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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband caught cheating with work colleague

165 replies

anon19825 · 23/02/2024 21:50

It feels quite surreal to be talking about this but I caught my husband of 15 years cheating last night. I saw some messages that started off 'Thank you for your support today' and then they became increasingly suggestive, including one from him saying he bets she wants to 'beat something he has'. I confronted him and he confessed all saying that they've become very close at work; she's been supporting him with his problems and he's been supporting her with the recent breakup from her marriage. She currently lives alone with her 3 kids. She looks and sounds rough as rats. When I asked my husband what he wants to do he said he still loves me but has feelings for her and that he can't just 'turn them off like a tap'.
I am utterly destroyed. He has never once given me reason to worry in the past. We have a child who doesn't know anything yet. I have no idea what to do now, or if what we had is reparable.

OP posts:
youlied · 24/02/2024 15:43

Been through this too, it's horrific and very nearly broke me. Mine didn't admit to it, it was awful but I'm much happier now. He's a useless turd who doesn't deserve you.

BeFrankforonce · 24/02/2024 15:52

+1 kick him out. No coming back from this OP, you know it in your heart of hearts.

Patrickiscrazy · 24/02/2024 16:43

CharlotteLightandDark · 23/02/2024 23:41

What an absolute joke he is. So sorry OP you must feel awful.

He is going to crash and burn. Sad midlife crisis wanker.

Brilliant.

starlight48 · 24/02/2024 16:51

Posters are so quick to suggest ltb!
Op has invested 15 years plus at least, and has a child, a home etc Is it not worth attempting to see if if things are salvageable? Do you really believe that men don't ever develop feelings for others in the course of a long marriage with all life's stresses?
I'm just amazed at some of the posters on here !!!
Dear OP take your time ⏲️, you might decide to call it a day but on the other hand you might not.

JaneAustensHeroine · 24/02/2024 16:51

DaftyLass · 23/02/2024 22:04

You don't need to make any decisions right now. Take a day or two to process it, make sure there is no other shoe waiting to drop, and just breathe.
You may feel a lot of different emotions at once, this isn't the time to decide anything.
When you feel calmer, then make sure you do what's best for you, so you can do your best for your lo.

Sensible advice.

You don’t need to make any decisions right now OP. It will take time to process all this.

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
anon19825 · 24/02/2024 17:03

Thank you again to all the replies, I've read each one and they're really helping. He's admitted this afternoon that he left our son home alone (ok he's 12 but still) to walk a half hour walk to where she's currently staying and they met in her car and kissed. Also that they've had a number of kisses apparently, as well as groping/fondling. I'm worried that if I kick him out he'll go to her and realise he has a better time and relationship with her. I don't want to jump to any rash decisions but I'm in so much pain.

OP posts:
WhoaJayShettybambalam · 24/02/2024 17:08

I'm worried that if I kick him out he'll go to her and realise he has a better time and relationship with her.

Surely the fact that he would do this rather than fight for his marriage and stay well away from her is all that you need to know?

I suspect that he’s only telling you the absolute minimum of what has actually happened.

TheSnowyOwl · 24/02/2024 17:08

anon19825 · 24/02/2024 13:02

Thank you so much for all your helpful replies. He is still in the house but we've both gone out at various points to give each other plenty of space. I'm so confused. On the one hand I desperately dont want him to leave but, on the other hand, I can hardly bear to look at him. Apparently it has 'only' been a kiss, but I don't know what to believe anymore..

Even if true (unlikely) he’d have had sex with her as soon as he had the chance.

