Going Crazy Deciding If I Should Go Back To Him

[EightiesGal]

Hi MN people
Im looking for advice on my situation.
I’m 42 soon. Have one son he’s 20. Lives with his best mate and another mate.
I split with his dad a long time ago. Just concentrated on him while he was growing up. Almost 4 years ago I started dating for the First time. My son wasn’t too bothered as he was 16 then and absorbed in his social life. He barely had anything to do with my bf but admittedly my bf made no effort to spend time with him or get to know him. I dated him for 18 months nearly then called it off. I was feeling insecure and there were things that I was unhappy about. He’s 9 years older, that’s ok as he’s mature and established in life. His two daughters are grown up.
The issues were he is a dictator. He probably means well but he would lecture me and talk at me not to me. He was always right and if I did things differently to how he wanted me to, he would be angry and even ignore me for a day or two. I felt criticised often and like I couldn’t be my authentic self. He would criticise my parenting too. He probably thought he was looking out for me and could be loving and caring but only when what I said and did met his approval. I could not tell him things that upset me about him without him becoming very angry, telling me I’m stupid and overreacting or telling me to F off. He is obsessed with porn and I tried talking about how that upset me and it was dismissed like everything else, swept under the carpet. Basically I learnt do not challenge him, he’s not changing, he’s going to do what he wants no matter what.
After breaking it off I took a job several hours away. Slightly better pay but I needed a change of scenery.
He has stayed in contact and didn’t want me to go. He has asked me to come back and actually move in with him. I’m not sure what to do. Most people would’ve given up the moment the partner left town, but he’s persistent. However he’s telling me that I need to win back his trust after leaving and his affections as I’ve been away a long time. He’s not in love with me anymore and not sure he wants me as a life partner, not sure he wants a long term relationship. I told him I want commitment and to settle down. I want to be wanted. It’s hard to just take a gamble that I pack up and go to him when he can’t reassure me he’s in it for the long haul. I realise there’s no guarantees in life but he’s being quite lukewarm which makes me worry he’s already decided he’s not wanting anything serious. He says I must take a chance and stop being so intense.
In conversations over the past 6 months he’s been very hot and cold and when he’s in a mood he calls me names, runs me down and swears at me. It hurts and he won’t apologise as he says I’m in the wrong for leaving and being away this long.
I still love him but I’m in two minds.
would love opinions

I can’t see a single thing you have written which sounds like you want to go back to him? It’s as if you were focussed on justifying leaving him in the first place . You are not even with him and he has you justifying yourself about something which is entirely your choice. And he wants you in his house where he would have control and says he might think about being nice to you in that case? Isn’t it obvious he just wants you in his control to punish you?

Absolutely this.

And please remember I could not tell him things that upset me about him without him becoming very angry, telling me I’m stupid and overreacting or telling me to F off. He is obsessed with porn and I tried talking about how that upset me and it was dismissed like everything else, swept under the carpet

He is a nightmare! And he wants you to live with him while he decides whether you are worthy of his love ?????? Please, OP. No.

He sounds completely awful why on earth would you want to be with this guy? Surely there are better ones out there somewhere?

He sounds awful. Why would you want him again? You deserve better!

After reading what you have written I am really surprised you are considering going back to him. He sounds really horrible. Were you perhaps raised by a similar personality and somehow it feels normal and familiar to you to be with people like that?

Dear God No! He was horrible to you, is being horrible and has already yet you know that he will keep being horrible to you in the future. Stay far away and stop talking to him, remove him from your life.
I am single, when I read about men like this I am delighted to say I will die alone and be eaten by my cats/dogs. Totally worth it.

why would you want to be with someone who you couldn’t be your authentic self with?

He will slowly grind your self esteem down and you’ll be left a shell of a person who can’t have their own opinion, their own choices or free will.

you’re still young, your son is grown, this is the perfect time to step back and say “what do I want from the rest of my life?” - from your post it doesn’t sound like this man sparks joy and excitement in your life, he sounds like an emotional drain and someone who loves the sound of his own voice.

If I were you I’d reply back and say thanks but no thanks, then I’d book myself a holiday to Greece and have a fling with a sexy Greek man to celebrate the second half of my life!

Be brave OP, you get one life. Dont settle for someone who you need to compromise yourself for, just so you’re not alone.

Block. Block. Block.

Why on earth is your bar so low? Get rid of this asshole once and for all and then please seek some therapy - why do you think he is all you deserve?

If you want to live your life with a porn addled, abusive tosser, then yes, by all means go back. If you would rather be in a relationship that has mutual respect, care and understanding, tell this loser to sling his hook.

