Is this financial abuse

[Liliana2323]

Hi, ill try to summarise as it's a long, 18yr story!

• met when I was 22, hubby was 30
• I had no assets, he had 2 rental properties
• he got made redundant and suggested a move to Europe, I gave up my career and followed him
• have both worked online for the last 15yrs
• he bought house we're in outright. Not a million pound villa but a 200k huge renovation project. Both funded the renovations, he has done a lot of physical work on and off over the last 10 years
• married with a prenup for his rental properties and the one we're living in
• I started new business 7yrs ago, doing well
• he hasn't worked for 18 months so far, nor done renovations (until a couple of weeks ago)
• house still needs a lot of work, still dont even have 1 fully functioning bathroom!

So the main issue here is that he is quite financially controlling. We use his personal account for day to day bills and expenses, or my business card. my business dividends goes 50/50 to our personal accounts (as he set himself up as a 50% shareholder), then I have to immediately transfer mine to his account. If I go to the supermarket (rare, as he took over that role), or away for a family visit in the UK (twice a year max), he gives me a spare card in his name. He has a couple of loans we effectively both pay + savings, pension, investments and the 2 cars are both in his name.

This arrangement never felt quite right but whenever ive tried in the past to broach the subject it turns nasty and nothing ever changes, despite promises to have a joint account, him to invest money for me, me to have a pension etc it never happens.

It has come to a head for me really as we're 5 months pregnant with a first, long awaited baby. For the first 4 months he didn't seem interested at all, in fact he was quite difficult to be around and we had a lot of arguments with him saying quite horrific things about me/us. I felt terrible, had to sleep on an ancient mattress in the spare room (he snores) and generally uncared for and unsupported. Since Christmas he has in general been quite nice, despite a couple of nasty arguments.

I am thinking of whether to leave or not because i'm panicking about the future, whether we'll stay together, will I end up a single mum in a foreign country with an unfair custody situation and struggling to make ends meet, or should I go back to the UK and my family and friends. If I stayed abroad and we then divorced, I wouldn't be allowed to move back to the UK with my baby, unless he agreed.

I suppose i'm just wondering if this is really classed as financial abuse? Or just a stupid situation which has developed over the years, unintentionally?

I think i'm a bit of a pushover with him and I hate conflict. He's quite loud and aggressive so I have avoided the issue but enough is enough now, with a baby and our future to consider. I tried to talk about my concerns a few nights ago, he shouted a lot, told me he paid for this house and I should be grateful etc but nothing has changed since financially.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts!

I would set up a new business (smiliar name) as 100% owner and move your custom there and close down your current business.

Oh OP.

As PP say, regardless of the financial position, you need to move back to the UK ASAP. If you don’t, you’ll be stuck in France.

You can figure the rest out later.

It doesn’t have to be ‘classed as financial abuse’ for you to be unhappy. You are allowed to not view the arrange as fair or equitable, you are allowed to be unhappy and challenge or leave anything you are unhappy with.

He set himself up as a 50% shareholder if your business and takes half your profits????

While ring fencing his own assets, business and income? He is treating you as a source of income! As if you were one of his rental properties.

I would quietly look at what a Pp suggested: move your business to a parallel company. Get it set up, plan the timing as to when you switch clients over.

Do you love him? Are you happy in your life with him? Are you a team, him and you glued to each other against all that the world throws at you? Does he treasure you? Respect your views? Are you excited about being parents together, being an equal team in support of your new family?

You need to get back to the UK as soon as possible. If you leave it too late and your baby is born there, you will be stuck and regret not leaving every day for the rest of your life.

Please @Liliana2323 do something now. I haven't read the full thread because I'm in a panic reading your opener.

Can you say which you try you are in? And are you British?

I have just spend 90k (in legal fees getting OUT of a country (GB) to get home (IRL) with my children because if both countries are part of The Hague Convention you cannot up and leave when you feel like it with a child.

Please please listen. You will not be allowed to leave without his permission when the baby comes. I regret so much not paying attention to this...

You don't we've a good case of you can't afford the legal help etc, and it sounds like your money is all trapped up by him.

He is showing every controlling sign. When the baby comes you are far more vulnerable. Is he going to make you work quickly as you're the only one bringing in money? It all sounds potentially, very difficult for your future self.

Read this, please resolution.org.uk/the-review/archive/the-review-issue-222/stuck-parents-an-unintended-consequence-of-the-hague-abduction-convention-1980/#:~:text=If%20that%20parent%20takes%20their,as%20the%20Hague%20Abduction%20Convention.

