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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband caught cheating with work colleague

165 replies

anon19825 · 23/02/2024 21:50

It feels quite surreal to be talking about this but I caught my husband of 15 years cheating last night. I saw some messages that started off 'Thank you for your support today' and then they became increasingly suggestive, including one from him saying he bets she wants to 'beat something he has'. I confronted him and he confessed all saying that they've become very close at work; she's been supporting him with his problems and he's been supporting her with the recent breakup from her marriage. She currently lives alone with her 3 kids. She looks and sounds rough as rats. When I asked my husband what he wants to do he said he still loves me but has feelings for her and that he can't just 'turn them off like a tap'.
I am utterly destroyed. He has never once given me reason to worry in the past. We have a child who doesn't know anything yet. I have no idea what to do now, or if what we had is reparable.

OP posts:
caffelattetogo · 24/02/2024 08:15

Is he still in the house? Please read up on the script and be ready for him.

IggOrEgg · 24/02/2024 08:20

StephanieLampshade · 23/02/2024 22:42

You are likely getting the soft version of reality.

I love you but have feelings for her I can't turn off said outloud probably translates to I don't want to be the bad guy but I'm obsessed with her not you.

I'm really sorry.

Edited

Sorry this is happening to you. I completely agree with the above. He wants you to be ‘the bad guy’ and end the relationship, despite it being his appalling actions that have caused it.

Pigglyplaystruant99 · 24/02/2024 08:32

My exH, when caught, told me he 'thought he was in love with two people'. I promptly told him he would now be 'in love' with only one of them, secured the house from being remortgaged the next day with a solicitor, and started divorce proceedings. I know myself, and I'm not a person who could forgive infidelity. It's extremely painful but I survived, and thrived.

If I were you, I'd take great pleasure in telling him to go and learn to become a dad to four.

Rigsby7 · 24/02/2024 08:42

I would advise that you ask him to leave. Don't be surprised if he attempts to try and keep both relationships going. He might make moves to get back with you but end up bouncing between you and the other woman. That is incredibly damaging for you. Don't let this happen. Clean break, it's over.

HomeTheatreSystem · 24/02/2024 10:55

Catoo · 23/02/2024 23:29

I’m sorry OP.

Ask him to leave and go and live with her. The novelty will very quickly wear off with 3 kids that aren’t his own.

Then, when he inevitably comes crawling back, you can tell him to go fuck himself.

It will be hard OP. But you will get through it 💐

I second this. I absolutely guarantee he'll come crawling back in due course begging for a second chance.

If you do take him back, just be aware there's next to no chance it will work unless he's truly remorseful and fully acknowledges the damage inflicted on your family. He will need to put in the hard yards. Telling you at any point to stop banging on about the affair, it's in the past etc isn't it.

Original poster
anon19825 · 24/02/2024 13:02

Thank you so much for all your helpful replies. He is still in the house but we've both gone out at various points to give each other plenty of space. I'm so confused. On the one hand I desperately dont want him to leave but, on the other hand, I can hardly bear to look at him. Apparently it has 'only' been a kiss, but I don't know what to believe anymore..

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 24/02/2024 13:06

It would be over for me. He's not even contrite, to be honest. Telling you he can't just 'turn off his feelings for her' is a deal breaker. He shouldn't have developed them for someone else when he is married and a father.

I'd have lost all respect for him, and it's impossible to continue with someone you feel nothing but contempt for.

Original poster
anon19825 · 24/02/2024 13:12

He says he doesn't know what it is that he sees in her but that he's like a 'giddy schoolboy' around her. :( I feel like absolute sh*t

OP posts:
ginasevern · 24/02/2024 13:28

I'll tell you what he sees in her, she's stoked his over inflated, middle aged male ego. They really do think they deserve more no matter what sort of good deal they've got at home. She could (and probably does) look like the back of a bus - it doesn't take much with men. They've probably shagged but he won't tell you.