OP, why have you put up with this idiots nonsense for two years?! Why did you not just block him when you left?!

You deserve so much better than this. Block him and move on with your life.

Absolutely not @EightiesGal . You need to cut contact with him immediately.

@EightiesGal please keep reading these replies, absolutely do NOT go back to him.
Block him on everything now.

With kindness he has brainwashed you. He’s exactly who he was when you ended it and hasn’t done anything about his behaviour because he takes zero responsibility for it. Going back would be communicating to him that his behaviour is fine and he can do as he wants, which alongside with the fact that domestic abuse typically always gets worse with time means he would be more awful than ever. Going back when he’s like this would also cement his perception that you’re the bad guy and need to win him back with “good behaviour” so you’d forever be trying to please and appease him. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you went back and he was violent. You would live a life of walking on egg shells, fear and compliance. Is that what you want?!
You need to do the following
Cut all contact for good
Confide in a trusted friend EVERYTHING about the way he was with you so they can support you and keep you strong when you wobble.
Educate yourself on trauma bonding.
Commit to at least 6 months no romantic contact with any man.
Do the freedom programme online.
Read why does he do that.
Read overcoming low self esteem.
You can do this 💪🏻

Not sure why you are even still communicating with him let alone considering packing up your life to go back to him. You have left and started a new life for yourself and you are still allowing him to abuse you.

He wants you to pack up your life and move in with him, a man who has previous for treating you terribly, who openly says he no longer loves you and you will need to win back his affection (aw diddums, did his ego get hurt when you dared to leave) Absolutely nothing good would come from you going back. Don't do it!

Please block him from everything and start healing. You are worth much more.

As I said maybe blinded by what appears ‘loyalty’ staying in contact and offering the finances to move back and give another go, even though I’m the one who left. Says he wants to help me get ahead financially so if I stay with him I can save money.
Maybe I really do need therapy as every post has said please stay away from him he’s abusive yet I’ve failed to clearly see all this

OP! Are you having ‘a moment’ (of sheer madness)!

I think you know you should run for the hills.

You can meet someone really nice, OP. Just have faith in yourself, ghost this man and start looking again. And this time, don't settle for anything less than you deserve. Your nice guy is out there and it's not this man.

Have you considered that he wants you back because nobody else would put up with his shit?

Have you considered its not loyalty, it's the fact his dating pool is severely limited by his appalling behaviour?

You don't even like him. I don't get why going back is even a question.

NO NO NO NO NO

@EightiesGal yes if you can afford it (even fortnightly) I would strongly urge you to seek therapy. There is obviously something that is preventing you from seeing this situation for what it is: abusive. Some places have schemes to provide low cost therapy, the GP may even be able to refer you. Women’s aid may also be able to help.

He was controlling, belittling and ignored you for days. Ontop of this, saying he wants you to move in but doesn't know if he loves you or wants a long term relationship?

What he wants is the status quo. Someone to belittle and emotionally abuse.

Keep away.

Calling someone a dumb cunt is an absolute dealbreaker. This man is persistent only because YOU walked away. He’s a horrible man that will only ever make you feel bad about yourself. Block him and move on.

I was with someone like this, who would be difficult and cause the issues and then somehow always managed to end up with me saying sorry and 'proving' we should get back together even though it was usually him who made the first move. It was almost impressive how he managed it. Not really though. Finally broke it off off and couldn't be happier. Go no contact. Immediately! It's the only way. Things will change but they will get worse if you stay with him.

Oh op! 🤗 All I can say and please don’t take this the wrong way as I’m trying to offer support but all I can think of when reading this is “Wow is your bar really that low that you’d actually go back to someone like this?”

There is another thread going at the moment where a lady has been dating a guy for a few months and one particular day he let her travel on a long journey by train to the hotel where he was staying whilst lugging a heavy suitcase in the dark and rain and he decided not to contact her all day, not to check in with her or ask what time she would arrive and when she finally arrived he could not be arsed to meet her at the station, he was told her he was in the gym and made some joke that he could meet her in the hotel bed! She turned back and got the next train home - and some people are literally lynching her on that thread saying she overreacted, why? Because a lot of women are willing to just accept being treated like dirt!! The op of that thread was not willing to be treated like dirt and set her boundaries!
Well having seen this thread it just shows what some women are actually willing to tolerate and how low the standards are that they are willing to accept from a man!

DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM, HE IS AN ABUSER! HE DOESNT LOVE YOU! HE IS A CONTROL FREAK!!!! YOU DESERVE SOMEONE BETTER WHO LOVES YOU!

Again, WHY do you want to be with him?

What is the appeal?