Husband caught cheating with work colleague

[anon19825]

It feels quite surreal to be talking about this but I caught my husband of 15 years cheating last night. I saw some messages that started off 'Thank you for your support today' and then they became increasingly suggestive, including one from him saying he bets she wants to 'beat something he has'. I confronted him and he confessed all saying that they've become very close at work; she's been supporting him with his problems and he's been supporting her with the recent breakup from her marriage. She currently lives alone with her 3 kids. She looks and sounds rough as rats. When I asked my husband what he wants to do he said he still loves me but has feelings for her and that he can't just 'turn them off like a tap'.
I am utterly destroyed. He has never once given me reason to worry in the past. We have a child who doesn't know anything yet. I have no idea what to do now, or if what we had is reparable.

Op I'm sorry. I've been where you are, last year.

For now? Don't do anything. You need time and space. Decisions shouldn't be made on emotions and you have a hell of a lot to work through right now.

So things for YOU now, and not for him. There is nothing you should do that would prevent him from doing what he is, because he shouldn't be doing it. Therefore if he is, he is making his own conscious choices he's a grown adult.

The pain is unbeable so be kind to yourself and get mad, be sad, and let it out. I found writing down my thoughts on my phone a good way to get it out of my head and to look back on too.

But take time. Don't rush anything. Your terms and conditions now.

Let him go and live with her and her three kids! Sounds like a nightmare.

I’m sorry, OP. Only you know if you can forgive him, but tbh, it doesn’t sound like he’s going to be stopping this affair.

My exH left the same day I finally found out about his affair, which I’d suspected but didn’t want to admit to myself. I did snoop on his phone and found their messages. I felt completely sick, heartbroken and scared of the future. The love I’d had for him vanished immediately though. I couldn’t have forgiven him, but didn’t get the chance to anyway. He made it perfectly clear he loved her and not me.

Your situation sounds a bit different. He’s still hanging around. Maybe the financial implications are hitting him? I suggest you see a solicitor sooner rather than later.

100% this!!! That’s what I said to my exh- at what point did you think it wasn’t going to be an affair?!! When you are attracted to someone and make sure you are in their company over and over again and it leads to coffee then lunch then after work drinks and exchanging numbers and texts and upping the flirting…. Inevitably you will sleep together. It’s a bloody CHOICE not to allow temptation to get a hold on you!

Absolutely second this, well said @Namechange666

I haven’t read the whole thread yet but so sorry OP you are going through this. If he wants to take on 3 kids with this woman then I would wave him off. He will regret it. But by then it will be too late. Look after yourself, you are so much better than your husband. This situation is tragic but and you will have the last laugh x

Op let him go be with her and look after her 3 children he's a fool and you're better off with out him. Her three children are upset their dad has left their mother and he wants to step in the scene they will eat him alive foolish man.

Yeah, it's possible. And it's not easy to leave. With one a child, marriage, house, and feelings are still there. It's worth giving it a go, at least you've tried.

Still, I definitely think from what op has said, this man is extremely selfish, playing the field, unwilling to change and it's going to be very difficult. Unhealthy dynamics are often created when boundaries aren't set and the other person feels more desperate/insecure/heartbroken.

I really do hope, for OP's and their child's sake, that things work out well and this guy comes to his senses.

It doesn't sound like he wants to save things with you but likely doesn't really know her anywhere near well enough to shack up with her.

Kick him out. There is a very good chance that he will find the grass is not greener on the other side, that shacking up with her is not the fantasy fairytale he has in his mind and she may not even want that anyway.

Give yourself time to decide with him out of the house, out of the way, what YOU actually want. It may not be possible, but you don't really need him underfoot and he doesn't seem to really know what he wants at all given the thing he thinks he wants is almost certainly not 'real'.

Just make sure he can't spaff the whole shared joint account on her and her kids to impress her and wangle his way into her home!

So sorry OP. What a terrible shock.

Only you can decide whether it’s forgivable & despite the MN narrative marriages do survive infidelity.

You don’t need to do anything rash. Let yourself physically recover & the questions (& anger) will come in time. Relate are a great resource too. You can see them alone or with your husband.

I'm so sorry. What a sickening shock.

Infidelity can be recovered from. Or it can be the end. Don't make any rash decisions, but do what you need to do to look after yourself right now.

The book State of Affairs by Esther Perel is a very compassionate and supportive read, I'd get a copy and read when you feel able to concentrate on something at all, which I imagine will be very hard right now.

