like this, think what you would advise her.

You split up with him for lots of reasons. Of course he can be sweet, he's manipulating you (yes brainwashing as you mentioned).
If you move in you we have burnt your bridges, lose any self esteem you have (if you have any after the treatment he's given you) and not have the confidence to leave.
He's also a lot older than you. He WON'T change and your future probably be ypu being the carer to a total bastard.
This relationship will not improve on any level. It will just get worse.
He couldn't even be bothered to try connecting with your son. That's really basic. Usually men fall over themselves to impress their gf by trying to that.
To actually say he doesn't love you and you're still considering this? Never mind whether he loves YOU or not, do you actually like Him more importantly?

He's definitely not a keeper. Toss this tosspot into the sea. Block all contact.
Don't give him an inch. Get on with your life. Continue working on your confidence and eventually someone worthy of you will come along.

Sorry I have to ask questions. At 42 I should have more awareness. When you say his purpose to get me back is control, do you mean it could purely be an ego thing? If I come back, he wins because I’ve done as he asked?

There you have it. Your post of 13;08 explains an awful lot re your relationship experiences now. I am so sorry this happened to you but it was not your fault in any way. You were but a child at the time.

The adults in your life never bothered to actually show you what an emotionally healthy and respectful relationship is like. It was not your fault, this is all on them. My guess to is that you’ve rarely if ever have talked to a counsellor about your childhood. If that is the case start opening up to a counsellor.

Paying you for sex then, rewarding you financially for moving in a trapping you after years of not leaving you alone and manipulating you back into his life, harassing you and emotionally abusing you. Loyal? No, stalker, harrassment, abuser. He is treating you like shit right now and you only keep saying but but he was sometimes nice and good and so I keep thinking it's OK to go back for more. He swears at you, insults you, loses his temper, ignores you, blames you, hurts you. Wants you there for sex and so he can get right back to punishing you while telling you he doesnt love you or want you. Jesus fucking Christ OP, wake up.

I agree with everything already said, but I would also suggest the freedom programme so that you can understand what is abuse and stop blaming yourself.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Good luck 🍀

He’s abusive and manipulative, you can do better.

Thanks everyone. I have a lot of things to work through

This is really quite scary OP. He's controlling (always being right) and verbally abusive. He has you convinced that controlling you even from afar is being "persistent and loyal". What he misses is the control he had over you. Now he has you thinking about going back to him and "make" him love you again which gives him license to be even more mean and demaning towards you to make you prove your loyalty. You have to be wide-eyed about this. Do you really want to go back to him, grovel for his love while he abuses you and spends his life watching porn? Really?

OP, it’s quite unusual for all PPs on any thread to agree as solidly as they do on this one. Usually there’s a wide range of opinion, some people more tolerant of difficult behaviour than others. The fact that every comment I’ve read is telling you to keep this abuser out of your life shows how serious your situation is.

I’ve had some bad relationships in the past, but I would never put up with what you describe. Of course he wants you back, to go on abusing you. Please, please don’t let him reel you back in.

OP, right now, as in whilst you are reading this, block him. He is adding zero to your life.

You might have the odd nice chat with him, but within the same evening he is also calling you a c*.

Sounds like you need to learn what a healthy, equal relationship should look like. Your mum wasn't a good role model for picking men, do not follow her example.

This is a "HELL NO" from me! Who the fuck does he think he is??

Abso-fucking-lutely.

Also, once you do cave in, he knows the power he has is absolute and will work after years of being apart and treating you like shit. That's an intoxicating level of power to hold, and you'd better believe he would use it and enjoy it.

Yes that’s it, his ego was bruised by you leaving.
He will hold it over you forever so that you will wait on him just as you saw your mum doing to hold on to your stepdad.

I’m quite worried after starting this thread that something fundamentally wrong with me because everyone here is unanimous about him being the problem

To be honest, yes, you should be worried by this, especially if you want to avoid getting into more abusive relationships in the future, after you have hopefully kicked this awful man back to the kerb.

Pretty much any one of his behaviours on the list summarised from your posts would be enough to make me not want to touch him with a bargepole, never mind all of them together. It's not your fault if your upbringing and past experiences have led to you being unable to spot red flags up until now, but better to learn late than never.

Of course he wants you back! He needs someone to dominate, bully, control.
And he wants you to 'win back his trust'? So go back on his terms, beg him?
Seems like you have enough about you to question, but you can't see you have 'victim' tattooed on your forehead, and he's got 'abuser' on his.
Try moving further away..... And change your phone number.