I went through it after 26 years of what I thought was a really good marriage. The shock nearly killed me. Kick him out. At best your marriage will only limp along from now on and the bitterness will eat you up fromt the inside out.

Catoo · 24/02/2024 13:28

anon19825 · 24/02/2024 13:12

He says he doesn't know what it is that he sees in her but that he's like a 'giddy schoolboy' around her. :( I feel like absolute sh*t

Your best tactic if you want him to get over this is to push him towards her.

How quickly the excitement will fade living with her and three kids 24/7 and missing his familiar life with you and DC. Especially if you seem to be enjoying yourself which you will make sure you do.

The alternative is an agonising waiting around pick me dance and letting him have all the excitement of the texts and sneaking off for chats etc.

💐

Mrsttcno1 · 24/02/2024 13:36

So sorry you’re going through this OP, honestly I would leave.

I think the fact he has admitted that he has feelings for her would be the nail in the coffin. This isn’t just a random woman that he’s seen in a moment of weakness and slept with, it’s someone he see’s and speaks to every single day and whom he has ultimately built another relationship with behind your back. I couldn’t forgive that personally, you deserve better x

p1ppyL0ngstocking · 24/02/2024 13:40

I agree with the PP, send him off to be with her and her 3DC; nothing will take the shine of their relationship quicker.

In the meantime, get yourself a good solicitor, divorce ASAP while he still feels (a little bit) guilty, so you're more likely to get a better settlement out of him.

Your marriage is over. How incredibly spiteful of him to tell you that she makes him feel like a "giddy teenager" 🙄. What a dick.

Meemawdebs68 · 24/02/2024 13:44

anon19825 · 24/02/2024 13:12

He says he doesn't know what it is that he sees in her but that he's like a 'giddy schoolboy' around her. :( I feel like absolute sh*t

OP I’m so sorry- my exh of over 20 years said the same thing to me about (ironically) his work colleague- he’d never felt like he does when he’s with her etc …. I told him to choose- he said he couldn’t and needed more time- I said if after 20 years and 3kids if he couldn’t choose me immediately she could have him! He left lived with her and came back 6 weeks later because their ‘love’ wasn’t the same- I’d ruined it for them by throwing him out! I grieved for that man for 10 years…. Part of my heart always will BUT I survived and you will too honey- you would find it so heartbreaking to try and stay with him . Muster every shred of courage and dignity you can and put you and your dc first. Big 🥰

pallyloo · 24/02/2024 13:50

Hi op

I've just been through the same thing in the past 10 months and I've posted a lot under different names. My DH was flirting via text with his work colleague also, difference for me she is absolutely gorgeous, no children but married. Obviously she was going to be more appealing than me at home on maternity with 2 under 2 and my lovely leggings look. However we were together 18 years and 3 children. I supported his hobbies and interests. We talked many times about people cheating and how the grass isn't always greener how the women lure you in like they are so perfect.

Unfortunately he wouldn't tell me the truth apart from the few texts I seen and so I feel like he done more that he's letting on. The trust for me was completely gone, I've never k ow hurt like it, I've cried for the best part of last year.

However I ended the relationship and made him leave. There was no going back from this ever. Blessing in disguise I say, she's married and so the relationship won't be going anywhere in a hurry and many other things he doesn't realise her. He can learn for himself what a mistake he has made and I'll happily stay single and show him what he's missing.

perfectcolourfound · 24/02/2024 13:54

I feel for you. This must be so hard. But don't be tempted to do the 'pick me' dance. You'll gain nothing from it, it will 'de-value' you in his eyes, it will tell him he has a back up in place if things with her don't work (so he has nothing to lose from trying it with her), and it will make you feel even worse about yourself.

Whereas if you act strong, don't let him see you cry, tell him you won't be anyone's option or second best, that you deserve better than him, that you'd like him to move out so you can get your head straight and decide what YOU want to do now, then you will make him think twice. And you'll feel stronger and you'll be more in control.

You do deserve better.