The charity referenced is the one that helped get me home. GlobalARRK.

Thanks @TempleOfBloom . I need to really decide whether to approach the financial issue head-on and demand that he comes off my business, that we have a joint account and that all savings are in a joint account/s. It will either go one way or another. I would like to give him a chance as I feel there is still some love there (clouded by resentment on my side). But it could backfire.

We do still have a laugh together at times and he would be a great dad (i think). It's a shame to throw away 18 years but I don't have much time to play with, she is due in July.

On another note, I feel really isolated here. I have been thinking for a while we need to move somewhere with other young-ish families, as currently he just goes to the village bar 2-3 times a week and hangs out with generally single divorced men and some others (came home at 2.30 last night which is quite normal on a Friday). I just stay at home all the time, working or with my horses (thank god for them!) and have no life really. My school friends are still in our old home town with their children and I feel I wish id never left! But I do love our house and the countryside and weather here, slower pace of life and a very good health system! In the UK I would be struggling financially but maybe id be happier overall? Who knows

He's holding you ransom. He's said you'll be ok financially as long as you don't break up. He's essentially told you that if you do leave him, he won't be fair or decent to you. That's emotional blackmail. And you've been so conditioned by him to accept this awful attitude to you that you don't seem to realise that it's emotional blackmail.

he just goes to the village bar 2-3 times a week and hangs out with generally single divorced men and some others (came home at 2.30 last night which is quite normal on a Friday).

What would he say if you did exactly this before getting pregnant? I bet he would have been massively unhappy about it.

Start a new business move over the clients to that one. You're the one running it - he won't know what to do anyway. Also carry on working when back in thr UK don't transfer any money and change passwords for everything that you can.

His financial control of your family isn't a "blind spot" in an otherwise gf good life. Can you see how it is affecting every part of your life and he isn't caring about that? He's in the pub you say, 2 - 3 times a week, spending your money! Talking about crypto for christs sake! Not working! Jesus, you are his ATM.

You talk about your home and it sounds like he is also from there, I assume he's British.

If you are in France, and you left him, would you be happy being there and single? The life sounds lovely - rural, quiet etc. but it can be so isolating with children and you don't know how you'll cope with all that.

If you're unsure about leaving him, you could go to the uk and insist all these things are legally addressed, and only then you'll return. Then you will see his attitude and his intention and action. i don't recommend that option though as you'll be too vulnerable and by human nature - you'd sway at the intention and return before it was locked in legally - the pressure to believe him and "do the right thing" for your daughter would be huge. But it would open it up from the safety of the U.K.

Have you ever asked your friends about your set up? People rarely comment on others marriages I know but you could gauge their responses about you being the breadwinner and how the money is managed. Is he friends with yours? Do you all know each other well?

@whatsitcalledwhen he'd be really happy, if we went together. Not sure he'd like me going alone! I just feel like this super-boring woman now and he's 48 and still out partying 🙄😅 can you tell who will have to be the responsible one? His mum's the same, a big drinker, and I don't think he'll ever change in that respect

Of course he wouldn't like you going out alone on the piss three times a week with a group of single people. But he's happy to do it himself.

So he's a bit of a problem drinker too?

Honestly OP I think he's made you feel like you're lucky to be with him and he's special.

He's a bully holding you to ransom with his financial control.

Are you quite a lot younger than him?

He's not really a bad man

He is.

He's a lazy, controlling bully.

You say you have good times still.

That's because he doesn't work, you bring in money, he takes it.

He's trained you to behave for eg you don't ask for anything, you transfer half your wages...

I bet there's a list of topics you darent mention. Why? Because he's "loud", "aggressive" or might "flip".

This is not a good man.

Men like this get worse when a baby arrives. You'll be even more vulnerable.

Get in your car and drive.

Could he be reading these posts?

@twoforj0y he brings in about 1500 a month from his rental properties but he doesn't have to do anything much to get it. Anything excess/spending money is from my earnings. I was going to try to demand today that he comes off my business. I did ask this over a year ago during another bad patch but it never happened.

No you're right, I wouldn't be happy here single, as beautiful as it is. I have a couple of lovely friends here who are an hour away but my old friends and family are in the UK.

When we were getting on well and more if a team it was more tolerable.

