Is this financial abuse

[Liliana2323]

Hi, ill try to summarise as it's a long, 18yr story!

• met when I was 22, hubby was 30
• I had no assets, he had 2 rental properties
• he got made redundant and suggested a move to Europe, I gave up my career and followed him
• have both worked online for the last 15yrs
• he bought house we're in outright. Not a million pound villa but a 200k huge renovation project. Both funded the renovations, he has done a lot of physical work on and off over the last 10 years
• married with a prenup for his rental properties and the one we're living in
• I started new business 7yrs ago, doing well
• he hasn't worked for 18 months so far, nor done renovations (until a couple of weeks ago)
• house still needs a lot of work, still dont even have 1 fully functioning bathroom!

So the main issue here is that he is quite financially controlling. We use his personal account for day to day bills and expenses, or my business card. my business dividends goes 50/50 to our personal accounts (as he set himself up as a 50% shareholder), then I have to immediately transfer mine to his account. If I go to the supermarket (rare, as he took over that role), or away for a family visit in the UK (twice a year max), he gives me a spare card in his name. He has a couple of loans we effectively both pay + savings, pension, investments and the 2 cars are both in his name.

This arrangement never felt quite right but whenever ive tried in the past to broach the subject it turns nasty and nothing ever changes, despite promises to have a joint account, him to invest money for me, me to have a pension etc it never happens.

It has come to a head for me really as we're 5 months pregnant with a first, long awaited baby. For the first 4 months he didn't seem interested at all, in fact he was quite difficult to be around and we had a lot of arguments with him saying quite horrific things about me/us. I felt terrible, had to sleep on an ancient mattress in the spare room (he snores) and generally uncared for and unsupported. Since Christmas he has in general been quite nice, despite a couple of nasty arguments.

I am thinking of whether to leave or not because i'm panicking about the future, whether we'll stay together, will I end up a single mum in a foreign country with an unfair custody situation and struggling to make ends meet, or should I go back to the UK and my family and friends. If I stayed abroad and we then divorced, I wouldn't be allowed to move back to the UK with my baby, unless he agreed.

I suppose i'm just wondering if this is really classed as financial abuse? Or just a stupid situation which has developed over the years, unintentionally?

I think i'm a bit of a pushover with him and I hate conflict. He's quite loud and aggressive so I have avoided the issue but enough is enough now, with a baby and our future to consider. I tried to talk about my concerns a few nights ago, he shouted a lot, told me he paid for this house and I should be grateful etc but nothing has changed since financially.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts!

I'm now stupidly questioning myself, "is he really that bad?",
Yes he is. We can see it just by your posts and you are doing your damnest to say it might be you, not him.

"there are worse out there!",
Yes there are, but that doesn't mean you have to be with those losers either.

"but he does have some really nice qualities!".
Not really, he's just pretending. He's convinced you that he has, but he really, really isn't a good person.

Good luck for tomorrow

I’m rooting for you OP.
Once you’re out you can breathe a huge sigh of relief and get some rest while your family supports you.

The thing is OP, that the special family moment you saw your sister have is not in your future with this man. There is just more and more misery and control. Inflicted not just on you but on your innocent daughter.

It's tempting to see things through rose-coloured glasses and see the decision you're making as being between a life of being on your own or of potentially being in a happy family but it's really not. The choice you are making is between the chance of freedom, self determination, independence and potential happiness, or unremitting misery.

Please don't falter, you will regret it for the rest of your life.

No no no!! This is TEXTBOOK behaviour. That’s why you’ve stayed this long, the nice bits they throw in to keep you. Otherwise you’d have been off ages ago. And it feels extra nice only in stark contrast to how awful they are the rest of the time. Your nervous system gets addicted to these occasion highs. I guess like giving an abused dog a pat occasionally.

I’m actually jealous you are getting out (you know while being pleased for you) - as I didn’t and am
now dealing with him emotionally abusing our daughter (fun dad one minute, misogynist bully the next)… which I promise you, is most definitely not worth being occasionally treated nicely

Go, get home and protect yourself and your child. This man is a manipulative monster and the moment you relent he will try to break you down again.

You have a job & income
Ref getting a credit rating
Get a credit card in your own name
Buy normal stuff with it eg food, petrol, clothes, hobbies
Pay all of it off every month before the monthly deadline

Secondly, get a bill in your own name, like a mobile phone bill
Ensure that you pay the full bill each month

Get a bank account in your own name
Get your wages paid into this
If you work for an employer, pay into their work pension

Good luck

Thinking of you today OP. Good luck and don’t let guilt hold you back. ❤️

Hang in there OP. Don't forget he can always turn over a new leaf and return to the UK to be with you and his child. He won't change of course, but that's one of the reasons you're taking steps to make yourself safer than you would otherwise be staying put.

Thanks everyone. Omg this is so hard! He wants to go out for lunch today and I have to act normal 😩 he tried to get me to go snowboarding with him tomorrow and stay in a hotel, I just said I was really tired this week so no. I hate doing it this way but there's no option. I'm so scared of making a decision I can never come back from. I'm just trying to remind myself of all the bad times as only the good seem to keep popping into my head!

You have no choice but to do it this way BECAUSE he is abusive and manipulative.
You are 10000% doing the right thing.

Re-read your posts on this thread.

You’re doing this for the safety and future of your unborn child.

This man has proved over and over that he’s getting worse over time. He isn’t going to magically get better.

The fact he’s being so nice now is a manipulation - he’s possibly got wind of your unhappiness and is trying to reel you back in.

