Husband caught cheating with work colleague

[anon19825]

It feels quite surreal to be talking about this but I caught my husband of 15 years cheating last night. I saw some messages that started off 'Thank you for your support today' and then they became increasingly suggestive, including one from him saying he bets she wants to 'beat something he has'. I confronted him and he confessed all saying that they've become very close at work; she's been supporting him with his problems and he's been supporting her with the recent breakup from her marriage. She currently lives alone with her 3 kids. She looks and sounds rough as rats. When I asked my husband what he wants to do he said he still loves me but has feelings for her and that he can't just 'turn them off like a tap'.
I am utterly destroyed. He has never once given me reason to worry in the past. We have a child who doesn't know anything yet. I have no idea what to do now, or if what we had is reparable.

Just another one to say cheating isn’t the end OP so please don’t just jump on the LTB bandwagon without taking time.
my OH had an affair over thirty years ago and we got through it, we’re still together.
only you know if you want to come through this with your marriage intact.
please don’t listen to all the man haters on here, make your own decision.

I am so sorry this happened to you. You don't have to make any fast decisions. From an outside perspective, the most powerful move would probably be to ask him to leave whilst you both figure things out. It's not ok for him to explore his options whilst still having you there and getting to stay at home like nothing has changed. Also, in my experience, having someone in your home and your space who has broken your trust is just heart wrenching and you shouldn't have to have a front row seat for him continuing to see someone else because that just sounds so hurtful and it will prevent you from moving forwards.

If you can, surround yourself with family and friends and people you trust whilst you process what has happened and decide how to move forwards. Whatever happens, you will come out the other side and you will feel happy again.

I'm inclined to agree with this, the shine is probably a very thin veneer and the 'rough as rats' will soon be glaringly obvious to him.
I'm so sorry he's being such a reprehensible d1ck😕

You are basically saying make a man fear something so that he will stay with you? I'm not sure about that as a tactic.

I'd put money on them having sex in the backseat - you know like a giddy teenager. He has said unbelievably hurtful things. Why on earth would you go to counseling with him - so he can explain in more detail why he prefers the rough as rats colleague.

If you did want him back, and putting aside the over optimistic views of mumsnet that open communication is key, I be taking a hard line. I'd be packing his stuff and delivering it to the ratsnest. I'd get legal advice and start the process rolling. He shouldn't have any illusions about you being a backstop if things don't work out with her. I imagine living with her and her three children will soon pall and dealing with his own likely deeply resentful child at the weekend will no doubt add another layer of unpleasantness to his ongoing life. Whatever you do get to any joint accounts before he does.

I think he'll be back within a couple of months with this approach but really I wouldn't want him back because he prioritised this woman over you and your child and didn't much care. I wouldn't be leaving the house to give him space either. Contact your inlaws to pass on the news that youre divorcing. Depending on the age of your child don't let him cast you as unreasonably wanting a divorce when he is the responsible party. I wouldn't be cooking for him or doing laundry. It's always a mystery to me why the other woman is so often a step down. I do recall one of my friends who was lovely - attractive, clever, a domestic serf to the housework, laundry and cleaning - bewailing that the other woman was dumpy and tubby. Incidentally, she now many years later very much regrets "saving" her marriage.

Oh dear, he is following 'the script' isn't he? First he's a giddy teenager, then it's one kiss, then several, then fumbling. There will be more.
OP - he needs to know what he could lose. You could ask him to leave and give you some space to decide what YOU want to do.
Or as I did - tell him I was looking for somewhere else to live (I was).
It gave him a shock and we are still together. It has taken a long time for me to trust him again, and even now, I'm not sure I do completely. I also lost respect for him for quite a while.
So it's not easy, but it is doable if that's what you really want.

Atm, he's probably feeling a bit puffed up. He's got 2 women who want him and he's acknowledged he's got feelings for the OW. If you take that choice away from him by telling him he's out on his ear, he's going to feel very differently. You don't want him anymore. His choice is to be on his own or with a newly separated woman (and her 3 kids) who may not want him around now that the thrill of an illicit affair has just vanished. It's now a bit of crunchy real life. Let him feel the very real consequences of his actions and then see whether you even want him back by that point. If he's happy where he is that tells you it was dead in the water anyway and has saved you the anguish of him flip flopping between the 2 of you while he makes his mind up. Horrible situation for you but you need to protect yourself from him.

You are basically saying make a man fear something so that he will stay with you? I'm not sure about that as a tactic.

