Husband caught cheating with work colleague

[anon19825]

It feels quite surreal to be talking about this but I caught my husband of 15 years cheating last night. I saw some messages that started off 'Thank you for your support today' and then they became increasingly suggestive, including one from him saying he bets she wants to 'beat something he has'. I confronted him and he confessed all saying that they've become very close at work; she's been supporting him with his problems and he's been supporting her with the recent breakup from her marriage. She currently lives alone with her 3 kids. She looks and sounds rough as rats. When I asked my husband what he wants to do he said he still loves me but has feelings for her and that he can't just 'turn them off like a tap'.
I am utterly destroyed. He has never once given me reason to worry in the past. We have a child who doesn't know anything yet. I have no idea what to do now, or if what we had is reparable.

He is very likely to have shagged her - they always minimise, ffs what a cliche

OP I would ask him to leave if I were you. He will have a real shock when he sees you living your best life (and I promise you, you will) while he's stuck with his rough tart and her kids.

He'll be begging to come back and hopefully by then you will know your worth and fabulousness and laugh in his face at his sheer audacity.

What a twat.
You deserve so much better x

And that’s why it’s making it so hard to understand.
I think it’s also pretty normal fir you to struggle to get your head around it.

Staying down to earth on what is possible or not is the best thing you can do and also the hardest.

The biggest red flag here is the fact he isn’t fighting for you. He isn’t telling you how sorry he is. He isn’t telling you’re the only one and he’ll stop seeing the OW. It’s all the things he should be doing to save the marriage that he isn’t doing just now.

I know some posters are saying ‘try counselling’ or try to repair things, 15 years is worth it. And on paper I agree. But ONLY when BOTH partners are making an effort. Only when the cheating partner is ready to move heaven and earth to make it work. And unfortunately, your dh isnt.

Playing the “Pick Me Game” with a spouse who doesn’t care , is far more painful than being divorced.
Marriages can only be saved with effort and real change from both parties.
He is too blinded by his b….

I agree with this. Think about what your boundary is and stick to it.

At the moment he will be pretty much boundary-less as he is experiencing infatuation and limerance (the giddy feelings he describes). He is not going to be thinking logically or weighing up pros and cons. Instead he will be ‘following his feelings’ which is never sensible because feelings are often very transient and unreliable.

This means you need to be clear about what you will and won’t accept. Let him know this. Clearly and succinctly.

You have a right to be very, very angry but anger can lead us to act in a very feelings-driven way when what is needed is a cool head.

Look after yourself OP. Don’t lose your own life while he is acting chaotically. Don’t let yourself be drawn into the drama he is creating. Set your boundaries, get yourself support and remember that you are so much stronger than him.

OP he may well feel happy. For about a fortnight . Then the hot sex will be not so exciting but the reality of living with a rough looking and sounding woman with 3 dc will start to become obvious.

I wouldn't take him back at that point I couldn't. Knowing thought it might be better with someone else would end it for me.

It will absolutely kill you thinking of them in bed together but it's one of those rip the plaster off moments. It will be horrible but you will come through and you will end up stringer he will end up broken. Idiot.

I think if this were me I would be telling them there are 2 doors, behind door number 1 is cut this woman off in all respects, turn into this marriage and try to make it work. You may change your mind about wanting this man but for now it is an option.

Behind door number 2 is you asking him to find out the value of his pension pot and any savings/investments in his name. I would be telling him that the house will be valued and that you need to get an up to date value as to the outstanding mortgage. Also that he will need to tell his family and friends about his decision to leave his marriage. This love sick man might actually be brought up short when he realises what this is actually going to cost him, his house, his money, his children and weekends with his children adding into the 3 she has already if they shack up together.

Right now it is just her, not her children and their lives plus his own children and their lives blending in together.

I am sorry this has happened OP.

I think your desperation to not have him leave is very telling of the power dynamic in your relationship, as is his brazen admitting to feelings he can't turn off, because whether that's true or not, it's the last thing a man caught out, thinking hes going to lose you and desperate to prevent that would say. Unfortunately it seems you want this relationship more than he does, which is a horrible position to be in, and brings very little happiness or peace of mind. Please don't fall into the pick me trap. He's setting you up for that. I promise you, that's a game that even if you win, the cost is too great and the prize too small.

I'm worried that if I kick him out he'll go to her and realise he has a better time and relationship with her

The sense of winning is understandable but it isn’t real. And if you act on it you’ll end up trying to be seductive and sexy and proving how much fun you are.

Kick the little pig out. The very best thing you can do is to force this affair to become a real relationship. Many ow feel secret contempt for these weak men who are so willing to risk their marriages for a cheap grope.

The classic MN advice is to leave and never look back, but statistically, most marriages where there have been affairs dont end, and there are people who get through it. It is definitely not easy, and not without some help/counselling, but dont let anyone tell you that you MUST leave if you dont want to.

In this case, it's sensible advice.

There is a very big chance that the power dynamic will shift. He's in control and has options. He knows op will be there if his affair doesn't work, and AP is there if marriage fails.

She's trying her hardest to commit and getting nothing back. He's a 'giddy schoolboy' and sneaking off with someone else.

The more you try with a man who isn't committed, the worse it gets. The respect is gone. You're simple an option. There's no consequences to his actions, so he will not change.

What do YOU want OP ?

MN is so gung ho that even a trace of infidelity is the end of all things...

I am not so black and white... I am with a DH who had a similar dalliance 23 years ago. .. never did it again as way too scared on what he had to loose.. didn't make it easy for him though !! 4 months on his mothers couch did it ..