Secondstart1001 · 24/02/2024 17:11

Op I know you are in pain and you clearly love him very much.
my only advice to you would be even if he’s at home, is it going to stop him from going to see her like you’ve described?
He is slowly giving you trickles of info to buy himself time. It sounds like you want to fight for him and that’s ok as we cannot tell you what to do. Has he said he will end it? Has he apologised and said he fucked up? If the answer is no I’m afraid it will be a very hard battle for you. But I think you need time to absorb the info. Take care of yourself and remember trust your gut. Think about his behavior … has sex been less frequent ect, anything odd when you have slept together? I know you are numb with pain and I’m very sorry for you x

safetyfreak · 24/02/2024 17:12

anon19825 · 24/02/2024 17:03

Thank you again to all the replies, I've read each one and they're really helping. He's admitted this afternoon that he left our son home alone (ok he's 12 but still) to walk a half hour walk to where she's currently staying and they met in her car and kissed. Also that they've had a number of kisses apparently, as well as groping/fondling. I'm worried that if I kick him out he'll go to her and realise he has a better time and relationship with her. I don't want to jump to any rash decisions but I'm in so much pain.

Ok, well good luck.

You have already lost him, sorry but it is true. He should be fighting for you, not the other way round. Please try and retain some dignity.

JaneAustensHeroine · 24/02/2024 17:14

anon19825 · 24/02/2024 17:03

Thank you again to all the replies, I've read each one and they're really helping. He's admitted this afternoon that he left our son home alone (ok he's 12 but still) to walk a half hour walk to where she's currently staying and they met in her car and kissed. Also that they've had a number of kisses apparently, as well as groping/fondling. I'm worried that if I kick him out he'll go to her and realise he has a better time and relationship with her. I don't want to jump to any rash decisions but I'm in so much pain.

It’s horrible for you to be going through this. Truth is, there will be very little you can do if he wants to pursue this. He won’t be thinking of anyone but himself right now and what he wants.

And therefore you must think only of yourself. Every time you think about him, bring the thought back to yourself and what you want and need. Self-care is very important at a time like this so make sure you do some nice things for you.

So often in these situations, we find ourselves thinking about the other person…what they want and need. But this is all a waste of energy because they are only thinking of themselves too.

So pause, look after you, don’t tell him what you are thinking or doing. Just focus on you.

DeedlessIndeed · 24/02/2024 17:17

Ahh OP. That is awful.

It sounds as if he's enjoying the thrill and the freshness of the OW. I highly doubt that he'll enjoy it when there's not sneaking around, rushed fumbles and the giddy risk of getting caught. Especially if she has 3 children and is rough as you describe.

I think you need to face up to the fact he's checked out. However, just because you've "lost" him, doesn't mean that you have lost. He will regret what he's done.

The only thing you can do is start to rebuild with your son away from this cowardly man.

Fraaahnces · 24/02/2024 17:18

Let him go. See how he loves living with her kids and paying for yours. What a stupid cliche of a man.

BlueSkyBlueLife · 24/02/2024 17:18

anon19825 · 24/02/2024 17:03

Thank you again to all the replies, I've read each one and they're really helping. He's admitted this afternoon that he left our son home alone (ok he's 12 but still) to walk a half hour walk to where she's currently staying and they met in her car and kissed. Also that they've had a number of kisses apparently, as well as groping/fondling. I'm worried that if I kick him out he'll go to her and realise he has a better time and relationship with her. I don't want to jump to any rash decisions but I'm in so much pain.

If he is going to her and realise he has a ‘better time’ with her, then you have your answer about how truthful he was when he said he still loves you…

ChowChowuaua · 24/02/2024 17:21

Wizzadorra70 · 23/02/2024 21:59

Your marriage is over. Once trust has been broken, you'll spend the rest of your life waiting for him to do it again. You are worth so much more. Don't be his doormat, no matter how much this hurts Flowers it's horrendous but you'll get through it.

Trust can be repaired

But here, we have a man saying he can't turn off his feelings (he can't be bothered, is the truth, and doesn't want to change). It also wasn't him that told op out of guilt.

He's not committed. There is no hope.

Original poster
anon19825 · 24/02/2024 17:22

Thank you again everyone, so much. I know you're all right in saying my marriage is over. It is just all completely out of the blue and my world has turned completely upside down within 24 hours. He has always been a good husband, caring, attentive and loving., making plans for our future and booking summer holidays, etc..I just really didn't see this coming.

