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Original poster

Husband caught cheating with work colleague

165 replies

anon19825 · 23/02/2024 21:50

It feels quite surreal to be talking about this but I caught my husband of 15 years cheating last night. I saw some messages that started off 'Thank you for your support today' and then they became increasingly suggestive, including one from him saying he bets she wants to 'beat something he has'. I confronted him and he confessed all saying that they've become very close at work; she's been supporting him with his problems and he's been supporting her with the recent breakup from her marriage. She currently lives alone with her 3 kids. She looks and sounds rough as rats. When I asked my husband what he wants to do he said he still loves me but has feelings for her and that he can't just 'turn them off like a tap'.
I am utterly destroyed. He has never once given me reason to worry in the past. We have a child who doesn't know anything yet. I have no idea what to do now, or if what we had is reparable.

OP posts:
Wizzadorra70 · 23/02/2024 21:59

Your marriage is over. Once trust has been broken, you'll spend the rest of your life waiting for him to do it again. You are worth so much more. Don't be his doormat, no matter how much this hurts Flowers it's horrendous but you'll get through it.

WhamBamThankU · 23/02/2024 22:00

Kick him out. You shouldn't be an option, you should be the only option.

friendswiththemonstera · 23/02/2024 22:02

Did he tell you if anything physical has happened? What problems has he been talking to her about...? I'm surprised he so brazenly told you he has feelings for her.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 23/02/2024 22:03

Given that he said he has feelings for her I'd say that's massively difficult to come back from. I'm so sorry you're going through this, I've been there, it's horrific.

DaftyLass · 23/02/2024 22:04

You don't need to make any decisions right now. Take a day or two to process it, make sure there is no other shoe waiting to drop, and just breathe.
You may feel a lot of different emotions at once, this isn't the time to decide anything.
When you feel calmer, then make sure you do what's best for you, so you can do your best for your lo.

adriftinadenofvipers · 23/02/2024 22:05

I'm sorry but it's unforgiveable. You can never trust him again. Look after yourself.

FPCculture · 23/02/2024 22:06

He has emotionally moved past your relationship, it's time you accept this and talk about where you both go from here as far as your relationship. Good luck and unfortunately, its not shit on his part as many may suggest because his is more common than not . We spend the majority of our days at work and interact with colleagues more than life partners (not saying he is right btw )

HiveSentinelApis · 23/02/2024 22:07

All the best and positivity op @anon19825

HelloDarlingWhatAreYouDoingHere · 23/02/2024 22:10

I'm so sorry Op, it's devastating to learn that the man you loved and built a life with us actually a lying piece of shit.

Tell him to go and live with Ratty, give him
your blessing. Get him out of your house and start rebuilding your life.

I hope they are utterly miserable together.

Whattodo112222 · 23/02/2024 22:10

Kick this fellow rat bag out

WandaWonder · 23/02/2024 22:10

How did you see the messages? If you were snooping it was over then

RandomForest · 23/02/2024 22:15

He's a rat and she's a snake, supporting one another, ffs.

Stop this very instant doing anything for him.

Namechange666 · 23/02/2024 22:21

WandaWonder · 23/02/2024 22:10

How did you see the messages? If you were snooping it was over then

Oh please.

I see this trotted out time and time again.

In some instances maybe. However, when people have an inkling that something is going on, they often don't know until they have proof. And the cheater is hardly going to provide it are they?

Sometimes it is warranted!

Opentooffers · 23/02/2024 22:33

He turned his feelings off for you like a tap when he got with her.
He's not denying and minimising, it would seem. He's laid it out totally, he has feelings for her, and to him they must feel deep as he hasn't denied her, and even after the shock of being found out, he stands by his feelings for her.
For now, end it, ask him to leave. I think you'll find in time that he regrets being entwined with someone new out of a marriage and with 3 DC's in tow. When the excitement of sneeking is not there, and he becomes work gossip (find a way to make sure they find out), the fun will wear off. To her, he's probably a needed ego boost after her marriage fail, not a forever person.
That he could do this means he was not loyal to you in the first place. Demand more for yourself than that.
Kick him out, then see how you and he feel down the line about it best way for now and gives you choices.

breakfastdinnerandtea · 23/02/2024 22:33

I would tell him that I was making the decision for him and ask him to leave. He's treating you like an option, don't let him walk all over you.

RandomForest · 23/02/2024 22:35

WandaWonder · 23/02/2024 22:10

How did you see the messages? If you were snooping it was over then

You'd be good in a crime field, or national security, well we'd like to save the people but it mean't having to look on their phone so I'm out 😂

Do you really think real life consists of believing what people tell you, if someone behaves badly and there is, or could be a crime then you look for evidence.

You...

Snooping = very bad

Shagging someone behind their back = perfectly acceptable if you can get away with it.

MILTOBE · 23/02/2024 22:37

WandaWonder · 23/02/2024 22:10

How did you see the messages? If you were snooping it was over then

Oh behave yourself.

MILTOBE · 23/02/2024 22:39

It sounds as though he's infatuated and she's no good at being on her own and so she's hoping he'll move in with her.

I'm so sorry. The fact he couldn't even make an immediate decision tells you this isn't a man who's worth holding onto.

StephanieLampshade · 23/02/2024 22:42

You are likely getting the soft version of reality.

I love you but have feelings for her I can't turn off said outloud probably translates to I don't want to be the bad guy but I'm obsessed with her not you.

I'm really sorry.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 23/02/2024 22:44

How long have they been chatting, you don't catch feelings after a five minute chat by the photocopier.

I would ask him to pack a suitcase and move out, while you make a decision about what you want

Businessflake · 23/02/2024 22:45

She looks and sounds rough as rats.

Really?

Secondstart1001 · 23/02/2024 23:01

Sorry to hear this … sounds by the sexual nature of the message that they have prob already DTD. Even if they hadn’t the emotional affair in itself would be soul destroying. You are probably still numb with shock. Easy for everyone to advise you to get rid but have you spoken to him properly ( has he tried to talk to you?) .. why do these men go for such tramps?

Catoo · 23/02/2024 23:29

I’m sorry OP.

Ask him to leave and go and live with her. The novelty will very quickly wear off with 3 kids that aren’t his own.

Then, when he inevitably comes crawling back, you can tell him to go fuck himself.

It will be hard OP. But you will get through it 💐

CharlotteLightandDark · 23/02/2024 23:41

What an absolute joke he is. So sorry OP you must feel awful.

He is going to crash and burn. Sad midlife crisis wanker.

Franticbutterfly · 23/02/2024 23:46

I'm so sorry you are going through this holy hell that you find yourself in. It is heartbreaking.

I have no advice. I've stayed with my (twice cheating) DH. I guess the clue in the twice bit though.

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