Having been through all of this myself before, I agree with all of this post from @frameitthus and it portrays succinctly what the painful process of divorce really looks like in the cold light of day.
If he's not even prepared to even think about the situation he's put you in, then you know where you stand OP and to accept that your marriage is over. I'm so sorry to be blunt 💐

I'm sorry OP - it is devastating, though it may or may not be the end. He's in the midst of limerance presently, pretending to be the best version of himself while she flatters him and has the advantage of newness. However... that won't last, and all magical secret affairs begin to look grubby when held up to the light.

So - shine that light. Tell your friends what he's done. Tell his parents. And finally, tell him to get out - he can't live under the same roof as you if he's carrying on the affair as this isn't fair on you and your child after what HE CHOSE TO DO. If he goes to her, then so be it. Tell him you're starting to look for a divorce, and this is HIS FAULT. A natural consequence of HIS ACTIONS. Take half the money from the joint account, and see a solicitor for an initial chat. Hell, get the ball rolling with the CSA. Let him know you mean business. With the affairs I've seen, most men have a drastic re-think once everyone knows they're a dirty cheat and they realise they can't have their cake and eat it. At the moment the ball is in his court - he's living with you and seeing her. Take back control.

15yrs is a long time.

If it were me, I'd have no respect for him and zero trust. I just couldn't get past it and I'd make my life miserable churning it over if I didn't just end it. I just couldn't make it work. That's me though.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you gain the strength to make the right desicion for you xx

No @ChowChowuaua we dont have enough information really and while OP may decide to leave, there are plenty of people who dont and it may not be right for her. There are so many factors to consider here that the typical MN jump to conclusions and say to leave is not helpful. OP, couples counselling would be helpful.

''He bets she wants to beat something he has?'' Eww..Beat his ass, @anon19825 Leave him.

How can you possibly trust this man again?

Into the bin with him. 🗑️🚮

I'm sorry but rough as rats made me laugh.

im sure op you know is a him problem rather than a her problem but fuck it when you are hurting you do blame anyone you can and tbh rough as rats is as good an insult as any

in real life people make mistakes all the time for such silly reasons really. Only you know if it's worth working on and I for one won't blame you if you did.

Don't have enough information, what?

Yes we do. We have enough information to say what's likely to happen. Lots of sensible posts on this thread about the reality of the situation.

We all know MN can be ridiculous with LTB. And I've even said in an earlier post, trust can be repaired.

This man patently does not respect op. He's comfortable telling her that he's giddy for another woman. He says he can't turn it off (ie refuses to commit to his wife, and prioritise her over AP, and isn't worried about losing his wife either). That is a terrible sign.

It could improve, but not by instantly forgiving him. And not by trying to commit when he doesn't want to. The best way to repair would be to separate. And go from there.

If he can have his head turned by someone showing him a bit of attention then there's every chance he'll do it again in the future. Start collecting info you'll need to separate from him. Likelihood is that he will see the grass isn't greener at some point, but don't be weak and allow him to come crawling back. I wish you well OP.

This is the best answer. It gives you space to process things, it keeps your dignity and it chucks him out so he gets an idea of what he'd be losing. Then you can think about whether you'd want him if he came grovelling back, or not.

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

If he's admitting to groping/fondling then that's probably the least he's done with 'rough as rats' and if it hasn't gone further then it soon will.

I expect he's hoping to continue his comfortable home life with you while indulging in this affair on the side. You're his wife and you're worth more than that aren't you! He's hurt you, broken his vows and played with fire. There's no genuine remorse from him and he says he can't stop feeling how he does about her.

What are you prepared to accept? To sit back and wait for him to leave you of his own accord? To let it go and hope the affair fizzles out? To tell him you're more than he realises and kick him out? It's hard to make that decision after 15 years together when you still love him. Whatever you decide, just keep telling yourself that you're better than second best and if he can't see that then he's a pathetic loser who doesn't deserve you.

You investigated because you knew or had suspected for some time that he was off.

Your Spidey senses were telling you the truth.

Whether they've done it or not yet he's mentally moved on - in love, infatuated, whatever, his head is turned.

Don't do the pick me dance.

Tell him to move on so you can both get on with your lives.

Solicitor and finances sorted on Monday.

Mother and child are a unit.

He's leaving you both.

I have no patience with men who do this.

He will almost certainly try to crawl back when the reality of a bunch of other man's kids and the separation from his own hits home.

I’m sorry you’re hurting OP.

By allowing him to stay around you are increasing the excitement and fantasy and drama for them.

Agree with a PP - you have to rip this plaster off. He’ll find out one way or another whether he has a ‘better time’ with her - whether you ask him to leave or not.

If he is going to realise this is a mistake he has to see too much of her and miss you. He can’t miss you if you’re in the same house begging him to stay. Asking what he’s been up to.

Take Monday and Tuesday off work. Get all financials together. See a solicitor. Get the ball rolling. Go as grey rock as you can with him. Make him wonder about you. Make him think there is no turning back. At the moment he thinks you’re a back up if this affair doesn’t work out. Make it clear you aren’t and that you’re moving on. Even if you feel the exact opposite. Take some power back. It will rattle him.

💐

He might be getting a high from sneaking around for secret fumbles in her car but if he left to be with her, real life would kick in within weeks. The giddy feelings will quickly disappear once he realises her three kids are part of his new reality plus he will still need to parent his own child!

You need time to process this and decide what is best for you and your DC. If it were me, I would be asking him to leave the home to give you space to think.

I did not suggest instantly forgiving him, @ChowChowuaua or that OP should not separate from him temporarily or permanently. But from the posts, there is not enough information to know enough to know if it is worth working to save this marriage or not. Only OP and her partner can decide that, and therapy is the best place to do that. There are plenty of couples whose marriages survive infidelity - it is not easy, but it is possible.