Last night he wanted to meet me in the barn for a beer where I was feeding the horses, I said OK but no drink for me obvs and I thought he'd be 10 mins so I went off to fetch something outside before it got dark. I was 'late' meeting him by his standards (didn't know we had a precise time!) I literally took 3 minutes to reach where he was calling out my name and he got so angry with me it was crazy! He stormed off back into the house 😅🙈 honestly he can be like a child

I’d class this as financial abuse. I just can’t believe that everything is in his name! And that he is essentially giving you pocket money from your own business. It’s controlling.

My ex was a nice guy but financially abusive and that made him a terrible guy. We have a DD and we would always get into arguments about money! It was so unhealthy and toxic and I’m glad I am raising my DD away from him.

It sounds like you have the experience to come back to the UK and start again. You are lucky to have family support, that will be very helpful for you. When you are ready you can start a business or work in a sector as you have experience.

Everything is a life lesson and I’m glad you are taking yourself out of this. You both should be financially independent, with a shared pot between you, if that is what you want.

@whatsitcalledwhen well im 39 and he's 48 so kind of. I'm fed up being a doormat really and I can't challenge him on anything or he'll blow up

I would say so, he has a few each day and a shed load a couple of nights a week normally.

You cannot put a baby in that atmosphere at all he won’t be a great father at all

and you are scared of him imagine being littler and that scared

I think your best bet is to dissolve your current business, so that whatever shares he has become worthless. Then start afresh with a new business and bank account that he had absorption nothing to do with.
And leave well before the baby comes! If he wants to try to reconcile he can do it while you're in your home country.

I literally took 3 minutes to reach where he was calling out my name and he got so angry with me it was crazy! He stormed off back into the house 😅🙈 honestly he can be like a child

I've just had a baby OP. It's hard. It's hard and knackering and emotionally draining with a kind, supportive, non explosive, non shouty, non 'storms off if he doesn't get his way immediately' partner.

A house with an adult like that in is also a shitty environment for a little one to grow up in. They are taught that that relationship dynamic is normal and acceptable. It isn't.

Please put your child first and leave him and get to the UK to start rebuilding a life for yourself here. Framing it in your head as putting your child first, not subjecting them to this relationship dynamic, will hopefully help you to make the decision and stick to it.

This. He gets 'so angry' with you and storms off. You know that's not normal, right?! My partner has never shouted at me, called me a name or stormed off in anger. That's not special, it's what should be expected.

Is this a UK Ltd company ?If you are the sole director of the business (as you state its your business) who has been signing the yearly company accounts, he can't just do this because he wants to, legally it has to be you.

As director remove him from the company accounts, as he's not a director he cannot get access to company accounts, move your business banking.

As director you should be paying yourself through payroll etc so come back to the UK and carry on doing this, keep your company accounts restricted to you and maybe even pay yourself through directors loans etc , he can't do anything as a non director!

Get out while you can, come back to the UK

Can I just reiterate that this a pattern that absolutely gets a million times worse when a baby arrives?

And then he’ll eventually start emotionally abusing your daughter too

Trust your gut. It’s really hard but when he’s nice, that’s just part of the abuse pattern

You really think an angry, aggressive man who has no patience would make a good father? Please explain your thinking. I bet you can't.

You are being abused left, right and centre but you still think it's you. He doesn't love you. He won't love the baby. He WILL use the baby to control you.

Stop thinking about money. It's nice to have but it really won't be that important when you start feeling suicidal in five years time when you realise he hates your guts, he hates his child, he hates everything you touch, and there is nothing you can do to escape. That is your future.

@whatsitcalledwhen I suppose i'm just used to it after all these years. I just managed to block the business card (in his name) as Facebook ads said the payment has gone through but then it hadn't so I tried twice, so now he's shouting at me and slamming doors as he has to go through security to fix it. Well I could do that myself if I had ownership of the account. As he was shouting I mentioned that point (ooops) and he got really annoyed then, kept on and on about how he was doing me favour by fixing it, called me a narcissist and stormed off. I'm now racking my brains trying to figure out how i'm the narcissist in all this?

I'm glad he's been so horrible the last couple of days as it's made me rethink the idea of giving him a chance to fix things

I just managed to block the business card (in his name) as Facebook ads said the payment has gone through but then it hadn't so I tried twice, so now he's shouting at me and slamming doors as he has to go through security to fix it.

How can you say you think he will be a good dad? This is so, so very far from normal. Growing up in a house with a parent like him, and another parent who thinks it's normal and tolerates it, is hugely damaging for a child.