Going Crazy Deciding If I Should Go Back To Him

[EightiesGal]

Hi MN people
Im looking for advice on my situation.
I’m 42 soon. Have one son he’s 20. Lives with his best mate and another mate.
I split with his dad a long time ago. Just concentrated on him while he was growing up. Almost 4 years ago I started dating for the First time. My son wasn’t too bothered as he was 16 then and absorbed in his social life. He barely had anything to do with my bf but admittedly my bf made no effort to spend time with him or get to know him. I dated him for 18 months nearly then called it off. I was feeling insecure and there were things that I was unhappy about. He’s 9 years older, that’s ok as he’s mature and established in life. His two daughters are grown up.
The issues were he is a dictator. He probably means well but he would lecture me and talk at me not to me. He was always right and if I did things differently to how he wanted me to, he would be angry and even ignore me for a day or two. I felt criticised often and like I couldn’t be my authentic self. He would criticise my parenting too. He probably thought he was looking out for me and could be loving and caring but only when what I said and did met his approval. I could not tell him things that upset me about him without him becoming very angry, telling me I’m stupid and overreacting or telling me to F off. He is obsessed with porn and I tried talking about how that upset me and it was dismissed like everything else, swept under the carpet. Basically I learnt do not challenge him, he’s not changing, he’s going to do what he wants no matter what.
After breaking it off I took a job several hours away. Slightly better pay but I needed a change of scenery.
He has stayed in contact and didn’t want me to go. He has asked me to come back and actually move in with him. I’m not sure what to do. Most people would’ve given up the moment the partner left town, but he’s persistent. However he’s telling me that I need to win back his trust after leaving and his affections as I’ve been away a long time. He’s not in love with me anymore and not sure he wants me as a life partner, not sure he wants a long term relationship. I told him I want commitment and to settle down. I want to be wanted. It’s hard to just take a gamble that I pack up and go to him when he can’t reassure me he’s in it for the long haul. I realise there’s no guarantees in life but he’s being quite lukewarm which makes me worry he’s already decided he’s not wanting anything serious. He says I must take a chance and stop being so intense.
In conversations over the past 6 months he’s been very hot and cold and when he’s in a mood he calls me names, runs me down and swears at me. It hurts and he won’t apologise as he says I’m in the wrong for leaving and being away this long.
I still love him but I’m in two minds.
would love opinions

He sounds absolutely horrible, and you will regret going back there .

Erm , and i think no one else wants him and that's why he suggested you should "win him back " as he sees you as easy victim for emotional abuse OP

You can do so much better 💐

Absolutely not

You had your child young (as did I no judgement) you spent years as a single parent where your son was the centre of your world. As soon as he leaves and gets on with his own life you end up settling down with a dictator that's going to want to control you.

Absolutely do not do this. When my daughter is grown and independent I very much intend to reclaim my 20s enjoying my new found freedom from parental worries (I appreciate you are never worry free). I'll be going travelling and working on my career and hobbies,, not being pinned down by someone like him. There is a reason why married men and single women are the happiest adults. He wants some one to wait on him and do as he says.

What do you want out of your future? Do you really want to fall into the traditional relationship now?
Do you want more children with someone - you just about have time although I would have liked more when DD was also small the thought or redoing it all now isn't an attractive idea.
Do you want to travel?
Take up new hobbies - not having to justify to anyone why you are out doing things X nights a week?

I cannot comprehend why you would even consider going back to him. The amount of brain space this decision should take is the second or so that it takes to think ‘No Way’

You don't love him. And he doesn't even like you. It's a big fat NO from me.

You're a strong independent woman. Find that backbone and block him.

This can't be real. You say you love this man but list a bunch of terrible behaviours. Usually, when someone is thinking of returning to an ex, there are good and bad things to consider, but I only see awful things. Either this is fake, or you know exactly what you should be doing but want all these replies as confirmation. Perhaps to show him? What would your son think of you if you went back? Being alone takes strength, I know that. But it's far better than being degraded on a daily basis by a man. Remember, if you go back, he will want to be intimate. How could you contemplate that with someone who degrades you? I am saying this as a person with experience of this, have some self respect. Your son, your family, and your friends will respect you far more for not going back, and that will compound your new found self respect. Before you know it, you'll be a new woman. Maybe even a happy one!

Run

So he's an aggressive,porn obsessed, dictator who sends to think you owe him something for everything the relationship. Why would you even consider getting back with him?!

Read back your post and underline all the good points about this man.

It’s all negative isn’t it?

You left him for a reason and he hasn’t changed .
He’s saying you should go back to him while at the same time telling you he’s lukewarm about you ?
There’s your answer,OP.

He just wants someone to listen to him yabbering on and to dictate to.If that’s what you want then go ahead.

Why is this confusing to you ? It seems pretty obvious to me.

Unless it’s a wind-up.

There is nothing good about this man. He is abusing and manipulating you and will ruin your life. Please, please cut him off. I feel very distressed for you reading this.