Unfair to use the word 'fear', I'd say. Making someone realise the consequences of their actions and what they stand to lose is a viable option. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

I don't think statistically this is true. I understand it to be no more than 30% with the 5 year marriage survival rate dropping to around half that. After all, only around 50% of people remain in their marriages for life overall, so it doesn't seem logical that 'most' affairs result in the marriage continuing.
There are unfortunately people (mainly women) who feel they're not able to leave, or on the whole better off staying, often for financial reasons or ones connected to their children, but there's no data to suggest how happy they are, whether they are able to regain any trust or have peace of mind within their marriage. The idea that after one party has cheated, the other should be advised to 'work on the marriage' to keep the cheat doesn't sit right with me. If people choose to do that then I respect that, but statistically often it turns out to a fools errand, postponing the inevitable.

It might work if by work you mean accepting he has to stay with you for practical reasons, when he'd actually rather be with someone else. I can't see that bringing much real happiness to either party though. He grudging and resentful, she knowing he's tolerating her for his children and to keep his house and pension intact.

If it was me, my marriage would be done. If you can’t trust your DH to go to work, when can you?

i cant believe all these 'cheating doesnt have to be the end replies'. well, in my experience, once you forgive an affair, they eventually do it again even in years time. and how can you look a cheating husband in the face and feel love for him? and have any kind of respect for him? its up to you op, but once theyve got away with it once, in a few years time, they think they will get away with it again.

I agree totally with the post above. Please read it at least twice OP as it's the best plan for your welfare and future.

@anon19825 My now ex husband did the exact same thing, woman he worked with who had form for work liaisons and is great at playing the damsel in distress.
I did not see it coming, I would have said he wasnt capable of cheating- I was wrong.
Its shit and such a cliche.. but sadly very common.
From my experience and those of others I know who have gone through the same, I say brace yourself for the garbage to come out of his mouth in the coming weeks.

Be prepared for him to place the blame of his infidelity at your feet, he will announce that he’s been unhappy in the marriage and he
will rewrite your relationship history so much that you simply won’t recognise it and it will have you questioning what happened to the man you married- because he’s no longer the person you thought you knew.

my advice would be to try and take control of the situation, don’t be afraid to aak him to leave, if he’s determined to see her he will, regardless of where he is living.
Give yourself the grace to seek help in real life, I found counselling really helped me focus my mind.
I won’t lie this is going to hurt like hell, but once you’re through to the other side, you will feel so much lighter.
💐

What do you mean ‘unfortunately’ ??? You sound really patronising. Have you first hand experience? Staying in a marriage and working things out takes a lot of courage, it’s not just because people don’t have options!
There is no right or wrong answer to splitting up after an affair, only ‘right for you’.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you💐

Do not play the pick me dance.

As painful as it is, I would tell him to leave.

He’ll very likely soon realise what reality really looks like, but by that time you will have very likely decided that you don’t want the cruel selfish scumbag back.

Thank you again so much for your replies, they're giving me lots to think about. He's told me that he hasn't been happy for a while in our relationship and that there's something missing, but that it's his fault. He also said that when he started the affair he was wondering if he actually wanted to continue with the life he has and that he's on 'self destruct'. :(

Im so sorry OP. This is classic “the script”. See chapter 12

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

He wasn’t happy but instead of talking to you about it, he decided to get it on with another woman

His sounds awful, I'm sorry. He hasn't been happy- what has he done to fix things with you, to commit to making your relationship happy?Nothing. Just get with another woman. I'd be absolutely furious.

I feel for you, it's an impossible situation.

It almost sounds like he thinks he can have his cake and eat it too. He'll stay in your house and build a relationship with her if you let him.

I get that you're worried that he'll have more fun with her, given that it's new and shiny. He might have fun for 5 minutes.

But the reality is that it's a crush built out of secrecy and a lot of imagination. The illusion soon fades when faced with morning breath and the reality of living in a home with different rules, kids that aren't yours and a relationship that he can't get away from at work because she's there.

I know it hurts. There's no way around that feeling but to keep moving. Try not to let him take advantage of you.

I'm so sorry OP. As another poster has said this is classic behaviour. There isn't any coming back from that.
He's on self destruct all right but ensure you stay strong for what's coming 💐

Definitely read this op, I think I need a printed version. You're not alone

Well.... let him self destruct with this woman.
Your life will get better, I promise. 💐

@anon19825 I am so sorry that he just seems so unremorseful and it seems he’s pretty hell bent on this relationship with this OW. He’s not really showing any way back to you and in light of that you need to consider showing him the door. Listening to any more of this shit is just going to upset you more.