Going Crazy Deciding If I Should Go Back To Him

[EightiesGal]

Hi MN people
Im looking for advice on my situation.
I’m 42 soon. Have one son he’s 20. Lives with his best mate and another mate.
I split with his dad a long time ago. Just concentrated on him while he was growing up. Almost 4 years ago I started dating for the First time. My son wasn’t too bothered as he was 16 then and absorbed in his social life. He barely had anything to do with my bf but admittedly my bf made no effort to spend time with him or get to know him. I dated him for 18 months nearly then called it off. I was feeling insecure and there were things that I was unhappy about. He’s 9 years older, that’s ok as he’s mature and established in life. His two daughters are grown up.
The issues were he is a dictator. He probably means well but he would lecture me and talk at me not to me. He was always right and if I did things differently to how he wanted me to, he would be angry and even ignore me for a day or two. I felt criticised often and like I couldn’t be my authentic self. He would criticise my parenting too. He probably thought he was looking out for me and could be loving and caring but only when what I said and did met his approval. I could not tell him things that upset me about him without him becoming very angry, telling me I’m stupid and overreacting or telling me to F off. He is obsessed with porn and I tried talking about how that upset me and it was dismissed like everything else, swept under the carpet. Basically I learnt do not challenge him, he’s not changing, he’s going to do what he wants no matter what.
After breaking it off I took a job several hours away. Slightly better pay but I needed a change of scenery.
He has stayed in contact and didn’t want me to go. He has asked me to come back and actually move in with him. I’m not sure what to do. Most people would’ve given up the moment the partner left town, but he’s persistent. However he’s telling me that I need to win back his trust after leaving and his affections as I’ve been away a long time. He’s not in love with me anymore and not sure he wants me as a life partner, not sure he wants a long term relationship. I told him I want commitment and to settle down. I want to be wanted. It’s hard to just take a gamble that I pack up and go to him when he can’t reassure me he’s in it for the long haul. I realise there’s no guarantees in life but he’s being quite lukewarm which makes me worry he’s already decided he’s not wanting anything serious. He says I must take a chance and stop being so intense.
In conversations over the past 6 months he’s been very hot and cold and when he’s in a mood he calls me names, runs me down and swears at me. It hurts and he won’t apologise as he says I’m in the wrong for leaving and being away this long.
I still love him but I’m in two minds.
would love opinions

Yes do the necessary to heal. Blocking him would mean you end the manipulation, please consider it. And expect him to reach out in other ways to try to reel you back in. I believe God has plans for my life, and I consider that guy to be the “alternate plan” sent by the enemy to destroy me. Not sure what you believe, but I know that this keeps me going each day, to consider it an escape from what would destroy me.

With all the posts here and sage advice, I won’t go back or stay in contact. I’m wondering if he was always this way. He couldn’t have been if his wife had 18 years with him? Maybe her leaving him turned him to a narcissistic person?
Ive spent the whole time blaming myself that i can’t get it right and make him happy. I’m warped and fail. He even hinted that I would have pushed my ex husband away.

I have become a lot more spiritual lately and I believe God has a plan for us too.

Trust him with your life, he loves you and you have so much to give the right person, don’t let this cruel man drain you dry, just think you put your whole self into this and loved him well, and when it was time to get out, God made an escape for you, and don’t go back to what imprisoned you ever again x

Ironically I was listening to something on YouTube yesterday about signs God wants us to let someone go.
Thank you for your comments and advice and sharing your experience

Take this as your sign x

And of course he could have been like this with the ex for 18 years. I was with a man for 12 years from the age of 17, that beat me and cheated on me constantly. Evil men still get committed and subservient women, it’s what they look for, it doesn’t mean they aren’t making that persons life a living hell, just because the person stays longer than many others would x

Run, run as fast as you can and cut contact, so many red flags and examples of emotionally abusive behaviour which could easily escalate if you chose to live with him!

That’s really awful. Enduring years of physical abuse. Why are men such cowards.

@EightiesGal You sound so lovely and he sounds completely vile, please block him and have nothing more to do with him. Truly he is awful.

I definitely don’t ever want to be in a physically violent relationship. If people think this could be a possibility with him - I am extra determined not to put myself in that position

He couldn’t have been if his wife had 18 years with him? Maybe her leaving him turned him to a narcissistic person.

NO! This is absolutely wrong!! He had been this way since he was young. His poor ex wife was groomed and brow beaten for years!!
I bet she's so much happier he's gone.