You will massively regret staying once you have a baby and are then stuck in France forever as he stops you from every being able to leave.

Better to leave now and have your baby in the safe knowledge you’re not tied to another country and him forever. Even if you decide to go back one day, you will always be able to leave.

He's trying to reel you back in, he can sense a shift, you're less prepared to take his bullshit. He will hurl so much abuse at you once you're gone, blame you for everything. Reread this thread you know you've told us the truth of the situation. If you stay he'll revert to normal awful control. You'll be trapped abroad for the next 18 years unable to go anywhere with your child. He won't let you leave the country with them, and he'll have the right to do so.....you'd have to go to court to gain custody rights to remove them and French courts are very very slow moving. If you're wrong the it's up to him to do all the work to prove he's change meanwhile you will have the security of your child in your country and choices.if you stay there are no choices. He's driven you so far to take all these steps, remember that, you aren't doing this for no reason.

I realise this is a bit late now but are you the only one doing work for the business? Can't you just set up an identical company with yourself as the only owner and account holder and inform your clients of the change in payment details?

So annoying as he's trying to sort out the bank accounts at the moment, talking of our baby-moon 🙄 and our next house etc im awarecI can't come back from this decision and im putting my poor animals through the stress of the move but I suppose I don't have all the time in the world to figure this out 😥

OP please don’t let him manipulate you. He can sense something is up so is pretending to be nice. You KNOW what he is really like.
Don’t miss your opportunity for freedom. Don’t get stuck in France with him. You’ll regret it forever.

Lol, how does a 5 months pregnant woman go snowboarding? - she doesn't, I presume that would mean him having all the fun while you sit on the sidelines.
Of course he's turning on the charm, might well have got wind of your plans, although hopefully not realised how imminent they are. I bet he knows your parents are coming, that will be why he suggested going somewhere. Don't be surprised if he's been snooping through your phone and other communications. Be careful and delete mention of plans to others if you can.

I think he senses something is up but doesn't have any idea of the gravity of the situation. I don't think he knows my parents are coming and ive had my phone on me 24/7 but he is being ultra nice, rushing around finishing my bathroom (technically the only one which will be bearable to use after 10 years 😅) and being extra helpful. I'm sure he would revert soon enough. Frustratingly for me his most annoying pub friend has just moved away and hubby's finally talking about moving house, which ive wanted for years! Typical timing lol

hubby's finally talking about moving house, which ive wanted for years! Typical timing lol

Yeah, only because it suits him now. Don't forget that.

OP, it sounds like this is the same old pattern as every other time. He turns on the charm and acts like a nice bloke for a bit to reel you back in…

Depends if you’re going to fall for it again or actually stand up for your future. Where you are in control of your own business, bank account, life, future and most importantly your child’s future..

Or else you just stay and will need to suck it up I suppose.

@Moidershewrote you are right and I know it deep down or I wouldn't have got to this point. So much planning has been needed and im nearly there, i'm just scared if going it alone in this crazy world I suppose and I do love him, stupidly

You’ve got this far this time as it’s not just you in the firing line of his abuse. It’s your child's whole future. One that could be stuck in France without any agency for god knows how many years, or one that is free from abuse and supported by loving grandparents.

If, as you say, there is no going back because you HAD to leave for your own health and future security, then that tells you all you need to know. This is not a man who wants to negotiate a happy future with everyone playing their equal part, it’s a man who will only be satisfied if he controls everything and contributes the least possible (excusing the times he needs to reel you back in).

My sense is that you’ll deeply regret not leaving if you don’t and once the baby is here, you’re both fucked tbh.

Life without this rollercoaster of drama will be different, boring even, for a while. BUT it will be safe, free and in time you’ll look back and wonder what the hell you were thinking for all these years.

If you are feeling wobbly, read back through your past posts. They contain everything you need to see why you have to go. This isn't just a whim, he has been treating you this way for almost your entire relationship. Would you want your daughter to grow up with this model for her future relationships with partners? He's got you right where he wants you. He thinks you cannot leave him and you almost won't be able to if you stay and have the baby there. If he wants to try and make amends with you he will have to move back to the uk to do so where you at least have some protection and support from your family. He has isolated you in France, away from your family and friends and then makes you work to keep him in his hobby's and pub trips whilst hardly giving you a penny! Sleeping on a mattress on the floor! He's almost got you living like Cinderella! Well your fairy godmother is here and she's telling you to get yourself to the ball in the UK and don't come back!

Abusive, controlling men become worse when you have a child as they know you are less likely to leave then. This WILL get worse once your child is born.

Being nice part of the time is part of the control mechanism. You need to do the Freedom programme https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Get out while you still can. Dont weaken, you dont want your daughter to grow up thinking this sort of relationship is normal.

Hi Op. I've only just joined the thread, but just wanted to offer my support too. You're doing the right thing, and of course you wouldn't be human if you didn't have doubts too, after years and years together. But leaving is absolutely the right thing to do.

The main thing to focus on, as others have said, is getting back to the UK quickly, while you are pregnant, before you get too far along to travel easily. You absolutely do not want to get stuck abroad, with no way of being able to take your child out the country without his permission.

Stay strong! You sound like you have a supportive family, which is good news.

Come on OP, you cant seriously believe he is going to miraculously morph into a decent bloke where you'll have equal and joint access to everything.

I worded that carefully because the reality is he would be "giving" you equal access and that should never have been in his gift in the first place.

And he won't anyway. Just the promise of it.