OP posts:
Patrickiscrazy · 24/02/2024 17:23

starlight48 · 24/02/2024 16:51

Posters are so quick to suggest ltb!
Op has invested 15 years plus at least, and has a child, a home etc Is it not worth attempting to see if if things are salvageable? Do you really believe that men don't ever develop feelings for others in the course of a long marriage with all life's stresses?
I'm just amazed at some of the posters on here !!!
Dear OP take your time ⏲️, you might decide to call it a day but on the other hand you might not.

Dear Starlight,
I believe the majority of them are not worth it, as they keep proving on and on.
Obviously it's up to the OP.

likepebblesonabeach · 24/02/2024 17:23

anon19825 · 24/02/2024 17:03

Thank you again to all the replies, I've read each one and they're really helping. He's admitted this afternoon that he left our son home alone (ok he's 12 but still) to walk a half hour walk to where she's currently staying and they met in her car and kissed. Also that they've had a number of kisses apparently, as well as groping/fondling. I'm worried that if I kick him out he'll go to her and realise he has a better time and relationship with her. I don't want to jump to any rash decisions but I'm in so much pain.

Op, I understand you don't want to make any rash decisions but the fact he's told you this is probably his way of minimising what he's done, if this is what he's telling you expect the truth to actually be worse. He only told you because he got caught, don't think that what he's telling you is the truth.

Ilovemyshed · 24/02/2024 17:33

anon19825 · 23/02/2024 21:50

It feels quite surreal to be talking about this but I caught my husband of 15 years cheating last night. I saw some messages that started off 'Thank you for your support today' and then they became increasingly suggestive, including one from him saying he bets she wants to 'beat something he has'. I confronted him and he confessed all saying that they've become very close at work; she's been supporting him with his problems and he's been supporting her with the recent breakup from her marriage. She currently lives alone with her 3 kids. She looks and sounds rough as rats. When I asked my husband what he wants to do he said he still loves me but has feelings for her and that he can't just 'turn them off like a tap'.
I am utterly destroyed. He has never once given me reason to worry in the past. We have a child who doesn't know anything yet. I have no idea what to do now, or if what we had is reparable.

I think you should take some time and go to counselling together. Don't just throw away 15 years and a child without a great deal of thought and discussion.

However he has to agree to cut contact and prioritise you and your family. If he cannot or will not do that, then you are done.

BlueGrey1 · 24/02/2024 17:37

I wouldn’t write your marriage off so quickly, it might be what you want to do but maybe this situation is resolvable

If you did separate would you be ok financially ? Where would you live?

Theoware · 24/02/2024 17:47

In your current emotional state, you might be thinking that what you want is to be with him and have the family that you thought you had, so you will want to stay with him and work things out.

You need to realise, though, that this was an illusion - ultimately you never had what you thought you had if he could treat you like this. Take your time in finalising your decision, but do think about this fact regularly too.

Sometimes we can be too attached to an idea rather than what is proven reality, unfortunately. It is likely that you will feel worse in the long term by attempting to ‘fix’ the situation he has broken and cannot be repaired, when you could free yourself from that burden.

PToosher · 24/02/2024 17:49

Often see 'kick him out' posted as advice here. How does that work? How does one go about kicking him out?

terfinthewild · 24/02/2024 17:50

Don't take my advice but I'd be at the work place on Monday to publicly ask this bitch why she is fucking a married man? Shame them BOTH like Karen from Goodfellas why not. Remember that everyday people wake up with worse problems than this and they manage and you can manage too. Be strong and don't you dare let him take the piss out of your kindness, he has disrespected you enough.

Bubblybooboo · 24/02/2024 17:53

Op I’m so sorry this sound so distressing. The fact he isn’t immediately begging you to stay with him and focusing solely on you speaks volumes. Sadly it does seem he will end up with her. I hope you have some real life support. Please know this is the hardest point and things will get better. Feels like the earth is shattered now but you will come out the other side!

Slitherr · 24/02/2024 17:58

Car fumbles. How grubby. And whilst your child is at home! Grim.