Going Crazy Deciding If I Should Go Back To Him

[EightiesGal]

Hi MN people
Im looking for advice on my situation.
I’m 42 soon. Have one son he’s 20. Lives with his best mate and another mate.
I split with his dad a long time ago. Just concentrated on him while he was growing up. Almost 4 years ago I started dating for the First time. My son wasn’t too bothered as he was 16 then and absorbed in his social life. He barely had anything to do with my bf but admittedly my bf made no effort to spend time with him or get to know him. I dated him for 18 months nearly then called it off. I was feeling insecure and there were things that I was unhappy about. He’s 9 years older, that’s ok as he’s mature and established in life. His two daughters are grown up.
The issues were he is a dictator. He probably means well but he would lecture me and talk at me not to me. He was always right and if I did things differently to how he wanted me to, he would be angry and even ignore me for a day or two. I felt criticised often and like I couldn’t be my authentic self. He would criticise my parenting too. He probably thought he was looking out for me and could be loving and caring but only when what I said and did met his approval. I could not tell him things that upset me about him without him becoming very angry, telling me I’m stupid and overreacting or telling me to F off. He is obsessed with porn and I tried talking about how that upset me and it was dismissed like everything else, swept under the carpet. Basically I learnt do not challenge him, he’s not changing, he’s going to do what he wants no matter what.
After breaking it off I took a job several hours away. Slightly better pay but I needed a change of scenery.
He has stayed in contact and didn’t want me to go. He has asked me to come back and actually move in with him. I’m not sure what to do. Most people would’ve given up the moment the partner left town, but he’s persistent. However he’s telling me that I need to win back his trust after leaving and his affections as I’ve been away a long time. He’s not in love with me anymore and not sure he wants me as a life partner, not sure he wants a long term relationship. I told him I want commitment and to settle down. I want to be wanted. It’s hard to just take a gamble that I pack up and go to him when he can’t reassure me he’s in it for the long haul. I realise there’s no guarantees in life but he’s being quite lukewarm which makes me worry he’s already decided he’s not wanting anything serious. He says I must take a chance and stop being so intense.
In conversations over the past 6 months he’s been very hot and cold and when he’s in a mood he calls me names, runs me down and swears at me. It hurts and he won’t apologise as he says I’m in the wrong for leaving and being away this long.
I still love him but I’m in two minds.
would love opinions

I saw the sentence he was a dictator and didn't need to read anymore l, I obviously did but this man sounds so beyond awful I cannot believe you would even think for one minute going back is a good idea.
Do not under any circumstances go back to this man. Block him and forget his ever existed.

He has called me the C word several times and always when I’ve expressed paranoia about the amount of ex girlfriends he’s in comms with or his excessive porn interest. He says I make him out to lack integrity.
He also says that I’m lucky he’s still talking to me, nobody else would. The fact I left shows immaturity on my part to accept relationships have ups and downs and that most of his moods were caused by my stupid behaviour and choices. I should be doing everything I can to make up for abandoning him and come back and prove my worth to him.

His opinion is the dictating is because he’s exasperated that I don’t make better life choices and am so naive. He’s just trying to guide me and protect me from people who use me

Well he isn't. He's bullying and browbeating you until you no longer have faith in your own decisions.

Honestly, OP, he's such a clear and transparent tosser that I can't believe you'd even THINK about going anywhere near him again. What benefit, what plusses does he bring to your life? Any? And do they outweight the quite frankly appalling abuse that he also brings?

You really need to ask him to leave you alone now and not to contact you. Then block him everywhere.

If he somehow persists I think you need a chat to your local community police officer, then escalate further if he refuses to leave you alone.

He views you as his property. Emotionally, intellectually and physically.
He's a dangerous man.

This is so weird… I was convinced this was a zombie thread because I’ve read something almost identical before.

This man is abusive. Cut yourself free. He's playing psychological games with you.
Porn...it won't get better...ive been there...treating women with disrespect because they think they're only good for one thing. This man is bike. Go NC and find another man

He's following a well used script. Have you done The Freedom Program or read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft? You will find his behaviour described in both of these and what he gains from it. It will help you identify toxic behaviour and save you from pain, heartache and abuse. It is eye-opening, horrifying and life changing. Take back your power and go live your life without this awful man.

Probably the sides that are good when he’s being attentive, caring, normal, affectionate. Nice to have someone to protect me unless I’m confusing protection with control. Even though I’m independent it’s also nice knowing theres someone established financially if I get stuck. When you’ve spent so many years alone, it’s a comfort to have someone as a companion to do life with. someone to talk to, fall asleep next to, someone to hold

He is not going to protect you.
He is going to systematically destroy you. He's already halfway there.

Protect yourself from this abusive man, please

BTW
Being caring shouldn't be a 'side' to someone. It should be the permanent way of being that shines through every aspect of their behaviour.

Hmm, he's very good at what he does, isn't he?!

He has somehow persuaded you that you leaving was because YOU are the horrid person and HE is the kind and faithful person, left behind.

But the reality was that he was controlling, using abuse, silent treatment and negging to get you to do what he wanted you to do. That didn't work because you moved away.

So he changed tactic ever so slightly, and kept in contact, gave you love and affection. But every now and then (and by the sounds of it more frequently lately) he is slipping up and the real him shows through, and he is calling you names etc.

Once he saw that he got you interested in 'trying again' he felt he had won, and changed tactics to gain the upper hand, and try to get you to start jumping through hoops to 'win him back' when all the way up to now he had been the one 'trying to win you back'. Clever, clever game playing by him.

This is not a kind, loyal, man. This is someone who thinks he can control you. And that's because you didn't cut all contact when you moved away.