CrochetQueen12 · 24/02/2024 15:07

Lose a cheater, or lose yourself. Because that’s what will happen if u let him stay. And he will develop contempt for you for forgiving him. As affairs are so addictive, even if this one ends there will be another.

Never forgive this horrific betrayal.

Daz57 · 24/02/2024 15:11

I would ask him to move out immediately. There has to be consequences to his actions. It will also give you a breathing space to be able to think. I am sorry you are having to go through this. Good luck and big hugs.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 24/02/2024 15:11

That's one hell of a 'supporting someone with issues'. I've supported many people and never once have I resorted to discussing 'beating something of theirs'.

If they haven't DTD they've talked about it at least. Get him gone.

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 24/02/2024 15:16

How selfish of him to "confide" in you like that about his schoolboy crush. Pathetic and immature.

I really feel for you, OP, this must be devastating.

LaurieFairyCake · 24/02/2024 15:21

Well basically he wants to have sex with her

How does fancying a shag with someone trump a long relationship, a house and a child with you ?

It doesn't

There's loads of people I'd like to fuck - Jamie Dornan, Russell Crowe, about 3 of the Irish rugby team right now

But I don't go out to try and talk to blokes and get close to them so I can fuck them

It's fucking easy to NOT 'catch feelings' - you just don't nurture them, you don't feed them

And VOILA ! You then don't fuck someone else...

BlueSkyBlueLife · 24/02/2024 15:24

I’m really sorry @anon19825
Im afraid I don’t think it’s reparable because he is showing no remorse. But instead says he can’t help it because he has feelings for her and feels giddy 🤮🤮

Whats next? Take control! You’ve learnt about the affair. He doesn’t get to cal the shots agd decide what abd when things will happen.

The logic would be to kick him out.
But I think the best is for you to do it in your own terms.
Look at finances and what it will mean. Could you stay in your current house etc…
Are you working and do you feel it’s enough to live on?
Are you entitled to benefits etc…?
Then I’d book a solicitor and starts gathering the information you need.
Take a couple of days of hols if you need.
And then decide when he should go.

Cornflakelover · 24/02/2024 15:29

A bloke doesn’t leave for another woman unless he’s “ tried out the goods” first

They might say they didn’t get together before they left - but I would bet the winning Lottery ticket that none of them do
Most of them jump from bed 1 to bed 2

if he admits that he has feelings for her then he’s 99 percent fucked her .

He won’t admit that to you yet in case she won’t take him in if he leaves you and he’s left with nowhere to go

but the fact that he’s told you he has “feelings “ for her most likely means they have had sex

Make it easy for them - kick him out
let her have him
it will soon wear off when reality hits them both

Cornflakelover · 24/02/2024 15:32

Oh and actions have consequences

so by the action of him telling you that he has “feelings “for another woman

he can suffer the consequences of his actions

if your smart you will kick him out
while you decide what YOU want to do

don’t be a passenger in your life
don’t let him and her decide what happens

let them both take the consequences for their actions

lenalemonade · 24/02/2024 15:37

I feel for you darling -I have been there .
Best advice I can give is kick him out .
I myself spent an agonising year doing the "pick me dance "before I knew it was a thing .This was a long time ago .

Nearly died because I couldn't eat ..looked like a skeleton and finally gave my head a wobble ..got rid ,picked my career back up ,brought my boys up alone and currently on a mini break with my lovely husband number two who worships me .

Your wee heart will be breaking ,but I promise you will find strength you never knew you had -big hugs .xx

HarrietStyles · 24/02/2024 15:39

anon19825 · 24/02/2024 13:12

He says he doesn't know what it is that he sees in her but that he's like a 'giddy schoolboy' around her. :( I feel like absolute sh*t

I could never come back from this statement. Even if he begged forgiveness, changed jobs and promised to make things work with me……. This comment would repeat in my head.

You are worth so much more than this. Don’t be his back up plan, second choice. You need to stand up tall, tell him he needs to move out today, and that you need space. Try not to cry until he has left.

Di you have a trusted family member or friend who can come over and spend the evening with you? X