(And I also bet whatever he told your about her is not true!@EightiesGal )

No no no no no. You can’t be turned into a narcissist. I guarantee his ex tells a very different story about their marriage.

The poor woman was trapped. Look at the number he’s done on you on a short time. Imagine 18 years of that drip feed.

And please OP stop talking about him, analysing his every action and trying to find reasons and excuses. Until you stop you will be at risk of going back.

You have to go NC and do everything you can to get this vile abuser out of your head because otherwise you’ll drive yourself mad.

Hes fucking evil and he will destroy you - what more incentive do you need to tell him to fuck off?

I think if you are honest with yourself you would admit that you are using this thread as a chance to indulge your wish to talk about him in a similar behaviour to "mentionitis" that is raised often on here. Probably people irl don't want to hear any more about him because of his poor behaviour. Disscussing him on here makes you feel connected to him and shows how powerful his hold is over you. I might be wrong but that's my guess. I've done similar myself when someone who was very charismatic ended it with me (though he wasn't abusive).

I hope you are still in the job that is several hours away from him ?

I’ve already stated I’m not going back or keeping in contact. I don’t want to be with someone if they don’t genuinely love me because I’m the type that gives 100% and wants commitment.
He does not talk about his marriage or when his kids were growing up or anything deep and personal. I’ve learnt not to ask questions because it makes him uncomfortable and angry.

No. Any posts is just me explaining the dynamics of the ‘relationship’ and trying to understand things, make sense of it and gain the strength and clarity to fix my situation

I understand you wanting to ‘understand’ the relationship dynamic.

In an earlier post you say he had been with his wife 18 years and did he become like this after he left his wife.

I was with my husband for 30 years before I finally saw what he was really like. It took a trained therapist to tell me my husband had narcissistic traits. Now I know more about this, all I can see are the red flags scattered through my marriage.

This just goes to show how clever they are at distorting your own sense of reality.

His wife left him, but he’s never said why except that oh well people fall out of love.
30 years is a long time to be in a marriage to a narcissist. You must be a very patient kind person

Nothing wrong with mentionitis when extracting yourself from something painful, if you have a really good friend who you trust, but it’s rare in real life for people to not get tired of it. I’m thankful I have a great friend who was going through something similar and we helped each other loads venting loads. Keeping it in isnt always helpful, so forums like this exist so we can do that without doing peoples heads in in real life

My ex also refused to discuss the past! Narcissist don’t discuss the past because they are hiding so much and a lot of current stuff is going on that you know nothing about! They prefer to keep their lives seperate most of the time (while it serves them) it does serve them to mention other women and triangulate but they’ll generally gauge how far they can push that. They are always gauging how far they can push various things. They want to keep you hooked but also make sure you are unsettled and eager to please. They have to get the balance right

His wife escaped!! Probably after years of abuse. She may well be patient and kind, but she was definitely ground down by his abusive behaviour.
I'm confident she did not stay because she is patient and kind, but becauses he convinced her for all that time that she was not able to cope on her own.

Yep I was destroyed...totally DESTROYED by one of these people -I was unrecognisable by the end.

Do not engage with him.

If you think he’s narcissistic, check out Caroline Strawson. She did a video series recently on understanding and recovering from narcissistic abuse you may find helpful.
Don’t underestimate the power of sunk costs in terms of staying with an abusive man. I was with Xh for 15 years! I didn’t realise he was abusive until we’d been together for 14 years and didn’t realise he was probably narcissistic until we’d been separated for almost a year.
Don’t beat yourself up for not seeing it sooner. It’s obvious to those of us reading it all in black and white now, in retrospect, but it doesn’t come to you like that. It’s comes a
a drip drip drip til you’re at the point where you’ve been manipulated so much they call you awful names and say it’s your fault and you believe them!
Do block him. Write a list of all he did, some where accessible like your phone. Every time you waver, look at it. It’ll help you not to be charmed back in. I have to have contact with XH because we have a child together, he still has the power to confuse me 2 years on! I just remind myself that he is the man who treated me terribly when he is being nice!

His wife stayed with him for the same reasons that you've stated in contact with him. Because he's a manipulative, headwrecking arsehole.

Npd and similar, form in early childhood (some debate as to age but, childhood). So no, his ex didn't 'make' him a narcissist.

And heads up, he wants you back so he can destroy you for leaving him in the first place.

Ruuuun!