I only needed to read the title, to be honest. The answer to 'should I go back' is nearly always going to be 'not unless one or both of you have done a lot of soul searching and work on yourselves so as not to repeat the mistakes that were made the first time round.'

Which almost never happens. So why would you think that anything would be different this time around?

Yes!! And once he’s ‘won’ you are his possession and he will continue to punish you then treat you well in a cycle of abuse until he’s bored and finds a new victim.

Yes he will feel he has absolute control as in he managed to convince you it was all your fault in the first place. Once under his roof you are trapped and he will make you suffer for leaving him all those years ago. The control of constantly telling you how much money your saving because of him, you will have to be eternally grateful that he gave you this amazing offer of being with him again. Within a fortnight the name calling, belittling and the rage will begin again.
No matter what you do you will always be wrong, everything will always be your fault. He will destroy you.

My emotionally abusive ex, at the beginning of our relationship, in a drunken 'confession', told me he would destroy me and my son. He tried his damned best but I never moved in with him, the future got more and more terrifying looking, eventually I broke the trauma bonds and blocked.

In a short two years he had gone from being best friends with all my family and friends, to demonising and attempting to tell me they were my enemies. He would help me with things, then use them as a bargaining tool to make me do things constantly for him - big things.
I too was called a cunt (for not getting some lettuce out the fridge for him), a bitch (for soothing his son to sleep|) and told |I was crazy, making it all happen and the one to blame.
He was affectionate, sensitive, gentle and supportive. He was unpredictable, raging, deluded, manipulative, clever and aggressive. I tried to break it off several times and he was incredibly persistent - dozens of texts and calls constantly. Telling me how amazing I was, how he needed me, his kids needed me.
I mistook it for love and caring. It was control.

You've escaped once. Time to cut him out for good.

I have and I'm thriving.

Don't look back.

Can guarantee 100% that he will financially control you if you move in.

Your standards are on the floor.

Do not go back to him and work on yourself.

“I’m quite worried after starting this thread that something fundamentally wrong with me because everyone here is unanimous about him being the problem

To be honest, yes, you should be worried by this, especially if you want to avoid getting into more abusive relationships in the future, after you have hopefully kicked this awful man back to the kerb.

Pretty much any one of his behaviours on the list summarised from your posts would be enough to make me not want to touch him with a bargepole, never mind all of them together. It's not your fault if your upbringing and past experiences have led to you being unable to spot red flags up until now, but better to learn late than never.”

This. You had very poor relationship models growing up and that makes you vulnerable. You might find Women Who Love Too Much to be an interesting read and you would likely benefit from therapy.

Why would you EVER want to be with someone who insults you and swears at and you and calls you a cunt? I've never ever heard my parents talk to each other in this way, and DH and I never swear at one another like this either. It's so disrespectful, nasty and unnecessary. Someone you're in a relationship with (or even dating) should at least like you, if not love you yet, and respect you. Plus, they should want you for who you are, not expect/ demand change and constantly belittle you or make you feel like you are the problem. DH always has my back- we are a team. That is how it should be. You need to stop talking to this horrible man and work on your self-respect and self-worth. Healthy relationships make you feel good, confident, supported, respected. Your partner should be someone who brings positivity to your life and who is compatible with you - neither of you should have to force anything; you should just BE. Life shouldn't be this toxic and hard. You deserve better and should expect better - what I'm saying here is really the basic expectation everyone should have, not some kind of fairytale.

Do you really need to ask?
What a nasty pos he is

Maybe someone else has suggested this (I've really only read your posts) but please take a deep breath and take a good long objective look at what you've written here. Now imagine your son was your daughter and had written these sad and worrying words - what would you say to her? Would you worry that she'd be walking back into the trap he's opened the door for you to wonder back, back into the trap you've escaped physically but not quite emotionally.

Please look again about what you've said about the hurtful things he's said and how they've made you feel. Would it be OK for a daughter of yours to give up her future for someone like this? If not, why not? 🌹

Things that are really NOT a Good Idea

• sticking wet fingers into an electrical socket
• crossing a motorway blindfolded
• doing your own appendectomy on your kitchen table. With a bread knife.
• agreeing to send your life savings to the handsome bloke you met online who has a high paying career but is inexplicably cash strapped
• YOU having anything whatsoever to do with this absolute waste of fucking space.

You would be more sensible in choosing the previous options.

Seriously. Get some therapy.