I agree with the posters who suggest you ask him to move out so you can think and have space to decide what you want to do.

He is obviously not that sorry though and enjoyed his bit of fun being a giddy schoolboy. He does not seem concerned about losing you either. Even if you wanted the marriage to survive he needs to work harder for you.

This is all a fun fantasy right now OP, she's on the rebound, they're both desperate for attention and he's caught up in the novelty of it.

The reality of living with her and her three kids by someone else though is likely to be a very different prospect from snogging and fumbles on the back seat. Not quite so shiny and exciting then.

I agree with asking him to move out while you get your head together - and if you have a close relative like your mum that could come and stay for a bit then ask them for some support.

Please don't beg him to stay.
Keep calm, keep your head held high and break down when he's not around.

You can and will make it through this. He's living in a fantasy world right now but when he's in the reality of 3 kids with a rough woman, he'll soon realise how badly he's fucked up.

Name change for this but I found out my husband of 25 years was having an affair a year ago. I won't go into the details but unfortunately in a very public and unescapable place in front of my teenagers. Also with a work colleague and, despite only seeing her for 8 weeks, he said he loved her.

The last year has been horrendous, cycles of anger and sadness while having to put on a cheerful front for my kids. I have felt at rock bottom for most of it.

My advice would be to give it time as the first few days and weeks are a maelstrom of emotions. MN can be very unforgiving of affairs which is understandable. But there may be something worth salvaging and I wouldn't make any rash decisions.

My husband and I have just agreed to give it another go, although with trepidation. I have a lot of divorced friends and some of them wished they'd fought harder to save their marrIage. It might be the right thing for you to walk away, and you'd be well within your rights to take that path, but I'd take your time to process everything first.

Don't make any decisions about anything at the moment.
The hurt and bewilderment you are currently feeling is awful, I've been there - its truly horrendous.
Have a look at the surviving infidelity website, lots of balanced resources on there.
A dose of reality would do you husband good, he is in a fantasy land.

he still loves me but has feelings for her and that he can't just 'turn them off like a tap.

Yeah, whatever, he’s a snake. But, I agree with @manipulatrice , take your time thinking about what you’re going to do, it’s on your terms and conditions now. 💐

I’m so sorry this is happening. What an absolute shit. I have no idea what you should do. I hope you have lots of support around you. X

At the moment he is confiding in you about being giddy like you're his best friend (becasue you always have been, haven't you?). If you tell him to get out, he'll realise he stands to lose everything - partner, family, best mate. Is a quick shag with a rough lady with a lot of baggage worth more? Not at all. He'll see that when things are out in the open and he's thinking he now has to take her home to mum and his mates. Contrary to the MN narrative, not all men who cheat once do so again, as they realise they have become something disgusting and do the work to restore trust. BUT... you also need to think of the future. Can you learn to live with this (you don't need to forgive him - ever) or is a clean break better for you? For what it's worth, I don't like Esther Perel - as far as I'm concerned, cheaters don't deserve any understanding. Unhappy? Then tell your spouse, do the work, or leave. Cheating is never justified and nothing in a marriage ever got fixed by jumping into bed with a third party behind your spouse's back.

You feel qualified to announce her marriage is over based on two paragraphs? Be careful!

@Mallani I agree that he still views the OP as his best friend, but the problem is that he’s not HER best friend anymore.

Perfect username.

It's really easy to say "kick him out" etc., but if your life will be miserable without him, is that what you want?
I'm not sure I could get past it, but I know a few couples who have.

Snap decisions are not always the right ones.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Good luck.

I would ask him to leave so you can think about what's best for you and your child going forward.

Remind him he's not only fucked up your marriage, but your child's family home life.

I wouldn't protect his reputation from family, either. The rat.

Supporting each other when not together is so much different than sharing a life with someone - reality will hit if he leaves to move in with her and her three children. It’s not going to be the lovely romantic vision he currently has. Look after yourself OP, and be strong. You’re emotionally vulnerable right now - take back control from him, and don’t let him emotionally manipulate you. He has made his choice.

Similar for me. Cheating husband who I threw out, and he lived with her for a time before he realised the grass isn’t always greener. We did eventually get back together, and are pretty strong now 6 years later. Hasn’t always been easy, but I have no regrets. Cheating doesn’t always mean the end of a marriage, but it of course depends on the circumstances, and whether you can overcome it all. Some people can’t and won’t forgive. And that’s fine too.