My mother would say, practice makes perfect. That is he will get worse when he is older. Better happy on your own. I have seen so many times men who get back to being difficult and then have a health problem. Dangerous

No. Don't be bonkers.

With respect, have you lost your mind?

Cut. Him. Off.

Why on earth would you return to such a horrible man? Pleas just move on and dont give him a second thought! you have managed 9 years away! please make it 99(rest of life!)

He sounds like a fucking prick. Why on earth are you putting yourself through this shite when you don’t have to? Tell this knob fuck off, and then fuck off some more. If you want a man then binning this twat will give you the brain space to find someone decent.

Get yourself together, he’s abusing you controlling etc
red flags 🚩
get away stay away you deserve better , the fact that you accepted this treatment is worrying, get some therapy if you can afford it
if not read up on controlling men etc
so you don’t rinse and repeat , self esteem and respect for yourself please
good luck

Why the fuck have you stayed in contact with this vile controlling abusive gaslighting porn obsessed piece of shit? He sounds like the biggest cunt on planet earth

The best thing you can do is block him on every communication channel and never let his dark negative energy cross your thoughts again

You're worth so much more than this complete and utter prick.

If I were you I'd dump and block this one, then really go for it with self-help books and YouTube videos. Not sure whether this happens in other areas, but in my doctor's surgery you can book counselling sessions without having to see the GP. Do you think that would be helpful?

Other than that try to do things that make you feel happier and more confident. What are your interests? The busier you are, the less you'll think about this man.

I only read your title to know the answer was 'no'. People don't change and the reasons you finished it the first time will still be there.

I do still have a bond to him however inexplicable as he could be really sweet and attentive. I would visit him and have nights there when possible and he would cook and wait on me and make great conversation, be affectionate, talk about the future with me in it and sounded like he wanted me as his long term partner. He became frustrated that I couldn’t move in with him and have a fulltime relationship as obviously I was looking after my son. Unfortunately though the flip side of him with the mood shifts and getting angry and then distant/ignoring me made me leave. He has a habit of bringing up past grievances and reminding me of things that I did to annoy him. He does have good points but right now the fact he can no longer say he categorically wants me as a loved, valued partner, makes me hesitant. I asked why he used to say I was the person he wanted but now he’s so wishy washy and he says it’s because I stuffed up by leaving.

OP, here is your OP turned into a list. At least 12 reasons why you need to block this man and move on. I am sure there are many more too. These are your own words. Imagine that a friend sends this list to you, would you advise her to try and "win him back".

I would advise her to run, wouldn't you?

The man is telling you that you must beg him to come back but also that he doesn't love you and doesn't want a relationship.

This man is abusive and still totally reeling you in.

1. he is a dictator.
2. he would lecture me and talk at me not to me.
3. He was always right and if I did things differently to how he wanted me to, he would be angry and even ignore me for a day or two.
4. I felt criticised often and like I couldn’t be my authentic self. He would criticise my parenting too.
5. He could be loving and caring but only when what I said and did met his approval.
6. I could not tell him things that upset me about him without him becoming very angry, telling me I’m stupid and overreacting or telling me to F off.
7. He is obsessed with porn and I tried talking about how that upset me and it was dismissed like everything else, swept under the carpet.
8. I learnt do not challenge him, he’s not changing, he’s going to do what he wants no matter what.
9. he’s telling me that I need to win back his trust after leaving and his affections as I’ve been away a long time.
10. He’s not in love with me anymore and not sure he wants me as a life partner, not sure he wants a long term relationship.
11. he’s been very hot and cold and when he’s in a mood he calls me names, runs me down and swears at me.
12. It hurts and he won’t apologise as he says I’m in the wrong for leaving and being away this long.

I’m quite worried after starting this thread that something fundamentally wrong with me because everyone here is unanimous about him being the problem and I’ve been looking at it in terms of he’s gracious and loyal to offer another go :(
I mean - let’s say he was writing here, his perspective would probably be that he dated someone 18 months, did his very best for her, she left, he’s still offering her a place in his life at his home and at his cost - and MN posts would be telling him he’s a nice kind patient guy.

Of course he’s nice and attentive when wants to be. He knows he’s reeling you in and by doing this he’s gaslighting you to think you’re the problem not him.

Hes a manipulator who knows exactly what he’s doing.

Honestly OP this man is showing more red flags than a Beijing May Day parade - watches doing is absolutely textbook manipulation and control.

You need to break all contact - you won’t see the reality until you stop facilitating his control of you.

Oh my goodness, this post is so shocking it almost doesn't feel real!
OP, you said he dictated, criticised, called you a c*nt. How is that doing his best for you?
Abuse aside, he doesn't even want to be with you and said he doesn't love you!
As others have said, please seek some professional help.

He would be classed as a nice patient guy if he wasn't constantly rubbing in your face that you left and what you could be missing. A good guy wouldn't need to say this.