And then when you start to think what he will be like around your son? That man will NOT want you supporting your DS in any way, shape or form.

If he gets his clutches on you, he will force you to make him the centre of your world. What he says goes. You will never be able to tell him if he upsets you with his behaviour. Any deviation from this path will be met with coldness, anger, abuse, silent treatment and any other form of punishment he thinks up. He will isolate you from your friends and family and when you are completely alone this is the type of man that will turn to physical abuse.

Do NOT move back. Cut off ALL contact with him. Get your clarity and self confidence back.

He has from way back already stated he will never have my son live under his roof because he’s had his years of parenting (even though ex wife did the teen years) and he’s not taking on anyone else’s child.
He reminds me how self sufficient he is and doesn’t need a girlfriend and can get a woman any time he wants for some fun. He’s been on dating sites and certainly had his fair share.
I asked why does he want me back if he is so independent, can get anyone, and I’ve got so many faults. He just said that he thinks I’m a nice person, I have good points that outweigh the bad and hopefully I’ll work on my flaws and improve and be someone he wants to have a life with!

All I know is that over all the years post divorce, he’s the only man I’ve had any feelings for or interest in.
Maybe as people have posted, he’s a clever man and known all along how to get me hooked and keep me baited. I will need lots of help to completely wipe him, understand his hold over me and not allow it to happen again with him or anyone

Reading your updates, it seems that you've already decided you'll go back to him, whether you acknowledge that or not. Nothing anyone says here will help if you can't see this man for what he truly is. Most of us wouldn't touch him with a barge pole, even though he's got you manipulated into thinking he can get any woman he likes. Enough people on here have told you not to go back to him. There's really nothing more anyone can say. If you want to spend the rest of your life trying to make him love you and prove yourself to him, that's up to you. I know I wouldn't feel safe falling asleep next to a man who wants me to "work" at making him love me.

Look up “hoovering” by narcissists and you will understand why he sometimes nice and charming toward you, while at other times extremely vile. Manipulative people know that they have to throw you scraps of love to keep you bonded to them.
If he was nasty 100% of the time you wouldn’t be writing into this forum or feeling very confused, it would be an easy decision.
The only way to deal with a narcissist when you have a bond with them is to go completely no contact. It might be a good idea to find yourself a counsellor first to support you in the process of doing this because you are very vulnerable to his manipulation.

I haven’t agreed to going back. I’m just explaining why I’ve been considering it at all and the dynamics. If I’d made up my mind I wouldn’t be here asking advice

@EightiesGal

He has from way back already stated he will never have my son live under his roof because he’s had his years of parenting (even though ex wife did the teen years) and he’s not taking on anyone else’s child.

Please keep rereading this to yourself. Apart from everything you've said about how this man treats you - and will continue to treat you, which is bad enough - Why would you have anything whatsoever to do with someone who would say this about your child? 🌹

Thank you.
Theres a big part of me hates feeling like a failure and when I’m challenged to prove I’m worth it, there’s something inside of me that can’t handle feeling like I’ve failed or not good enough and wants to show people ‘don’t discard me’

The only failure would be going back to him.
Breaking up with him was imo a success and you should stay well away.
No good can come from this.

You'd be failing yourself if you went back and lived with him. He'd give you a dogs life once he has to living under his roof. I doubt he'd allow you to save either or give you access to his money either. Please block this guy and never look back.

He always tells me to go for the higher paying jobs and work more hours to get ahead. But no, apart from maybe helping me with smaller amounts of money if I was stuck as a loan - he would not give me anything. Pay towards a holiday if we went somewhere but what’s his is his. If I move in with him I would pay nominal rent mainly so that it would look like I’m a tenant not a de facto so I can never try get anything financially off him. I’m not like that anyway. Would never be after someone for money but it’s comforting if they care enough to want to help and not with ulterior motives

Don't go back to him. He's interested because you've escaped and it would be a hundred times worse if you went back. I would bet you'd be punished and have it thrown in your face again and again.

The being told that no one else would want you is a MASSIVE red flag and incredibly demeaning and unkind. No one who really loved you would say such a thing, they would think that they had to change and fight to get you back by being super kind and lovely and better than anyone else.

You deserve better than someone who insults and dismisses you and doesn't want to help your son (another red flag--I bet he sees him as competition).

Stop seeing his interest as flattering or exciting or a sign of love and block him. If he's such a prize I'm sure someone else will take him on, ha ha...

I wonder why he's obsessed with porn and has had lots of online relationships? Perhaps because he can't sustain a real relationship. Don't let him tell you in when you've made a life for yourself. Get a dog if you want something to cuddle and company--seriously!!!

I bet his ex wife had a story to tell!!!

However he’s telling me that I need to win back his trust after leaving and his affections as I’ve been away a long time. He’s not in love with me anymore and not sure he wants me as a life partner, not sure he wants a long term relationship"

your worth far more than this! Get your head on straight , block in all ways. And please learn to value yourself. I don’t know if it’s how it’s written but you sound almost grateful for the attention.

A few months ago, a friend of mine lives where are used to live told me an ex-girlfriend of his has been hanging around him. I realise being accused of something is not pleasant, and I did not accuse him but just questioned him. His reaction was awful, and I have never had somebody scream at me and swear at me like he did. it made me feel he was guilty, but he wasn’t, it’s not a healthy way to deal with conflict. He has never been the type to allay my fears, but dismisses them, or heightens them by his nastiness. Made me feel responsible for all the fights and saying, I push him away, and I even feel guilty.
Reading everyone’s comments, here has been a real eye-opener and made me Quite worried and upset that I have not been able to see properly the red flags